What the hell?
We all knew it was coming. We knew Ben would be dropping the ‘L’ bomb on one of the ladies this week, because it’s been dragged on and on through every week like a cold sore that just won’t die.
But we didn’t know he would be saying it to two girls. Repeatedly. Excessively. Over and over. At dinner. At a waterfall. On a bench. On a cliff. At night. In the morning. Over wine. Over coffee. Over a breakfast buffet of fruit and Morning After pills. What the fuck, Ben?!? You do know all the girls will be watching this at some point, right? Like your fiancée?
If you pile every instance of Ben breaking the rules and telling everything within sight that he loves them as one notable thing, I could probably count on one hand, all the notable moments from this week. And you know what I’d be doing while counting those moments on that hand? I’d be admiring my perfectly neat, straight edged nails, with just a hint of a curve on each corner, a gentle caress of the nail, a warm cup of coffee on a cold winter’s day, if you will. And you know whose hands I couldn’t compare mine to? JoJo’s. Because girl decided to ignore the ‘no social media’ policy on the show and managed to sneak a peek at Kylie Jenner’s Instagram when no one was the wiser and totally go for it with the pointy nails when we’re almost done the season. Why, JoJo, why?!? I thought we were tight. Who cares if you went for blush pink instead of neon yellow? Still gross.
So let’s see if I can do this, shall we? I do still use my fingers to count (yeah, like you don’t), so this should be a snap (see how I did that?)
Pinky Finger – What the hell is wrong with Lauren? Or more specifically, her genitalia. From her frumpy, ill-fitting rose ceremony dress that I swear was hiding a baby, to her inexplicable vagina limp, Bachelor Nation needs to know what is going on. Why could you barely walk? My guess is you permanently injured yourself trying to get those jean shorts on for your one-on-one. Have you ever seen a tighter pair? The girl could literally not walk in them, and as tiny as she is, you could see her bursting out of them. I can only imagine what fantasmagorical word Charlotte the spider spelled out in her underwear wearing those bad boys.
Finger Next to Pinky Finger which I’m not sure has a name but you’re supposed to use it to put on your eye cream – actually, please hold. I am literally interrupting this message for an important application of an eye treatment I got suckered into at Sephora a couple weeks ago that is supposed to be applied twice a week. BRB.
Okay I’m back and legit typing this with two cotton pads that might as well be made of diamonds stuck to my face, which I will allow to remain there for 15 minutes until they ever so slightly peel themselves away from my skin and leave me looking at least 37 and three quarters. Hang tight.
Cool. So. Finger Next to Pinky Finger which was just recently used to apply my eye treatment – I didn’t notice how weird Caila is (was) until this week’s episode. I mean sure, she had trouble revealing her feelings to Ben over time, but her frozen smile is actually borderline terrifying (almost as terrifying as the moment she snuck up on Ben when he was sitting in the rocking chair deep in thought looking like an old man with dementia who’s no longer visited).
The awkwardness of their boat date was unbearable, with the conversation ranging from asking each other if they were excited to be on the date as it is happening to telling each other how great the date will be as it is happening (see also: the date was neither great, nor exciting). The only distraction from how brutal it was came in the form of the good ol’ let’s show the viewers the girl’s body from every angle, so we can make it very clear, leaving not even a shadow of a doubt, that no matter which way she sits, you will not find a roll. Heck, let’s do that with all the girls.
I think the alarm bells rang loudest when she marvelled at how uncomfortable she as with the idea of spending a whole day with Ben. You know when else you might have to spend a whole day with someone? When you marry them. I truly felt for Caila for most of the episode, knowing she had finally opened herself up (literally) to Ben and that he wouldn’t be giving her a rose, but her eerie sunshine and rainbows persona was just so unnatural that eventually I just wanted her to go back to the Magic Kingdom where she came from. Rumour has it that she might be a top contender for the next Bachelorette, not cuz she’s interesting or a fan favourite but because apparently there’s been some heat over the track record of exclusively Caucasian bachelors and bachelorettes so she may just be their golden ticket into political correctness. Should be a hoot of a season.
Middle Finger – I think the middle finger in this case has to go to our man Ben cuz frankly, he really deserves it. Even though I still think he’s a supremely good guy, and I genuinely believe he is ‘in love’ (or whatever TV emotion is considered love in their worlds) with both Lauren and JoJo…dude…what are you doing? How could you say it to both of them? So many friggin times? How do you think this isn’t going to come back to bite you, or at the very least, severely destroy the feelings of at least one of these girls, basically forever? You have pretty much ruined the words ‘I love you’ for all of eternity, and not just for these girls, but maybe for all of mankind. You know when you say a word too many times, and it all of a sudden sounds ridiculously obscure and not real? Try it, with…I don’t know…chicken. Say it a bunch of items and all of a sudden you’ll be all ‘what the F is chicken? What kind of word is that?’
An honourable mention for the middle finger also has to go to the entire fantasy date process, which is really where the formula of this show drives me most insane. How many times, season after season, can the couple sit down to giant cold entrees and not touch them? How many times can these people feign surprise when the fantasy suite card comes? How many times can people work up the courage to say those three little words during dinner in a courtyard? How many different types of hand-writing can ‘Chris Harrison’ have? How many times can we hear the same sentences come from each person about why it’s important that they have this time alone together? How many times must the fade to commercial occur after the shades are drawn and the lights go out? Can’t they go to a god damn restaurant for once? With people? I personally think it’s pretty revealing to see how a date treats servers anyways. Can’t they accidentally write the wrong girl’s name on the fantasy suite card, just for a good laugh? Can’t these people just be honest about wanting to bang and screw all the talk about the journey?
Index Finger (Or pointer finger depending on how old your kids are) – The freakin’ turtles. Just tell me if I was the only one who cried. Maybe it brought back too many memories of Pickles, my little red-eared slider who is buried in a Simpson’s box on the side yard of my childhood home (remember Simpson’s?), but seriously? Cutest.
Thumbkin – Um…let’s go with a theme of shocking/annoying things that occurred on this episode, because I’ve run out of fingers. I mean obviously the elephant in the room is that Ben actually said the word ‘exspecially’. What do you even say to that? Just no.
And how about the moment when I wanted to stick my thumb directly in my eye? What part, you ask? No, not the part where JoJo exclaims over having their own hot tub as if there isn’t a hot tub in every room or natural wonder explored on every season of the show. Actually, it’s the part where JoJo converted from would be suitor (suitstress?) into girl-friend mode the morning after with the mere ability to drag the word ‘babe’ out into four syllables as she and Ben fought over who was cuter. And just like that, a couple is born.
So – I’m out of fingers, and I’m certainly not about to move onto the next hand. Before we even get to the finale, we get to see The Women Tell All next week, and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been so excited for this particular episode. I just can’t wait to see what Olivia has to say for herself – honestly – I think we kinda miss her, no?
As for the finale, based on the previews, we know Ben picks one and then quickly regrets it and calls her back to come back. But what we don’t know (or at least what I don’t know) – is it JoJo or is it Lauren? Has the other one been said goodbye to at this point, or has she not? Does the one he calls to come back do it or does she teach him a lesson? I am really praying that something interesting comes of this, even though it clearly means devastating humiliation and heartbreak for one of them (but will make for an amazing After the Final Rose, right?) Whether I base my decision on their rose ceremony dresses this week, or my observance of this whole season, I am clearly on #TeamJoJo. But truly, only time (and spoilers!) will tell.
Till next week, my lovelies – off to moisturize!