I’m not going to apologize every week. I can’t do it. I’m not going to go through this emotional roller coaster of guilt and anxiety because I can feel you refreshing your mouse (is it still mice when you’re talking about computers?), waiting for my sacred words to fill your screen and give you a solid four minutes of enjoyment every week as you sip you non-fat soy latte.
Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating. Definitely not about the four minutes – I’m no 17 year old boy. If anything I’ve underestimated that, given how long I tend to ramble on. I’m probably exaggerating your love for me and how many shits you actually give whether or not I write something (zero shits? Two?) I’d like to think that some of you out there care, and I’m really hoping you do, given that I spend all day in front of a computer and the last thing I feel like (a lot of the time) is coming home and…sitting down at a computer. I must say, though – being allowed to drink at home really helps. Cheers!
So Vegas. This is always a crap shoot on The Bachelor, no pun intended. Vegas can go adorably right, with love and romance in the air, and an abundance of picturesque backdrops, like fountains, fireworks, and sketchy looking people making clicking sounds with business cards to get your attention so they can show off their take-out menu of dirty whores (really? Bambi can be in my room in seven minutes? From the strip?!? It’s not possible.) Or, Vegas can go horribly wrong, with awkward mandatory performances by a group of girls who list eyelash curling and ugly-crying as talents, and pretend marriages that make you cringe until you can actually hear your dentist, like Jiminy Cricket on your shoulder, threatening you with a lifetime of night guards if you don’t stop grinding.
This time around, I think Vegas had it all.
We finally dealt with The Treadmill Twins situation, Hayley and Emily, who we could probably rename ‘neither here’ and ‘nor there’. I still barely know which one he kept, nor does it matter,
We also dealt with a few of the girls starting (or continuing) to travel down their slow path of self destruction (ahem, ahem, Jamboree). We finally got to see Becca get some solid screen time and come to the conclusion that yes, she definitely likes Ben more than she ever dug Chris, but no, she is not likely to refrain from sabotaging herself at some point this season, and finally, FINALLY, Lace was truly out of the picture, so we got to focus all of our efforts on getting to know the crazy elephant in the room, Miss Olivia.
I mean for starters, her first thought when they heard they were headed to Vegas was, ‘I want to see Celine.’ I’m Canadian, and that would be maybe my 47th thought if I heard I was going to go to Vegas and that’s if, at that exact moment someone asked me to act in a skit and play the role of my mother, hearing that she gets to go to Vegas. Celine? Not even Britney?!?
Olivia is a classic case of ‘girl who completely loses it’ on The Bachelor. Is she going to go back to her job after this, reporting the daily news or doing the morning show or whatever it is she does on TV, after referring to Ben as her ‘piece’ and slithering about as sexily as an old man who just wet his diaper and doesn’t want Irene from Bingo to know?
And yet, we’re not giving JoJo any love. Even in the opening scene when the girls pounced on Vegas in a sea of earth-tones and booties and did the obligatory freak-out when they saw their pimped out suite, there is something about JoJo that stands out. When she got her date card, I actually got goosebumps, because it truly meant so much to her. Whereas other girls in the past make a spectacle of themselves, jumping up and down and squealing, JoJo had a private little moment with herself, and fought back tears of happiness. Adorbs. Clearly someone upstairs is into JoJo too because how the hell else do you explain how that shirt stayed on her body? I don’t get it. These girls are what, 24 average? When I was 24, I needed a bra to properly situate my boobs. I’m sorry but this is just a fact. It’s just astounding to me how many of these girl have boobs that don’t require any supervision. Even with those stick on, backless, frontless, strapless bras, you’re still going to find yourself in trouble at some point. Trust me. I wore one of those bad boys to my nephew’s bar mitzvah, and I’m pretty sure my bra was a belt by 10:30. And don’t even try to tell me that I didn’t follow the instructions!
Even when Hurricane Prosecco tore through the rooftop cocktail scene, they’re all like, ‘Let’s make the most out of this and kiss before one of us gets concussed by the table.’ Even though they only showed us the first two minutes of the date and the last ten, while the rest of the girls Where’s Waldo’ed them and picked them out of the entire city to watch them make out, I think we can all agree that we dig JoJo and Ben. And if we don’t, well, it’s my blog, and I say we do.
So the next day, Caila, Amanda, Jubilee, Olivia, Hailey, Emily, Leah, Lauren B, Jennifer and Rachel head out on the (hopefully only) date where the girls are forced to perform in front of a live audience doing something they have absolutely zero skill in. You know it’s not going to be pretty when one of the girls – the kindergarten teacher – vehemently promises to draw the line at nipple tassles. It’s a good thing the editing gods were on our side and we didn’t have to sit through 99% of the performances. Let’s not kid ourselves. We know why we’re all here. It was like River Dance, be a chicken, yada yada yada, Olivia.
What’s there to say? You all saw it. Her confidence. Her allusion to secret hidden talent which could have been anything from tying a cherry string in a knot with her tongue to reciting the months of the year in Mandarin. You saw her remove her shoes (they said talent show, Honey, not freak show). You saw Amanda criticizing her for having enough time to come up with something better even though Amanda herself literally just used a hoolah hoop. You saw her literal inability to even fake being sexy when she couldn’t exit the cake properly, let alone sashay across the stage, and you saw the clock slowly tick by.
You gotta hand it to her (you don’t actually). Somewhere along the way she probably realized she should just end it right there (and I mean END it, not complete her dance), but she kept going, snorting and hunching her way to the finish line as the entire audience including Terry Fator (whom we’re apparently supposed to be excited about?), sat there stunned and embarrassed for her. Some would argue that’s worse than being embarrassed for yourself.
And then. The panic attack. It wasn’t quite up there with black widow spider Kelsey Poe’s legendary fake panic attack from Chris’s season, but it was a treat, nonetheless.
She came to the evening portion of the night looking like Mrs. Roper in a barely closed silk robe, pretty much hanging on by a thread (I mean the girl switched to kitten heels – if that’s not giving up, what is?) You could tell that she was ready to give hang up to towel, because she actually ate the food. total giveaway. Who eats on this show? Yet somehow, she found the strength to interrupt 14 conversations and convince herself that apologizing to Ben incessantly was her ticket back in his heart, even though you could actually hear him apologizing and WTF’ing to the other girls over cocktails. Still, whatever it was, it got her back to her old self, which of course, meant lying to the girls about Ben basically saying he loved her. Good to have you back, Olivia.
The win of the night for me was definitely Ben calling Caila a sex panther, and I have to admit she did look pretty hot. Then again, the camera only showed us her legs and ass all night, so really what choice did I have other than to switch teams?
Amanda is getting more awkward with each episode, and it didn’t help that she was sandwiched between Ben and Caila when he gave her the rose. If she doesn’t step up her game next week, I’m gonna have to move on.
There isn’t much to say about Ben’s date with Becca. The wedding gown she wore was probably the most disappointing dress delivery in Bachelor history. Like couldn’t they have run it through a steamer at least? Hung it in the shower, for God’s sake? Changed up the lighting to save us from some of the blinding sheen of the flammable fabric? Their conversation was as ill-fitting as the dress, but honestly, I think that’s just Becca and she’s just awkward. The bonus was getting a further look into who Ben really is, and honestly, he’s just so darn sweet and cute that you can’t help but love him. He was so nervous about making the ceremony perfect for this random couple. I can just picture him on his wedding day getting his tie adjusted by his dad, eyes welling up at the moment, you know?
The night ends with them saying some random vows to each other and Ben concluding, like all the other girls after every single one-on-one, that he can see a future with Becca. Good luck, Buddy.
The next day, the surprise one-on-two with the twins takes place and you have to wonder if the whole trip to Vegas was centered around bringing those girls home to Momma to make sure she was there to hold some hair back during break-up puke. Either way, it was the exact right thing to do and again, you gotta admire Ben for his sincere interest in preserving the girls’ feelings. I wish the same could be said for Hailey, who practically straddled him in the limo on the way back to the rest of the girls while Emily cried into her pile of photos of ex boyfriends.
Finally, the episode is coming around to the end. Olivia figures out her talent is eating cake (join the club) and convincing herself that they’re right back where they need to be. You can almost see the crazy creep back into her eyes, as JoJo brags about having spent all her time making out with Ben when Olivia rejoins the girls on the couch.
There are a few other awkward conversations, like Jennifer’s whole minute until she gets interrupted by – shocker – Olivia, and Jubilee, who self-deprecates herself all over the place and is all but spanked by Ben for being utterly insecure.
Roses go to Amanda, Lauren H (really?), Jubilee, Emily, Jennifer, Leah, Lauren B and Olivia, in addition to Becca, Jojo and Caila and we’re all set for next week. If Amanda and Jennifer don’t get their one-on-ones next week, I think we’re already looking at our final four, which is kinda scary.
We say goodbye to Amber (who can I just say, really? How can you actually say you want to marry this man?!? Do you realize how stupid that looks when you’ve spent a total of six minutes with him and three of those minutes you were bullying Jubilee?!?) and Rachel (who also, really? Did we ever know you?)
Next week, it’s the episode where everyone individually approaches Ben with the ‘I didn’t want to say anything but I care about you and someone in the house – I can’t name names (okay fine it’s Olivia), is a total biatch’ conversation. At least one every season. Can’t say I’m not excited about that one!
Till next week, y’all!