K so let’s see how this goes. First of all, I know I’m late. It’s not quite as worrisome as a late period in eleventh grade, but I get it – you’re pissed.
Secondly, I friggin’ hate my PVR. It’ll tape re-runs of Keeping up with the Kardashians (oh Kim…remember when you were the most relevant one in the family? Yeah, me too), but the one show I actually want it to record? No dice. It’s like these little monsters are sitting inside it, just chilling and they’re bored and all like, ‘Hey wanna fuck with her? Watch this.’ Cancel record. Boo-yah. Cue monster laughs.
So upon realizing 45 minutes in that my PVR wasn’t capturing our show (what is up with children wanting love and snuggles at bed time? AmIright?), I had to watch the second hour first, and then watch the first half on time shifting. I know what you’re thinking. How interesting can this story get, right? Are you totally captivated?
Whatever, let’s just begin. Bear with me though, cuz I’m sure I missed stuff.
So this week was basically the week where everyone lost their shit. Like hard. A week of self-discovery, if you will. Lace finally asked herself to accept her own rose. Jubilee realized that she may just make Bachelor history by not only being a woman of colour and establishing a true connection with the bachelor, but also by giving the most attitude ever to a Bachelor and getting a rose for it. We’re talking complaining about being late, not wanting to go on the date, spitting out food specially prepared for her, telling Ben he has no sense of humour and then some. And of course, Ben learned he is literally allergic to dates without hot tubs and live country music.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s start with the first one-on-one that went to Laura B, which consisted of a terrifying tiny plane ride and being dropped in the desert like emergency provisions. Not to fear though… thanks to Ben’s genius thinking/network sponsorship deals, they immediately relaxed from the harrowing ride with…a random hot tub in the middle of nowhere. I think it would have been classier if it had been an above ground pool. Who comes up with these things? The least they could have done is erected some sort of cabana for her to change in, but instead he’s like ‘ok you go behind that twig. I won’t look. Pinky swear.’
I know there was a lot of sexual innuendo going back and forth between her and Ben, but I could barely make out most of it. Not sure if that’s cuz she’s just a mumbler or because I don’t care.
I have to say, despite me not understanding lots of what she said, especially that line which was apparently awkward but I didn’t hear even when I rewound it, I have to say, I really like the questions he asks. What are the little things? Adorbs. The night ended with Ben making up his mind that he could see Laura B as his wife one day. If only he didn’t feel the same way about every date so far.
So the next day it’s time to put on your best workout wear and fight over Ben. The girls pretended to be excited about playing soccer (like Rachel, the new chick from last week who has all of a sudden become Little Miss Airtime) and feigned knowledge of the two soccer champions there to lead them to victory while they cracked predictable jokes about their ball handling skills.
They all warmed up with a solid child’s pose (cuz that really gets your heart rate going?) and eventually put on their Stars and Stripes costumes which reminded me of the recent Donald Trump video featuring a group of girls I can only compare to Hitler Youth singing disturbing songs about American ideologies. Just reason #742 that I’m a proud Canadian (seriously – sorry to my American readers, I totally heart you, but y’all should head up our way sometime soon).
After a jubilant cheer that will forever change how I view nursery rhymes, we get to witness Beast Mode Emily get her game on for a chance to hang with Ben and Rachel get some sort of Charlie horse that also caused her tongue to dislocate.
The losing girls head back to the mansion where Shushanna cries tears of vodka and Rachel hobbles off to bed. But in the meantime and more importantly, on the date, the girls have decided to gang up on Olivia, who once again is the first to leap off the couch for some alone time. Did they talk about her aggressive personality? No. Did they talk about her possessive delusions? Uh Uh. Did they talk about her passive aggressive, back-handed compliments? Sure didn’t. They talked about her horse breath, and her toes, which frankly, I would give my right arm to see and was unsuccessful even after serious research on Google.
As if we didn’t dislike her enough already, during her alone time with Ben we had to listen to her ‘complain’ in a sing-song voice that people find her intimidating, which is equivalent to one girl telling another girl she looks skinny for the sole purpose of the second girl returning the same compliment immediately. Classic move. It’s okay though guys, cuz we all learned an important lesson with this one, and that’s perfection is so lame. Why? Cuz your toes and cankles give you a certain je ne sais quoi? Sure. Keep telling yourself that.
That said, I’d rather listen to Olivia complain about her cankles than listen to Amber complain yet again that she hasn’t had any time with Ben. How she scored the rose is beyond me. Either way, her days are numbered.
The next morning, Jubilee is so nervous she looks like she’s coming down with a virus as she prepares for her date with Ben in a white on white ensemble with annoyingly untied pants.
What appears to be a hurricane outside turns out to be their ride – a welcome distraction from Jubilee’s attempt at humour by insulting Ben in front of the girls and the awkward silence that ensues.
They arrive at a stunning spa where she gags on caviar, makes racist jokes to Ben and then slowly peels away her layers to reveal a very guilt-ridden, sensitive comedian trapped inside someone else’s body (so she says). Other than the fact that she loves hot dogs, there weren’t too many amusing things rolling off her tongue and her flirting with Ben in the hot tub was actually painful.
And yet – there is still something in that moment I liked about Jubilee (pretty much only that moment). I like her vulnerability and honesty, and the way she takes her time expressing herself. But those nails. I can’t.
To the shock of the other girls who have decided that Jubilee is the worst kind of woman ever – one who (gasp!!!) – wouldn’t fit in with the other soccer moms, she makes it back to the house with a rose and a mild case of paranoid schizophrenia.
The next day, emotions are running high all around. The girls are up in arms because they need something to hold onto, so they decide Jubilee’s one sentence the day before about someone taking her place on the date is literally the worst thing anyone could ever say ever. The usual rose holders like Olivia are without, so there’ somewhat of a sense of panic, but then Ben shows up and puts it all in perspective.
Close family friends have been killed tragically in a plane crash. You can tell he’s deeply hurt and looking to the girls to kiss his booboos. Yes, I’m sure for the most part the girls really care and want to be there for him, but some no doubt are looking at this opportunity as the role of a lifetime. Girlfriend of the bereaved? Jackpot!
And then there’s Olivia.
She grabs Ben immediately, as he’s literally in the middle of a speech about how fragile life is, and with a pout and a hand-pull she’s dragged him outside. Of course she wants to be the first to comfort him, right? To find the right words. To let him know that she’s here for him. To take the pain away. But instead, she doesn’t miss a beat and spends their one on one time fighting back tears and “trying to be strong” about the struggle she’s had over her toes and cankles. “There’s like, blogs against my toes, Ben,” she says as he sits there in total shock and confusion that she hasn’t even mentioned his family’s tragedy, the tears barely dry on his cheeks. I guess making her sweat it out till the final rose of the night was his way of putting her in her place, but let’s be honest – she’s too ego-centric to make that connection, and for sure believes he ‘saved the best for last’. And for the record, there are no blogs against her toes. I checked. ObV.
In the meantime, Jubilee has dug a deeper grave by making a massage table appear out of thin air and committing the cardinal Bachelor sin of snagging one-on-one time on cocktail party night when she already has a rose. Amber makes an attempt at confronting her while Jubilee hides on a bench in the fetal position, swathed in a hand job blanket, refusing to even begin a conversation. On the one hand, I get it, she doesn’t want to get involved in the house drama, but her paranoia and refusal to engage in conversation before she even knows what Amber is going to say it totes weird. What if she just wanted to know her favourite colour? What if she had a cool new knock knock joke she was just dying to try out. You don’t know, Jubilee. You just don’t know.
Somehow though, it’s Jubilee for the win. She gets to snuggle with Ben on a toilet and Amber ends up looking like a gossipy bitch for picking on Jubilee as Ben comforts her. He brushes past Amber to get away from the convo faster than Olivia decided Ben is her actual husband – and that’s pretty friggin fast.
Ben is visibly exhausted, and you just want to tuck him in and reschedule the rose ceremony, poor thing.
He starts doling out the coveted roses (which really? In real life? Who wants red roses?), and is about half way through, Lace decides to call it quits and high tails it out of the mansion. That’s what we like to call dodging a bullet in these here parts.
Roses go to Lauren H, Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, the elusive Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, and of course, Olivia.
While Olivia interviews about how she and Ben have unspoken connections and every gesture is a direct line of communication to her heart, the castaway girls depart and Jamie shares some really inspirational learnings from her Bachelor experience – that you can’t ever expect anything from anyone human. Um…I’m sorry you feel that way, Jamie. Maybe you can go find comfort in your igloo, or perhaps a bowl of poutine (#notoverit).
Next week, looks like my girl JoJo gets a one-on-one, Becca and Ben get married in another classic Bachelor Vegas date scene, and Olivia has a panic attack. So either she’s realizing he has connections with other girls, or someone made her wear peep-toes. Guess we’ll have to wait and see.
Till next week!