Let me put on my best Chris Harrison voice for a moment – ahem, ahem –
Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight – the moment we’ve all been waiting for – that’s right folks. It’s finally the end of this season of The Bachelor! You can stop punching yourself in the face, flipping channels, and praying that at least you’ll score some cash from your Bachelor pools in an attempt to make this season not a total wash. Yup. We’re DONE. If you’ll have a quick look behind me, you’ll notice that while I’ve said it’s standing room only here in our studio audience, everyone behind me is comfortably seated on a chair. I don’t know who wrote these cue cards, but you can bet that as sure as there’s corn in Arlington, someone’s ass is fired.
Ah, Chris. You tried.
From the moment we saw Chris walking that beefy walk through his field in a wool overcoat and joining his family and their dog which I totally thought was a baby deer at first glance to help him inch his way through his decision (process of elimination), I knew we were in for a long night.
Add daylight savings to that, plus the fact that I spent most of the early part of the night scrubbing lip balm out of one of my upholstered chairs after my daughter got overzealous with one of her new birthday presents, and I was not exactly a happy camper. (Sidebar – if you’re looking for a remedy for said stain removal, please note that carpet cleaning putty, Resolve, baking soda, rubbing alcohol, hairspray and of course, my tears, DO NOT FRIGGIN WORK.)
I’m pretty sure I called Whitney as the big winner in either my first or second blog post. I didn’t realize that Chris would barely know if he was into her five minutes before he proposed, but oh well, I was still technically right. There’s no doubt in my mind here – Whitney is the right and only choice for Chris. For realz. She’ll give him the best life – the one he’s been dreaming of sharing with someone as they ride off together into the sunset.
But I’m getting ahead of myself now aren’t I? Let’s back it up a bit.
So Whitney gets the first shot at Chris’s family, and I’m thinking, if she wanted to impress them, she may have wanted to remember to wear bottoms. I think the length of her skirts are closely linked to her level of happiness because on After the Final Rose, I’m pretty sure I saw her vaj.
It didn’t seem to matter that Whitney wasn’t exactly dressed for church, because she busted out line after line about how much she loved Chris, how much she wanted to be a part of a family and how ready she was to abandon any evidence of her previous life to be Mrs. Soules. Obviously, it worked like a charm. I’ll admit that she got me good, and I was crying right along with Chris’s entire family around the dinner table, but there were also points throughout the episode where I just wanted her to shut up and stop talking for a minute. Then again, Chris doesn’t really say much, so again, a perfect match.
Clearly Chris’s entire family was on Team Whitney. Even as the guys recapped the evening in the workshop my husband would actually be aroused by (did you see that socket wrench collection? How hot am I for knowing what a socket wrench is? Wait, were those socket wrenches?), it was almost as if they didn’t need to meet Becca. It was funny how his brother in law labelled Becca as ‘the girl at the bar that you’d never speak to’. As if they know what a bar looks like. Good one, Bro.
I don’t know why Becca waited this long to show me that she was funny. Um, hello, girlfriend. We could have taken our relationship to the next level years ago! I actually laughed out loud when she made the joke about going to the Post Office as a fun outing, but then realized that would actually be her life and I sort of wanted to cry. Can you really picture Becca living in Arlington, putting on that perfect pore-less face for what – the cows?
While I do have to admire her honesty, she certainly wasn’t doing herself any favours trying to win the hearts of Chris’s fam by admitting that she didn’t love him yet, may one day but not too soon, and could not confirm if Arlington was the place for her. Even when his mom tried desperately to outline how much she really did care, she still couldn’t process the thoughts in her mind. Under normal circumstances, I usually applaud this attitude and I’m a firm believer that if this show ended season after season with people asking to be boyfriend and girlfriend instead of husband and wife, and if instead of a ring they were given space on a shelf, or a toothbrush to keep at the other one’s place, most of these relationships would last a lot longer. But with Chris Soules, I think the ‘winner’ needed to be definitive. Because there will likely be no changes whatsoever between now and when this magical day may come that you ‘know’. He’s still going to have the same winning personality. You’re still going to have to move to Arlington (no room for compromise there). So if you don’t know, well, time to step aside.
So now we’re in Dubuque, Iowa, which sadly, is the best available luxury locale for the final dates.
Chris greets Becca first and you can tell by the way he’s ‘smizing’ and close-talking that he really loves her. I can only imagine how frustrated he was listening to her basically refuse to commit to any sort of life goals or future. Like, we get that you’re on the fence Becca but can you sorta, kinda, give it some thought? We’re on a clock here. She doesn’t know what she wants. She doesn’t know if she wants to be married and have kids. She doesn’t know if she wants to move to Arlington. She doesn’t know if she loves him or if she ever can. Awesome. Despite all this, there was a part of me after their date that thought he was actually going to take all of those red flags and plant them right in his corn field and just let them grow based on how he was chatting about still loving her post-date. He wouldn’t be the first Bachelor to ignore the signs, that’s for sure.
Then there was Whitney’s final date. I thought that A) her inability to figure out where Chris had taken her was a bit much. Really? You don’t know that he took you to his farm? There’s literally no other place he could have taken you. And B) now we know the other detail Chris has been hiding about Arlington…the charming wind chill factor.
I think the only one in more of a rush to get out of the cold than poor shivering Chris was Neil Lane, who probably had a helicopter hovering above the hotel so he could spend as little time in Iowa as possible.
I don’t know about you, but I was a little disconcerted by Chris’s remarks that if you’re a man choosing an engagement ring and you don’t have doubts about the girl as you’re picking it, then you’re not human. Really? I mean, I can’t speak on my husband’s behalf or anything (but I will) – I’m pretty sure he knew I was the one when he was selecting the ring (he actually paid for). Keep trying to convince yourself, Chris.
Finally, it’s D-Day. The barn has been sufficiently bachelor-fied with excessive chandeliers and other assorted fire hazards, and Becca dons her Christmas tree skirt and makes her way to meet Chris and rejection head on. Don’t get me wrong, I actually loved the cut of her dress. I’m just not so into the velvet (maybe it was for warmth?).
I have to say Chris and Becca’s split was the most amicable one I’ve seen, dare I say, in bachelor history? Clearly Becca knew he was making the right choice for himself. What else could he have done? The only question running through my mind while watching the last ten minutes where he prepped for his big decision and led us to believe he had no idea which way to go was how he was going to explain his indecision to Whitney when she finally watched the show. All’s I know is someone’s going to be ‘right pissed’.
Finally, Whitney arrives and once again, needs to fill the silence with an over-emotional speech. We get it, sister. You love him. Nothing was left unsaid here. You’re good. Just chill.
Yada, yada, yada, Chris tells her he loves her, they’re engaged, adorable photo op of them watching the sunset out of the barn, bring mom and dad in for a hug and excessive awkward conversation about having sex, and it’s baby making time! Yay them!
Seriously though – it’s clear that Whitney was the only choice for Chris from the start and there is actually no doubt in my mind that they’ll have a wonderful life together. Ya did good, Chris.
After the Final Rose was a bit of a sea of awkwardness. Right from the get go, Chris Harrison gives Prince Farming like one minute to be sorta happy about his current sitch with Whitney (it’s hard to tell due to the lack of expression in his voice) before he drills Chris relentlessly about his feelings for Becca and if he would have picked her had circumstances A, B and C been different.
Then Becca takes the stage and…well, actually, to be honest I fast forwarded almost all of her interview because why not?
Whitney came out wearing the shortest dress I’ve ever seen and Chris Harrison does his obligatory admiration of the ring as if Chris S had anything whatsoever to do with it. He then again, lets Whitney bask in the glow of her public joy for a whole minute and starts interrogating her about watching the show, and what her thoughts are on Chris’s connections with the other women. Clearly Whitney had rehearsed for this portion because she was very quick to defend what they had and her lack of interest in seeing how the rest of the season unfolded. It’s no shocker that Chris (S) “supported her” in her decision not to watch the season. He may call it being supportive. Personally, I call it dodging a bullet.
To relieve some of the awkwardness (or perhaps, provide some basic entertainment), the big gun (Jimmy Kimmel) was brought in. While the cow thing was cute, I also felt super bad for the cow, who was no doubt pretty spooked being dragged around in a circle while a bunch of women screamed at it. And to make things even more awkward, Jimmy calls it, well, exactly like it was, announcing that Becca wasn’t into Chris, and hence, Whitney was chosen. Oh Whitney, if only you watched the show…
For our final moments of awkward, we’ve got Chris Harrison begging Ashley S to please, pretty please come on Bachelor in Paradise to essentially be a circus freak and then – wait for it – we find out that there’s not one but TWO upcoming bachelorettes!
It almost seemed like Ashley and Britt were told the plan like five seconds before they got on stage, cuz they had no answers and barely knew how to receive the news. I’m not sure how I feel about this whole two bachelorettes thing.
On the one hand, I’m all for changing it up, but on the other hand, how is this going to go down? What happens to the guys who vote for one and the other gets chosen as The Bachelorette? They might as well have ‘not here for the right reasons’ tattooed on their no doubt chiseled abs.
I’m not sure how confident I am that we can trust these guys to make the decision we want them to make, because really, both girls are incredibly good picks.
There’s Britt, the free-spirited, exotic beauty, who’s extremely loyal to her earrings and lip colour and has that way of making any guy feel like the sun rises and sets in her world with them. She’s adorable, sexy and mysterious all at the same time. I’m sure most of the guys will be drawn to the opportunity to date a girl like her, simply because they never have, and they’ll be blinded by her persona. That said, she also has clearly stated she’s not in a rush to get married. So is that the outcome we’re hoping for if Britt is chosen?
And then there’s Kaitlyn, who’s also beautiful, with an ass that won’t quit – and here’s the clincher – she’s funny. I’m hoping that the guys will look beyond the moment Britt takes their breath away and realize that in the long run, a girl who can make you laugh is infinitely more important than a girl who is somewhat doused in fairy dust. And oh yeah – Kaitlyn showers. So there’s that.
So there you have it. Chris and Whitney are off to make babies. Becca is off to preserve her virginity, as well as her ability to enter a relationship for a bit longer. Ashley S is off to hunt for magical squirrels. Kaitlyn and Britt are off to pretend to be besties while secretly loathing each other and falling for the same guy (you heard it here first). And me? I’m off to call a professional upholstery cleaner (anyone want to adopt a five year old?) and eat leftover birthday cake.
Till next time!