Okay honestly, I don’t even know where to start. Do I start way back last week, when we had to suffer through ‘Chris Tells All’ (aka let’s replay scenes of drunk and crazy chicks to offer the illusion that this season has been mildly entertaining and squeeze the last bit of rage we can out of the audience by forcing them to listen to Kelsey pronounce controver-see-yal in her wanna-be angelic white dress that attempts to make her look innocent when we know she’s nothing short of diabolical?).
Or do we start at the episode after that where the girls feign excitement for getting to go to Iowa (the phrase ‘Yay! We’re getting colonoscopies!’ seems like a comparable statement to make), and Chris whisks Jade off to Arlington to meet his cows (aka her new gal pals) and where the ‘Welcome Home, Chris’ sign with the abandoned shopping cart half-hazardly blocking it can only compete for the title of ‘most depressing’ with the town of Arlington itself. I mean the town is so lacking in people that the football players actually also have to be in the marching band. Shame.
Or, do we go right into Hometowns, where we start to wonder if that lipstick on Britt is actually her real lip colour, Kaitlyn proves that sometimes all the good genes really do go to one sister, there’s a plethora of cute booties, Carly accidentally reveals her vaj, and Becca’s shirt in the park leaves us waiting for a bull to come crashing through the trees as she yells ‘Toro! Toro!’ Not to mention Chris raps. That was fun. And not embarrassing at all.
Nope, we don’t do any of that, because honestly, the reason I didn’t write my blog last week, is because I. Just. Couldn’t. So I’m not going to start now. Besides barely paying attention because this show is SO BORING, I had plenty more exciting things on my mind. On the downside, I was basically in a TV mourning period after having finished my binge-watching of Parenthood, which has left a deep void in my soul that can only be compared to the end of the show Friends. But on the bright side, earlier that day, I went balls deep in closet organization and it took everything in me not to abandon the show completely just to go run my hands along my colour-coded shirts and perfectly folded jeans. I think I could have actually brought myself to orgasm if I had tackled my jewelry too, but alas, that’s for another day. And of course, while watching a good episode of The Bachelor can be satisfying, going through a massive pile of Hershey’s Kisses that I bought “for my kids” for Valentine’s Day is just way better.
So yeah. I don’t even have any excuses for you guys. I just honestly didn’t feel like writing it. Picture me as a three year old all ‘But I don’t wanna!!!, but with no adult around to tell me that I have to. I am counting the minutes till this season is over, as I knew I would be, and no tiny, teasing bits of crazy or visits from previous Bachelorettes (Oy, Andi. Call me, we’ll hang. Love you) is going to make this season better. Even Chris can’t sell this future to these girls.
So let’s just get last night’s episode over with. They’re in Bali. It’s hot and humid, and beautiful and magical, yesiree.
The purpose of this week it seems, is that Chris really wants to know, once and for all, if these girls can make it work in Arlington. As he’s done the whole season, he makes it as clear as possible, that it is going to suck. Not just sort of suck. But really suck. See that bar over there? Yeah – it used to be good times. Till it shut down. Want to go somewhere fun? Sorry. You can’t. Unless of course you’re up for a three hour drive. You’re on board with abandoning your career to be Suzie Homemaker? Sweet. Except, oh wait, you can’t spend your time cooking up elaborate meals, because the one grocery store is basically shut down. There’s always a can of Spam from the gas station and some corn fresh from the field, right?
And what’s that? You’re so excited to put your feminine touch on your new home with Chris, and spend your days shopping for cute little things to decorate with? Sorry. There’s NO SHOPPING. ANYWHERE. Can’t wait to pump out those babies and make new mom friends? Sorry. There’s NO PEOPLE. Yup, I hope you like wandering from room to room in your house, dragging your finger through the dust on the dresser that you now clean every single day because it’s the only thing to do between visits from Chris’s sisters. Let’s see if these girls are in it to win it.
The episode starts off with Kaitlyn, and honestly, while the scenery and culture were beautiful, I had a hard time not focusing my attention on her ass and legs. I’m not kidding. Anyone else? I think there should be a rule that final fantasy destinations should not be humid ones. These are the final moments these couples will have to determine if they’re ‘meant to be’, right? The least we could do is throw them a good hair day, not to mention, do whatever we can to reduce the size of Chris’s pit stains. I’m surprised the monkeys went anywhere near him! And while we’re outlawing things, can we please stop with the reading out loud of the Fantasy Suite card, not to mention the feigned surprise that the opportunity to spend the night together has presented itself. Like what are we in, season 23? They haven’t changed one syllable on that card since Trista and Ryan.
I’m honestly pretty surprised by Kaitlyn’s feelings for Chris, and I think they just prove that it’s possible to fall in love with anyone, under the carefully crafted circumstances of this show. Can I see Whitney jumping in, cowboy boots first? Yes. Can I see Becca settling down somewhat in Arlington? Sure. But Kaitlyn? She’s funny, she’s got spunk, she’s got style, and she is for sure the kid of girl who likes to go for drinks and laugh her ass off with her girlfriends. I’m glad he cut her loose, because I think she would have ended up so unhappy, and I kind of adore her.
The next day, Whitney is ready to greet Chris with her usual leg grip. I’m not sure if she just OD’d on the bronzer or put on a bit of weight but something just didn’t seem right with her face. Did anyone else think that? No matter, I guess, because the camera chose to plant itself basically on her ass the whole time they were lounging on the yacht.
I don’t know why we’re wasting our time here. He is clearly going to pick her and if he doesn’t he’s making the wrong choice, because she is the only one I can see truly embracing this life, and actually, loving it.
I honestly don’t know much about their date beyond them seeming blissfully happy and him reiterating once again, that there’s nothing to do in Arlington, because I got sort of caught up in a ‘25 uses for baby powder’ life-hacks thing on my phone (we’ll be putting the ‘it untangles necklaces’ one to the test on the previously mentioned jewelry organization day), and before I knew it, they were wishing each other ‘nighty night’ in the fantasy suite. Oh well!
So the next day, it’s Becca’s turn and of course, the big news on everyone’s mind is her dropping the V bomb. To be honest, I’m not exactly clear on what being a ‘virgin’ really means. Obviously he’s not going to be scoring any home runs with Becca, but can he at least get on base? Throw a few practice pitches? Any virgins out there who’d care to enlighten me? I’m dead serious.
The best part of their date was Becca’s adorable yellow dress and hair (I need to know her entire hair regimen stat), and the worst part was watching Chris’s erection deflate when she broke the news to him and then watching him fumble for the words that are the least offensive when he realizes he won’t be going three for three.
Clearly their date gave him lots of time to think (what else were they going to do?), because the next day, Chris was deeply emotional as he tried to navigate through the difficult decision ahead. I felt super bad for him – poor thing is just a gentle-souled farmer, not equipped to be in a love quandary or any sort!
His arrival at the rose ceremony was somber, and made even more awkward by Chris Harrison’s immediate lecture about physically touching on hallowed ground. It’s like Chris H thought Chris S was going to bust a move on him.
His chat with Becca at the rose ceremony seemed to be all he needed to get back on track, and as he faced the women all dressed up in traditional Balinese garb, clearly having entirely given up on their hair and pinning it so tightly back that Whitney looked like a cone head, we watched in horror, but also relief, as he let Kaitlyn go.
As per usual, Chris’s explanations don’t make much sense, but we can tell that both of them are hurting, with she looking like she was holding back vomit the whole time he was speaking, and for now, that’s what we’ve been left with.
So next week, the women tell all, or “The women attack Kelsey and Britt”. Either way, I’ll be watching. Sorta. Don’t hate me – I’m honestly doing the best I can. Now where did I put that chocolate?…