I have to be honest. You guys deserve at least that. So here it is: I spent more time browsing the internet for chicken thigh marinades through this episode than I did paying attention to every little detail like I normally do. Bad blogger. Naughty blogger. But really? Can you blame me?
You’d think with all this making out and extremely high ratio of super-weird (not just crazy, but legit weird) girls to make fun of that it would hold my interest, and I’d be overflowing with material, but as suspected, you know, around the time when I vowed to abandon this blog if Prince Farming was chosen as The Bachelor because he’s soooooo boring….well, I’m bored.
So yeah, you’re not gonna get 4000 words this week where I basically read your mind and say all the things you and your husband or girlfriends sit on the couch together saying the night before (it’s okay, Buddy – I won’t tell the guys you watch!) You’re gonna get a loosely curated list of Things I have to Say About This Week’s Bachelor Episode. Let’s go for a Top 10. Cuz why not?
Things I have to Say About This Week’s Bachelor Episode (in no particular order as told to you by a blogger who was barely paying attention – I know, you give me one task. One task!)
- Let’s start with the obvious. Ashley I. GET OFF MY SCREEN. Why are we giving this girl so much of our time? Yes, she’s an emotional wreck, a Kardashian prodigy, a virgin-hating virgin, a girl who exits a car with her shorts already undone (cuz that’s…in style?) an over-thinker, and we now know, a Cinderella-obsessed tantrum-having diva, but WHO CARES??? There are so many other girls here, that dare I say, he may actually be building relationships with and I am just SO OVER ASHLEY I. Why is she even still here? Obviously a girl who uses the light of a campfire to touch up her lipstick does not a country girl make. We’re heading into week 5 and we don’t even know all of these girls yet! And let’s just be clear here, Ashley. You’re not a virgin because you’re making some moral choice like Becca to save yourself. You’re a virgin because you can’t find a guy willing to let you cash in your V chip. Big difference.
- Per point # 1 – who the hell is Samantha? Seriously.
- Is it normal that I was almost more jealous of the portable steamer the girls got to use to get their outfits prepped than I was of Jade’s whole Cinderella experience? I have drapes I hung like nine years ago which still have the creases. True story.
- Could it have been any more obvious that Jade was getting the date chosen by the sisters? Who taught these editors about building suspense? I know. Let’s talk to all the girls for three seconds each, but when it’s Jade’s turn, let’s give her ten minutes and throw in some ‘last five minutes of a Full House episode where Stephanie and DJ learn a powerful lesson’ music just to kick it up a notch. What??? Jade got the one on one? You don’t say! Never saw that one coming!
- Breaking News guys. Kelsey’s a biatch. I’m just going to go out on a limb here. When we first met Kelsey, we obviously felt sick about what happened to her husband. But now, there’s a small part of me thinking the dude is chilling on a beach somewhere, all Shawshank Redemption Zihuatanejo styles, living the high life with a sailboat and a dream. People do fake their own deaths. Just saying. It’s not that I’m judging Kelsey for being out of her comfort zone in the lake and feeling uncomfortable stripping down for the sake of getting Chris’s attention. Totally down with that. But really? You weren’t exactly roughing it. It looked like a full chef’s kitchen had been set up for meal prep and it wasn’t exactly rough terrain. Half the girls were wearing booties! Suck it up, girlfriend. Oh and stop laughing.
- Along with the theme above of not wanting to strip down with the other girls, can we talk for a second about Kaitlyn’s ass? Was she born doing squats? I think I might have my first girl crush.
- What the hell is with Carly’s gladiator sandal wedding dress combo? Did you wear them to bring out your snaggletooth?
- The phrase ‘Alls I can do’. That needs to stop.
- I suppose at some point I should talk about Chris, right? Though he honestly seemed kind of MIA for lots of the episode, he had some strong moments this week and some weak ones. Weak: A) When he couldn’t come up with anything to say to the first gaggle of group date girls other than that he enjoys seeing them in bathing suits, B) when he incoherently tried to have a conversation with Ashley I while being mouth-raped and decipher her allusion to her virginity while clearly wasted and C) his clear lack of knowledge on how to respond to Ashley S’s one on one time. Strong: A) The highs and lows of his time with Jillian. He starts out his date with her by dropping the bomb that she’s in the Top 3…and then she starts talking…and it all goes south. He handled the whole ‘would you rather’ scenario well, and was pretty clear to her that she wasn’t the one for him (‘was it something I said?’ she ponders while tears made of lactic acid drip out of her dead eyes). And of course B) his heartfelt goodbye to Juelia (Obv I bawled). I appreciate that he took the time to walk her out and sincerely wish her well.
- Oh Megan. I’m totally on board with creating special moments for you and Chris, especially at the cocktail parties where it’s super competitive. But the fruit thing? It’s not exactly rocket science to blindfold a guy and feed him one of the most common fruits ever. You might as well have given him corn. Shame.
- BONUS # 11 – I’m a bit concerned about Britt. Totally still love her, but I’m not sure what she was thinking with her whole performance review of Chris at the cocktail party (why are those behaviours being validated?), and while I totally thought your turquoise feather and black double earring thing was cool on week one, now I’m thinking you really only brought those earrings. Time to change it up.
That’s pretty much all I got, guys. But just so you too can benefit from my inability to focus on this episode in its entirety, here are two amazing chicken marinades that you should all make. And of course, they’re not even new ones I sourced while avoiding The Bachelor. They’re ones I’ve been using for years.
The first one is a total go-to – use any kind of chicken, skin on or skinless. I BBQ it or broil it usually. Good for a weeknight or for guests – simple and delicious! Got this Nigella recipe from Oprah (we’re besties) and have been making it for years.
BUTTERFLIED CHICKEN WITH LEMON AND ROSEMARY
- 1 butterflied chicken, skin on (or whatever assortment of chicken you’d like)
- 3 sprigs fresh rosemary
- Juice of 1 lemon (with more lemons for grilling and garnish)
- 1 red onion cut in various size chunks
- 6 TBSP olive oil
- Maldon or sea salt
Season chicken with salt, throw in large zip lock, add olive oil, lemon juice, toss lemon pieces into the bag too, the rosemary needles and the onion. Marinade as long as possible – ideally overnight, at least an hour or two.
BBQ – keep the onions and grill in a basket – amazing, OR bake at 425 for 45 minutes basting occasionally, or if using thinner breasts, broil for 20ish minutes, flipping sides once.
Here’s another amazing marinade that also uses fresh rosemary – who doesn’t love using the whole thing of herbs they bought? I’ve seen variations of this on about a million blogs like this one, where I originally found it, but it’s basically:
MAPLE DIJON CHICKEN
- 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
- 1/2 cup Dijon mustard
- 1/4 cup maple syrup
- 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
- Salt & pepper
- Fresh rosemary
Season chicken with S&P, whisk liquids together, pour on chicken, season with fresh rosemary and follow same cooking instructions as the other recipe.
Both of these are great in salads too.
Till next week!