Are you there, God? It’s me, Babefromtheburbs,
Thank you, God, for bringing the wonder that is Jimmy Kimmel into our lives, for one brief, fleeting moment. Though his presence was brief, his legacy is everlasting.
Honestly, where would we be without Jimmy? I’m already getting pretty bored watching Chris kiss everything with boobs – he may have actually gone to second base with one of those goats just out of habit – so thank goodness Jimmy was there to add some humour to the mix. Lord knows Chris won’t be busting out the comedy any time soon.
From the moment Jimmy entered the room, pledging his commitment to make love to every single one of the ladies (just direct quoting here, not actually in support of the phrase ‘making love’ – calm down) as some of them struggled to identify who he even was, and calling out for all the world to hear that ‘Canadians are the best’ (true story), Jimmy’s contribution to the episode was nothing short of, well, amazing.
So Katelyn gets the first one-on-one (a riveting date-card reading from Megan – at least now we know she can sort of read), and dons an outfit I know I personally wear to Costco every time I go – what says Costco more than a crop top and a maxi skirt, right?
I totally dig the whole ‘let’s see how we can get along under normal circumstances’ thing. If there was a girl to choose for this date, I think Katelyn was the right pick – can you imagine Ashley I on a Costco date, frantically filling her cart up with thousands of false eyelashes? Kaitlyn’s statement about how many girls can handle a Costco date was a bit farfetched, though. It’s just Costco – I’ll make that shit my bitch on a Saturday, yo!
Katelyn and Chris’s date was pretty cute from top to bottom – even though he did call it Kasko on more than one occasion. They managed to get some alone time prior to Jimmy’s arrival for dinner and by the time she was asked the hard-hitting questions about holding Chris’s fantasy suite activities with other women against him and how many farmers she’s dated (what the what?!?), you could tell that things were going well. The final scene where they were making out in the hot tub while Jimmy gnaws on a chicken wing was not only hilarious but really brings home just how icky it must be to have these dates and try to just go with the moment when there are camera guys inches away from you, likely jerking off under the bubbles. Jimmy totally should have gotten the rose for this one.
Back at the house, Britt, Jillian, Becca (I know – who?), Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Juelia and Carly are prepping to play This Little Piggie on their farm date with Chris.
Jillian is just…I don’t know what to do with girls like this. And it seems like neither do the others. We get it. You like to work out. Your thighs could crack a pistachio shell like nobody’s business. You save money on clothing by shopping in the girls section. You look for any opportunity to direct us to the gun show. But sweetie, this show is going to end and you’re going to have to go back to your job in a newsroom. Do ya think maybe you could put on one article of clothing this whole season that doesn’t require your labia to be blurred out of the screen shot? Like just one? Pretty please. It would be so…amazing.
Nothing says protein shake quite like a glass of goat milk straight from the teet, does it? Maybe that’s why Jillian almost – almost – won the ‘ho down throw down’ challenge. She was unfortunately beaten by Carly whom I assumed would get a decent chunk of one on one time with Chris as a reward for kicking ass, but instead got an awkward photo opp in a corner with the other girls watching. Sweet deal.
Onto the kissing portion of the evening, where the girls literally might as well have lined up to kiss Chris. They muster up their best material, like Carly’s ‘you are a man and I am a woman so I wanted to take advantage’ and Amber’s pathetic attempt at a slow dance (that, and the fact that she admitted to not liking anything warm and salty in her mouth are likely the top two reasons why she got the boot this week). Mackenzie, in her usual, endearing but socially inept way blasts Chris for kissing other women and then immediately backpedals and says she’s just curious’ before she heads back to the group to conclude that he didn’t make her feel special. Oh you’re’ special’, alright.
Wanna know what else is special? The seemingly vice-like grip that Jillian seems to have over Britt like she’s chosen to make her into her prison wife or something. Did anyone else feel a bit awkward with that?
Chris returns to the group just before Jillian officially switches teams and gives the rose to Becca, much to the super-obvious disgust of Ashley S. Shut up Ashley – no one knows how you’re even still here.
For one on one date #2, Whitney is chosen, apparently because Chris likes that she can just ‘roll the cob’, and also apparently because it’s okay to just make up phrases.
He does his best to appear carefree at the possibility of crashing a wedding but the poor guy is sweating through his plaid shirt. They ended up having an adorable date, with a replay of the same song ‘You and I against the World’ or something like that that we already heard on Andi’s season (ABC must be invested somehow in this artist). I think the nicest thing about their date were the light garlands hanging from the tree, but then again, Whitney is one of the only ones I can see actually adapting to Chris’s life, so overall, I approve.
The next morning, Chris and his pecs enjoy an outdoor shower while Jimmy creams his entire face and attentively washes Chris down. I thought for sure Jimmy would stick around for the pool party since I imagine the whole purpose of it was to see the ladies in their bathing suits.
Most of the girls seemed pumped that they were getting to spend a relaxed day by the pool, except for Ashley I who literally sulked because she didn’t get to reveal the ‘Kardashian look she’d been planning. FARMER’S WIFE, ASHLEY. THAT’S WHAT YOURE AUDITIONING FOR HERE, GIRLFRIEND. FARMER’S WIFE.
Most notable one on one time of the day went to Juelia, who blissfully went uninterrupted when she broke down and told her tragic story about her husband. Honourary mentions go Ashley I, who is now officially a basket case with a heart of gold, trying so desperately to orchestrate one on one time and finally succeeding on a balcony she nearly fell off of while she laughed/ugly-dried her way into snagging a rose. Apparently, all it takes to feel secure with Chris is a kiss. Not, you know, conversation or anything.
Also gotta hand it to Jade, who scored a one-on-one tour of Chris’s digs (that she could barely make it through because of her poolside stilettos) and not surprisingly, ended up in bed where for the longest time I was convinced that her nipple was exposed for all the world to see.
I have no idea what Chris and Jillian said to each other whatsoever when he finally joined her in the hot tub, but her flirty knowing glances are getting pretty stale if you ask me. The best part of their one on one time was watching Mackenzie try to situate herself seductively next to Chris and ending up looking utterly confused.
After an eternity of kissing noises that left me nauseous, we finally moved onto the rose ceremony where Chris attempted humour by telling them it had been an amazing week. Get it guys? Because he said amazing? So super funny. I wish he had taken Jimmy’s advice about hot being his boring self.
Despite looking like she was back from the dead in overdone makeup and a weirdly plunging neckline, Megan, along with Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Ashley S (WTF), Nicky (who?), Jillian and Ashley I scored more time with Chris next week.
I could end things here – I’ll admit that I may have missed some of the details this week that you were all hoping I’d capture. The truth is there are a lot of distractions out there these days. One distraction however, has seriously been plaguing me for a while. It gets my blood boiling and drives me to the brink of insanity. Since the great thing about having your own blog is you get to decide what to write about, I’m using you, my captive audience, to communicate the following public service announcement. Feel free to share it with your friends and loved ones.
Let’s say you’re a mom. Let’s say you’re a mom on a parenting forum on Facebook and you have, like, super-important opinions about lots of important things. Let’s say you feel the need to comment on those super important things or ‘offer advice’ and sometimes, your comments and ‘advice’ aren’t received well and you end up engaging in not-so-friendly banter.
That’s totally fine. I get it. But here’s the thing. Can you learn how to spell? Can you go back to grade whatever, when you learned the difference between there, they’re and their or your and you’re and try (for the love of God, try) to remember? Can you try to think about whether ‘should of’ (doesn’t exist) makes as much sense as ‘should have’ and if ‘then’ is needed in place of ‘than’ or vice versa?
We’ve all got a lot on our plate, and most of the time we’re pretty much rocking our jobs, kids, marriages, house-keeping, muffin top-taming, menu planning, extra-curricular registering, and everything in between. But these things are fundamentally important. Not just to me because I like to write real good, but because frankly, you should know how to use these words by now, and you look infinitely dumber when you’re trying to prove yourself on a public forum and you can barely spell.
I could give you some examples now of how to use each word and make this a good old fashioned teaching moment. But that would be too easy. So I challenge you – instead of using Google to diagnose your baby’s pinky toe rash, maybe expand those horizons and get your grammar on. Just a suggestion – and in the words of the great Matthew McConaughey, you’d be a lot cooler if you did.