So before I get into last night’s episode, let me say off the top that I am devastated by Josh and Andi’s breakup. WTF. Who knows if cheating allegations on either side are true but I really had high hopes for these two. The only logical reason for the break-up has to be her DIY dress disaster from the red carpet. Otherwise, what? Just what?
One more thing – if last night’s pick of Ashley for a rose doesn’t confirm that producers have a solid say in who gets roses each episode, then what the hell does? There is NO WAY Chris would have given Ashley a rose unless he was coerced (or unless it was my son’s favourite unfunny joke – opposite day). That girl is crazy. And not in a single-white-female-Michelle-from- Jake’s-season-kinda way, or a I’m-just-going-to- furiously-stir- my-yogurt-so-it-doesn’t-expire-before-my-ovaries-do-Melissa-from-Brad’s-season-kinda-way. I’m talking straight up, bat-shit crazy. I demand a recount.
Okay. Let’s move on.
So the episode starts right where we left off – wondering if Kimberley’s heartfelt plea to stay would work on Chris. For some reason, the entire group of girls were told to sit on the floor in their heels and dresses while they waited with baited breath for the verdict and shot scathing looks Kimberley’s way – cuz you know, having the courage to stand up for yourself and put yourself out there automatically makes you some sort of evil biatch. Kimberley’s plea was humble, sincere and to the point and while I would normally prefer the discarded girls to behave themselves and just go, I felt like she did the right thing here. The longer the girls were told to wait, the more their speech became slurred and their squeals high-pitched. Finally, when Chris came in with the big news that she gets to stay, they mustered together a chorus of the fakest ‘yays’ I have ever heard, in addition to a poor use of a slow clap. Do not mess with the slow clap. Walk away from the slow clap.
The next morning when the girls are all settled and the pounds of premiere makeup exfoliated from their faces have left them raw and blotchy, Chris Harrison reveals that El Bachelore can be found mere yards away at the somehow never before revealed guest house! What? Just over yonder, you say? How is it that no bachelor has gone here before? Last week, before they revealed the Bachelor mansion and we saw Chris’s place, I got so excited because I thought, finally! They’ve moved the set from this god-awful eyesore that hasn’t been updated since Alex Michel dumped Trista’s ass and gotten us some design candy for a change. But nope. This little gem of a guesthouse that features Chris’s motorcycle as an ‘objet d’art’ is like ten steps from the same god-awful house and has been all along. Clearly this is an open invitation for late night bootie calls, or as Chris H mentioned, emergency baking ingredient runs. Between that and again, keeping Ashley (not over it), I’m beginning to question Farmer Chris’s judgement.
So the first group date (aka the do’s and don’ts of wearing jean shorts’) is called and it goes to Jordan (gotta love her), Jade, Tandra, Ashley I, Mackenzie, Kimberley and Tara. As soon as I saw Chris fussing over how to get his zipper ‘just so’ to reveal a bit of his bare chest (not exactly hetero-chic), I knew we were in for trouble.
Was anyone else totally confused by this date? First – random pool party in a random building and then here’s a thought – let’s stay in our wet bikinis and straddle the slowest tractors ever in the middle of the downtown core! And while we’re at it, let’s interview the girls in the middle of the street right next to the randomly placed bale of hay! I know Chris was looking for the girls to show a little bit of their country side, and making them straddle tractors sure will – I’m just not sure which spelling of ‘country’ you’ll end up getting.
In the meantime, back at the house Megan and a thong-clad Jillian are conducting the first-ever Bachelor B&E. Megan smashes her head against as many hard surfaces as she can as if brain cells grow on trees and then the two run away squealing and promising to break in again every single day. Forever.
I’ve spent too much time on this group date already, but in summary, it was weird. Ashley’s one on one time on the tractor and then her return to the group were so awkward (only made more awkward by her use of the word ‘gypped’) and then as soon as they thought they had him back to the group he chooses to take Mackenzie for a one-on-one, leaving the girls to sadly convince themselves that he was just picking her to make her feel comfortable. Sure he did.
I can’t decide if I like Mackenzie or not. Between her nose fetish, possible belief in aliens, downright obsession with Ashley’s virginity and blatant oversharing of her one-on-one details to the other girls (is she that clueless???), I can’t decide if she’s quirky in a lovable way, or is just annoying. Thoughts?
I’m going to gloss over some of the other shining moments of last night, like Juelia’s heartfelt sharing of her husband’s suicide (bawled) and even Megan’s one-on-one date (pretty damn gorgeous, and pretty cute connection – even though she may be dumb as nails – like to the point where she didn’t realize she had been chosen for a date –good thing there was someone there to read the card to her). Because we have more important fish to fry. Like Jordan. And Ashley. And why the fuck anyone would take a bunch of women on a date that is likely to leave them with soiled underwear (and not the good kind).
Oh, Jordan. My favourite part of the episode was when you were twerking upside down as Megan frantically pointed out a used Chapstick. No wait – it was when you went off on a tangent about Jillian’s buff (but alarmingly hairy) rear. No wait – it was when you admitted that you were a stalker. No wait- it was when you literally couldn’t string a sentence together to converse or make out with Chris, even when you got your big chance (never seen anyone lean further away from someone than Chris did with her). No wait, it was everything. Every damn thing.
The only thing scarier (and funnier) than Jordan drunk was the Zombie Paintball extravaganza that was the next group date. If I were on that date, you literally would have found me clicking my heels together in a corner furiously whispering ‘there’s no place like home’ through my tears for pretty much the whole thing. The date certainly did cover off the spectrum of emotions. On the one hand there’s Amber, having a complete breakdown (as I would be) and on the other hand there’s Ashley, who looks up at the zombies and is all like ‘Daddy? Is that you?’ And that’s just inside the limo!
I don’t think I took any notes at all during the date because I was absolutely glued to the Ashley situation. What is there even to say? We all saw it. We all felt the eerie presence of her shattered mental state. We all googled Mesa Verdé (Vergé?) to see if it was some sort of Scientology higher plane that only like the most senior scientologists like Tom Cruise could even hope to achieve (sidebar, the closest thing I could find was Mesa Verde, a national park in Colorado – WTF?). My only explanation for why he kept her this week is simply so they can keep tabs on her and she doesn’t go full blown psycho stalker while they’re still filming. I would love to see a spinoff of the Bachelor called ‘The Driveway’ where they just show us all the moments the crew has to discuss how to deal with as they stand on the end of the driveway.
Britt and Chris’s moment was like a ray of sunshine against a dark, terrifying cloud. The reverse gifting? That’s a Bachelor first for sure! And though I would have been happy if he’d given her the rose, gotta give some love to Kaitlyn, even though she did play the old oot and aboot Canadian card. Uch. We DON’T TALK LIKE THAT. Stop feeding the stereotypes!
The next night at cocktails, the girls are once again in fine form. Well, all the girls except Treena, who started out like a Southern belle on night one and is looking more and more like an alcoholic 50’s housewife who’s secretly sipping her husband’s martini while she waits for him to get home every time the camera is one her.
Whitney’s whiskey toast was cute, but apparently, Chris thought diddling Ashley I’s belly button right before she engulfed his face in her terrorizing lips was more memorable. I haven’t returned to solid foods yet since witnessing that.
The most shocking part of the rose ceremony was of course when Ashley got the rose (nope, not over it yet, might never be), but it was surprising that Jillian doesn’t have a better sense of balance, what with being a perfect human specimen and all.
I’m shocked that Tandra is already done – I thought she was cool and now we’ll never know L At least she had the sense to hold it together unlink Jordan and Tara who left in utter shambles.
Next week, Jimmy Kimmel surprises Chris, so basically nuf said.