Fine. So I’m a lying liar. I said last season that if Chris was chosen as The Bachelor this time around that I was pulling the shoot. Not interested. Dead to me. Moving on with my life. Done.
Fast forward a few months, and lo and behold, here I am, eating my words and blogging about him. At this point, I think we can all agree that who is chosen as the actual bachelor or bachelorette is basically irrelevant, as it’s the boatloads of crazy that anchor to the mansion that we’re all tuning in for, right? Are there like 47,000 better choices for the Bachelor than Chris? Um, Obv (here’s looking at you, Brooks!) But I get it. Despite the fact that I personally (along with basically everyone I know) am zero per cent excited that Farmer Chris is the new Bachelor, there are a whole bunch of Americans watching, covering a TON of ground south of the border, that come from small towns, and think farming is the new black and I guess that majority ruled this time around. It certainly explains the mass popularity of country music and who knows, maybe all of us city girls are missing something. There may be something to be said for a man who learned how to get to second base for the first time on a cow.
So as per above, I’ve committed to blogging this season. But wait – ‘What’s this?’, she says while examining her PVR? Exsqueeze me? THREE HOURS? A Red Carpet? Who the fuck do these people think they are? Do I really need to see Catherine and the newly manorexic Sean talk to us about their New Year’s Eve in sweatpants? Do I really need to in any way be exposed to Chris Bukowski ever again? There must be a vaccination for that. Do I really need to watch Princess Erica and Psycho Michelle sip champagne (you sure you’re allowed to mix that with your meds?) and make duck face after duck face as they OD on selfies in the background? Do I really need to see Marcus and Lacey (better as a blonde) reveal that they’re a bit ‘80/40’ on the wedding plans (huh???) Do I really need to see Andi and Josh (actually, yes I do – even if her dress was a fail IMHO – adorable). Do I really need to see Chris Harrison corner Nicki and finally have the opportunity to ask her the same questions over and over again, hammering home just how miserable and unimportant she was in Juan Pablo’s world? Well, sorta. Yes I do. But that’s not the point. Three hours is Just. Too. Much. I have a life, you know. I happen to be balls deep in binge-watching Parenthood at the moment (if you haven’t watched it, for the love of God, do it. Do it now).
So of course, no season kickoff is complete without the montage of the Bachelor in his daily life, riddled with love-related metaphors. The notion that being a farmer is the same as falling in love is just low hanging fruit. You plant a seed, hope it grows, watch it bloom, conduct damage control during bad weather, yada yada yada. That shit practically writes itself. All I could think of during every scene though, whether it was Chris shovelling grain, getting a hummer from Cody, caressing the fuzz on an edamame, or sitting against an abandoned building (whoops, I mean local hotspot), was that there is no way 96% of these girls are going to go for this life. And that’s before we even got to see any of them!
I do applaud him for throwing himself into the process, despite his extreme discomfort with it. And we actually seem to have a lot in common. If I had a dollar for every time I was in a store in Cali being professionally dressed by a team of stylists, but secretly thinking ‘I’d rather be harvesting corn’, well, I’d be rich.
So let’s meet the ladies, shall we?
Of course the major standout right away is Britt. With a floral backpack and a dream that girl has come into our world, and frankly, turned it upside down. Was I the only one who legit teared up when she talked about what her ‘free hug’ card signified during their one on one time and being a safe haven for her man? Full on lump in throat. Just saying.
Her positive energy starkly contrasted with Jillian, the news producer/gymnast/ball crusher. I see a lot of ‘I’m not here to make friends’ in her future. And P.S. No one cares about your biceps (except you, maybe?).
Amanda – the ballet instructor. Well from the nose up, looks like your Barbie transformation surgeries to-date have gone well. Your secret admirer tactic was almost cute, except for the fact that it wasn’t, and here are a couple of secrets for you; 1) You might be just a tad bit crazy and 2) A girl who can’t even leave her mommy because she fears cooking, cleaning, and generally taking of herself well into her 20’s does not a farmer’s wife make. Do you think those preserves are just going to can themselves? Do you think those little piggies are just going to start sweeping their own troughs? Great potential match, producers. I think it’s time you pointe yourself right back to where you came from (see how I did that? I know).
Amanda’s lack of a fit in Chris’ life is only overshadowed by Megan’s – you know – the makeup artist who admits that she’s a few screws loose right from the get go? I’m sure you’ll be able to maintain your aesthetic career in Iowa. No problem. Yet somehow, Blondie got herself a rose.
Whitney – what can I say? Everyone loves a fertility nurse. And you seem like a great potential fit for Chris. It could be the accent. It could be the desperate attempt to find the connection between your career and Chris’s life (I didn’t know insemination was a popular topic for first dates), but you’ll do. Let’s see where this goes.
Mackenzie – your son is friggin’ adorable. And the fact that his name is spelled like the vegetable and not the way you typically spell the name Cale, coupled with the fact that clearly you like to keep things natural (you know they have organic hair product, right?), leads me to believe you could make it till at least episode four and rock the farm life. But really? Alfalfa? The sprout? Like in a sandwich? Really? Nothing? The intelligence of that conversation could only be outdone by the debate about the colour of life jackets that took place later on that evening.
I need to know – did the producers create Alyssa’s whole intro bit on the plane where she talks about ‘no smoking on the plane unless you’re smoking hot’ among other things, and hands out roses to dumbfounded (aka child-molesting librarian-looking) passengers? Or did she come up with that all by herself?
Kelsey – what’s not to like? You’re a classic-looking beauty, and a strong survivor. I can’t imagine having my life turned upside down the way you did when your husband passed away so I’m gonna go ahead and leave you alone for now. Just don’t get too Sharleen Joynt on us.
Tara. Dear, sweet Tara. If you hadn’t had to pull your shorts out of your vaj when you exited the limo the first time, I would have given you an A+ for that intro, girl. Nicely played for sure. And going back for the second intro – bonus points for creativity. You sure did show Chris that you can go country and pretty all at the same time. I’m curious though about which farm you live on that would choose to brand you on the back in the shape of a racerback tank. Poor thing.
Despite the fact that Tara went way, way downhill fast last night, I wholeheartedly support Chris’s decision to keep her. They did connect early on, and let’s be honest, if any of these girls are a fit for him, she might be at least in the top eight, right?
Kaitlyn. Clearly I love her. Even though she totally stole my line about having her field ploughed by Chris, of course I have a soft spot in my heart for a girl who drops the F bomb the minute she meets the guy. I wish she would have stopped there instead of resorting to teaching him the six step. But seriously, I hope she sticks around if for no other reason than comic relief.
One person who sure didn’t get Kaitlyn’s sense of humour was Treena – AKA Judgy McJudgersteen. Is it so wrong to make a dirty joke to lighten the mood? And what’s with all the drama around a second limo arriving? You knew it was coming. You spelled it out for poor slurring Tara who has clearly never seen an episode of this show and it’s really no different than entering the house and then watching other girls arrive – just a bit delayed. Hiding behind that window judging their entries like it’s a pageant? Please. Somebody has a bit of a corn cob stuck up her ass, no? It’s not like Chris Harrison was planning on amousing Chris’s bouche with just 15 girls, right? Of course he’s going to bring the whole buffet! Clearly that’s the kind of eatin’ they’re used to back in Iowa judging from the family representatives (who clearly took advantage of the two for one necklace sale on their family road trip to the nearest JC Penney for their premiere outfits) in the audience.
When Ashley first arrived on scene, I actually though she was legally blind or something, the way she looked around trying to find Chris. Then I realized that not only is she clearly the crazy one this season, not to mention all kinds of a bad drunk, but she’s got 100% dead eyes. Shiver. Personally I wouldn’t break the ice during my one on one time with ‘are you dying inside’, before demolishing the inside of my cheek while suppressing an anxiety attack, but I guess we’ve all got our moves, right?
Let’s see now, other notable entries?
Well, there’s Reegan, the donated tissue specialist who thought bringing Chris a cooler full of menstrual blood would seal the deal (spoiler alert – it didn’t).
There’s Tandra, the chick who rode in on the motorcycle who I think will actually be pretty normal.
There’s Brittany, the WWE Diva-in-training who wore a torn doily for her first impression and seemed to think it was okay despite the fact that her poon was actually blurred out while she sat on the steps with Chris before being KO’d by Ashley.
There’s Bo, who I could certainly see driving a tractor, but not so much see stealing Chris’s heart.
There’s Carly, the cruise-ship singer who showed up straight from the Sadie Hawkins dance to meet the man of her dreams. How has she not been thrown overboard yet?
There’s Jade, the cosmetics developer whose dress looked like her pantyhose and be-dazzler got in a fight, but actually seemed kinda cute.
And oh yeah, the girl who oinked. So hot.
Most notable departures go to Kimberly who still hasn’t left as far as we know and Kara, who had some sort of weird eye spasm.
Roses went to: Katelyn, Jade, Samantha, Tandra, Nicki, Kelsey, Megan, Alyssa, Tara (who almost didn’t make it through the ceremony), Amber, Julia, Becca, Treena, Tracie (cutie patootie), Jordan, Jillian, Whitney, and Ashley (AKA producer’s pick). I may have just randomly added in names. There were also some other girls picked who I don’t remember ever coming out of limos, but judging by the promo reel, they make quite the statement (I’m talking about you Ashley I, who literally made me almost puke watching you kiss Chris and pretty sure I saw your full nipple).
It looks like this season will be fraught with…well, things it will be fraught with, and again, despite the fact that I didn’t really care how it goes initially, at this point, I’m sort of excited. It’s good to be back, bitches!