I had high hopes for last night’s The Women Tell All episode. Usually the skeletons come out of the closet, emotions are at an all-time high, and watching Bachelors fumble through their explanations that ultimately mean “I just wasn’t that into you’ is nothing short of entertaining.
Right off the bat, it was nice to see some solid complexional (so what if I made that word up) variety on the panel amidst the sea of burgundy (I know, right?) dresses – and I’m not even referring to the ethnicities. Usually, this episode on the American seasons means 50 shades of orange, as if the contestants have to actually pass through the tanning machine in order to get in front of the live studio audience, but this time around, colours, colours everywhere!
It wouldn’t be fair to ignore the best looking person on stage last night, would it? I have to say – Tyler, you were looking positively dapper. Maybe it’s all the time you cleared in your calendar for the production of the show that you actually ended up having to yourself to rest, or maybe it’s just that my standards on what constitutes a good looking human being have dwindled rapidly since episode one, but not too shabby, Tyler. Not too shabby.
We began The Women Tell All with a quick stroll down memory lane, consisting mainly of footage shared between Kaylynn and Lisa, with some odd never-before-seen candor to spice things up.
Then we moved into the fist-pumping portion, where we applauded April Borgnetta for being exactly who she is and revelled in Sonia’s belief that the right guy is out there and one day, he’ll find her, sitting on a bench, just rockin’ 42 waiting for him.
Even though the episode had a ‘live’ vibe, I still felt like there was a lot of editing, so that just as things were getting juicy or may have required further explanation, Tyler seemed satisfied with the info given and moved on. I was all like ‘but wait, why is Rileigh jealous and ‘right pissed’ at the other girls? And did Tim really breeze through his answers to Dominique, Lisa and Sachelle without breaking a sweat?’ Dammit I need to now! Maybe Tyler was done with Tim, but I certainly wasn’t. It could just be the curse of the one-hour time slot rearing its ugly head, or in true Canadian fashion, they could have just wrapped it all up in a nice little bow so we could move on with our lives.
So what mattered last night? Well, there was Kaylynn, deeply embarrassed about her emotional montage and deeply delusional about the fact that she’s normally emotionally stable and shouldn’t carry Kleenex with her at all times.
Then there’s Natalie – the last one I expected to get attacked in the hot seat, and who is becoming a little less ‘children, today we’re going to make a papier mâché sailboat’, and a little more ‘I’ll kill you while you sleep’ with each passing day. Maybe she would have been more comfortable back-pedalling every sentence she uttered in French, but désolé Natalie, you’re not foolin’ anyone. You couldn’t stir up drama if it were in a bowl with a cup of flour and an egg. I appreciate your insistence that you were trying to be ‘your best self’ on the show, but save it for your daily affirmation.
And of course, there’s Lisa, who you could tell was a bundle of nerves bobbing her head and shaking her foot waiting to be called up to the couch.
It was pretty humorous watching her try to defend her actions and general existence when everyone in the room wasn’t buying it. Even funnier was her ‘not remembering’ what happened with the dude in Italy that night or trying to make us believe her heart really bled for Natalie and that’s what prompted her to run into Natalie’s open arms mere minutes after openly mocking her. You know Sachelle was telling the truth about Lisa making out with that guy, because listening to her talk about making out ‘so hard’ with someone just sounded so out of place. No way Sachelle could have uttered those words on her own. Good on Lisa for blaming the alcohol, though. Can’t say we haven’t all done that at least once before, right?
Tim comes out and within a minute, he has apologized to Sachelle and Kaylynn, admitted his fatal flaw with Dominique, forgiven Lisa and is gone again. Wait, what?
Next week, well, I’m praying – PRAYING – that Tim will not embarrass himself or anyone involved in the show by actually proposing to either April or Trisha. Though Trisha has grown on me slightly (process of elimination?), like the scent of her gas problem revealed in the blooper reel has likely grown on the furniture she frequents, she is nowhere near ready to get engage to Tim and neither is April. You wanna buy a ring and make a sweeping gesture by holding onto it as you reveal to your chosen one that you’re not ready, go right ahead. I totally understand wanting to bank the diamond for future use. But please do not try to convince us or yourself that the points you’ve reached in your relationships with these two women are anywhere near matrimony-ready. Cuz they aren’t. For real. Ask her for a sleepover. Ask her to go for sushi. Ask her to stop wearing burgundy. Just for the love of god, don’t put a ring on it.