Guys, here’s the thing. Tim is frustrated. And so am I. I feel you, buddy. I feel the rush-rush you’re feeling, trying to establish a lifelong bond with a bunch of gals decked out in Bachelor bootie shorts for a mandatory session of fun in the sand. I feel you paying the price for that one moment where you decided, with reckless abandon, to share a candid moment with a girl you might actually dig in the ocean, only to feel 14 (or is it 20? Like I said last week, not a math person) sets of eyes burning into you with jealous rage, while the soundtrack of warm breezes and hyperventilating emotional breakdowns serenade you in the background. And it’s not even like you pulled a Juan Pablo and penetrated!
It’s not your fault, Timster. Like I said, I’m feeling it too. As much as you want to get to know these girls (or as much as you hope your role on this show will catapult you into entertainment reporter stardom – take your pick), that’s how much I want to get to know you. Because episode three is down the hatch, and sure, I can conclude that you look hot in sunglasses, you habla Español, and that your favourite way to end a date or release awkwardness is pressing your forehead into the shoulder or neck of a girl and close your eyes for a moment to ‘take it all in’, but do I really know you, Tim? Do I???
I get it. It’s hard to pack it all into a one hour show, when Bachelor fans like me are used to the long two hours that give us enough time to a) hate certain girls fiercely or alternately, pick favourites, b) develop unreasonable crushes on the Bachelor or c) actually give a shit either way. This one hour deal is tough. Poor Tyler Harcott hasn’t been seen in weeks! I can just see him standing on the tarmac, already wearing his scuba mask and Hawaiian shirt all like ‘What do you mean I don’t get to go to Cabo? But Chris Harrison gets to go to Cabo!’ Maybe time just seems to be flying by because we have to keep stopping any progression of relationships while we wait for one of the girls (okay, one girl) to stop throwing a hissyfit. Could that be it? If so, it’s an easy fix! Later Kay-dogg!
So let’s see what we got through this week. Maybe by the time I’m finished writing this, I’ll feel more connected.
I’m sort of surprised the first one-on-one went to Fire and Ice Barbie (AKA Lisa). I thought Sachelle would have been the logical next choice, but I guess Tim was just as curious if she could have a conversation without letting out some sort of manly grunt as I was.
You know who else was surprised about it? Natalie. You know how I know? Because she called Lisa ‘sassy’. You know what else? In Natalie’s world, if you say a word like ‘sassy’, you may just need to put a quarter in a jar. For real.
I don’t know what I would be more afraid of if I were Lisa. Having to reach into the depths of my soul for some personality now that I can no longer hide behind a group of girls, or her skin, out in the sun for an entire day. Turns out neither of those things are scarier than what she rightfully called ‘the death swing’. Gee. That looked fun.
I think my favourite part of their moment in the swing is during Tim’s post-swing interview when he says “I wanted to do something to comfort her…” and then never finishes his sentence (classic Tim). But what? But then you shit your pants?
There were moments on their date, especially at dinner, when I sort of bought their interest in each other. And with straight hair, I’ll admit, Lisa does look a lot nicer and sweeter, but still – this is the part of oh, I don’t know, every season ever in the history of this show, where the Bachelor starts to fall for the wrong girl, who all the other girls hate, who makes it till close to the end, till the bachelor realizes, ‘wait a second, I can’t take this girl home. My mother/sister/gal pal since childhood who I’m secretly in love with will hate her.’ And off she goes, back to her cat before making it to hometowns.
Back at the house, Kaylynn is feeling things. This time, she’s angry because apparently Martha was trying to make Kaylynn’s breakdown all about Martha. Um…actually, Martha was trying to save you from yourself, something we now know is just not possible.
I think Kaylynn’s pretty much exhausted my sympathy resource at this point. Really, I just want her to go. I’m sick of her face, I’m sick of the airtime she gets that’s preventing me from getting to know cool chicks like Jenny and I’m especially sick of her need to constantly be top of mind for Tim, whether it’s good or bad. When she went to visit his suite after realizing she wasn’t going on a group date this week, I was even more confused. She spent her whole morning blaming Martha for ‘bullying’ her, then turned around and apologized to Tim for her behaviour, citing herself as the sole reason for losing it and promising to be eternally happy forever more. Cuz that’s happening.
The next day’s group date takes Martha, Sachelle, Jenny and April Burlesque on a traditional Mexican dancing adventure. Martha thought her Mexican heritage would nab her the coveted dinner date with Tim. If only she had known that sucking and being awkward would have been the clincher, she could have saved herself some time memorizing the steps. After a brief rehearsal, the gang entered a town square and I swear I thought there was going to be some sort of Cartel infiltration the way the music changed so abruptly from fun and flirty to foreboding. They (sort of) pulled off the routine, despite Tim looking like a lost Matador and once they were finished they received the polite applause (and confusing stares) of the eight people that stuck around to watch.
It’s no surprise that Tim chose Sachelle to have the one on one, as you could tell from night one that they had something going on. I feel like Tim is way too much man for Sachelle and she wouldn’t know what to do with him once things got a bit more intimate, but I also think she’s sweet and cute, so good on him for opening himself up to her. They shared a kiss (which we got an extreme close-up of) and the date ended (of course) with him resting his head on her shoulder.
Next up – the group date that never was. Dominique, Natalie and April donned blue bathing suits, while Rileigh, Trisha and Christine sported pink and yellow numbers which Throwback Thursdayed me to my brief stint on my high school swim team.
No matter – because despite their practicing and even coming up with ‘cheers’ (see blooper reel at the end if you dare), Tim stabbed all six girls in the heart by announcing that their six on one time just got increased to everyone on one, and the big plan for the day was to hang out and take turns making connections with Tim and then immediately questioning those connections while he talks to other girls. Awesome.
I do have to hand it to him. He’s trying, right? He seems as upset by the pressure of the ticking clock as these girls must feel about their biological clocks.
The rest of the day is filled with memories. Thanks to Lisa, ‘Bat Shit Cray’ can now be found on Urbandicitonary.com (not really – I checked – but its cousin who tries less hard, ‘Bat-shit crazy’ can). And we got to witness Natalie’s attempt at being badass by sidling up to Tim and matter-of-factly stating, “You know, I have a Camaro” with a knowing glance. We also learn that Dominique, who is currently a 28 year old receptionist in IT according to her bio, dreams of going into social work and then abruptly quitting her job to be a stay at home mom. Given how long it takes to get a degree in social work, actually work in it and then quit it tells me this girl should spend more time hitting the books and less time hitting the slopes if she wants to see all her dreams come true. Just sayin’.
Rileigh and Tim spend their one on one time basking in the memory of doing shots, until Tim notices April off in the distance and Hasselhoffs it over to her to make sure all is okay. Like I said earlier, I did dig the moment they shared in the ocean, because he was just enjoying himself and trying not to stress about the process for once, but man did he pay for that with stink eye from the rest of the ladies.
If watching April’s legs wrapped around Tim in the ocean wasn’t bad enough, the girls then have to contend with the confirmation that four, not two of them will be heading home early – and the panic sets in.
By the time the rose ceremony hits, everyone is on the verge of a meltdown. April Borgnetta should have been sent home immediately for her orange taffeta bridesmaids’ dress but Tim was kind enough to give her the boot at the end of the actual ceremony, along with Martha (shame), Jenny (we never had a chance) and Christine (bye).
So roses go to Kaylynn (really?), Trisha, Sachelle, Natalie, Dominique, Rileigh and of course, Lisa, who for someone who hates criers, couldn’t seem to turn off the water works when her bestie Jenny left.
Up next week – swimming with sharks, and Lisa’s official status as mean girl. Keep it together, Timbo. We’re here for you.