And they all lived happily ever after.
It would be so easy for me to stop there, wouldn’t it? Because I could. Really I could.
Let’s just bask in the glory for a second, and pat ourselves on the back for bearing witness to a season that was and is, all that this series should be. It’s no secret that I’ve been slowly losing faith in this franchise for a while now. Teetering on the edge of saying ‘to hell with it!’ and ceremoniously shutting down my laptop (only to reopen it a few minutes later because, well, it’s my life, but for dramatic purposes, I would need to close it at that moment.)
But then, along came Andi. And Josh. Andi and Josh. Josh and Andi. Together forever. And like, ever. AEAEAEAEAE.
Do you even need a blog from me right now? I mean, what can I possibly say that wasn’t felt deep within the core of every single one of us Monday night?
Was every minute of the finale perfect? No. Were there moments where Andi’s dad had an awkward camel toe, or Andi failed to rock yet another shapeless long dress that did her boobs no favours? Yes. Did she wear the same white pants on both final dates? Pretty sure. But I honestly don’t even have it in my heart to delve deep and criticize. I just want to be happy for them.
Don’t get me wrong, I have (had) nothing against Nick. Even with all the haters all season long, I truly stuck by him, standing firm on the fact that the other guys only villainized him because they were jealous and not because he was a bad guy. It’s not like Nick was batshit crazy like Tierra from Sean’s season, or a skanky whore like Courtney from Ben’s season, or a manipulative douchebag like Bentley from Ashley’s season. He was just a guy with adorable style, a voice constantly in the state of swallowing a mound of phlegm, an amazing kisser and some serious passion for our girl.
It just became apparent to me over the last couple of episodes (in the same way it became apparent to Andi maybe?) that Nick just didn’t have it all. And I’m sorry – but Josh does. Nothing went wrong on Nick’s date meeting the fam (I’m sure the scotch helped – what Jewish man doesn’t love a good single malt?). Of course, I cried right along with his mom when she and Nick chatted away, and I exhaled a sigh of relief right along with him when Andi’s dad gave him his blessing, but still, something was…missing.
And what was missing…was Josh! That smile, the crinkle of joy in his eyes, that masculinity, that confidence, that Southern swag, that ease between them. As soon as he arrived and she called him ‘Babe’, I think we all knew it was over right there, no? There is just something so natural between them. Clearly her father felt it too because he was just handing blessings out all over the place!
I guess I was in a pretty celebratory mood Monday night, because around the time Nick had his final date with Andi was around the time I decided to accidentally get drunk on a massive glass of wine (you know the kind you pour ‘cuz it’s the last glass in the bottle’ but really it’s two glasses?) and then get so overheated from my laptop that I had to remove my pants to continue watching. I know. Hot. Me, drunk on a couch pants-less, scalding hot laptop burning into my thighs while I slur and cry my way through the finale.
I think the wine set in right about the time when Andi was having her last date with Nick. I almost felt like they purposely used less music on their date to heighten the awkwardness of the moments between the two of them (not to mention that fact that if she were to choose a life with him, he basically spelled out that he would be stalking her night and day – first I’ll watch you sleep, then I’ll text you 46 times, then I’ll wait at your work until you are hungry…). They focused so much on his confidence, self-assurance, and her confusing statement to him that it was all going to work out, that it was pretty much a dead giveaway that he was next to go. His gift to her was cute, though I have a feeling the sand vial was purchased at a recent jewelry party and not actually collected from the beach they visited. Call me a cynic.
On the contrary, Josh’s last date with Andi was basically perfection (see a theme here?). I think my favourite part of the date was at night in her suite when they were just talking through their feelings. He was being almost objectively supportive and saying all the things she needed to hear to help her through her doubts, without necessarily promoting himself in doing so. It was just a nice conversation between friends and I think that’s part of the reason they work so well. That and they laugh. A lot. Bonus points for the baseball card (not because it’s a cheesy romantic gesture, but because it’s funny). And I’m all about the funny. For some reason, throughout their whole date, I just had this image of Andi in the delivery room and Josh being the most adorably supportive husband ever as they welcome their Bachelor baby to the world. I don’t know why but I could just envision it perfectly. Adorable.
I felt like the whole episode came together so quickly. Before we knew it, Andi was emerging from her suite all negligee’d and cardigan’ed up with not a doubt in her mind of who she was choosing (her speech actually gave me goose bumps), while Josh and Nick took turns looking ridiculously hot as the sun glowed on their bare chests in the early morning balcony light.
And if the sun wasn’t shining brightly enough, the diamonds brought in by Neil Lane in his predictably perfect crisp black suit and white dress shirt gave off enough sparkle to overwhelm even Tierra. Holy Jesus.
I think we all audibly gasped when Nick got a knock on his door and we were all expecting Neil Lane. The tension was palpable even in my family room with just, well, me (my husband gave up watching this shit with me about three seasons ago). I think as far as the season goes, it was probably Andi’s most inarticulate moment so far, but honestly what can you expect? The guy is heartbroken and there’s nothing Andi can say to make it better. You can see him trembling and exhaling the whole time she’s there and the goodbye was brutal. Nick was visibly stunned as he packed up his pretend tiny suitcase, tossed the rose petals, and drove towards the airport. My heart just broke for him.
Even back in the studio audience, it was just total shock and devastation and a state of mass pout. Clare, as usual, delivered incoherent observations and did her usual series of jaw exercises while giving a dig at Juan Pablo (get over it).
Michelle Money had to have her moment in the spotlight and do everything but plant herself on Farmer Chris and force him to plant his seed inside her. Isn’t she ashamed of herself at this point? I hope they’re paying her a ton for basically selling her soul to the Bachelor.
The whole ‘who is the next bachelor thing’ was just annoying, no? Apparently, Farmer Chris and kisser extraordinaire Arie Luyendyk are both vying for the spot. And as much as I love the way Chris (and any man) automatically buttons their jacket when they stand up, much like any woman adjusts her shirt to make sure her rolls and muffin top are well concealed at all times, or can’t walk by a mirror without doing a quick check, I’m sorry, but I’m still not into it. All signs are pointing to Chris getting the rose power next season and I can only imagine what the pack of women who are actually willing to be a farmer’s wife will look like riding into LA on their horses in their hunting best to get settled at the Bachelor Mansion. Please let it be Arie. Just please.
I was practically bouncing out of my chair when it was time for the final rose ceremony and I think it’s really important to acknowledge that this is probably the first finale that I was actually excited for and not dreading, in I can’t even remember how long. Dez’s season was disastrous, I still think Sean and Catherine are icky, and there’s no need to say anything about Juan Pablo and Nicki (other than it was the worst season ever). So for us, the fans, to wholeheartedly and collectively believe in a couple again, like we did with Trista and Ryan – it’s nothing short of a miracle!
Sure, we absolutely OD’d on cheese (and southern accents) with the whole scene and it turned a bit too ‘last three minutes of a Saved by the Bell episode’ for me at points and yes, Josh’s urgent exclamations of love once Andi chose him reminded me of Cuba Gooding Jr.’s character Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire, whose love for his wife Marcie was often proclaimed in what appeared to be humping sounds. But at the end of the day, Josh’s speech to Andi was perfect. ‘I realized I wasn’t alone anymore?’ ‘It was no longer me, it was us?’ Are you kidding me? I cried through the whole thing and I held my breath as we wound down the season and went into After the Final Rose.
Sigh…Nick. My heart absolutely broke for him. I mean they got his mom involved, guys! Seeing him do his interview with Chris on stage and watching him literally shake and fight back tears when he mentioned Josh’s name was just too much. And once Andi came out to chat with him, it just got worse. She did do a good job of explaining herself and even managed to downplay the fact that he called her out for sleeping with him in the fantasy suite – not an easy feat! Overall, I think Chris tried his best to get Nick through it and he was almost doing a great job until he had to mention ‘coming up next, we’ll catch up with Andi and her fiancée, Josh!’ Really, Chris? You couldn’t have waited till Nick was off stage before dropping the F bomb? Awkward much?
Let’s just remember for a second, how unbearably brutal Juan Pablo and Nicki’s reunion (if you could call it that) was on the last finale we all witnessed.) so we can fully appreciate Josh and Andi’s apparent exuberance over being able to sit next to each other in public and reveal their love to the world. I can just picture Nicki sitting at home alone, watching the finale (if Juan Pablo allowed her to) and wondering why she didn’t get the same enthusiasm from JP. Because he’s a sociopath, maybe?
It’s actually adorable that Andi and Josh literally live five minutes away from each other and have been sneaking off to see each other all this time to ‘practice getting pregnant’. Other than wrapping up the season with the placement of a cat on Andi’s lap (I would have freaked), what more is there to say at this point besides congratu-fucking-lations, Andi and Josh.
I thought I’d have more of a break between seasons to recover, and chastise myself for missing ‘the frown’ and god knows what else all season – Bad blogger, bad, bad. Blogger – but looks like Bachelor in Paradise starts next week – and thanks to seeing the same preview 46 times, I think we all know what to expect.
So will I blog about the next season of The Bachelor? Who knows – it really depends on who he is, guys. But you can bet your ass I will not be missing one moment in paradise!
Till next week, kittens!