Well, here we are again. You know, I’ve been thinking about this whole (highly over-rated) ‘blog once a week’ thing and you know what? Is it really sooooo bad for me to recap two episodes at once? I’ve done it at least three times this season and you guys seem to be fine. There are a lot of good things that come in twos, right? There’s shoes. Those come in twos and those are awesome. There’s Twix. Highly delicious. Unequivocally a powerful pair of chocolaty coated sticks. What else…two sides to a story, two peas in a pod, two fingers…oh and this. 100 phrases with only two words. I mean seriously where would we be without the phrase ‘Fish On’. Right???
So you get where I’m going with this. No two ways about it (see how I did that?). This blog post will yet again, recap not one, but two episodes. That’s two for the price of one, people!!! Who doesn’t love a BOGO?
Let’s not forget – last week’s episode marked the point where Andi almost became one of Juan Pablo’s ‘lucky’ final two before she A) regained her brain, B) took a Herpes test and C) high tailed it out of that shizznit while JP resumed picking invisible acne off Clare’s face. This is where ‘America’ fell in love with that feisty brunette Andi Dorfman forevermore.
So it’s only fair that we – Bachelor Nation (cue hanging head in shame) – would be waiting with bated breath to see just how low she would go when it’s her turn to access the fantasy suites. And she went. Oh yeah, she did.
The recap of Andi’s relationships with the final three at the beginning sufficiently reminded us of how far each respective couple has come along their journey and also sufficiently reminded me of just how awesome I am, because I do declare, I called Josh and Nick, like, so long ago. And for the record, I am totally down with both. But maybe more so Josh.
Overall, I found there to be very little to say after last week’s episode (this in part contributed to my lack of a blog last week, along with a stress level and to do list that had me crying at my desk on at least two occasions and wondering aloud if it’s still possible to have strong PMS symptoms even with my blessed Mirena barricading my hormones, while plowing my way through a Costco size bag of chocolate covered almonds with aggressive vigour.) Um, hello??? Ever heard of protein???
Andi’s overall fashion sense last week was…lacking (obV)…but by far not her worst offenses of the season. Was her side flip into braid at the beginning ridic? Yes. Did it remind me of how my mother used to beg me to wear my hair as an angry tween (I can still feel her fingers sweeping it to the side while I’m distracted with an episode of Party of Five). Was the peach tablecloth she adorned for her ‘emotional struggle on the balcony’ scene vile? Don’t make me answer that. But I have to say – she’s still the only bachelorette who when just hanging around, actually looks how she probably looks at home. Messy ponytail with flyaways, leggings and a basic tank. Good for her.
So like, her first date with like, Nick, was like totally, adorable and utterly, like, predictable. We totally like, knew they would be like happy to see each other and we were totally, like, right.
I actually think they could have filmed each episode this season in an hour and a half but they had to keep the second half hour just to accommodate all of Nick’s ‘likes’. Have you ever?
So Andi gets to take Nick on his vewy fiwst helicopter ride and from that point on, we pretty much watch them say things without words in turquoise swimwear, say things without words on towels, say things without words at tables and oh yeah, make out. A lot. When Nick finally got around to telling Andi he loves her, I will be the first to admit his speech was like, sort of, like, worth the like, wait. As were his rolled up pants and casual sneaks. His whole ‘you’re strong and confident, but vulnerable’ thing was well done and though I couldn’t bear to hear him read his fairy tale to her out loud in that perma-congested voice of his, the effort was cute. Did anyone else think he ran out of budget for illustrations half way? Or maybe just got lazy?
Of course when Andi busts out the medieval key that in no way will actually open any hotel room door in this century, it’s no surprise that the two high tail it for the fantasy suite. We didn’t even get the tour this time around, either. It was all business. Like, lights out. Don’t cum a knockin’.
And then there’s Josh. I’ll have to admit, I’ve wavered on Josh this season. He and Nick have definitely been my top two, both endearing themselves to us and frustrating us all at the same time. With Andi’s occasional doubts about Josh, came my own. Yet there’s always been something about Josh that keeps him inching a bit further beyond the pack each week. And this episode just did it for me. The guy is funny.
Yes, she has passion with Nick – like ridiculous passion – and yes, maybe he ‘gets her’, but in my books, the ability to laugh (and laugh and laugh) is priority Uno, especially in a life partner. And I just don’t think someone whose ‘quirk’ is ‘having a child-like sense of wonder’ is going to cut it down the road when you’re on baby # 2, have no control over your bodily fluids, have a toddler hanging off your leg with a newborn sharpening its gums on your boobs and people are asking you ‘when you’re due’ even though you’re pushing a friggin’ stroller with an infant in it. That shit is where the laughter comes in pretty handy. And the alcohol (pump n’ dump, people…or…whatever…don’t.)
Between his body and smile, general love of life, shooting back aphrodisiac shots, dancing like nobody’s watching, tearing up while playing baseball with a bunch of local kids, busting out the Spanish (hot much?) and being beyond attentive and affectionate with Andi, Josh pretty much hit a grand slam home run for me. I’m pretty sure the tears and the sweat weren’t the only bodily fluids exchanged on their date and I was surprised that Andi showed up for her date with Chris looking as fresh as she did – I thought for sure there’d be a ‘There’s Something About Mary’ situation going on in those locks.
Sigh. Chris. We could all see it coming. I mean, we get that he’s super sweet and legitimately an awesome, good-on-paper kinda guy, but really? Top three? No chance, Buddy.
If Farmer Chris didn’t see the writing on the wall when Andi had a full blown panic attack on a horse, then really, he has nobody but himself to blame. After tractor, that would basically be like, her primary mode of transportation!
only half-paying attention (great blogging, I know), but that just goes to show how little chemistry they have. Sure, if she had normal circumstances in which to get to know Chris, maybe they could have progressed beyond fourth date material to the point of having more of a connection, but the fact is, he’s out there playing hide and go seek while she’s busting into fantasy suites to get it on with the other two. And even if I was interested in watching them take their relationship to the next level, once I heard him say ‘Alls I can say’, followed quickly by ‘Alls I want to do’, that was pretty much dead in the water for me.
Once again though, good on Andi for totally losing it when she said goodbye to him. Obviously I bawled my eyes out for both of them when he left. I don’t think anyone can argue that she’s the ‘realest’ bachelorette in, well, Bachelorette history. I was super sad for both of them when they said goodbye, and sadder still that she chose yet another terrible flowy dress to commemorate the occasion.
We ended with an extremely awkward scene where Josh and Nick avoid eye contact while waiting for Andi and then – what a surprise – they both accept her rose. After taking her flower the nights before, it would have been poor taste not to.
As for the Men Tell All episode, I have mixed feelings about it, which could probably be lumped into three categories; Things That Only Partially Annoyed Me, Things That Annoyed Me and Things I Heart.
THINGS THAT ONLY PARTIALLY ANNOYED ME:
- Ok. I’m going to admit it. I am happy for Ashley and JP. Yes, I gave her a really, really hard time when I reviewed her season here, and yes, they are still super-annoying, but they made it, they love each other, they’re having a baby and I can totally see the teaser of them renewing their vows a la Trista and Ryan at the finale of Michelle Money’s season of The Cougar in nine years or so. Also, the fact that she has turned into somewhat of a normal looking pregnant person (aka swollen face and ass have caught up to belly), other than the ‘is she bloated or preggers’ look I expected of her helps too. A couple months to go, eh? Shame.
- The whole rehashing of the Marquel/Andrew/JJ situation. I totally get that we had to go over it, but it just went on and on in circles, no? Even after we were done with it, JJ had to bring it up after a commercial break!!! Is that even allowed? The only thing that made it even worse was that in denying his racism, Andrew accidentally mistakes Ron for Marquel, which basically highlights for us that he can’t distinguish between the two black guys on the show! Um, Ding Dong! Someone is at mouth-shaped door! It’s Andrew’s foot! Come on in, buddy! I don’t know why they didn’t just make Andrew take a lie detector test. They must have one lying around the set somewhere, no?
THINGS THAT ANNOYED ME:
- The tight leash that JP is on. We get it. Ashley’s in charge. Happy wife, happy life, yada yada yada. But could you have maybe done only a partial castration the day you decided to marry her? Like kept just one little ball? It was hard to watch at points. She reminded me of Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days when she’s over at Matthew McConaughey’s house watering their love fern (do you have any idea how hard it is to spell that last name without googling it???)
- Really Ashley? You planned on an ultrasound on camera and didn’t think ahead to a better outfit choice? Did I really need a close-up of the ripped seams of your dress on camera that had to happen in order to get the ultrasound done? So awkward. And it’s a shame too…something tells me you’re going to need that dress for the duration of the pregnancy. It was quite…roomy.
- Why do we need to spend time on Marquel and Marcus and make a ‘big announcement’ that both of them are joining the cast of Bachelor in Paradise. This is not news. This was announced weeks ago, via, oh I don’t know, every media outlet ever?
- Andi’s dress. Yet another sparkly number that I’m pretty sure had a heart shaped design surrounding her belly button. And, just in case it wasn’t sparkly enough, her shoes were too. Sigh.
THINGS I HEART:
- Chris Harrison for the win tonight, people. Like what more can we do to show him our love other than make him the next Bachelor? Dissing Juan Pablo? Wishing JP a mazel tov and hugging him when he found out he’s having a boy (bawled). I am really starting to love that man.
- Um…holy shit Bachelor in Paradise. That’s all I have to say about that. Oh and also Ew Chris Bukowski (See above bullet re: Chris Harrison for not letting Chris B join Andi on stage. That’s right, Buddy. Sit your ass back down.) Oh and also just prepping you now that I’ll be away, unplugged at the cottage over the second episode so don’t go all hatey on me when I’m not around that week. You’re being given fair warning.
- Ok. Who did it? Who sent my blog to The Bachelor producers so they could take my scarf observation from the other week and turn it into an actual attempt at humour in the beginning of the show? I’m basically famous. You guys are the best.
- Cookies. And free cookies.
- The awesome (albeit a bit weird) Canadian chick from Toronto who went after Chris with the aggression of, well, an American. I sincerely hope she isn’t referring to Toronto as the small town she’s from (if so, please move this bullet to the category of Things That Annoyed Me STAT), but good for her for going on with her bad self. And because of her, I have one more bullet for this category.
- The looks on the other audience members’ faces when they realized that they should have had the forethought to try to get a speed date on the show. Jealous much?
So final thoughts, guys. I’m thinking Josh takes it. The way Andi hemmed and hawed over whether to look at the lie detector results? She’s already made her choice so the fact that she gave it so much thought and then decided to ‘trust the process’ makes me believe she’s chosen him and doesn’t want to tempt fate.
Also, I’m seriously going on record now, so listen up. If Chris or Marquel are the Bachelor next season, I’m pulling the shoot, guys. Yes, they’re nice guys and deserve happiness, but I am just not interested in either of them and I think their seasons will be super-boring. I. Just. Can’t. If you’ve been with me this whole time, you know it’s been a struggle on and off to retain my sanity and give you every scathing word you deserve. We’ve still got Bachelor in Paradise coming up and I gotta be loyal to my homies over at Bachelor Canada, but I’m gonna have to get a lot more choosy going forward. I still haven’t recovered from Desiree and Juan Pablo’s seasons. Still.
So whose team are you on next week? Nick or Josh? Let’s finish this thing, right?
Till next week!