Howdy ho there, kids! It’s your faaaavourite disappointment of a blogger! Today’s blog is brought to you by the phrase ‘you suck, Babe from the Burbs’, followed by the questions ‘have you written your blog yet, Bitch?’, or the ever meaner ‘where’s your fucking blog?’
Where’s your blog, Bitches? I don’t see you writing anything to entertain me now, do I? See how I did that?
I know I owe you two blogs. And yes, last week – let’s just call it ‘the week of the white jeans’ there was a plethora of content to choose from. Like say, for example…there’s…
Nick: Oy, Nick. I like you. I really do. I think most of the rage towards you is so obviously the other guys’ insecurity and jealousy that it’s painful to watch them disguise it as anything but. Having Josh fake an asthma attack just to break up the awkward silence when you return from your one-on-one date? Amazing. Watching Brian ‘accuse’ you of being confident like you were just caught snapping the neck of a baby bird? Absurd. Brian, Dude – you can’t freak out at someone for being confident! And if you’re going to wildly accuse them of talking strategy too much, you might want to have, oh I don’t know, one clear example to showcase as evidence. Let’s let Andi do the lawyering, Brian, and you keep teaching them kids how to shoot and score, huh?
And yet – I can see how the others think Nick is drowning in doucheiosity on occasion. His confidence and constant assurance to the other guys that he’s a front runner can be taxing on a man’s psyche. They already checked their masculinity at the door when they decided to base their entire happiness for the next two months on the occurrence of being handed a flower. So yes, Nick could tone down the absence of a filter and the complaints over group dates that he is merely tolerating. It wouldn’t hurt him to keep some of that confidence to himself and focus his energy on, say, picking up more scarves to round out his collection. He’s still my #1 pick and I’m okay with that.
And speaking of scarves – I’ve venture to say that this season has by far the highest scarf per capita (capita being dude – I was never good at geography) ratio in Bachelorette history. Like honestly. I have lots of friends that are dudes. If I’m out for a Saturday night with a group of, let’s say, 12 guys (their wives are there too, stop slut-shaming me), I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that zero to one of those dudes is sporting a hipster scarf. And I have some pretty hip friends (well, we like to think we’re hip). But hop on a train to Bachelorville and it’s like next stop, ‘is that a keffiyeh on your neck or are you just happy to see me?’ Even the friggin farmer from Iowa’s got himself some fringe. WTF? Have you ever?
And speaking of fashion trends this season (am I the segue queen, or what?), here’s one that will NOT make it beyond this season. TURTLENECKS. The turtleneck madness has to be stopped. It’s becoming an epidemic. Like I actually want to vaccinate my children against turtlenecks at this point. One-on-one date with Marcus? How about a nice new turtleneck and white jeans? Getting fancy for nighttime? Nothing says love like a halter-neck mini that somehow manages to squeeze a wee bit of turtleneck in for good measure. Don’t you get hot in those things, day in and day out, Andi? What kind of tan lines are you sporting? Then again, a halter-neck mini is still a thousand times better than wearing a dress made of broken shards of mirrors glued onto fabric, and then bedazzled like the one Andi wore to the cocktail party. Is she wearing the dress to physically protect herself from the guys? Because they could literally cut themselves on it if they got too close. Or did she actually say to the show’s stylist (as she pet the stylist’s seeing eye dog), ‘yep, this is the one!’
I know what gets me hot – brace yourself for segue gold right here, people – what gets me hot is Nick sneaking out for a secret one-on-one date that gets capped off by probably the best kissing of the season so far – that tree probably had to bum a cigarette off a pedestrian once they were done with it. One might even say their little passionate scene was on par with Arie and Emily up against that brick wall in that alley – maybe in Spain? (Okay one might say that, but we all know there will never be a hotter moment than that. Like ever).
Still though, despite Nick’s sleuthing basically being a public service announcement for serial rapists on how to get into their stalkee’s hotel rooms in two easy steps, and the fact that it’s completely ludicrous that the producers would have us believe that the concierge had no idea who Nick or Andi were, or was totally unfazed by the camera crew capturing his whole ‘casual inquiry’ about his wife, the end result was totally worth it. They had some adorable time together, they made out like pros and Andi was (hopefully) able to squash the memory of choking on Marcus’s tongue on their date hours earlier. Shudder. The fact that Marcus sweat profusely on their one-on-one date, told her he loved her for like the millionth time and revealed the horrific story of his upbringing was almost enough of a distraction from his kissing skills. But no. Just no.
What else gets me hot, you ask? You dirty little devil, you…how about Josh’s hands cupping Andi’s face as he kisses her? Because honestly ladies, what is hotter than a passionate kiss while your face is held in a gentle embrace by a pair of strong hands? Can I get an Amen? (like the Jesus-loving kind, because I’m Jewish and our ‘Amen’ just doesn’t have the same kinda soul when yelled with vigor.) Just needed to be clear on that. As you were.
Though Andi and Josh’s one on one had a few ups and downs – ups being him in jeans and a blazer, and the whole ‘oh wait, let’s stop in this most perfect light ever for the perfect kiss in this perfect alley right before we get hypnotized by a violinist with a glass eye, and downs being – shocker – the white jeans, this time paired with a pilly sweater the colour of baby vomit, that I’m pretty sure I donated to Goodwill about seven years ago. Not even kidding. Seriously though. Hands on face = burning loins. Oh and also – I really need to work on shorter sentences.
You know what doesn’t get me hot? Having to watch Andi and Josh’s fireworks date finale and be reminded of the $150 I spent on fireworks for Canada Day for my kids at the cottage over the long weekend only to have my six year old have a mental breakdown over the mosquitos and my four year old crying to go to bed because it’s too loud. That’s right people. Makin’ memories all over this shiznit.
I was sort of surprised she kept Chris over Brian last week, no? Even with that whole Ghost re-enactment with the pottery wheel, I still thought she and Brian would last longer. As for Dylan, the fact that last week I was more concerned with his hoodie withstanding the test of time (for the love of God, wash that thing) than he was about their relationship made it no surprise that he was the other one to go. Even though he did mention he’d be proposing in three weeks with about as much passion as your dentist office’s voicemail confirming your appointment for next Tuesday. Yep, something about Chris spinning that pottery wheel did it for Andi. No doubt she’ll be spinning the record with that memory for a while. ‘You go farmer’, indeed.
And then there was the next week. Or this week. Or tonight. Or last night, depending on when I post this. I have to say, over the past few seasons, there’s been less and less to say about the hometown dates. What happened to moms coming onto bachelors? What happened to redneck dads wielding rifles? What happened to religious fundamentalists, god dammit? Isn’t this America?
Despite most of the hometown dates being a bit boring, I have to say I found a way to bawl my eyes out (okay maybe just a bit of an ugly cry), approximately every eleven minutes. Chris’s mom? Not sure if she was just amazing, or just wasted. Either way – cried. Josh crying the minute he saw his family and then again while he suckled him mother’s tweet during their alone time? Adorbs. Marcus and his brother sharing a moment? Puddle on the floor. And, oh yeah, that other really sad thing :(.
I think we all learned a lot about Nick this week. For starters…he polkas? And, he lives in a city almost constructed entirely of shades of orange and brown and things that are only marginally cool? And his parents are raging nymphos? Did any of you notice the weird chair hanging from the ceiling with a lamp on it in the room he was chatting in with Bella? Pretty sure that was there so nothing is at risk of being knocked off a night table during yet another night of Mom and Dad’s passionate love-making. Clearly his family is very excited at the prospect of him falling in love. His poor sister Maria was so excited she forgot to put on pants before Andi arrived!
And then there’s Chris who’s all like ‘today we’re gonna go look at some corn…and then we’re gonna go look at some beans. And if you’re really good, I’ll let you drive my stick. Cuz driving a tractor is fun. For one lap. I am honestly surprised Andi has kept him around this long. Clearly he’s fulfilling her fantasy of having at least one truly ‘manly man’ on the show. She practically growls every time he does anything with his hands. Yes, their date was cute, and yes the airplane message was romantic and yes, even his family was great (though I thought his sisters were trying to sell him a bit too hard), but really, Andi? Can you see yourself getting a blue ribbon for your homemade biscuits at the county fair? I don’t think so.
I was a bit concerned with how Josh’s one on one was going to go. His dates with Andi have been up and down the past few weeks and I am not really sure if he’s going to be able to hold it together next week without saying something stupid. Thankfully, at least part of his family seemed ok with him branching off on his own a bit. Does anyone else feel like Josh’s breakup with baseball was more heartbreaking than any relationship he’s had with a woman? Like I half expected a bitchy looking baseball to roll over to Andi on the field and divulge that all along Josh was cheating on it with twin tennis balls or something. What’s that, Baseball? You can’t find Andi? Oh she’s the one with the coral coloured camel toe and the boring as shit boat neck shirt. Yep – just when you thought the shirt industry had reached the peak of boredom with the turtleneck, it busts out the boat neck. Booyah!
Sigh…Marcus. What did you expect, buddy? You blew your load too early and told her you loved her on like Day Three. And yes, she kissed you back (like she had a choice), and yes, she seemed to like your little strip tease (though I was a bit alarmed that he took her on a ‘typical day in Marcus’s life’ date and started with a strip club). It pains me to see you go through this heartache, so totally unaware of how little chance you had with her until the bitter end. Even the drive of shame – which we haven’t seen in a while – was hard to watch. You’ll find someone, Marcus. Really you will. And when you bring that girl home, your mom won’t let the flowers she brings her die on the counter all night instead of getting off her lazy ass and putting that shit in a vase.
I know I shouldn’t end things off without mentioning Eric, but really, it’s just too sad for so many reasons. Sad because again, he was just awesome. Sad because my heart ached for Andi – I can only imagine how this additional emotional turmoil took its toll on her at that time. As if the poor basket case didn’t have enough to work through on a daily basis. Sad because there was a jaded part of me that wondered if Marcus’s reaction to leave the room upon hearing the news was in any way a tactic to get some alone time with Andi as much as the footage with the camera put down ‘just so’ to show the producers comforting the cast was a strategic way to humanize the story even further. I know – horrible, right? And sadder to think that actually may in fact be Chris Harrison’s home. Please tell me that brown on brown disaster was a furnished rental – because if not, that’s just sad. So how do we recover from this and move onto fantasy dates, where Andi truly won our hearts on her season with Juan Pablo? It was no surprise that Marcus was the one to go, and even less of a surprise that Andi picked yet another winner for a dress. I was so excited in the previews when I saw emerald green, basically one of the most beautiful colours ever. But the dress gave her an odd shape, and even as she stood there bawling, trying to find the strength to hand out those magnetic little roses, I couldn’t help but let my mind wander and think to myself how much of an improvement even adding a belt to the dress would make. Something. Anything!
Aaaaaanyways…, next up; fantasy dates! Will Chris plough Andi’s field? Will Josh get to third base? Will Nick finally get his twig and berries the group date they’ve been waiting for? Only time will tell, right?