The Bachelorette – Andi: Episode Five Recap

I’m going to try REALLY hard not to ramble on with 3,000 words worth of deep analysis for many reasons this week. Many reasons. Life is busy people – sure, it’s always busy, but lately – and maybe it’s the gorgeous weather calling to me, making me feel like I’m wasting every millisecond of precious summer weather if I’m inside for any reason – it seems busier. Before long, it’ll be snowing again – yes, I said it. But you know it’s true. I’m already booking dinner reservations for August and summer just started – WTF??? So yes, forgive me if I want to take more time to convince my son that real birds, that, you know like, tweet and shit, are cooler than angry birds, and just get outside.

Another reason – you guys have seen these episodes. So I’m really trying not to get caught up in the pattern of recapping every subtle movement and gesture that chronologically occurs each week. I can only imagine that somewhere between paragraph 27 and 38 of my blog each week, you’re starting to nod off…

‘Don’t write a thousand pages – Stick with your observations!’, my loyal friends advise, as I stress – and I mean STRESS (like hard cord Jewish Guilt style) – over disappointing you because an early morning Tuesday meeting means I won’t write my blog till Wednesday and if I were a good person, I’d take the time to sit down to write this either Monday night, you know, at 11 when I’ve finished watching or better yet, Tuesday night – you know – after my kids have been fed, watered, bathed, put to bed, kitchen cleaned, house tidied, conversation with husband ticked off, laundry folded, and I finally sit down to have a glass of wine at 9:30 at the earliest after sitting at computer all day working. So just bear with me as I’m not as punctual as I’ve been in seasons past. It’s not cuz I don’t love you. I just love me more.

Does anyone else feel like it’s been forever since a new episode came on? So weird – even though we had back-to-backs just the other week, I could barely remember what had occurred. Thank goodness for the ‘previously on’ montage (which conveniently was void of the departure of Eric). Sigh.

Now that we’re moving into ‘falling in love’ territory, I’m getting a little bit cringey because I imagine this is where Andi will turn into a blubbering fool and we’ll start to remember – oh wait, this is bullshit. I am also already super-annoyed with how brutally recycled these dates are getting. Like really? ANOTHER private concert? Has there been a one-on-one without one?

On the topic of things that annoy and disturb me, I’m quite irked (albeit a bit fascinated) by Andi’s wardrobe. Every outfit is like a paradox – in a constant state of contradicting itself. Hasn’t she ever heard of H2T? Following through? Take her first outfit – Leather pleated mini? Adorbs. It’s on trend, her legs rock, right on, girlfriend. But pair it with a boring sweater (fine it’s cobalt, minor points), zero accessories and charcoal shoes that just didn’t quite cut it, and it’s like – Huh? And I can just hear Jerry Seinfeld in my head, if he were to watch the show, saying ‘what’s the deeeeeeal with turtlenecks?’ It’s borderline fetish at this point. Even the way she insists on carrying her collection of picnic totes like a satchel is pissing me off. Like just put it on your shoulder. It’s not a Louis.

Have the budgets decreased for this show or could it possibly be that these bachelorettes actually choose their own clothes? Because when I think back to Jillian Harris, the most adorable bachelorette in history (IMO) with style I could only hope to have, or Emily, who despite her general plastic, personality- less aura, could also rock a tucked-in blouse and shorts, I just feel like somehow Andi missed the memo. Where are the dresses with cowboy boots? Isn’t that a requirement to being The Bachelorette?

I guess it doesn’t really matter how Andi looks though – there is much more beauty to focus on, right? Marseille, France. Just another run-of-the-mill location for a few dates, right? It’s a good thing we have our resident renaissance man Andrew, who has ‘spent plenty of time in the South of France’ to show us around.

Andi’s one-on-one date with Josh (finally!) – kinda fell a bit flat for me much like the look of the sandwiches they purchased at the market en route to their picnic. You’re in France, dude. You should be spending hours deciding between the chocolate croissant or a baguette and a giant mound of cheese and instead they manage to find the one little stand that looks like the muffins came straight from Tim Hortons. Really? Do they even have muffins in France?

At the end of the day though, despite her internal battle over whether to trust Josh and the fact that she rarely makes eye contact when she talks to him, I think he finally convinced her to chill out. They do have a cute rapport, and obvious sexual tension (not exactly a shocker – look at him), so let’s see where this goes.

Back at the hotel, looks like a MENSA meeting has been called to crack ‘the case of the blank date card.’ I could actually feel myself getting stupider watching them all pass it around in bewilderment.

Clearly Marquel is struggling internally with the whole Blackie comment – poor guy is so distracted he accidentally put on an entire tropical rainforest instead of a shirt that morning. Shame. Good thing he can channel all that energy and emotion into…mime? Cuz nothing is hotter than watching a guy mime? Yes, that was a question.

So yeah, the addition of a mime challenge was a welcome activity, if not for the miming itself, then for the gems that the boys came up with to describe their feelings about it. Cody’s got his mime on his money and his money on his mime, while Dylan’s probably thinking the only thing he knows about mimers (mimers?) is that it’s easy to beat one up.

Though I haven’t personally developed any strong opinions about miming, clearly that’s not the case in France. Have you ever seen so much anger on people’s faces? Half the audience was like ‘I came here to see some good ass miming and I’m pissed!’ Jesus.

Around the time when the producers have run out of actual cool activities for people to do on this show, that’s when we start to see the cracks forming in the solid foundation that Nick and Andi have built. Dude – bad attitude on group dates is like having BO – not okay.

It kind of went from bad to worse quick that night too. I have to give Andi credit for trying to get to the bottom of things so directly and early on. I still shudder thinking about the sea of red flags that were conveniently ignored, sometimes to the bitter end, regarding Courtney on Ben’s season, Tierra on Sean’s season, Whitney on The Bachelor Canada, Wes on Jillian’s season and many, many more.

I almost wish the drama had put Andi in a super-foul mood – then I wouldn’t have had to watch Marcus lick her face up and down like he was bathing his kitten. Maybe those skills are appreciated further south (on a woman, not geographically), but don’t kiss a woman like that ever again. JUST EVER.

Nick could clearly sense Andi’s standoffishness, so he did what any guy would do – throw a few lines of what we should apparently recognize as poetry her way. ‘When I see you, I see a future…’ When I see you, I want to eradicate the entire concept of poetry from literature. Or at least The Bachelorette. In fact, I wish I had thought of this no poetry policy on Dez’s season. Then we could have avoided everything Chris and Dez ever said to one another and possibly even avoided the publishing of their Diamonds and Heart anthology – a publication which should only be used as a torture tool for death row inmates as their only source of entertainment.

And then there was Brian. Sweet, awkward, Brian, who lives in a constant state of déjà vu because he doesn’t ever have the balls to do anything in the moment. Why kiss her now when I can bring her back to the basketball stadium then next night? Why kiss her in her own kitchen when I can trespass in a restaurant and compromise health and safety standards?

Despite their date being – well, a dream date that I would love (cute romantic movie + food and cooking = adorable), overall, I’d have to say the night was as limp as that asparagus.

The next night, after apparently spending several hours in a sauna (how else can you explain that hair – nothing limp about that do), Andi meets up with Chris in yet another fashion crime and demands an insta-rose ceremony, because she’s so sure about her blossoming love with several of the guys.

At first, I was a bit disappointed that she sent Patrick home – did he even have five minutes to chat with her – and really? Cody? But then listening to Patrick rant that he has the qualities that are paramount in a successful relationship as if he’s applying for a job kinda turned me off. Later, dude.

Not to be out-douched, the night wouldn’t be complete without Andrew whining about being bullied and mis-represented all season long. It’s too bad Andrew’s missing out on next week’s lie detector test. That would have been fun to watch, no? (sidebar – WTF? She’s making them take lie detector tests???). I’m sure Andrew’s mom will be there to comfort him with a suckle at her breast and a ‘world’s best son’ trophy just as soon as he gets home.

One thing I am sad about? Marquel leaving. Though he was pretty much always in the Friend Zone, he’s an awesome guy and it broke my heart that he ended his time on the show announcing that ‘he’s nothing special’, especially after all he had gone through on the episode. You are special, Marquel! You are!!! Do you hear me, buddy?

Till next week! At some point…I promise !  Now stop reading this and get outside!

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3 thoughts on “The Bachelorette – Andi: Episode Five Recap

  1. this is my favorite line: Not to be out-douched – I can use that in my life regularly. Your updates are awesome and I look forward to them every week.

    I much as I felt bad for Marquel with the Blackie remark, I wish he would have been like ‘who cares! I’m great and proud and Matthew is a whitey douche!’

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