You guyyyyssss…I know I’ve said it before and been horribly let down time after time, but I have to say, it looks like we’re going to have ourselves one hell of a season, no?
I know, I know. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. So if I end up somewhere around episode seven with leftover sushi chopsticks stabbed into my eyeballs by my own hand, or throwing myself off the roof of my son’s nearby school, I’ll have only myself to blame.
And yet…I don’t know…last night a whole lot of things were just done…right. I’ll even forgive them for starting the episode at nine friggin’ thirty (what am I, going to a rave?) because they cut the episode by half an hour – though we did have to forego the usual ‘getting to know you foreshadowing segments’ of some of the top picks prior to the first cocktail party – that’s when I usually develop my crushes. Shame.
For starters – there was barely ‘Juan’ mention (it really doesn’t get old, does it?) of a certain Venezuelan douchebag.
Secondly, the montages of Andi at the beginning were for some reason less obnoxious and contrived than we’re accustomed to when the Bachelor or Bachelorette is introduced (still don’t understand why Ben Flajnik needed to carry logs in his intro.) I even think in Andi’s case, they used footage of her from the last season. You know, the part where she says the one line that any person in the world with any level of education can identify as being ‘lawyery’ – your honour, may I approach the bench?
In fact, the only two glaringly awkward moments for me right in the beginning, were a) watching Andi try to walk in heels in her ‘urban work environment’ – she looked like she either had a club foot, or was epically failing her final exam for stiletto boot camp and b) her photo shoot because really, who isn’t awkward in a photo shoot unless they’re a professional model? And even then…
Thirdly – the handling of Prince Eric’s passing. I’m calling him Prince Eric, because the simple fact that he has passed away, makes him disturbingly more attractive and desirable as the final chosen bachelor from an audience perspective. Am I wrong? Even though he doesn’t make it to the end, we will always wonder… (and for the record, I DO NOT read spoilers – I just know this from all the articles about his death).
All jokes aside, when I read about his death, it was pretty crushing – he just looked and seemed like one of those truly great guys with the whole package; kind, down to earth, adventurous, interesting, and super-hot. They did the right thing addressing it right up front – how could they not – and it actually reaffirmed another fact that seemed to assert itself throughout last night’s episode.
Chris Harrison: the man is getting some swagger! I mean it’s not like I have a crush on him or anything –but still, I feel like after, oh I don’t know – 87,000 seasons of this show, he has chilled out and you can feel the confidence in his role increasing. The way he manhandled the ever-repulsive Chris Bukowski was borderline sexy.
Ok – so back to Andi. That’s why we’re all here right? To watch the girl who dared to expose the show – a glorified orgy, a polygamy permission slip, if you will – for what it is. I am quite interested to see how quickly she’ll get caught up in the drama and romance of what appears to be a European-themed season (jealous!). How soon will she release the ‘I’m a tough girl attorney who does my own investigations’ and get caught up in the inevitable web of ‘I could, like, totally be engaged by summer!!!’
For some reason, it appears that as a result of filming for three months, she has had to abandon her career (the symbolic removal of the diploma from her barren office wall revealed as much). Hasn’t anyone heard of unpaid vacation? And before she filed away those skills forevermore, she may have wanted to use them to investigate one final matter – the worst photoshop fail in Bachelor History: The Case of the Missing Shoulder.
Funny, but because Andi’s Jewish, my inner monologue as I write this post has taken on the persona of an irate Yiddish-speaking old man from Brooklyn. It’s sort of weird, yet familiar. It’s like Jewish Jackie all over again.
Back to Andi and her desire to be engaged by summer. For this reason, I continue to wish they would take marriage out of the question for this show. Is it really necessary? I would be totally satisfied, and perhaps even happier, if the finales of these shows ended with a simple ‘I choose you. Be my boyfriend/girlfriend and let’s see how it goes.’ “Why in such a rush?” says the irate Yiddish man from Brooklyn. See what I mean? There he is again.
Andi gets settled into her mansion quickly, and who wouldn’t with ikat abounding like a breath of fresh air? Her ‘sister’arrives to help her choose between ugly dress #1 and ugly dress #2, and give her the most hard-core pep talk ever. I think the only compliments she left out were ‘you is smart, you is kind, you is important.’
And just like that we’re standing on the ever-so-shiny driveway ready to begin our journey together.
Even as the limos approached and you could hear the crescendo of frat boy voices coming together in harmony as if they would be immediately conquering some totally killer waves following their intros to Andi, I got butterflies in my stomach.
There were almost too many awkward intros to count – it seemed like everyone had a gimmick of some sort and only a few were memorable in a good way. And not only did they arrive ready to perform, but most of them were so eager to get to their spiel that they barely gave her time to say hello! Slow down there, fellas.
Marcus dropped the ‘god willing’ bomb right out of the gate, which can only lead me to believe he’s a yid too. We tend to talk like that. But it was easy to forget that when I read JJ’s description of ‘pantsapreneur’. That’s right up there with ‘free spirit’ and ‘dog lover’.
Then there’s Token – I mean Marquel – who was awkward/friendly and tried to later redeem himself with a platter of Jungle Fever cookies to set the mood. Kind of a smart move because she probably hasn’t eaten for days.
Tasos – let’s see where this goes. I like him – he’s a bit different and his Lovers Bridge lock thing was sort of cute (though I’m sure now there’s a $25 lock removal fee in the show’s production budget in the near future).
Then there’s Cody (or Coby?), also known as Muscles McGee, who’s all like ‘no worries I like coming in from behind’, as he pushes the car containing a bunch of other dudes up the driveway.
Steven – we were stoked to meet you and your adorably shaggy surfer hair, but sadly, your totally rad journey ended right then and there.
Super-confident Rudie seemed like he had a chance (despite his name being Rudie), but guess the jury was out on that one. And not to be outdone by the lawyer, the other white collar professional in the bunch, Jason (let’s just call him the love doctor), showed up looking like he forgot his leiderhosen at home and chose to distract us by brutally butchering the worst pick-up lines ever. Something about a fever and looking hot – I’m honestly trying to forget.
Then there were the dudes who didn’t want to show up empty-handed. Carl brings a globe to symbolize the love journey they’re about to embark on, Patrick brings a soccer ball, to show her that a) he can kick a soccer ball (and also potentially pay thousands of dollars for damages for kicking said ball into the abyss of a gated community in LA) and b) that not every soccer player is a total douche – let’s let us be the judges of that, shall we, Patrick? And then there’s the…lamp? To symbolize burning love? To show Andi she’ll always have a warm embrace to retreat to if she chooses to share her journey with Brett? Uh…nope. Just cuz he felt like stealing a lamp.
Then there’s Emil – who you gotta love for flagging that his name is pronounced ‘anal with an M’ and Craig, who I’m pretty sure is using the champagne to secretly celebrate his coming out (which I’m positive would be well-received by some of the other guys in the house based on the bro-mance brewing before our very eyes with Andrew and Patrick).
Other standouts – Bradley, the opera singer…just…no.
And Mike the bartender, who put himself straight into the Friend Zone by asking her to call him Camps, cuz like, that’s what his buddies call him. Any made-up name, be it Camps, or Spoons, or a shortened version of one’s last name handed down by a frat brother, most likely in some stage of severe intoxication, is not necessarily the best intro to kick things off with. Plus there’s the fact that ‘Camps’ not getting to talk to her before being let go was referred to as ‘potentially ranking up there with one of the worst feelings in the world’. First world bartender problems, indeed.
Eric – sigh…of course you had to have the cutest, most interesting gift for Andi. Of course you did.
Finally, the intros are over and we venture inside, where Andi fires the term y’all at them as if she’s making up for not using it once on JP’s season.
Things seems to be going swimmingly – you’ve got all the long haired dudes in one corner, like a Hansen Cd release party.
In another corner you’ve got fourteen guys eagerly waiting to put their jackets on her even though she isn’t cold and generally speaking, the party’s boppin’, with a plethora of…tea, coffee, and water??? Woohoo! What is this, prohibition? I suppose I understand since Dez did basically get sexually assaulted on night one of her season, but still…
In the meantime, the unexpected turn with Chris Bukowski (formerly of Emily’s season and Bachelor Pad) deciding Andi’s the girl for him takes place. I’m not even kidding you when I say I felt nauseous when I saw him. Like threw up in my mouth a little bit. There is just something about him – I think I’ve nailed it down to basically everything about his personality ¬ that just makes the hairs on my neck stand up – you know, like they do on a woman when she knows something bad is about to happen as she walks to her car alone at night. No joke. Thank GOD Andi didn’t give him a chance (and what a surprise, he spent his time in the security tent rotating between refusing to leave and being a dick to anyone in his path. Awesome.
Andi quickly pushes ‘the Chrincident’ aside and re-focuses on meeting her perfect man. There’s the farmer from Iowa whom she desperately tries to find something in common with by announcing that she loves – wait for it – ‘scenery’.
There’s her convo with Marcus where he admits he speaks German and just a little Polish – not exactly the best way to make a Jewish girl feel comfortable. Just saying.
As the end draws near, cutie patootie Nick gets the First Impression Rose, which some of the guys feel means he has a target on his back (which makes no sense because he’s not being voted off by the other guys) but whatever. Have another tea.
In the end, a bunch of guys get kicked out and the discarded guys have various stages of meltdowns (how’s that for a helpful recap?). There’s Josh who is just plain pissed off that he has embarrassed himself for the sake of one night in LA and is pretty much going to find the closes wall to punch before he calls Mommy and Daddy to cry about it. There’s Jason, who doesn’t know where to go from here (my suggestion would be the nearest barber) and then there’s the attorney, Rudie, who wants to appeal her decision. See ya, boys!
My top picks for now – Nick, Marcus (aka Ryan Goslin – trust me), Eric (even though I know he’s gone I don’t care), Tasos and Josh M. Am I missing anyone note-worthy? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty ‘stoked’ over here.
Missed you, Bitches – till next week!