So let me just set the scene for you:
I’m pushing 36 – like really pushing it. Okay fine, I’m there. Today is my birthday (what! What!). To celebrate this foray into my late thirties (puke), I decided to wipe out on ice on my driveway last night. Like one hand bleeding, the other hand bruised and my ass, tailbone and back basically for the garbage. Sweet deal, huh?
Despite the fact that my wrists are literally throbbing with every key I press, I know I owe you guys huge. You’ve sat patiently waiting as I bitch and complain about this season in the blogs I do write, or as I go completely dark like I did last week, or as I push you to the limit, waiting an extra 24 hours to get this puppy out. I even started to write it last night, but I needed bed. And drugs. Not necessarily in that order.
So let’s just get right into it. First things first – can I get an AMEN for my girl Andi, y’all??? Thank you Andi for totally vocalizing what every contestant on this show has either failed to recognize themselves or failed to admit publicly due to embarrassment about the fact that they just got engaged to a guy who doesn’t know if they like white meat or dark. I mean seriously, could I be prouder?
I know I’m jumping the gun a bit – there’s last week’s episode that’s still on my mind, and then of course, there’s the two episodes we got this week. I’m still trying to figure out what the purpose of the two episodes was. It was either an attempt to improve ratings by OD’ing us on The Bachelor so we keep wanting more, or because this season is such a failure that they need to move on with their lives and end it as soon as possible.
Here’s a *quick* overview of last week for ya. Sharleen left. While I did actually end up feeling really bad for her, even admiring her for realizing- gasp – that she might not be able to get engaged in three weeks (and I did think she looked the best we’ve seen her look on the day she was leaving even when he was personally wiping snot from her nose while she tried to hold up some dignity), I am still uttering a silent prayer of gratitude to The Bachelor gods for not making me ever have to watch her kiss another man again. It’s like they wanted to torture us one last time by forcing us to watch extreme close-ups of their tongue-dancing antics. It was disgusting, plain and simple. Seriously, how did they even find this girl???
I’m also completely confused by how Nikki randomly got to go meet Camila. I haven’t read spoilers but I do have a feeling he picks Nikki, if for no other reason than she got some totally random face time with the fam. How is that fair? Do the other girls know? I actually like Nikki less and less each episode. She hasn’t done anything drastically horrible or anything – I mean she’s no Tierra or Whitney from the Bachelor Canada (shudder) – but I just think she’s fake, and a bit mean and her skin tone is slightly gray. Yuck.
So let’s move onto this week’s episodes, because there’s a lot to get through and my Advil is starting to wear off. The hometowns began with Nikki and the camel cam swooping in on her skin tight jeans. I’m not sure why he was so flabbergasted with the ribs – dude, you’re from Miami, not Mars – but nevertheless, I was sort of jealous. Mmm…ribs.
Let me get this admission out of the way. I have always wanted to ride a mechanical bull. I think I could rock that shit. For reals. In fact, now that I’m 36, maybe I should do it today, before I need a hip replacement. Thoughts?
After watching JP master that bull, I’m not sure how many future children are living inside of those cojones, but it didn’t seem to matter. They toppled to that bouncy mat all Revenge of the Nerds 1 style and off they went to Mommy and Daddy’s house.
Let me just say that Nikki seemed to have the best parents ever. Could her mom have been cuter and more supportive? I think not. Could her dad have been kinder and more soft-spoken? Unlikely. Despite the fact they their daughter is likely going to be engaged in a matter of minutes, they seemed to take it all in stride. I imagine if I had a pastor, this is who I’d want him to be.
Their dinner – set up Bachelor style with plates congealing well in advance and no sign of seconds available to anyone, was perfect. Even the fact that in the middle of dinner Nikki’s mom wanted to go upstairs to giggle seemed normal. Who does that in the middle of dinner? I’d be all, ‘you gonna eat those sweet potatoes?’ Needless to say, their whole hometown date was pretty uneventful.
Moving onto Andi and her glorious Ombre locks – it was nice to see her smiling and comfortable on her own turf (aka not having a mental breakdown for a change.) Though we now know that all of those moments of neediness and confusion in the past episodes were actually – wait for it – moments of using her brain – and feeling unsettled given how little her relationship was actually progressing, it was still hard to watch her unravel each week. Their date at the shooting range was comical at best. He may ride a bull like a cowboy, but he sure can’t shoot like one (though to be honest, as a Canadian, someone’s lack of ability to fire a weapon isn’t exactly a deal breaker for me).
Within minutes of arriving at her family’s house, there were red flags. For starters, not only was her dad sweating, drinking a mug of scotch and shooting mean looks at ‘the visitor’ from every angle, but Andi had no qualms pointing it all out to JP. Way to make him feel more comfortable.
Then we’ve got Andi’s mom trying to make the moves on JP – she’s all ‘Dance with me’ breathlessly, like Baby said to Johnny that night in his cabin. He certainly pulled the right move quickly grabbing Andi to show off their (non-existent) dance moves. I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for the massive heart attack Andi’s dad is about one step away from if he caught JP dancing with his wife.
I do have to hand it to daddy though – and it’s pretty clear that Andi inherited some of his instincts. Why should her dad give JP a blessing to settle for his daughter when he’s done flossing his teeth with Nikki’s and Clare’s pubes? What has he done to deserve that blessing? Apparently, not much.
So their hometown date ends with Andi needing broader shoulders to accommodate Jimini Cricket and his entire friggin’ posse of opposing arguments setting up camp in her conscience. She loves him – she’s not sure. She thinks it could work – she doesn’t know if they’re on the same page. She is starting to love him – she’s fully in love with him. Decide dammit.
And then, sigh, Renee. Dear, sweet, gorgeously-tanned, perfect-legged Renee. Renee with the natural vibe bordering on poor hygiene. What the hell happened? What did she do on their hometown date that went wrong? Ben adorable? Check. Loving family? Check. Is it because he’s too selfish to consider uprooting himself and Camila? Picking a single mom means that JP and Renee are playing the same cards, right? All of a sudden he’s not special anymore because he has a daughter. She has a kid too, buddy – Booyah!
In any case, I’m glad in the end that they parted ways, because she can do much better. She deserves much better. And I think Ben felt it too – most of the time JP was at his baseball game, he wouldn’t even make eye contact with him and was all like ‘WTF mom, who is this dude?’ And Juan Pablo didn’t help things by talking to him like he’s four.
Though I was pleasantly basking in the glow of Renee’s good mommyness, it was weird to be jolted back to reality with the über weird promo for Need for Speed. The whole thing reminded me of Kelly Bundy promoting ‘The Neeeeewww Allanté’ on Married with Children. Really Aaron Paul? Promoting your film via The Bachelor? Who do you think is watching this show, BITCH?
And then there was Clare. I think we can all agree that Clare’s dad is like, the best dead person ever. Even I miss him at this point. I love how much Clare opens Juan Pablo up to who she is through her family. She’s probably the only one who has really tried to showcase who she is to JP – I mean I’m not saying he’s paying attention, but at least she’s trying. I was SOBBING with her story of tossing the rock in the pond and hearing about how they did their wedding dance before he died (again, best dead person ever). And we all know there’s that video waiting in the wings…
Things were going perfectly beautifully with them – that is- until we head over to –cue dangerous music – meet Clare’s family. I’m going to go out on a limb here for a minute and say that maybe – just maybe – her sister Laura was such a domineering bitch because – oh I don’t know – she got stuck in the shallow end of the gene pool while Clare’s over there in the deep end with bedazzled water wings? How did those two even come out of the same vagina?
This whole mute mom, ‘you’re disrespecting Mama’, I’m gonna get all up in your business stance between Clare and Laura was just confusing, right? How was Clare ‘disrespecting Mama’? By trying to have a conversation with her? By asking her opinion? I felt so sick for Clare, because we’ve all seen hometown dates go awry and singlehandedly destroy anyone’s chances of a future relationship with said Bachelor (ahem, ahem Dez and Sean). Clare was in a total panic, and I really don’t blame her. But Juan Pablo –gotta hand it to him. When he wants to be articulate, he does know how to say the right things. At least enough so that Laura went back to her trough and let Mama have some alone time with him.
The rose ceremony was quick and dirty. The awkwardness between Nikki and Clare is hilarious (and Nikki doesn’t hold a candle to Clare in that pink dress. Could her body be more ridiculous?) My heart ached when he didn’t call Renee’s name – and given the relationship that had developed between them and the whole kids thing, I felt like he owed her a bit more of an explanation. I would love to see Renee become the next Bachelorette just so I can see more of her. Maybe next time I’m in Florida, we can have a playdate. You know, I could teach her how to wash her hair and Ben could teach my son how to have a positive attitude about sports. Win win!
Okay – onto Round two. The Fantasy Dates. Ay yay yay, where to begin?
The previews looked like JP’s inner asshole came shining through, and thanks to our homegirl Andi, they did! Only thing is, he probably doesn’t see it that way.
The more we get into this season, the more I really think how could any parent with any child actually think this is a good idea? Sure, you may say you are putting your daughter first, but what is more selfish, then going on a two month shopping spree for a spouse?
JP tries to convince us that he’s most excited to ‘talk’ to the girls in private, finally, in the fantasy suites, and if the phrase ‘talk’ translates to ‘get some puntang’ in Spanish, then I’d almost find that statement believable.
Eees ok, J to the P, we know you have your needs, and a three night romp in the hay with a virtual storm of long locks to grab onto, faces to awkwardly caress, and intelligent thoughts to suppress with one more besito are finally within your reach. Don’t worry dude, just because you are constantly asking them what they’re thinking doesn’t mean we expect you to listen to their answers.
Before those last dates even occurred, I actually wrote down yacht, local tour with steel drum band and excursion to an island, just to see if they would by some miracle, change up the formula this for this round of fantasy dates. But, you can’t get anything past me – nosiree- so that’s exactly what we got. A yacht for Clare, the city tour with Andi (though I also wrote buy local jewelry for that one and looks like Andi didn’t get to pick a commemorative bracelet like every other season) and horse-back riding on a private island. Damn, I’m good.
Funny how Clare pretended to be giving some serious thought to not spending the night with him – you know, cuz of the whole slut-shaming incident from their previous romp in the ocean – and also funny how conveniently JP forgot his whole setting a good example for Camila by not getting intimate with any of the girls (except for, you know, three in a row).
Clare’s date on the yacht was predictable. What’s there really to say? I still don’t see how none of these girls’ bikini tops go flying over their heads when they do all of these plunges into the deep water. Are they taped? For night time, she wore a long white gown – that’s not going to make him marry you, honey – and sported her best duck face, while she waited for him to notice it. When he finally did, duck transitioned to her signature extended lower lip, sexy-cute look, and while it sort of worked, did anyone else feel like that time they spent talking on the bench was super-awkward? It seemed more like a couple at a bar, just sort of bopping their heads to music, not really knowing what to say, while their sliders sat waiting to be consumed without any plates. Could it be that JP was like let’s get on with the card already? There’s nothing crazy about starting their relationship in a hot tub and ending it there too. Not on this show.
So date # 2 is with Andi – yippee!
They worked up a sweat walking through the town, busting a move with the steel drum band, feeding some stray kids and playing a rowdy game of soccer. And oh yeah – what’s a date with one-piece-wonder Andi without a waterfall? But who cares about any of those parts.
To be honest, I didn’t really pay any attention to their dinner conversation on the beach and I paid even less attention to them reciting the same date card I’ve heard 47,000 times by now. All we need to know is they went, they shtupped, they split. And all I want to know is if the girls all shared his toothbrush. Ew.
He woke up elated and she woke up feeling filthy. But he barely had time to let the semen dry on his sheets before he was off to pick up Pocahontas – I mean Nikki for their date. Gotta love the editing here. They show extra-long sequences of him talking about how amazing his night was with Andi (they didn’t at all post-Clare), just so they can make him look even more caught off guard when she kicks his ass to the curb.
Andi’s honesty was just completely refreshing. I couldn’t get enough of it. She literally voiced what all of us have been saying forever about how ridiculous this whole thing is, with some added jabs especially for JP to make sure we were clear that all he cared about was making out with her, and picking her skin in awkward places.
When she came to say goodbye to him, I would have been just as infuriated as her. The ‘okay’ thing, well, it’s just not okay. And that fact that she was trying to be serious and he’s digging for something invisible on her eyebrow? It reminded me of a five month old baby who thinks it’s funny to shove their fist in your mouth while you’re having a conversation. Totally inappropriate and mildly disturbing.
Clearly he doesn’t care about Andi – since there was absolutely no sadness on his part. Brunette wants out? No problem, I’ve got two blondes in storage. When she called him out on saying that she was there by default and then he corrected her by saying that he never used the word default, but that he said she barely made it through? Um…is that supposed to make her feel better? Does it even matter?
You go on with your bad self Andi. Rumour has it you’re the next bachelorette and while I can’t say I’m jumping up and down (I don’t know if I would be for anyone at this point), it’ll be interesting to see if she puts in the effort to really get to know her group of guys once the tables have turned.
Nikki’s date? Meh. Even in a bikini, there’s something decidedly masculine about her – and that top was not exactly the right choice for horse-back riding. I think my favourite part of the night was when she tells him she loves him and he whispers back to her (after asking her for the 48th time what she’s think),’ I like you.’ Well, isn’t that precious.
I’m looking forward to The Women Tell All. Looks like not everything ‘eees okay’ according to Juan Pablo’s castaways and it will be interesting to see him defend himself, limited vocabulary and all.
Thanks for your patience, friends. Can I start drinking now?
Till next week!