The Bachelor – Juan Pablo: Episode Four Recap

I have a confession.  And it’s a big one.  I didn’t watch Sean and Catherine’s wedding, guys.  Like not even for a minute.  I Just. Couldn’t.  Do.  It.  Some may look down on me for it, like ‘WTF Babe from the Burbs?  We give you one task – ONE TASK – and you can’t even follow through???’  But you know how I look at it?  I look at it as ‘You know what, Babe?’ (for short, ObV) ‘Is anyone paying you to watch their wedding?  No.  Do you actually, truly, in your heart of hearts, give a shit about their wedding?  No.  Would you rather be watching the Grammy’s or finishing your book or polishing your nails or stabbing yourself in the eye?  Yes.’

So, the decision was made.  I timidly put it out there on my facebook page to see if a bunch of angry fans would tell me I had to watch, and regale me with tons of anecdotes I had already missed. And bless your hearts, you supported me in my hour of need.  You told me it was okay, that it totally blew (as I knew it would) and that I wasn’t missing anything.  And for that, all four fans, I am eternally grateful.

From what I hear, all I need to know is that Catherine tried to coin the awful phrase ‘grown sexy’, there was some sort of awkward camera set up in the honeymoon suite, Sean went lingerie shopping,  his dad made everyone cry, and it was a hardcore Jesus fest.  Did I miss anything?  Thought not.

So let’s move on to episode four where Juan Pablo is having a last moment with Camila before hopping the plane and lovingly picking her wedgie while the girls are trying desperately not to forget to pack the essentials for their trip to Seoul – like, you know, their kimonos and their total ignorance of other cultures.  I guess being forbidden to exit the house other than for dates is getting to them, because they looked like rabid dogs waiting for Chris to tell them  where they were going.  It’s as if you could read their thoughts – ‘finally!  The reason I signed up for this show in the first place – the travel!’

As exciting as hopping a plane and going to Seoul is, Juan Pablo’s voice is just getting softer and more tired each week.  Am I wrong?  I’m at the point now where when he speaks, it kinda sounds like he’s counting down from 100 after being given a pre-surgery anaesthetic.

So after everyone is settled, the pack of white chicks descends upon the streets of Seoul looking completely out of place, but it doesn’t take long for them to appreciate the bustling city – there are like, so many great shoe stores guys!!!

This is where Nicki starts to unravel.  The group date is announced and we are informed that Nicki doesn’t play nice with others.  Guess she missed that day in Kindergarten.  She wants to go deeper with Juan Pablo.  Like as in deep throat?

JP- somehow looking adorable in capri harem pants – is all excited to surprise the girls who ‘have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the date could be’ (even though they have coincidentally all chosen active wear) and when they arrive and he announces that they are at the Motherland of K Pop, the girls do their best job trying to pretend they know what K Pop is.

So 21 – the über popular dance/pop sensation get to work teaching the girls their routine.  Yes Kat was a bit annoying with her ‘I’m the best dancer ever’ routine, but I didn’t hate her with a fierce passion, like Nicki.  I was actually more distracted by Cassandra…um, isn’t this girl supposed to be a former NBA dancer?  Was it just me or was she positively awkward???  And the fact that Chelsie claimed it was her childhood dream to be Britney Spears’s backup dancer was a little too much for my delicate heart to take.  That was your childhood dream?  How old are you, exactly?  Why do I still watch this show???

Despite Nicki being a total sourpuss (I would be too with that honkin’ zit on my cheek shining like a beacon of light), I actually had moments of love for her, most of them stemming from the sense of humour lurking inside of her.  Hoping to perform for the South Korean School of the Blind?  Perfect.  The whole inside face/outside face?  Love it.  Thank you, Nicki for telling it like it is – because I’m sure that’s how most of the girls feel when they’re forced to jump off cliffs and swim with sharks to prove their love for these guys season after season.  I also had to love her impression of Kat – shimmying with the ‘who wants some guacamole?!?!?’ line.  But, I was not impressed with her total misery – even the misery she displayed onstage, and the fact that she was able to turn her fake happiness on and off like that – alarm bells much???

The next day, the inevitable happens.  Sharleen (who is apparently Juan Pablo’s favourite right now???) gets the one on one and to pour salt in our wounds she chooses to wear black pantyhose on her date under her shorts.  I don’t even know what to say to that.  If you’ve read me for a while, you know how I feel about black pantyhose (damn you, Duchess of Cambridge for bringing it back!)  I would have much rather watched the other girls doing their nails back at the house than have to stomach their date.

I am still super uncomfortable with Sharleen and JP – it reminds me of how I felt with Sean and Catherine.  I get that he’s into someone with mundo – and let’s be honest, with this group Sharleen is probably your best bet – but I am just not buying them together.  The way they kiss makes me physically ill.  Like straight up puke-in-my-mouth-and-swallow-it nauseous.  This time, in addition to the excruciatingly slow way their lips finally meet like some horrible tease gone wrong, and the fact that she has to cup his face with her man hands , he actually growled at her before he kissed her.  Like full on growled.  Maybe it was his last attempt to scare her away after that brief, yet inevitable opera moment, complete with warm-up drills (at least we can cross it off our list).  I didn’t even know it was a thing to ‘not sing for a guy on a first date’ until this episode.

Not only are they just not a good-looking couple together – but dude, it is so clear that she doesn’t want kids!  Like she basically already told you of a failed relationship with a guy who has a daughter practically Camila’s age.  So what do you do?  Rather than take the opportunity to make a clean break, and put Camila’s needs first, like you claim to be most committed to, you announce that the date couldn’t have gone any more perfectly and shove the rose down her throat.  Should we just start calling Camila Cinderelly at this point?  Because that kid’s getting locked in the attic, yo.

Sigh.  Moving onto the group date in the AMAZING life size dollhouse and skin-devouring fish pond.  Whaaatttt?  Why can’t we have cool shit like that here?

Most of my favourite girls are on this date.  I love Renee –despite her nasty feet – guess that secret is out – and her beautiful sparkling eyes.  Even though she’s totally desperate for affection, I just want to cradle her in my arms and give her the attention she deserves. I also want to give her some pointers on how to just go for it.  How do you think Camila will act to you kissing me?  Really?  That’s your lead-in?  The last thing a guy wants to think of before kissing a woman is a five year old girl.

I am also still totally digging Andi – because she’s gorgeous and is totally unaware of it (though she did make some questionable fashion choices this week) and is just sort of normal.  I don’t think she is pretending to be anyone she isn’t for even one second.  Kelly is growing on me too – not as a good match for JP, but more in the way I grew to love Jaclyn on her seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad.  She provides comic relief on a regular basis and lord knows someone has to.  Plus, she has amazing hair.  She’ll probably make it a bit further – even though she’s stuck in the Friend Zone.  At the very least, she’s one step ahead of Danielle – I know.  Who?

I was a big Clare fan prior to last night, and though I still do love her (and hate her for her body), I have some concerns.  First of all – really?  You won’t eat octopus?  Do you even know how friggin’ delicious octopus is?  Clearly not.    Not sure what Clare was thinking using her one on one time to tell JP she swallowed her own vomit.  And you’re worried about chocolate breath?  I’m beginning to think JP has some sort of anxiety disorder that can only be calmed by these Hebrew school wafers.  Where do these things keep coming from?  Like out of the blue, a girl will be talking and he’ll shove a wafer in her mouth.  WTF?

I still think he’s a good kisser, but I’m noticing that he takes a bit too long for the lean-in.  Not every kiss has to be begged for with trembling lips, dude.  Someone needs a lesson in the Luyendyk technique.

I think Juan Pablo made good use of his time for the night portion – though I don’t think he made good use of his stylist.  His outfit looked like he just came off a night shift in Santa’s workshop.  I guess it was cozy enough to keep him and Andi warm as they settled in for their one on one time on the side of the road under a hand job blanket to… take  a nap?  Ayayay…at least she got the rose – yay!

And then there’s Lauren.  Poor thing.  She finally gets one minute of screen time, and even practices asking for a kiss in Spanish and then she’s shot down faster than a glass of champagne on night one.  What did he expect her to feel?  She knows he’s kissed every girl and their mother by now, so to all of a sudden use the excuse that he ‘has a daughter’ as a reason not to kiss her – even if it is well-intentioned – that’s just gotta suck to hear, dude.  No doubt in my mind she’ll be playing the blues as she rides that piano mobile out of the Bachelor mansion.

So the cocktail party arrives and as expected, it’s a sea of awkwardness (and flashes of vagina thanks to the insanely high slit in Elise’s dress.)  I actually got a bit bored during the cocktail party so I spent some of the time googling to try to find out which products Clare uses in her hair and researching rose ceremonies in general.  Do you know several sources say that the cocktail parties/rose ceremonies start at sunset and literally go all night so that by the time people are kicked off in the morning they are so emotionally and mentally exhausted that their breakdowns upon departure make for better TV.  Real nice.

Not sure where JP was going with his interrogation of Nicki during their one on one time – and is it just me or is she getting less cute by the minute?  Her actually shuddering when Clare got the rose was just uncalled for.

I honestly can’t believe Danielle got a rose over Elise – has she even spoken once this whole show?  Poor Lauren didn’t even bother putting on make-up – she knew her number was up.

Looks like next week Claire accidentally opens more of herself up to Juan Pablo than intended – and the girls aren’t pleased.  Let’s hope for some actual drama, eh?  Till next week!

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