The Bachelor – Juan Pablo: Bachelor Love Stories & Episode Three Recap

 

Okay, Okay, Okay, I know I’m late today, but you guuuuuys…..some of us have jobs to do.  You know, like other than trying to look like we’re not on facebook refreshing our page over and over again waiting for my blog post to pop up as our boss walks by…

So, let me just say for starters – last night was super boring.  Agree?  Please tell me you agree.  I wanted to love the episode, like I really ‘Juan’ted to (see how I did that), but really, it just kinda blew.

Before we can even get into it though, we have to meander back to Sunday night, right?  Because when you’re a blogger who only writes about one subject, you can’t really pass up content on that subject right?

Sure I could venture into the actual real world (and by that I mean bachelor-related news and not actual episodes of the show or – god forbid – actual news in the real world), where we discovered that our beloved Juan Pablo is actually homophobic and finds the concept of gay marriage perverted (way to alienate half your fan base, dude.  As if ratings weren’t dropping enough already.  But I won’t.  If I did that, then I’d have to actually stay on top of things and post other Bachelor stuff.  And who wants to go above and beyond, right?

So Sunday night.  Yet another waste of an hour of my life spent ‘catching up’ with our favourite (only) Bachelor couples.  In actual fact, we got about three seconds with each couple before we had to (surprise surprise) get a half an hour of Sean and Catherine in all their pre-wedded-bliss glory.  Thank goodness this coming Sunday is their actual wedding so we can finally lay ‘Juan’uary to rest.

Sure I loved seeing Jason and Molly and their adorable Riley kickin’ it in Seattle and generally being cute.  But I could have done without the recap on Dez and Chris.  I am seriously still SO uncomfortable about the debacle that season ended up being and though they do seem happy, I am just not on board with them.  Maybe it’s because of their side business of writing unbearably awful poetry for exactly six people (her parents, his parents, their siblings), or maybe it’s because her sewing studio was the least inspirational place I’ve ever seen – basically an empty room the producers whipped together to show her working.  I don’t know…am I being too harsh?

Then there’s the surprise addition of Deanna (you all know how I feel about her) and her hubby Stephen Stagliano (Michael Stagliano’s twin brother).  What a fabulous surprise it was to see them on screen.  And the stories they shared – I mean could they have been any more exciting???  In case you missed it, here’s one of my favourite anecdotes from their interview – are you ready?  She is pregnant and Stephen (silly boy!) put a pink velour tracksuit for their expected baby girl on the registry.  Well!  Deanna (the blushing mom-to-be) was not having any part of that velour tracksuit, so guess what she did?  You’ll never guess.  No seriously, try to guess.  Fine, I’ll tell you.  Are you ready?  She… (wait for it, wait for it…) removed it from the registry!  Totally unexpected, eh guys?  Really super-duper story!  Kill me.

Then there’s Ashley and JP, who still talk to each other like they’re puppies, still overuse the word ‘babe’ and are still, apparently, sickeningly happy.  They did share some breaking news though – guess what?  Ashley still wants babies!  Can you believe it?  How would we ever have guessed???  That’s pretty much their update.  They make breakfast for each other, lug their 86 pound wedding album to coffee shops so they can relive the memories of their special night, and generally count down the moments until they will have babies.

And then, there’s Trista and Ryan and I get it, this is like sacred ground or something so I’ll keep it classy.  Really what is there to say?  They’re still happy, with two cute kiddies.  Ryan is still a hot firefighter, though now clearly in desperate need of a sandwich and he put a lot of work into picking up the phone and asking Neil Lane for a free ring for Trista in exchange for product placement as they renewed their vows.  He wore runners (adorable), she looked pretty amazing and they repeated what they said at their wedding (minus the Pepto pink scenery) to commemorate ten years together.

 Do I even give Sean and Catherine any time today?  I know I’ll have to do it next week.  I remember like it was yesterday, them riding off into the sunset in the abused elephant plantation in Thailand.  Fast forward a year later and we’ve gotten all the cheesy staged shots we can (them having a ‘pillow fight’ in the linens section of the department store they registered at with the labels of the linens ‘just so’ as they attack each other, them sampling wedding cakes like an homage to Lady and the Tramp, them…walking on the beach wearing giant animal helmets)…um…yeah.

I’m sure their wedding will be cute and I’m sure that just as I did with Ashley’s and JP’s wedding,  even though I wasn’t looking forward to watching it, that I will cry and love them just a smidge by the time it’s done and Catherine whisks Sean off to full on rape him.  But for now – sorry – me no likey.

Onto El Ba-che-lore.  I think I took less than two pages of notes last night (usually I’m pushing five, just to paint a picture.)

For starters…Cassandra?  Really?  For the one on one?  Why not Renee?  Renee, who is so sweet and mother-hen-y that I expect there to be a pile of eggs collected in her top bunk every morning.  For the love of God, if anyone needs a night out on the town, it’s Renee!  She better get one next week.

What is there really to say about Cassandra?  She’s pretty, in a tiny-faced, Chippette-like sort of way.  She sported an adult onesie which, for anyone that knows me, is a look I totally heart.  She seemed to enjoy the tasting menu of Hebrew school wafers Juan Pablo set before her for desert (???) and her ass looked friggin’ amazing in those jeans in his kitchen.

In case you missed the repeated sentence 47 times that she hasn’t been on a date since she was 18, well…she hasn’t been on a date since she was 18.  She sort of forgot to mention that was the date that slipped one past the goalie (do the math, peeps), but in a nutshell, that’s what there is to say about her.  Oh yeah.  And the car boat thing was cool.

Onto the group date where the girls get all dressed down for Juan Pablo Beckham before hitting the soccer field.  Poor Sharleen takes it a step too far with the uneven braids that were a little too much ‘grade 2 school photo’ and a little less ‘I’m a sexy down-to-earth girl who can effortlessly toss my hair into some cool braids because I just can’.  Shame.

There’s no doubt in my mind that JP reeked by the time the girls arrived – it was so nice of them to pretend not to mind.  Some of the girls are in a state of panic over having to wear cleats and be athletic, while others have game faces on that are so severe, they end up looking like they’ve just had a stroke.

I don’t know what was more painful – watching the various degrees of team cheers and happy dances from the girls as they scored various goals, or watching Sharleen take it to the head – and the face – and the chest.  Seriously – what the hell?  Somehow she manages to work it to her advantage though, and by the time the night portion rolls around, she is heaving herself onto him in this passive aggressive, disturbing, definitely not sexy way that makes me really nauseous.  Like really.  And really wanting to stop watching and go back to my book.

JP’s whole moment with Sharleen is just wrong.  I dislike the overuse of the word ‘organic’ just about as much as dislike the use of the word ‘bespoke’ in my decorating magazines (my version of porn) so that didn’t help either.  When they kissed, I can honestly say that I audibly gasped louder than I have during any previous season – and I think that’s saying a lot, right?  It was so gross.  So…wrong…so uncomfortable…so not sexy…so repulsive…so much like she was having a seizure…I need to find a way to erase the memory STAT.

I felt super-bad for girls like Nicki (not sure about her), and Andi (love) because they had these nice moments with JP and then he totally broke Sean’s rule about not kissing girls in front of each other and the whole night started to go to shit.

Other than those few minutes with Nicki, Andi and Sharleen (and a weird moment with Danielle where we learned she was previously abducted???), there wasn’t much to report on for the evening portion of the date.  Do you think all of the girls fully showered and did their hair in the locker rooms, or do you think they just brought their flat irons and did a little ‘how’s your father’ action to spruce things up?  Or did they all just look so overdone compared to Lucy because her hair either looked totally greasy or still wet from the shower.  Couldn’t really tell.  For someone who’s supposed to be the life of the party, could she have had less personality over these past couple of weeks?

Back at the house, Elise and Chelsie are waiting for the date card, while Clare perches adorably in a baseball shirt.  When Chelsie gets the date card, Elise immediately sharpens the claws and wonders if JP is ready to have another daughter or wants a real woman in his life.  I don’t know about you, but I really haven’t seen anything about Chelsie that makes me think she’s immature.  Have you?  Elise is the one who feels the need to bedazzle every item of her clothing so who’s the seven year old now?

I’ll give JP and Chelsie’s date a B+.  Between the Venezuelan karaoke/car dancing and the fact that they went to a casual takeout restaurant and actually ate, I’d say they were off to a great start.  Small demerit for the overuse of the word ‘epic’ by Chelsie and the fact that it took her nine hours (all of which were aired) to decide if she was going to go through with the jump (not that I blame her, I so would not have).  Overall, it ended pretty cute, with bonus points for JP’s dancing hotness and with an (albeit slightly awkward) kiss.  I definitely like Chelsie and think she’s naturally very pretty.  The way JP quietly talks to the camera when he’s deciding to give out roses, and almost surprises himself with his interest in every single girl, I really can’t see him not giving out a rose on any upcoming one-on-one.  He’s going to have to grow a pair eventually, but there are at least four girls who don’t have a fighting chance, so he’ll have a chance to hone those skills.

The next day, JP decides to throw caution to the wind and surprise the girls with breakfast.  I think watching him knead the dough and dice the onions was just as hot as watching him dance with any of the ladies we’ve seen him dance with so far – who doesn’t love a man who cooks?  Kelly totally missed the opportunity to seize the morning with JP by running away as soon as she saw him.  Seriously, Kelly?  Are you that insecure?  I’m not saying pull a Molly and take a dump in front of him, but stop and chat for a minute.  She could have totally monopolized the one-on-one time and even helped him make breakfast (you know, like he could stand behind her as the two of them churned a wooden spoon and stirred the batter for the Arepas together circa Ghost Pottery scene?)  Instead, she runs to the girls, not only totally missing her chance to have him all to herself, but also giving them the opportunity to pretty themselves up before they see him.  Gotta love Renee, who saunters into the room braless, her morning hali wafting in the breeze, and shoots the shit with him without a care in the world.  Get this girl a one-on-one and PLEASE make it a shopping one – lord knows she deserves it.

I can only dream of looking as cute as half of them rolling straight out of bed, just like I can only dream of my boobs looking that amazing as I seductively rub sunscreen all over them for a pool party.

I totally dug Juan Pablo’s change of course to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party and yes, he was thinking with his head when he made that call.  The only question is, which head?  Because I too would enjoy staring at half naked girls all day if I was the bachelor, over watching a bunch of girls adjust their Spanx at a cocktail party (as if any of them wear Spanx).

The only thing more confusing to me than Cassandra’s monokini was once again, Sharleen and her whole, well, existence.  She seeks him out to have a good cry because she’s not the squealing, volleyball on your shoulders in a bikini kinda gal, he comforts her like a colicky baby and then she knowingly looks around, almost hoping the other girls can see and tries to sneak a kiss, whining when he only gives her a taste.  She’s borderline rabid at this point.

I totally get why Clare is upset – though if I looked that amazing in a bikini I would find a way to get over it.  This happens every season with the girl who gets the first one-on-one.  They get all excited and then they don’t see him again for a week and a half and take a short stopover to Crazytown.  At least Renee (shocker) was there to reassure yet another girl in the house.  Juan Pablo seeks Clare out, reassures her that he still likes her (and compliments her on her jammies – nice one) and all is right with the world again.

Sadly, the cocktail party arrives and we bid adieu to Lucy, whom I really don’t think lived to her full potential on this show.  As she walked out carrying her heels in some sort of feminist protest, all I could think was, nice try with the red soled shoes, but we can see where you picked off the price tag sticker.

When is there going to be some action on this show?  Where is our Tierra?  I’m looking for sparkle and I’m not seeing it anywhere but Elise’s bustiers, people!

Guess that’s all for now.  If anyone has something to invite me to this Sunday night that will make it impossible for me to watch Sean and Catherine’s wedding, please speak now.  PLEASE.

Till next week!

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7 thoughts on “The Bachelor – Juan Pablo: Bachelor Love Stories & Episode Three Recap

  1. Brilliant synopsis and, yes, dead on. The info about his homophobia and child support concerns me as well, but I get your point about also just wanting to focus on the fantasy ridiculousness of the show,

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