So here we are, about half way through ‘Juan-uary’ and the forecast shows things are starting to heat up. Sort of.
No thanks to the ‘behind the scenes of The Bachelor’ episode Sunday night, things seem to be progressing as expected. Drunken breakdown followed by Bachelor mansion banishment? Check – (complete with bonus of possibly the best slur-fest in Bachelor history – can’t wait till they release Victoria from her padded cell and let her watch the episode). Single moms clutching their child’s pictures and playing the ‘I miss my kid’ card? Double check. Yup right on track.
There’s not really a point in even dissecting Sunday’s ‘Behind the Scenes’ episode (says the girl who will still write 1000 words on it). Clearly the only reason for this weekly overdose of Bachelor-related entertainment is all a ploy to give Sean and Catherine some much-needed screen time so that by the time their wedding actually airs on January 26th a few people might care.
It wasn’t much of a Behind the Scenes foray, either. It was more like ‘The Scenes’, since part of the episode featured repeat content we saw just six days prior – and Chris and JP crashing the viewing parties? Well, that could have been any season – since they all look the same – Chris Harrison and said Bachelor bursting in on ‘unsuspecting’ fans that have just so happened to have gathered 40 of their besties including aunts, uncles and cousins. I’m sorry but there is no way that many people come over to watch the show anywhere. If I’m wrong then please comment and tell me that you are one of the fans who actually has that many people over to watch and that you can still hear everything and catch the details like a good fan should (and also tell me that your entire group are diehard fan of mine to stroke my ego). I don’t see how it’s possible (and as you can imagine I have line-ups of people who would love the honour of watching with me! That’s right the HONOUR.) Sadly that’s just not gonna happen. Put it on your bucket list, Bitches.)
The only thing that sort of stood out to me on the episode was the poor 12-ish year old girl – Avery, was it? – who did a solo interview on camera that pretty much stated that because of this show, she believes in true love and that she knows it can happen. Um…can someone find this girl’s mom? Someone needs a teaching moment STAT.
And then of course there was the footage of the cast off girls (a nice touch, I’ll admit) shown in all their pathetic, make-upless glory, as they sniffled and snotted their way back to their moms. I do hope that somewhere, somehow, some guys are watching and saying – ‘that’s the girl for me! I must find her contact info on the interweb! And they all live happily ever after, because as much as I do make fun of them, I get it. They’re pushing 30 and just want to find ‘the one’. Who doesn’t? But maybe they should have thought of that before they gave awkward massages, or left their personalities in their hometowns.
The footage of the girls acclimatizing to the bachelor mansion was not much more than extended footage of what we usually get. A bit more of the girls shouting JP’s name from the balcony, a bit more girls picking out their beds, and the special prelude to the next day’s episode where Clare gets chosen for the first one-on-one. And of course, an opportunity to really get to the heart of what these girls are feeling and going through in their daily lives. There was Amy, whose mom tried out an unfortunate new look from the local Cut n’ Curl before being mock interviewed by her daughter, or poor Victoria, who is just constantly being told she’s pretty right before she agrees to sleep with every guy she meets. And Losty (my new name for Lucy – Kill Me Now just doesn’t have the right flare) who tries to convince us that JP being into soccer is the most important reason for her being interested in him and who is struggling with why people call her a hippie (um… maybe they do because that’s what you call yourself? Repeatedly?) Note to Losty – showing your tits to everyone and their cousin does not make you a hippie. It makes you a whore. Meditate on that for a while, won’t ya?
We also got to see a bit more of the Camila Cam and I have to say that it is pretty freakin’ adorable how close he keeps his daughter during this process and how much he ensures that she’s always included in his day and is right near by. I thought Emily did a good job toting Ricki around every seventh episode on her season, but compared to JP, she’s a borderline deadbeat mom! It probably keeps him grounded to have Camila there before he heads into la la land with the bachelorettes.
Overall, I’d say that the ‘Behind the Scenes’ episode was about as exciting as the return of Arsenio Hall to late night television. Really?
Onto last night’s episode, where JP is eager to spew his adventura all over the place. You know, even if I was single and at least 7 years younger, I just don’t think I could be on this show. For starters, I seriously do not have the wardrobe for it. How do these girls look so cute in every single outfit? Who has the perfect ensemble for hanging on a couch on a Wednesday? Can someone with a connection please find out for me how much of their wardrobes (not to mention hair and makeup) are provided and how much they actually bring from home? I seriously need to know. For real.
So we open with the usual morning routine – Molly the dog going for her morning swim and the girls looking like they just stepped out of a What Not to Wear finale. Clare is already pumped for her date and Juan Pablo is too – I’m almost tempted to just enjoy the moment until he refers to himself as El Ba-che-lore in a gritty Spanish voice. That needs to stop. Like now. You are not Inigo Montoya. We did not kill your father. It’s bad enough that your name is Juan Pablo – let’s not take this further than we have to.
So JP takes Clare on the cutest Winter Wonderland date ever, complete with snow, skating, sledding, snuggling and…serenading? Looks like the producers went through their whole bag of tricks on date one! And really what is there to say? I think we all know Clare is making it to at least the final three here – maybe even two. I mean how could she not after Juan Pablo spoke from the heart and revealed ‘I’m having a very much having good time with you.’ If that’s not something to engrave inside a ring, what is? Their date is full of chemistry and an ease with each other and honestly, how good is it when you go tobogganing and you don’t have to share it with your kids? Selfish little bastards never give me a turn…
Back at the house, Losty is revealing that she prefers a group date, where she has a chance to shine amongst the other non-naked girls, rather than – gasp – coming out from behind her façade of fairies and flowers and have an actual conversation with JP. This is when the ‘here for the right reasons’ alarm start to go off uncontrollably, by the way.
Kat – yet another adorable blonde in the house scores the second date right around the time that I pleasantly observe that there have been some minor updates to the décor. Goodbye brocade, hello ikat??? Doth mine eyes deceive me???
Kat joins JP on a private jet and before we even have time to get motion sick, JP has busted out his Sergio Tacchini warm-up suit for the date – whaaaaatttt?
What is there to say about their date besides OMFG how cool is this race??? I’m not sure where it actually took place, because Kat references Utah but the screen says they’re in Arizona, but who friggin’ cares??? Can someone please take me to this totally ludicrous, running dance party RIGHT NOW? This thing almost made me want to use my running shoes for – wait for it – actual running??? I think this is the only athletic event where Ecstacy is required.
I wouldn’t exactly call the date romantic – since most of the time the two of them were sort of lost in their own dance moves – him in his super-hot, this latin-lover-can-totally-cut-a-rug-while-rocking-a-tight-long sleeve- sort of way, and her in her half ‘I’m-on-a-kids-TV-program’, half ‘I’m-too –sexy-for- this-glow-stick, open-mouthed-dance-off sort of thing. Sort of equivalent to the popular dance move ‘white man’s overbite’ frequently busted out by my adorable husband.
I can only imagine the glow in the dark pit stains JP must have been sporting by the time they are called up on stage where the rose is waiting. Can you imagine how awkward it would have been if he decided not to give her the rose??? Buzz kill much? Thank goodness that was obviously not happening, thanks to the electricity between them.
As JP and Kat are creating their own sparks, back at the house the group date is announced. There are still a few girls who I’m like ‘and you are???’ – Kelly, Lauren, etc., but off we go for the super-awkward photo shoot.
By the time we’ve arrived at the studio, I’ve had just about enough of Lucy. I get that you’re no glamazon and you don’t believe in nail polish, but could you at least pluck your stache? If you’re not comfortable with a metal tweezer, then find two twigs to pinch together or something. I’m sure you can find some all natural concealer to even out your skin tone. And how does taking the dog for a naked walk even accomplish anything??? JP is inside!!!
It was interesting watching the creative director come out with his ridiculous green goatee and watching exactly zero of the girls reacting to how ridiculous he looked. Just goes to show how eager they were to please.
And speaking of eager to please, I’m sorry but I have a serious issue with the whole naked picture thing – especially because I actually like both Andi (I’m the girl who brought a one piece? Shame – adorable) and Elise (though I think Elise may be a bit too Disney princess for me eventually). Yes these girls are here for Juan Pablo and if that means conquering their fears – like bungee jumping or eating carbs, then so be it. But I have a huge issue with forcing anyone to get naked in front of a camera or risk being penalized for being a ‘poor sport’. Somewhere behind the scenes there’s a producer who still lives with his mom, jerking off all over the monitor and congratulating himself on the success of his evil plan to get a bunch of girls naked in front of him, all in the name of love. So not cool.
And what’s with the final shot of them – Losty (who was basically cut out of the photo), Andi and JP? The black strips everywhere clearly covered up the glimpses of Losty’s vagine and what I can only assume were Juan Pablo’s cojones because they weren’t appropriate for TV, but does this mean that if you order the actual calendar you’re going to get the close-up of Bachelor sac and more muff than you bargained for in a dog calendar? So confusing.
Other stand-outs – love Chelsie – especially for her ‘what’s up , Bitches’ comment and I’m a bit concerned that people seem to be coming down hard on her next week, but I’m confident she’ll last a while. You could definitely also feel the heat with Renée.
Night time rolls around and I should honestly just save time and transcribe everything Victoria uttered from the moment they arrived. I’m not sure what line wins for my favourite for the night –was it the ‘I’m not a dog, I’m just a bitch,’ line? No…too easy. I think it would have to be when she displayed her innate intuitiveness and revealed in a sea of drunken slurs, that she likes fun, and if there’s one thing Juan Pablo likes – it’s fun. After all… ‘that’s what life is all about…straddling people…and things.’ Just Awesome. I think we all learned something from Victoria last night too – when performing the hymen maneuver on someone, it’s important to straddle them. Actually, makes sense, no? Thanks, Victoria. You’ve done your part for society. I think Kelly said it best when she mustered up her best mean girl voice and revealed that Victoria’s antics just make the other girls look better. Can’t argue with that logic.
While Renée was attempting to calm the two year old that was Victoria (I swear her adamant ‘No!’ sounded alarmingly similar to me asking my daughter to put on her pajamas. Or brush her teeth. Or not fart loudly and laugh at inappropriate times), Cassandra (who is 21???) was for some reason, terrified of telling Juan Pablo that she has her own two year old. Um, I think at this point we can agree that Juan Pablo gets it up for just about any single mom. Sure Renée could have kissed him during her one-on-one time but really, what is hotter than a five minute conversation about the shape of your daughter’s letter I? They probably would have both climaxed if they discussed the whole alphabet.
I think we can all agree that Renée went above and beyond this week, especially when she slid under the door of a public washroom in her dress just to comfort the quickly sinking ship that was Victoria. Seriously? Why don’t you just pour some dip into the tampon waste and grab some nachos? It’s time for Renee to put herself (and her hygiene) first.
After Juan Pablo actually leaves the girls with the task of mopping Victoria up off the bathroom floor, the night comes to a close. The next morning, we endure a way-too-long scene when JP gives Victoria the boot as she insincerely apologize – ‘I guess I should say I’m sorry’? Really?
The cocktail party was pretty chill – love that he picked Amy to chat with right away and gave her the courtesy of some time since she didn’t get a date. Don’t love that we had to watch her lip twitch as she was interviewing him. Breaking News, Amy – he’s just not that into you.
Sharleen sort of redeemed herself by apologizing and showing a flicker of normalcy here and there – even attempting humour by saying ‘sure’ again (this time with eyes that weren’t dead) when he offered her a rose.
Roses are given out to a whole bunch of girls (don’t make me repeat them) and we say goodbye to Amy and Chantal – poor Chantal. She had such a huge crush on him and usually the minorities last for at least a few weeks – I think Danielle bought herself at least one extra week by straightening her hair last night, but only time will tell.
Though the plan was to write this last night and get it out early today, I was just too tired and surprisingly, I managed to fall asleep quickly, despite my husband being out of town (which usually means I lay awake waiting for the completely rational and inevitable gang rape expected to occur around 2 AM ). So I guess you’ll be reading this over lunch, not breakfast.
Next week, I’m sure I’ll be tuning into watch all the past Bachelor couples showcase their utter happiness on Sunday before we discover that Sharleen is in actual fact, a whore, on Monday. Something to look forward to, right?
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