Okay, okay, okay. So I have been a little lazy this season. The old me would have found the time to nitpick at every single episode, whether my husband was out of town, my kids were driving me to the brink of insanity or my sister was having a baby (that’s where I was last week – not like holding up a stirrup or anything gross like that, but chilling in the waiting room with my fam).
But you know what? The old me also LOVED this show. The old me waited with baited breath for the new cast of Bachelor Pad to be announced every summer. The old me actually believed that these relationships were real (okay fine, that’s a stretch). And where are we now? Bachelor Pad is gone, so we can kiss my dream of finally being discovered and asked to hand-select an upcoming cast personally goodbye. This season sorta blows (sorry Dez, but you were much cuter in small doses – as was your fashion sense), and we all know that regardless of what happens next week, there’s a good chance we’ll forget about her before the royal baby’s first solid poo is photographed for all the world to see.
Anyhow, the end is near peeps, and – wait for it – I will also not be around next week. That’s right – heading up to the cottage for a week and unless my tech-genius husband can find some way for us to stream this in my black hole of a country getaway, it’s not looking good. Maybe I’ll surprise you, or maybe you’ll have to wait an extra week to hear my thoughts on the finale. Maybe. I’m like 70% upset at the thought of not watching it that night and blogging as usual. I mean, I do care, people. But, not as much.
Though I didn’t blog about last week’s episode, I still did watch it, and had I not been as busy (lazy) as I was, perhaps I would have thrown a few thoughts together. Like for example, maybe I would have drawn attention to the fact that Zak, in all his snow-cone truck-driving glory was about one paper cone away from single-handedly being responsible for juvenile diabetes – what would Michael say??? And perhaps said sugar overdose is responsible for the Ritalin-infused gang that was Zak’s family, except for his mom, who reminded me of Betsey Johnson, (but in a cute way, not in a how many hundreds of years old are you and do you have pink feathers instead of pubes kinda way). Poor Zak. Though I wanted to hide under a pillow while listening to his family harmonize that song, I will also admit that of course, I thought it was borderline pretty and maybe had a small lump in my throat. I actually really like Zak and it was sad knowing he would be the one to go. Dare I say, I think he would make a good Bachelor?
We all knew Drew’s hometown would be a tear-jerker. Let’s just call a spade a spade here, people. From the moment he graced our TVs with his adorable smile to his heartfelt description of what it must be like for his sister Melissa to feel, but not be able to express her emotions (which really made me sit back and think for a moment) to the amazing bond between him and his father, to the fierceness with which he showers Dez with love, I mean come on. The guy had us at hello. When his father told Dez that day she had met an angel, and that angel was Melissa (even though that angel was not allowed to join them for dinner), I was a blubbering mess.
If I wasn’t on the Chris train before…well… I’m still not. I don’t even know how to express my feelings about Chris’s visit. Besides the obvious ‘what’s up with his mom?’, how about a quick game of ‘How inappropriate is this?’ Let’s see now. How inappropriate is it to violently prod your son’s nose with a hammer while casually shooting the breeze about the ladies when you could easily partake in, oh, I don’t know, a glass of single malt or a round of golf like any other normal father and son??? VERY INAPPROPRIATE. How inappropriate is it to play doctor with your son’s girlfriend in your basement and graze her looch, or jerk her off by the neck and claim that it’s good for emotional stress? MODERATELY TO SEVERELY INAPPROPRIATE. Gross. Just. Ew.
And then there’s Brooks’ date. By the end of last week’s episode, I was really not quite sure why this season is still even going on. In fact, if they wanted to improve ratings (which clearly they’re in desperate need of), how about just shutting the operation down? Have Dez just say to Chris ‘you know what? I don’t need a fantasy date. I don’t need him to meet my fam. I know it’s him. Just get Neil Lane down here and let’s gitter’dun. THAT would have been the most shocking episode ever in Bachelorette history. Seriously. She has already flat out said like 38 times, that it’s Brooks. What are we even doing still watching this show? No really, what?
We’re watching because we can’t not watch. We even know it won’t work out in the end but we are so damn invested.
So even though I have claimed every week, that I’m bored by the season and I field a minimum of 18 texts every week with friends dropping like flies and throwing in the towel, here I found myself tonight, tuning into watch the Men Tell All.
Here I sat, noting one of the most unattractive studio audiences ever to grace national television.
Here I sat, silently thinking ‘you’re welcome’ as Chris Harrison thanks us – the Bachelor Nation – for sticking around and watching as he and Dez crashed some random viewing parties.
Here I sat wondering how said people at said viewing parties could ever possibly hear well enough to confidently say they are enjoying the episode. I would be the loser in the corner telling everyone to ‘SSSHHHH!!!!!”
Here I sat silently mocking the random guys sitting cross-legged on the floor of these parties, holding their glasses of chardonnay and silently hoping that sitting through two hours of the show would at least score them a BJ, if not at bare minimum, a massage to get rid of the leg cramps that men in their twenties and thirties suffer when being forced to participate in Circle Time.
And here I sat thinking at first it was cute that Ashley and JP joined in on the fun, but then thinking it was sort of weird that Ashley and JP and Trista, and Molly and Jason just showed up at someone’s apartment in New York. I’m wondering how much they got paid for these appearances. For the right price, I can be flown to New York for a little breaking and entering too, you know. Just puttin’ it out there.
Obviously Dez relies heavily on people from seasons past to help guide her on her journey. Where would she be without Jackie’s wise words and binoculars from a few episodes ago, and certainly she’d be lost without Ali’s reliving of ‘Rated R’s’ pathetic limping departure through a garden once she found out he had a girlfriend. I have to agree with Ali, that Ben really didn’t seem so bad (and James) and I was kinda surprised to see her throw him under the bus later on in the episode when she claimed she thought he was insincere all along.
By the time Chris introduced the guys, I was checking the time and wondering just how late I’d have to stay up to type this thing since I have another morning meeting and I knew you guys would pretty much murder me if I skipped another week.
I was happy to see Juan Pablo finally getting some screen time (and clearly I’m not alone in these feelings.). So much of the footage shown of him was new to me and it made me want my own little piece of Brazilian barbecue even more (he is Brazilian, right?). There’s no doubt he would make a great (and popular!) bachelor. We know he’s got the single tear trickling down covered. What more do you need? But just one request – can I call him JP? The only thing that tainted Juan Pablo’s screen time last night for me was when Michael continued to bud in while he spoke.
Did anyone ask you to speak, Michael? No. No they did not. So go back to your seat, and let’s just roll the footage of you sliding by every week as you get called last at every rose ceremony and be done with it. Honestly. Ew.
The memory of Jonathan, the fantasy suite rapist brought a giggle back. Man I miss that guy.
And of course, Brian didn’t show up. He’s probably hanging out with Bentley and the other douche-ginas (yep just coined that term right now. Pretty much a douchebag that can be a dick until it’s time to face the music and then pussies out because he’s afwaid of a wittle thing called a woom full of angwy women.) You like it? It’s yours.
And speaking of douche-ginas, I’m so glad that we got to relive Ben wearing his pink shorts and spaghetti strap tank top. I pretty much cringed through his whole interview but it was mostly from the footage of Michael at the two-on-one dinner passive-agressively harassing Ben about not going to church on Easter while he chewed with his mouth open like an old man eating egg salad with loose dentures in Florida. The whole Dan emerging from a vat of spray tan liquid and dropping the bomb that somehow Ben’s baby mama cornered him in Vegas (as if anyone would recognize Dan) to spew out information sort of threw me for a loop, but it added a nice little garnish to Ben’s time in the hotseat, no?
And then there’s James. All I could think of the whole time James was in the hot seat was can we PLEASE just move on from this? How much time must we spend discussing this one stupid little conversation in a van, down by the river??? Who cares!?! No one will ever know exactly what was said. No one will ever know James’ true intentions. No one can deny that the Atlantic City date was really special and that despite James being a bit too tank-esque for my taste, he has an adorable smile. What we really need to do in this situation, is join forces and find a way to do our part for humanity. And that is pool our money together right now to buy poor Mikey a new friggin’ suit. Because even on this episode, he was still wearing that purple shirt and grey jacket. Seriously???? I have four dollars. What about you?
And then there’s Zak. I said it above, but again, I really feel for the guy. Like seriously. I’m officially voting for him to be the next Bachelor. Mock me if you will, but he deserves to find love and since there were slim pickin’s in the studio audience, why not give him a shot? As long as he doesn’t sing. Because I really don’t get why every guy that sings on this show all of a sudden develops a southern twang and I also find that his songs end really abruptly. So singing aside, let’s give this guy a shot at love.
When Dez finally came out, (actually looking great!) it was almost like an after-thought. But she made quick work of the guys – calling Jonathan a disgrace to men everywhere, telling Ben he was insincere and James a manipulator before she was sent back to the green room.
Before we went into the ‘sneak peek’ of the finale, consisting of about 96% footage we have seen 48 times before, we were ‘entertained’ by the bloopers and of course, the major standout for me was the fact that they did indeed have to shoot Chris Harrison saying the name of the German hotel a million time, just like I called it in this post here. A friggin genius is what I am.
I haven’t read the spoilers, but obviously all along I’ve been thinking she ends up with Brooks (because she’s told us this). But, I am now thinking that Brooks decides she’s not the one for him, and since she’s made it clear multiple times that it’s him she wants to be with, she must decide she can’t go forward with this sham and pick one of the other guys so she ends it right there. The limo footage of Brooks leaving is him in a t-shirt, where the other guys in the limos are wearing suits (I know, I am like the best detective EVAH). Frankly, if it happens any other way, like if Brooks leaves and then she defaults and picks Drew, well, that just isn’t right. How is Drew going to feel re-watching the season and hearing her talk about how much she loves Brooks, right?
I have high hopes for the finale – because even Chris admitted he has basically lied in the past and this really is the most intense finale ever. Don’t get me wrong. I like Dez. I have nothing against her, other than she’s a boring bachelorette, but it sort of has me thinking, maybe it’s not so much her, but it’s bachelorettes is general. Sad to say, but while I do enjoy the eye candy of the seasons of the Bachelorette, when it’s a season of the Bachelor (gems like Bentley aside obviously), the drama is just so much better – there’s just so much more…sparkle. I really do have only high hopes for Dez that this works out in her favour and I really don’t want to see her heartbroken, but I am also intrigued by the idea of finally being entertained this season – even if it is the finale. Better late than never, right?
Till next week!
….or…the week after…see how I did that?