So the good news is that I figured out how to actually be entertained by another episode of The Bachelorette and, being the extremely generous person that I am, obviously I’m going to share it. It’s really very simple and I’m not quite sure why I hadn’t thought of it before. To think that episodes one through five could have been spent this way, and it took me this long to figure it out really is a shame – but here it is. You ready? Get drunk before the show even starts.
I’m serious. Like not pour yourself a refreshing summer bevvie and take quiet reserved sips while enjoying the witty banter surrounding you. I’m not even talking about partaking in Bachelorette drinking games and taking a shot every time someone says journey, ready for love, here for Desiree or any number of such phrases. I’m talking chug a few good solid glassed of red while your friends and their kids are chilling in your back yard to the point where you’re watching your three year old dangle precariously from the top of the slide and all you can do is muster up a slurred version of the word ‘don’t!’ from your spot nowhere close enough to catch her if she falls. Yep, that kinda ‘surprise I’m wasted!’ school night drunk.
The only drawback to this strategy is passing out in the middle of your bedtime ritual later that night or the inevitable point about a third of the way through the episode when you realize, dammit, now I’m just tired. Can’t I just go to bed? Crap.
Oh well, it was still fun for a while.
I’d like to say that this will be short, because quite frankly, I have other things I really need to be doing right now and because since last night’s episode sucked pretty much just as badly (if not worse) than the other episodes. But usually, when this is the case, I end up writing more than normal, perhaps to compensate the loyal Bachelor Nation for the lack of entertainment they received while actually watching the show. What can I say? It’s my way of giving back.
So last night’s tribute to James, while somewhat eventful, was still, sigh, boring. To be honest, I agreed with James on many points. Is it possible that he has an agenda? Sure. Is he evil and sinister, like Michael claims? Hardly.
Let’s just put everyone here out of their misery and do a good old fashion Top Ten list for last night’s episode. What should we call it? Top ten awkward moments? Top ten pieces of proof that Michael is a big, drama-infused vagina? Top ten moments where I wanted to stab myself, or eat an entire bag of cookies, not necessarily in that order? How about Top 10 things I should write about so I can move on with my life? Okay, here goes:
1) Though I’ve already mentioned it, in case I wasn’t making myself clear, Michael is a big vagina. I can’t stand pretty much anything about him, including, but not limited to; his use of the phrase ‘quite frankly’, his sulky demeanor, his constant instigation of a fight, his giant man boobs, his ability to bud into every friggin’ conversation in the house, his patronizing tone, his soccer socks, his close-talking (I thought he was actually going to climb into Chris’s lap when they were confronting James for the first time), his abundant overuse of justice system-related terminology, his delusional belief that he has made any form of progress with Dez, his extreme exaggeration of just how bad a situation is (for example calling James illogical and irrational for his onslaught of obscenities and profanities as if they were trapped in the cuckoo’s nest instead of hanging out on a balcony in Barcelona)…oh I could go on and on. I was utterly shocked that Dez kept him when she had to let a whopping three guys go. That’s a lot of guys, no? This late in the season? Clearly the producers were telling her to clean house a bit and clearly the reason why Michael stayed is because he is their one pathetic attempt at creating drama. Though there is no chance Dez and Michael have any chemistry or connection, you can pretty much guarantee that where there’s Michael, there’s a whiny bitch.
2) Boy, that Drew sure can take us through a whirlwind of emotions in one date, no? From the romantic beginning, with the whole I’ve been waiting to kiss you line (at which point Dez doesn’t even let him finish his sentence but rather, engulfs his face) to the sad but inspiring tale of his alcoholic, cancer-plagued dad (guess that cat’s outta the bag!), to the HOT, Arie-esque alleyway kiss, the cringe-worthy moments where he A) used the phrase ‘guitaristas’ (is that really a word?) and B) where he basically cock-blocked himself by finishing an amazing evening and hot make-out session with the total buzz-kill that James was a secret, lying, douchebag. Bummer.
3) Speaking of James. Poor, misunderstood James. First off, let me say that I am not necessarily on board with the guys on this one. Is it poor taste to voice your odds of becoming the Bachelor while still on the Bachelorette? Perhaps. But is James sinister and evil, like (shock of all shocks) Michael claims him to be? Hardly. I really don’t understand while all the guys had their panties in a knot over this situation, other than maybe the fact that they were threatened by James, and needed something to get him out with. What’s so wrong about contemplating life after the show on the odd chance that it doesn’t work out with Dez and acknowledging that you will likely go home, and move on? Why do the guys think that the only way he can show his commitment to Dez and the process is by thinking only about Dez from the minute he wakes up until the minute he goes to sleep? What is wrong with these guys? Poor James already wears dress shirts tucked in with flip flops and had to squeeze onto the tiniest, most awkward man sandwich loveseat ever on more than one occasion. Hasn’t he suffered enough?
4) Gotta love it when a girl’s athletic team takes down a bunch of cocky guys. Baking cookies, my ass. Just sayin’.
5) The fashion crimes: Namely, Kasey’s sleeveless cardigan/sweatshirt combo (huh???), Juan Pablo’s parachute pants and belly top during the soccer game (even your accent and the mention of your daughter can’t save you from this one, buddy) and James’s tit sweat when he had his heart to heart with Dez (which mysteriously disappeared by the time he got back to the guys).
6) Things that are just not working for me; stilettos on cobblestone (never a good idea), Zak’s spray tan (he was doing so well last week and then he had to go and have a one-on-one with a can of orange paint before his one-on-one with Dez), paler-than-pale nude models, Chris’ Harrison’s attempt at a twist by revealing – gasp! – there’s no cocktail party this week.
7) The entire awkward exchange between the group after James grazes Michael’s knee trying to squish himself onto that tiny couch – is this the only room the guys are allowed to hang out in? That whole scene was just comical. Between Michael’s pursed lips as he asked Brooks to move over while James settled himself in, to Dez walking in totally oblivious and all like ‘OMG are you guys having fun??? Yes, Dez. Nine guys are crammed into seating for four, the air has a thick fog of tension and rage and the only thing relieving the awkwardness is Zak bragging about his date with you. Good times.
8) The poetry. Please just make it stop.
9) The one on one date with Zak. He finally got his time and used it well. But does anyone else think it’s super awkward to walk into a cave and just have a main course sitting there waiting for you? I mean obviously, they didn’t eat it, but still…
10) Honestly, I got nothin. I fear for the future of this season. I fear for the future of this blog. I fear for the future of humanity goddammit. I know what’s up. I know this isn’t my best work. If you’re reading this blog for the first time and thinking, meh, this isn’t that great, find a different post! I’m funnier than this, I swear! But I’m really struggling this season, people and we all need to look inside ourselves and stick together. Even though the previews for the rest of the season look pretty damn promising and dramatic, how can we be sure we aren’t being played? Since I doubt this week’s post has entertained you to the degree that you deserve, here’s a little something new from the babefromtheburbs and trust me, you’ll thank me.
Dessagna: That’s right, it’s a recipe. What kind of recipe? It’s a friggin’ dessert lasagna, that’s what kind. It’s the perfect thing to offer to make when you get invited to any sort of summer gathering. It’s that good. And it’s that easy. Don’t even wait to be told ‘you can bring dessert’. You need to own it and be all like, ‘I’m bringing dessert, yo. That shit’s my jam. Get some other chump to make a salad.’ People will whisper about you in a corner. ‘How does she do it’?’, they’ll ask each other, jealous that you can raise such perfect children, look so damn fabulous each and every day, arrive early, never look disheveled and of course, bring the #1 crowd-pleasing dessert to the party. I got this recipe from an ex-colleague at an office summer potluck and while I did leave that job recently with many battle scars, this recipe softens the pain just a bit. So here it is: Dessert Lasagna.
- 1 Foil Lasagna Pan (or really any big rectangular dish, but foil means you can leave it and avoid eating all the leftovers in secret over a period of a few days and also that there is no dish for you to wash when you get home. So go with foil.)
- A package of Skor Bits or toffee bits or whatever ‘bit’ you’re into.
- 24 Ice Cream Sandwiches
- Caramel sauce (the ice cream sundae squeeze bottle is good)
- 1-2 Tubs of cool whip. I used the fat free kind…cuz that makes it a healthy choice, right?
Directions: Line bottom of pan with ice cream sandwiches (you may need to cut some down to fit perfectly. Smear a thick layer of cool whip on top. Sprinkle generously with Skor bits. Drizzle generously with caramel sauce. Repeat layers.
That is it. Freeze it until about 20 minutes before serving. Cut it into squares, when serving. Like a lasagna. Get it? Sweet. You’re welcome. Till next week! God help us.