So there you have it. We can no longer simply ‘watch the finale’, people. Nosiree. We can no longer just put on our jammies, twist off that wine cap and settle in for a night of uterus-burning laptop fun. Now we have to participate in a ‘Bachelor event’. And apparently, a historic one at that. A historic event full of teasers promising earth-shattering news (like – wait for it – an upcoming TV wedding – never saw that one coming) or the exciting reveal of who the next Bachelorette will be (um…Chris? I hate to break this to you buddy, but I read about Desiree last week in about fourteen different news outlets – were you the last to know???)
There was nothing much that truly surprised us with last night, and that especially goes for who ultimately received Sean’s final rose. So on that note, let me just say I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry I teased just a little too much in my blogs that I had heard rumours Catherine won. I really don’t read spoilers, but for some reason this season, I felt like it was almost no secret who was chosen, and the news was just out there, so maybe I was just a bit too casual in dropping those bombs throughout my blogs. If you’re one of my readers who faithfully comes to me for Bachelor guidance and whose minds are untainted by evil geniuses who seem to see all beforehand, then truly. I’m sorry if I ruined it for you. I heart you. Don’t leave me. I won’t do it again.
Anyhoo…let’s just get some overall thoughts out of the way. I think we can all agree that last night’s finale was one of the most sincerely emotional, if not the most, well, in Bachelor history. I mean I literally cried through at least half of it, and I pretty much took no notes and noticed no funny shit while watching. Am I losing my touch?
Somewhere between boring and beautiful is probably where I’d put this episode on the virtual Bachelor bookshelf in my mind. During the boring points, I focused on random things, like how I really don’t like the font they use onscreen to list places, ages and the girls’ names. And during the beautiful points, like pretty much every minute with Sean’s dad, I chocked back my sobs while I could feel my husband stifling his laughter on the couch near me. That is, before he fell asleep.
So we start the episode with Sean being lovingly greeted by his adorable family. Sean’s sister Shay, who looks way better this time around than the day she came to meet Tierra, wastes no time setting false expectations for her young , impressionable son, with the announcement that they are going to ‘go pick out a girl for Uncle Seany’ Um…yes, that’s certainly one way you could technically put this process. However, unless you want to teach your son that he gets to go ‘pick out a girl’ when he grows up and is good and ready for marriage, like choosing the pick of the letter in a pet store, or better yet, choosing from a lovely range of ladies in windows surrounded by red lights, you might want to rethink those words. Parent to parent, just a thought.
It doesn’t really matter because all is forgotten as we witness those adorable children roasting their uncle and bringing back fond memories if him getting dumped by Emily. Sean proceeds to tell his family why he and Catherine click, highlighting that fact that they’re both weird and funny together and funny enough, his dad isn’t buying it; ‘I didn’t know you were weird and funny, son,’ says his father. I knew it!
Catherine arrives, her hair caught in a wave of humidity, and we move into all the typical makings of the ‘meet the family’ date. The sit-com dinner table is perfectly half set so we can awkwardly observe their interactions, and we learn all of the intricacies of their relationship that apparently consisted of secret love notes about the shape of each other’s fingernails, laughter and eating. Hmm…laughter and eating, eh? Maybe I do like this Catherine girl, after all. That shit’s my jam, yo.
Though Catherine seems to be charming the pants off of the fam, Sean’s mom is clearly having a bit of a hard time with it. The poor woman is drenched in a shiny layer of sweat that I don’t even think could be tamed by blotting papers and she’s choking down the lump in her throat as the clocks tick by.
When Sean’s dad Jay and Catherine sat down for their heart-to-heart, I wasn’t expecting to be bawling three minutes later. I can’t imagine how much it meant to her to hear that Jay would be like a father to her, considering the presence her own father had in her life, and the fact that he’s a big fat abandoner.
When it was time for Lindsay’s date, I just started to feel sick. The girl is so friggin’ in love with Sean, and knowing how painfully this would end just broke my heart for her. I could still see Lindsay fitting into Sean’s family much more seamlessly than Catherine, even if it’s all over and done with now. So Lindsay arrives, looking adorable as usual, and with a quick spank on the ass, Sean leads her inside.
She certainly wasted no time making the right impression on Mom and Dad. From telling Sean’s mom that they’d wait until they were married to live together (logistically brilliant since you’ll be moving to Dallas to be…his neighbor?) and playing the prayer card for his dad, I really thought she had it all wrapped up. And then once again, his dad breaks into his ‘from the day Sean was born, his mother and I began to pray for his wife’, story and I honestly just lost it. I’m not a very religious person, but in that moment, I found the whole idea of actually, consciously, praying for your children’s happiness to be just beautiful. Of course, every parent lives and breathes those hopes every minute of every day, but there was something so special about his words. Screw Chris Harrison, dammit! I want Sean’s dad to host the Bachelor. Facebook group much?
Sean’s mom seems again to be overwhelmed by the idea of losing her son to a proposal, and potentially watching him endure a heartbreak like he did with Emily, so he tries his best to avoid hitting the cameraman hiding in the tree while they walk and calm her nerves (for the love of god, get this woman some lemonade!) while she convinces him to choose no one. I wholeheartedly agree with her argument, mind you. He is clearly torn and in love with both women, as every Bachelor and Bachelorette seems to be. If I were one of the final two, I’m really not sure if I could say yes to a proposal by a man who was in love with someone else the day before. Call me old fashioned that way.
Even as Lindsay does her signature pout out the door, Sean is marvelling at how in love with her he is and how she’s the piece that he’s been missing. Really? WTF. He takes the obligatory soul-searching balcony time to ready himself for his final two dates, and it’s off to the races.
Lindsay goes first and let me just say I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look hotter in cut-offs and a tank top before. What is her body? Did anyone else out there have a sudden overwhelming urge to hit the gym followed by another more overwhelming urge to eat chocolate and get drunk? No? Just me?
Lindsay’s date with Sean was honestly nothing short of perfect. What’s to say? They were all over each other, completely enveloped by each other, laughing, staring longingly into each other’s eyes, talking about how they’d look as a hot old couple and then, Lindsay pulled out the lantern move. Good on her for not making him some cheesy decoupage treasure box or scrapbook of their ‘journey’. I think the whole lantern thing was really sweet, and honestly, ever since I saw the movie Tangled (four thousand times), I pretty much can’t see a lantern without crying. It’s just so damn beautiful! This time was no different.
I’m wondering how Sean and Catherine’s date could have topped Lindsay’s, and let me go on record, that I don’t think it did. Sure the elephant thing was awesome (except where I noticed how gnarly Sean’s toes were) and truthfully I couldn’t help wondering if she was receiving more pleasure involuntarily gyrating on the elephant’s back than she had from Sean all season. But, I’ve heard from many friends who have been to Thailand how sad these elephant parks are, and how they’re nothing but tourist traps where the elephants are abused and forced to do random non-elephant-like things like paint pictures by holding a paintbrush in their trunks. So it made me kinda sad for them too.
The rest of the date was fun enough, and I think we were all ready to wish Catherine congratufuckinglations for finally telling Sean (albeit at the last possible second) that she actually loves him instead of that she’s ‘falling in love with him’. I could hear the poor thing’s heartbeat exploding out of her chest, especially as Sean reciprocated with ‘thanks for today.’ I almost don’t blame her for running after Sean after he left, though I really found the whole interaction super-weird. I wish she’d run that fast to a hairdresser and take care of those split ends.
I’d love to get a chance to read the contracts these Bachelors have to sign that must very carefully outline exactly how far you’re allowed to verbalize your feelings. You can say ‘I love your dress’, but not ‘I love you’. You can talk about buying a house together and growing old together but you can’t admit this is an actual probability. You can kiss her where she pees, but you can’t be honest about your feelings.
As Sean was shown getting ready for his big day with Neil Lane and the ladies by moisturizing (yeah right – what guy moisturizes?), Chris Harrison kills time by asking a bunch of awkward fans what they think of the outcome (as if people in that room didn’t read the spoilers).
When Sean met with Neil Lane the only thing I could think of when he finally picked out the stunning cushion cut ring, surrounded by diamonds, with diamonds all along the band, was poor, poor AshLee. If I’m not mistaken, this is the exact ring she described to Sean that she’d want. I bet she was about ready to punch herself in the face watching that scene unfold. I actually thought Chris Harrison was going to bring it up to her when he interviewed her basically to get her to admit on camera that she was in fact, boring. It still would have been better listening to that than listening to Leslie try to make up yet another catch-phrase. The couple that multiplies together stays together? What does that even mean? You know that saying ‘you know what they say’? ‘They’ is not you, Leslie. Give up the dream. Just speak.
Finally, blissfully, we’re near the end. Once again, the dresses selected for the finale (gold versus silver? what is this, the Olympics?) are nothing short of brutal. I don’t understand who picks these dresses. Do they bring in a special stylist just for those? Because most of what the girls wore this season was fine, but then once again, these finale frocks just put me over the edge. Are we trying to promote a local Thai designer? Was it in your agreement with the Thai tourism board? I know I’ve said this before, but I’m still traumatized by Courtney and Lindsay’s horrific velvet capes from Ben’s season and it’s the only explanation that helps me sleep at night.
We start with Lindsay, making her way in her matchy-matchy silver sparkly stilettos over what might as well have been a pathful of jello, grass and hot coals. Do they not consider terrain when they’re choosing these ensembles? The last thing she needs when she’s being sent home with a broken heart is a broken ankle too.
My heart pretty much shattered as Lindsay realized where Sean was headed with his speech, even as he admitted he loved her (definitely a first for a Bachelor to say to his #2). She dropped his hand, and looked away and you could see her entire vision of ‘what she always wanted’ (could we hear that phrase one more time?) slipping away. I think Lindsay’s reaction to Sean was probably my favourite Bachelor rejection of all time. Her endearing sincerity, her innocent lack of understanding, her begging of him to stop talking and her funny ‘So…I’m gonna go now…cuz…this is really painful’. And can I get an Amen for the girl taking off those stupid shoes to get away from Sean? Poor thing. ‘I went to Thailand to find love and all I got were these lousy tranny pumps.’
The letter was as anticlimactic as we knew it would be – another sorely over-promoted Bachelor moment. And then in a completely different extreme, when Catherine arrives, again, begging for a haircut and wearing an equally brutal ensemble, she looks on the verge of completely shitting herself as Sean makes his way through his final speech. I don’t even think I fully watched the scene to be honest, as I was still too sad for Lindsay to enjoy the moment. And when the episode ended, and the two of them jetted off on the elephant (Catherine sporting an alarming face rash), my thoughts weren’t of joy or excitement for them, but rather a hope that maybe we could switch it up next season and go with a hydrangea, or a tulip, or a peony.
There is almost nothing to say about After the Final Rose. Chris’s big announcements were no more news than the fact that girls like seeing Sean with his shirt off. And Chris is excited not to see Sean naked anymore? Sure, buddy.
I’m sure poor Lindsay appreciated being referred to as ‘business they needed to get to’ before Sean could bring Catherine on stage and though my friggin PVR cut off, basically missing all of Lindsay’s interview, I still managed to get enough info to know that a) she looked adorable and I wonder if they purposely put her in ivory lace and Catherine in black lace or if that was just a coincidence, b) she was very gracious and sweet – almost too sweet and c) I wonder if her father is going to round up some of his army buddies and kill Sean.
And then Catherine comes out and we get to watch the giddy couple talk about being in love and being excited to hold hands (about all they’re going to do until they’re married, right?). At times, it looked like Sean’s mind was wandering and to be honest, I still don’t know if I truly buy them as a couple, but then again, it’s not for me to decide, right? They seem happy, and if anyone’s going to make the right choice, I have to believe it would be Sean, right?
There really isn’t any need to go into how Dez is the bachelorette because honestly, that news is so last week, and I’m really not sure why they didn’t just announce it at The Women Tell All. Hopefully, her brother won’t ruin it for her, hopefully she’ll find an awesome guy and keep her adorable demeanor and hopefully, she’ll leave her black pantyhose at home (you know how I feel about that.)
So here we are, wishing good luck to Sean and Catherine on their life together and their upcoming TV nuptials (breaking news my ass). It’s been a long journey, I’m not gonna lie and after this season, I think we’re all due for a strong dose of Bachelor Pad. Wishful thinking for now and let’s not beat around the bush, I’ll probably take a little break and let Monday nights open up again for potential dinners out with the girls. But you never know, I may just surprise you (and myself) and get off my lazy ass to write before then. Like me on Facebook so you don’t miss a moment of my brilliance: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Babefromtheburbs/196649130382234
Thanks for reading! And…out.