Well, what can I say? The dream is gone. I knew within a few minutes of the episode starting last night, that AshLee’s end was near. And it made me so, very, sad.
I knew it as soon as they replayed all those beautiful moments between them – the blindfold, him carrying her, her talking about how he’s opened her up to love, he’s set her free, he’s the wind beneath her wings…okay maybe I made that one up.
I guess it sort of goes without saying that as the weeks progress, the decisions get harder and harder to make. This week, with AshLee’s more-than-usual display of neediness, it was quite obvious this one would be a heart-breaker for Sean as much as her.
Yet here we were in beautiful (or amazing, magical and majestic Thailand if you’re quoting ‘Chris Harrison’ from the fantasy suite cards). The episode opens with a true Bachelor montage – haven’t had one of these in a while. Now that we’re so close to the end, it’s important for the producers to demonstrate Sean’s deep, serious commitment to this process by showing us how much thought he has given everything. He thinks in a row boat. He thinks in a hammock. He thinks at a swim-up bar. He thinks at a fountain. He thinks while blinking excessively. And what’s the common thread here? He’s doing it all in a tank top. A bright blue, meavage (man cleavage)-revealing, classic Ray-Ban wearing, Miami Vice tributing, mother effin’ tank top. Not a fan.
But even with all that thinking, I still didn’t feel that my question has been answered; what exactly does a born again virgin do in a fantasy suite? Three words come to mind, people. Just The Tip.
So after a good few minutes of Sean sporting his pecs through the side of his tank while tackling his deepest emotions, we take a stroll down memory lane – and oh how far we’ve come. There’s Sean’s vision of the American dream he’s been living with AshLee (a dream that is now dead); there’s the look of horror on Sean’s face, captured for all eternity when Lindsay emerges from the limo wearing a wedding gown and then there’s…a close-up of Sean and Catherine kissing while a lone booger clings to the inside of his nostril? Awesome.
Lindsay gets the first date of the week and as we get closer to the end, I like her more and more. What I had started to realize, was that despite AshLee being a perfect ‘fit’ for Sean morally and an easy addition to his life, not to mention having a smokin’ hot body that just isn’t fair, she lacked the sense of fun and playfulness that Sean is looking for. Even though he isn’t the funniest guy ever he’s still looking for a girl that will make him laugh and that he can be silly with, and with AshLee it would have been a lot of gazing into each other’s eyes. So Lindsay is actually a great balance for him. And I don’t really know why I’m even saying this because I fear he doesn’t pick her in the finale anyways.
Sean and Lindsay get whisked off on their date in a tuk tuk, which apparently had no room to fit a tiny camera other than right up against Sean’s sac. Really, you couldn’t find anywhere else to put it?
The sac cam captures them heading off to the local market (can you imagine how Tierra would have done on this date?) and experience some of the local goods including some pretty cracked out (yet fiercely adorable) little painted chicks. What the hell do people do with those things?
I can only imagine the deep seeded food-borne illnesses wafting around that place. I get the whole ‘when in Rome’ mantra, and I know this is how it’s done over there and it’s been working so far, but I can’t help but compare my own grocery store, where meat is packaged and kept in refrigerated cases, with defrosting, cooking and storing instructions at every turn, to this market, where full sides of animals (notice I didn’t specify which ones) are glistening under the sun’s hot rays, with nary an ice chip to be found. It’s pretty clear that Sean and Lindsay stuck to the vegetarian delicacies. Seriously, who wants to spend their last one on one date puking out of both ends?
It doesn’t even matter how their date actually went, because once you film people in sunset, all is right with the world. Could there be a more flattering, or romantic time of day to capture someone on film? How can I arrange it so that it is always sunset, just on me, wherever I go? Sean could have been telling Lindsay that he’s going to go home and kill her family and it would have been a beautiful moment thanks to that sunset. That, and the fact that she didn’t even have rolls when she was crouched down feeding the monkeys. Bitch.
The night time portion arrives, and Lindsay, wearing a Naughty Nurse type dress that looks like it was made from recycled baseballs is deeply tortured by her inability to get the words out that she loves Sean. She spends all night squealing over the most contrived romantic setting possibly in Bachelor history – think about it – they made floral designs in the grass and perched them in the middle of a field of floats – (huh?), all the while tortured by her need to tell Sean how she really feels as she desperately tries with some sort of weird sign language to tell him with her eyebrows. After accepting the fantasy suite card (and going back to the biggest fantasy suite shaft in Bachelor history (anyone else think it looked pretty much like a regular hotel room?), she finally has the courage to tell him how she feels. And it’s awkward. Big time awkward. But it doesn’t seem to matter much because Sean doesn’t hesitate to tell her how excited he is to pick out a house with her. Leading on much?
The next day, AshLee and Sean gear up for their one on one date, or what I fondly refer to as the Blair Witch date. I totally get Sean wanting to exercise his ability to take care of his woman and show AshLee she doesn’t need to be in control all the time, but seriously? Over my dead body will I follow any man into a pitch black cave in the middle of an unfamiliar body of water. I don’t care if there’s a genie there waiting for me to rub his balls for buried treasure at the end.
I feel like I should put a disclaimer in here, that I’m not a boring chick with no sense of adventure, since I regularly admit my refusal to participate in several date activities but sometimes, this show is a bit too much Fear Factor for my taste. So let me just be clear. I will repel. I will hike. I will para-glide or sail but not bungee jump or sky dive. I will eat weird shit. I will eat in general. I will not talk to, look at or swim with sharks. I will not jump off buildings. I will not dance on a podium in a private concert in daylight while strangers watch me. I will not complain when a guy wants to take me on a tour of a charming, local town. I will visit orphans and play with them. I will wear outfits that may be perceived as male fantasies, such as baseball uniforms, a men’s dress shirt with knee socks and short shorts. I will drink. I will make you laugh. I will keep myself well-groomed. I will probably go to the fantasy suite. I will do my own hair. Fine, I will go to the fantasy suite. And, of course, I will keep an open mind. Did I mention I’ll eat?
God bless a 30 year old woman who can pull off a crocheted crop top. Even if she hasn’t had kids yet to spoil that gorgeous midriff, AshLee’s body is not normal by any standards. Despite the evidence displayed by her explosive side boob as she hugs Sean, that clears up any confusion as to whether or not her boobs are real, I can just picture her now as the next Bachelorette (hint, hint), as the season opens with a full hour of the camera closing in on every inch of her perfection as she lies seductively by the pool contemplating life and love. It does seem pretty uncharacteristic of her, being the wholesome girl she is, to be sporting man-made boobs, and I’m sorta wondering if she ‘prayed on them’ but then again, implants are just not as common here as they are in the US.
At dinner, AshLee contemplated not saying yes to the fantasy suite card (for three minutes) for fear of not being perceived as wholesome and pure (much like the pure silicone running through her chest, right?), and I’m thinking to myself, first of all ladies, get over it. You’ve been making out with this guy on national TV for like seven weeks, so go on with your bad self and get some. No one is judging you! Well, not for that anyways. Secondly, if anyone here is going pull the chute on this whole fantasy suite operation it’s gonna be Sean, who I know we can count on to whip out his 50 Shades of Scripture and not much more. He’s already talked about how excited he is to stay up with AshLee and talk all night. That’s so hot. I love what this show has become.
And besides, though I am completely flabbergasted at the thought of this, apparently, there are various horny teenagers trapped in religious homes that have (literally) found a hole in the whole no-premarital-sex rule. Yup, that’s right. The asshole. Seriously.
I’m not going to Google it to prove it to you because the thought of running a search for ‘Catholic teens and anal sex’ on the internet is frankly, terrifying, but let’s just say I have sources. You can research it yourself. So while it’s not okay to hand out condoms at church (or synagogue, or mosque, or temple, or planet – I want to make sure I offend everyone equally here), it might be okay to give out enemas for some good old fashioned Saturday night fun? Interesting.
By far, my favourite part of the date was when AshLee and Sean settled into their fantasy suite (I know, shocker – she went), which unlike the last ghetto suite with Lindsay actually had a living area and a couch, and as they were snuggling on the couch enjoying the moment, AshLe proceeded to fire off her engagement ring preferences. Cushion cut diamond, diamonds surrounding, and on the band. Ok then. So romantic of you to at least let him choose the carats. I have to hand it to AshLee though. I do think that’s the first time ever in Bachelor history, where a girl has actually had the balls to put it out there. We know we’ve all got that ring on our mind, so good for her for telling her man what she wants. I can just picture Neil Lane scrambling to get one into his briefcase before heading down to Thailand for the finale.
Finally, Catherine and Sean have their turn. Again, I do see how they have a very natural rapport with each other, and there is obviously physical chemistry, but there’s something about it I’m just not buying. Maybe it’s because she has full conversations with Sean while never looking at him or into his eyes when she talks to him? Or maybe it’s her chronic sweating problem?
What’s a season of the Bachelor without that Titanic ‘I’m the king of the world’ moment? Though in Catherine’s case, I think she should be yelling ‘I overuse the word hunk!’ and listen to that shit echo in the wind. If I have to hear her say hunk or worse – mega-hunk one more time, not to mention last night’s addition – beefy – I think I’ll puke.
Their day on the boat was romantic and fun enough, but honestly, when they were up against that pole in the rain and he was kissing her tongue first, like a mother bird feeding her young, I felt like I was being punched in the stomach repeatedly.
At dinner, Catherine in her quirky way shows her serious side a bit by admitting that she was sorta bullied when she was young about her weight (though it isn’t really clear) and that she hasn’t actually worn a bikini up until the time she came on the Bachelor. If this isn’t a sign that someone’s gonna be letting herself go right quick when the show is done, I don’t know what is, no?
Clearly the bullying about her eating too much has stuck with her, because from the moment they sat down to dinner, and had all of their conversations, including the annoying internal battle about whether to be a lady and refrain from the fantasy suite, to the moment when they predictably stood up to actually go to the fantasy suite, the same course of food sat there curdling on their plates, without a single bite being taken out of it. This is SO ANNOYING. Can they please stop serving food on this show? Seriously, it’s really pissing me off. What is the point???
Just like the other girls, though Catherine struggled with the decision of whether or not to give Sean the key to her fantasy suite. Though I’m sure they all had a gay old time having tickle fights and talking about their hopes and dreams all night, it’s pretty clear that the only thing getting fluffed on these dates are the throw pillows on the couches.
Finally, it’s time.
It was pretty obvious when Sean met with Chris who he was sending home and if you were somehow blind enough to miss all of that, then it was pretty much locked as Sean watched AshLee’s heartfelt video without any smiles compared to when he watched the other girls’ videos and you could actually see the panic setting in. It’s gotta suck for Sean to be back in this place, putting someone else through what he went through when Emily knocked the wind out of him and sent him home. We all know that Sean’s a good guy and would never want to hurt AshLee, which is why it’s so painful to watch her completely stunned reaction when he doesn’t call her name. It’s like time stopped and the only moment to snap us back to reality is ridiculous Catherine’s comment that ‘she didn’t even say goodbye to us!’ Really Catherine? I can’t decide which comment is dumber. That one, or the one where you got upset when Sean sent other girls home.
I was a bit distracted by AshLee’s heaving bosom – I really thought her boobs were going to pop right out of her dress at one point. As the rain falls, mirroring the somber mood, and Catherine and Lindsay watch Sean from a distance hanging his head in shame while AshLee pulls away, I’m comforted by the fact that they’ll get to talk it out, albeit painfully, on next week’s The Women Tell All.
So that’s it for AshLee. We’ve got our final two. I’m rooting for Lindsay even though I know it’s futile. But let’s look on the bright side, no? At least we know he’s not at risk for picking a raging bitch, right? There’s something to put on a Christmas card and it’s more than I can say for many past bachelors.
I have just one fear going forward. And that fear is that Tierra is going to pull a Bentley and be a no show for The Women Tell All. If she were smart, she wouldn’t go. She’s now engaged, she really doesn’t ‘need’ the additional hate that will no doubt be spewed her way. But still, I am praying that after Bentley’s no show, they got smart and made it a contractual obligation to attend, because no one belongs in that hot seat more than her. There aren’t any previews of scenes with her from it, so I can only hope and pray. And ask the question; when does the next season of Bachelor Pad start?
Till next week!