I remember when hometowns were fun. When they were a no holds barred, gun-wielding dad shit show riddled with small town American clichés. But somewhere along the way, people started using hometowns as an actual way to gauge their potential future success as a married couple, and now, some of the magic seems to be gone.
Not all of it, mind you. There were definitely sweet and heartfelt moments that got me last night, but overall, I didn’t have my usual five pages of bullets filled with things to make fun of, things that caught my eye, things that are just plain ridiculous. This time, I have only two.
Maybe it’s a blessing since tonight marks a surprise episode of Sean Tells All, which I’m pretty sure is yet another ratings push this season. It’s really the only thing I can think of. I know this season’s ratings haven’t been as high as past seasons. This is of course my very professional opinion, (based on the fact that I read an article after like episode 2 that said this and haven’t heard it since). I have no idea if it’s actually true right now, but I sound like I know stuff, right? So if a season is lagging behind and people are bored with the born-again virgin, why give us more of him? Shouldn’t we just hurry this up and cut our losses? What does Sean really have to ‘tell us all about’ on this elusive episode of Sean Tells All? How he won’t stick it in any of the girls? How he’s crazy about lots of peoples’ daughters? How he just want his season to be as popular as the other guys? I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
So in the meantime, let’s start with AshLee. Let’s just call her the front-runner. AshLee begins the date by reminding us, in case we forgot, that Sean was basically born for her and she’s madly in love with him and wants to marry him and have nine babies (I guess playing hard to get is out of the question at this point?)
She meets Sean in a random meadow, to enjoy yet another picnic. Seriously, I have never seen more picnics in my life. Isn’t Sean sick off eating off of a blanket??? We find out that along with AshLee’s dad being a pastor, Sean’s dad is also a reverend and his grandfather is a pastor too! Or the other way around? Really, I have no idea what the difference is but Golly GeeWillikers! Could we find two families to blend more seamlessly together? I think not. In Judaism, when a couple is meant to be, or it’s fate, we say they’re ‘beshert’. I have no idea what this term would be here (somewhere between Be-Jesus and MFEO?), but in any case, stick a fork in this couple because they are DONE. As poor Leslie H would say if she were here to inappropriately quote the moment, ‘winner, winner chicken dinner!’
So off we frolic to mom and dad’s house, where the producers have conveniently lifted their dining room table up out of the house and randomly placed it in the backyard (AKA football field) to make it look like patio furniture. The meal is lovely, with AshLee bawling every time she looks at Sean and her dad getting in on the action by telling us the story of finding AshLee and how his life changed. I was basically a puddle on the floor after he was done with his story, so it sorta goes without saying that I think overall the date went well. The only glitch seemed to be when AshLee decided to have her own little Tell All at the table and admit to her religious parents that she and Sean had a bit of a romp in the sand while on their one-on-one in Saint Croix? Seriously? Is this appropriate? Do you really need to tell Daddy that Sean almost stuck his shovel in your pail over lunch? I think not.
When her mom pulled Sean aside, I think she sort of missed the mark by asking Sean ‘do you intend to break my daughter’s heart?’ Um…no? How much are you hoping to learn with that question? Are you expecting him to say, ‘well, as a matter of fact yes, so have the Kleenex ready for her in a couple of weeks’?
The day ends as it began. With AshLee’s eyes completely giving away how much she is absolutely infatuated with Sean. God I hope he picks her.
Next we move onto Seattle and the clear home where Starbucks got their Pike Place mild roast’s name. After waking up what I can only assume was hours early in order to accessorize (how many rings can one girl wear?), Catherine literally bounces onto the scene with her usual energetic fervor and immediately takes Sean on her farmer’s market tour, starting with making him straddle a pig while curious passersby stop and stare. Let me go on record once again – I have nothing against Catherine. But I just don’t buy it. And now, knowing that she’s made it to the final three makes me think, oh dear god, the girl is actually gonna win this thing.
Between the fish toss and the gum-chewing wall of love, I can only hope that at some point along their date, Sean and Catherine washed their hands. I totally thought that Catherine teaching Sean the custom of ‘Mano’ (I looked it up) to greet her grandmother in a traditional Filipino way was a set-up and once he made a fool of himself doing it, that it would be revealed that it isn’t a custom at all, but turned out it was real and of course, Sean passed the parent test with flying colours. Other than the giant bus parked in the living room for Catherine’s sisters to throw her under, and watching her sisters salivate jealously as Sean did a series of push-ups with Catherine on him (awkward much?), I found the date a success. So what if the sisters cornered Sean and revealed all of Catherine’s darkest secrets as soon as they got a chance? She’s messy…she’s moody…she has goals…she has Herpes…why don’t you just tell Sean about her secret penis?
I can understand why Sean left the house confused, but no time to think about it. Off to Nowhere USA to meet Lindsay’s fam. I really can’t remember the name of her town, but I do remember that it’s one of those kinda towns it’s okay to forget. I have to say, Lindsay does grow on me every week. Despite her wedding dress fiasco on night one, she has totally held her own all season long and clearly Sean is at least partially smitten with her.
So she met up with Sean looking adorable, and off they went on their quaint little tour of her hometown. I think Lindsay must have been daydreaming a bit while she applied her blush because someone went just a little overboard.
Lindsay’s army drills of Sean were pretty adorable and you can see why he just loves being around her. From smacking him on the ass, to forcing him to do sit-ups while kissing her, come on, ya gotta give it to her – she’s pretty cute. The only thing that was not cute about that whole scenario was the appearance of a mock turtleneck under Sean’s army T-shirt. WTF?
Is it just me or did Sean appear to be yelling at Lindsay’s family when he walked in to meet them? Clearly Sean is about to soil himself over how he’s gonna get around the fact that he’s practically banging the General’s daughter but he puts it aside long enough to totally put Lindsay’s mom under his spell. As usual, he says the perfect thing, which gives him the confidence to go talk to her dad. At first, I was impressed with Lindsay’s dad not basically handing over the keys to his daughter like some used car as a sixteenth birthday present. It always amazes me how quickly these dads are ready to just give their blessing every season to a guy they barely know. So kudos to the General for making Sean sweat for a whole three minutes, before he granted Sean the ‘authority’ to marry his little girl.
When Sean leaves their home, it’s warm embraces and adorable dog tags all around – I’m pretty sure even her brother actually put his head on Sean’s shoulder in a (super-awkward) tender moment when they said goodbye.
And then there was Dez. I’m gonna go on record and say that this whole situation with Dez is really unfair. I totally get that the brother threw him off his game, but to totally take Dez off the table because her brother is a douche? So not cool. Sure, there were first impressions made, but over time, if Sean really wanted to be with Dez, I’m sure he would have been able to turn her brother’s’ opinion of him around. Unless there were doubts about Dez otherwise that Sean was wrestling with unbeknownst to us, besides the whole brother thing, I’m giving Sean a C on his choices. But, I’m getting ahead of myself.
Not sure if Sean got dressed in the dark the morning of his date with Dez but there was something really off-putting about his purple, pink and blue ensemble.
I don’t know why we didn’t see the whole boyfriend surprising Dez coming as a potential joke, given Sean’s art gallery prank he pulled, but I have to say, good on ya, Dez. You definitely got him good. Though why you felt the need to pay an actor is beyond me. Couldn’t you have just asked a friend to do it? It’s not like Sean knows anyone in your life. Could have bought a pair of shoes with that money, no?
So we get through the first phase of drama with the fake boyfriend and then it’s time for the fam to arrive. Dez’s parents are exactly as I pictured them – agave-coated granola all the way, with nary a hair product or bra to be found on her mom. I feel like clearly Dez’s brother didn’t have the same love of his upbringing or zest for life that Dez inherited from her parents. Who know, maybe he even resents his parents for the whole tent thang – is that where the deep-seeded rage comes from?
So all is going well, when Nate asks Sean if he can ‘hollah at him real fast’ outside. Um, like before the five-oh get here?
Nate doesn’t waste any time asserting his manhood by making up and then overusing words like reciprocation, and saying hurtful things all the while smiling and taking a great amount of pleasure in Sean’s discomfort. You can just tell how deeply upset Sean is by what Nate is saying and his body language reveals it all. Stooped shoulders, eyes on the ground, totally stricken with the thought of someone questioning his ability to guard and protect Dez’s heart (whoops, wrong season). I totally don’t get Nate. Don’t you want your sister to be happy? And calling Sean a playboy? Dude, the guy is (allegedly) a friggin’ virgin.
When they get back inside, it’s pretty clear that the whole family is used to Nate’s shtick. It’s almost as if he has a sign on him that says ‘don’t feed the animal’s, so they subtly try to ignore the damage Nate is doing while quietly begging him to stop. You could definitely sense the tension, but it must have been even worse than we imagined, because Sean gets up mid-meal when everyone still has a full steak on their plate and hightails it out of there, as Nate protests; ‘but we were just getting acquainted!’ Asshole.
At the cocktail party, tensions are high. I am partially distracted by how brutal AshLee’s dress is on her (which honestly, is a hard thing to accomplish), and feeling super bad for Dez. She was right to talk to Sean and clearly she made him rethink his choice, but, alas, it wasn’t enough. Sean lets Dez go, in probably the longest, most painful goodbye in Bachelor history except for maybe when Jason Mesnick said goodbye to Molly in the finale and she told him he was making a crazy mistake (which she was right about) and much to my surprise, we’re left with Catherine, Lindsay and AshLee.
I really am getting nervous as we head closer to the finale, because Sean is just the kind of guy that deserves to have this work out. Even with Emily Maynard, so much has been revealed about her that makes me question her sincerity and while I do wish her well more than 90% of previous bachelors and bachelorettes, there is something uncomfortably fake about her as a whole. But Sean, I think, is actually just a normal, super-nice guy who would be happy to fade out of the reality TV spotlight with his new bride, and go make babies somewhere. And him and AshLee would have such pretty babies.
Next week, his decision will be even harder and I will seriously be stressed out if Catherine does not get the boot. We’ll see what tonight reveals, and we’ll also see if I feel like writing about it tomorrow. You’ll have to check and see (but don’t hate me if I take the night off!)