Ding, dong the witch is dead! How many times have I typed that exact sentence, you ask? Too many. But also, not enough.
Happy Valentine’s Week, peeps. If this shit doesn’t put you in the mood for love, what does? I’m proud to say that my gift this year was two-fold; 1) – my husband agreed to watch The Bachelor with me. And 2) I was surprised with flowers tonight (handed to me by my adorable five year old), since my husband likely wouldn’t have time to get any on Thursday. Romance is definitely in the air.
This week, we’re in St. Croix, which I always thought was said a la French pronunciation, but apparently I was wrong. I was PRAYING that this week Sean forgot to take his idiot pills and did not continue to tolerate Tierra’s shenanigans, but rather send her crying ass home. If he didn’t, I had devised a whole plan in my head, where in future, we would gather bunches of guys in rooms together, tell them we were starting a season of The Bachelorette and then when they got out of the limos one by one, we would actually perform interventions (or lobotomies) instead, teaching men all the telltale signs to look out for regarding the type of girl you should stay away from.
I suppose the same could be said for the stupid girls who end up being bachelorettes on this show and go on to fall for the one asshole with a girlfriend (Wes) or the one douchebag who actually can’t stand them and is there for comedic purposes (ahem, ahem, Bentley and Ashley). The difference is though, that most of the time these girls catch on and send them home. Most of the time. The guys (Jake, Ben, etc.) actually pick the bitches. I feel like we’re dangerously close to that again this season.
No matter though, because all it took was some advice from Sean’s big sis to set him right back on the Lord’s path. ‘I’m not looking for sparkle,’ Sean thought to himself. ‘I’m looking for a wife.’
So St. Croix is beautiful, and naturally as soon as the girls settle in, they are just dying to throw on their swimsuits (I mean who doesn’t want to wear one on national TV every possible minute) and, oh yeah, rearrange the furniture in as antisocial a way as possible.
Actually, I kinda don’t blame Tierra for wanting her own bed, especially when I’m pretty sure Lindsay is still sleeping naked regardless of the fact that she isn’t alone. Or with Sean. WTF.
The first date card arrives and it goes to AshLee and I am of course overjoyed, as are likely the rest of you viewers. But my joy quickly dissipates when I hear the faint mumblings of Tierra ‘singing’ ‘the cougar’s back in town.’ Um, exCUSE me? Was that an attempt at your own rendition of ‘the boys are back in town’? How dare you taint this beloved classic? And how dare you presume that 32 is old??? You just wait, sister. You just wait until your little plan goes to shit and you’re in your ninth bridesmaid’s dress at age 30 (actually who am I kidding, no one will make you a bridesmaid – maybe a cousin). Because you know how well life always works out for the girls with a plan, right? Good luck having your kids and hubby all set up by that time. You might have to move to some remote part of the world where no one has ever watched the show if you think your life is going to work out just as planned.
Maybe AshLee hasn’t found anyone yet because she spent half her life abused and abandoned, therefore it’s taken her a little more time than the average person to be able to trust people. Or maybe, she’s secure enough in herself that she just isn’t in a rush to widen those hips for her child-bearing years like you seem right on the road to doing, Tierra. What’s your excuse for being single?
Sean and AshLee’s date was the romantic sunny adventure we knew it could be. As the camera slowly went over AshLee’s ridiculous body in her bikini, Sean narrated how his interest in AshLee continues to evolve, the more vulnerable she becomes to his love. They frolic in the ocean for a while and then do the obligatory make-out session right on the shoreline, the waves crashing against their sun-kissed bodies. Has anyone out there ever actually done this? Because as romantic as it always looks, I seriously don’t think I’d enjoy any part of that. The sand invading my cooch with the force of the waves like a two year old digging for sea shells? The freezing water enveloping my body? The grainy texture of the ground exfoliating my flesh as I try to look sexy and concentrate on the task at hand? No thanks.
In the meantime, back at the house, the girls are plotting how to casually roll Tierra’s cot into the ocean without anyone noticing. And once the date card arrives and Tierra isn’t happy about her chance to spend time with Sean, but rather complaining about the fact the she’ll have to (puke) take in the sights and (vomit) experience another culture and (ew) actually have to put one foot in front of the other to do that crazy thing called ‘walking’ (the nerve!), they change their plan to include tying bricks to said cot before letting it set sail. Let’s not waste any time watching it float, right?
Sean and AshLee cap off their lovely date with a toast to Sean’s ‘best, most fun day so far’ even though I bet he says that to all the girls (seriously, he does). Despite AshLee not wanting to ruin their perfect night, she has to drop the bomb on him that she was in fact, a teenage bride. Her eyes plead with him to love her, despite the fact that she’s not as ‘pure’ as he would want her to be (but really, are any of these girls???) , but of course, Sean reaches into the vault and pulls out yet another perfect response to AshLee’s nervous confession. ‘You’re perfect the way you are,’ he tells her, and my heart is all aflutter, because I feel like at this point, if he can just keep his head in the game, we may be close to witnessing a Bachelor couple in development that has a chance of making it and is, dare I say, perfect for each other.
In a jarring comparison, Tierra jolts us back to reality with her one-on-one date with Sean. Honestly, the girl is just plain miserable. She’s all hot and bothered, but not in good way, and all I’m thinking is if how is it even possible to be in a bad mood with a steel drum band playing in the background? Isn’t that illegal?
The best part of the date for me, was when Tierra almost got sideswiped by a giant human peacock during the parade. I think they thought the parade was put there special for them, but I remember being on a cruise once and every stopover we had there were like 14 parades going on at once.
When Sean tries to get serious with T later that night about the drama in the house, she once again, tells him that the girls are just jealous that she got the first impression rose. Seriously? You’re still holding onto that? That rose ain’t nothin’ but pot pourri by now, Honey. Get yourself some new material. And while I’m sure he didn’t hear a word she said if he was as distracted by her long, dagger-like toenails as I was, she managed to quip that it doesn’t matter how she is with the girls in the house, because soon all the girls will be gone. That’s right, Sean. The girls will be gone. Replaced by oh, you know, your mom, your sister, all of your friends. People who matter.
The group date arrives and despite the weirdness of Lindsay being naked in bed with Dez and not having time to groom herself (where’s the Nair sponsorship from Ashley’s season when you need it?), I think the surprise wake-up went pretty smoothly. I don’t know why these girls didn’t figure out that they would be woken to see the sun rise. As soon as I read the word ‘horizon’ on the date card, I knew that was it. Then again, I am exceptionally brilliant. And good-looking.
I actually thought the idea of a sunrise to sunset road trip was pretty adorable, and Sean definitely was in great company, since none if these girls make me want to stab myself in the eye.
A couple of moments topped my list on Sean and Dez’s – whoops, I mean the group date. First – the land portion. Who doesn’t love a treehouse? And more importantly, who doesn’t love a good swing? Seriously, one of these days, I’m gonna leave my kids at home and take myself to the park to get my swing on. Little bastards never let me have a turn!
On the way to the sea portion of the date, Desiree once again monopolizes shotgun and off they go to frolic in the ocean at their final destination. The whole thing would have appeared to be good old fashioned wholesome fun, if it wasn’t just riddled with beach clichés. Catherine carrying Sean on her shoulders? That looked comfortable. Seriously, if he’s gonna have his balls wrapped around your neck, at least face the other way. And that sea shell they ‘found’ on the beach? I was just in Mexico, and I’m telling you, there ain’t no sea shells like that just lying around on the beach waiting to be discovered. I have a whole Ziploc bag of ‘treasures’ my kids brought home, consisting of shards of glass, cigarette butts, shell fragments and the occasional empty oyster to prove it. I’m pretty sure I could see the price tag on that puppy from the hotel gift shop. And finally, when Dez was handcuffed to a tree long enough for Catherine and Sean to have some alone time and they were laying staring out at the ocean? Come on. If you put your ear to that sea shell and listened carefully, you could probably hear the producers on their walkie talkies: “CCCHHHHHHH, Release the Dolphins! CCCCHHHHHH, Release the Dolphins, Over!”
Despite the fact that Lindsay didn’t have time to cover up her Herpalicious chin and cheek for the date, she still managed to score the rose. I did believe Sean when he said it was the hardest choice he’s had to make yet, but I think he chose wisely, rewarding Lindsay for not being turned off by the impetigo on his knee and for her unwavering loyalty to him all season. She may have gotten the rose, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to ask Dez’s parents to adopt me next week on hometowns. Seriously.
Sean’s plan to see the sunset backfired, since apparently the sun didn’t set that day, but thankfully he had a nice selection of tits and ass to look at as the gang called it a night.
I knew Leslie would get the next one on one, and I knew it would be awkward. There really isn’t much more to say about it, right? I think the most exciting part of her date, was when the date card actually arrived for her. The fanfare and cheers she got from the other girls was a bit weird, no? I mean I get that they’re (mostly) friends and excited and all that for her, but let’s not forget girls, you’re fighting over the same guy. I don’t think a parade is in order every time each of you gets a date. The highlight for me was seeing an actual avocado hanging from a tree (so that’s how they grow!), and then watching them murder one by picking it when it was oh, I don’t know, about three months shy of being ready?
Finally, the end is near. Sean is clearly managing some pretty heavy duty soul-searching if he has to call in his sister to crack the Tierra code, but nonetheless, I am thrilled that she is here. Why? Because she had the good sense to give him the advice prior to his season to not pick ‘that girl’ that none of the other girls like.
It’s pretty clear as Sean’s sister Shay (cheese much?) is friggin’ brilliant and also that she is a fan of my blog, because she basically read what I wrote last week that you “do not hook up with a girl who can’t get along with other girls” and repeated this sound advice to her stupid baby brother when she visited. Amen Sistah. I wish every season of the Bachelor incorporated a mandatory viewing of Courtney’s and Vienna’s seasons where the current bachelor was forced to see what an idiot the former ones looked like by choosing the girls who put the ‘whore’ in horrible. Thankfully, Shay was the next best thing and all Sean needed to be set straight.
So as Sean’s coming to the realization that Tierra’s gotta go, little T’s back at the hotel adding as many nails to her coffin as she can scrounge up.
AshLee tries to give her several examples of why she’s a rude, immature bitch (good job keeping your cool, AshLee – I don’t think I could have done it) and Tierra’s only defense seems to be that her brain is not responsible for her eyebrows’ behaviour. Really? That’s all you got? You’re sorry if you ‘don’t hear’ the other girls saying good morning? That’s just your personality which just so happens to be bursting with misunderstood unicorns and rainbows?
It’s moments like this where I stop typing and allow myself a few brief moments to just be a fan like I used to be and watch the madness unfold in all of its splendor. But then I hear things like ‘girls are jealous of me! Men love me!’ and my fingers just start doing the talking.
And then Tierra drops that bomb, that apparently, we’ve all been wrong this whole time. Tierra? We owe you an apology. All this time, we thought you were just another egotistical, attention-seeking mean girl toddler in a woman’s body, and now, we come to find out that it was your sparkle all along? Shame on us. Really. How will you ever forgive us?
Let’s just do Tierra a favour here, free of charge. Sweetie, when your parents tell you that you’ve got ‘sparkle’, well, that’s basically the grown up equivalent to pointing out an isolated feature on a baby and complimenting it so you can avoid revealing to a blushing new mom, that her baby, is in fact, ugly. It’s really easy, actually. When you see an ugly baby, you have two options. Sure, you can say nothing, but you know it’s weird to see a baby and not make some sort of a remark, right? I mean, why would you ignore a baby? What did the baby ever do to you? Why do you hate babies? So, your alternative is to throw the new mom the bone she’s hoping for. “Oh look at her little nose!” you might say. Or the ever popular “Somebody got his Grandpa’s hair!” It’s not a lie exactly…
Tierra goes out with the bang we all knew she would (but probably not the bang she was hoping for from our little Christian). Either she is just exhausted, or she’s getting lazy, because when Sean came in to get her and she was ‘sobbing’ on her cot, she could barely hold back the smile through her ‘tears’ (of which there were none). I know you’re tired, but chop an onion or something.
When Sean went outside to gather his thoughts, I was in a bit of a panic that he was going to once again fall for her bullshit and rip a leaf off a tree or something to offer her as a rose, but thankfully, he remembered the wise, wise words of his sister and got the job done. Atta boy, Sean. He even found the right way to say it so that he came off caring and loving as he tossed her to the curb. ‘Because I care about you, I think it’s best that you go home now.’ Brilliant.
As we listened to Tierra bawl her eyes out in the van and once again, blame her misfortune on the girls, we should really take a moment and reflect on the contribution our fallen sister made to this season. And…done.
Later Tierrarist – good luck selling that sparkle. I’m sure your life will work out exactly as you planned. See you on After the Final Rose. That will be comfortable.
That evening, despite Tierra’s departure, the room was fraught with tension. AshLee was making me nervous (and also a little concerned that she was approaching stalker by calling Sean her husband), but I really believe in them – maybe more so than, dare I say, any previous couple and I really think we just need to get through these next few weeks and we’ll be on double dates with Trista and Ryan in no time.
Sean actually looked pretty cute, with his hair spiked up just so and while I did hold my breath through the rose ceremony, he didn’t let me down and sent Leslie home. Nothin’ against Leslie or her maternity dress. I just didn’t see it and neither did he.
Apparently though, Catherine did. I think this is definitely a Bachelor first for all of us. A ‘safe’ girl having a breakdown post-rose ceremony because another girl didn’t get picked? I’m sorry, but are you fucked? First of all, what in your mind revealed that Leslie would be a good match for Sean and not AshLee and second of all, just take your rose, and back away from the camera. Thaaaaat’s it. You can do it.
So obviously, my top picks are AshLee and Dez. As we’ve seen before, a hometown visit can turn everything upside down and I think it’s lookin’ like Dez’s angry brother pretty much sucks the happiness right out of her family. We didn’t even see the preview of her ex-boyfriend begging for her back yet – it’s actually the brother that’s threatening Sean? So confused and so excited all at the same time. I really do love Dez, but I am channeling all of my positive energy towards AshLee right now, so let the chips fall where they may.
Till next week!
CougarFromTheBurbs – Booyah!