Okay seriously, do you know how tired I am right now writing this? When I realized that I’d be blogging about not one, not two, but a surprise secret episode three the day after I get home from Mexico (at 4 AM!) and that it’s not on from eight to ten, but nine to eleven, forcing me to sit down and write this when it’s almost midnight, well, let’s just say that the sun beating down on my face, is but a distant memory and now, only the glow of my computer is here to remind me of those gentle rays. That and the bruise on my forehead from a pool incident. Note to you all: Do not pretend to be a dolphin with your five year old in the shallow end. You will get cocky. You will dive too hard, smash your head and nose on the bottom of the pool and have a Mexican doctor, who wears his stethoscope to the breakfast buffet, gleefully offer you a painkilling shot in your ass while examining the inside of your ears and nose with the same instrument. True story.
That said, thank you for your eager facebook messages and warm cyber-hugs begging me to come home. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t keep truckin’ along. So…since last week’s episode and this past Monday’s are for sure old news for all of you, I’ll sum up those two episodes with my top ten moments and try to focus just on tonight’s – Tuesday’s – honestly I don’t even know what day it is.
1) Watching Leslie H. basically give herself pink eye by wiping her nose with a paper towel during her sob-fest when she didn’t get the first one on one and then use the same corner of the paper towel to clean her eyes. Nothin’ hotter than a pus-filled eye.
2) Hearing Selma casually throw in that she’s a whopping 110 pounds to Sean on their helicopter ride (and I can only assume that at least 15 of those pounds are her boobs). I used to like her.
3) Observing the phrase ‘karma’s a bitch’ come to life as sneaky, fake-smiley, competitive, here-for-the-sport-of-it Amanda smashes her jaw while showing off for the girls. Fortunately for us, the damage wasn’t so bad and she was able to continue inserting her foot into her mouth. Latah, Biatch. By the way, cutest ice-pack ever no?
4) Listening to Tierra say ‘fustrating’, with nary an ‘r’ to be found, not once, but twice. That’s right up there with ‘supposably’.
5) Pretty much every one of Leslie H’s phrases uttered during her Pretty Woman dream date. From ‘holy moly, Batman!’ to ‘winner, winner chicken dinner’ as she managed to pick the least flattering dress on Rodeo Drive – I’m sure Badgley and Mischka were beyond thrilled that their PR dollars went to their pieces being modelled by a girl who didn’t know enough to call her ‘purse’ a bag. Shame.
6) The absurd stagedness (yes, I have decided that is a word), watching Sean ‘dramatically’ toss the rose off the balcony when he sent Leslie H packing. As if the producers didn’t instruct him to do that. He just doesn’t seem like the littering kind.
7) Robyn’s brutal chocolate line. If chocolate could talk it would be like ‘oh no you DI-Int just drag my ass into this.’ Nice try.
8) Anything related to AshLee and Sean. I love her. If she loses, can she be the next Bachelorette? Pretty please?
9) Daniela asking ‘are those dogs?’ when the group date approached their relay. Note to Sean: If you’re looking for an outdoorsy kinda girl (and I’m assuming you are since you tell us after every commercial break how much you love the outdoors), you might want to pick a girl who knows the difference between a dog and a goat. Just sayin’
10) Watching Selma try (and fail) to respect her family’s strict Muslim code of ethics. Sure your mom may respect you for not kissing Sean (the first time), but how does she feel about your heaving bosom and the fact that you got the giggles with Dez from joking about jerking off a goat on National TV?
Finally, the final episode.
There’s nothing like Canada’s gorgeous western region to make a girl swell with hometown pride. I mean seriously, try and show me a more beautiful place than Lake Louise. I’ve been there, and trust me, it’s just as beautifully perfect in person as it is on TV. I tell ya, the whole shebang gave me a hankerin’ to do body shots of Maple syrup off a lumberjack.
So here we are in Alberta and Catherine (finally) gets an actual one on one with Sean. It’s weird, because I like Catherine, but I seriously don’t get how she and Sean have had time to create this amazingly fun chemistry with each other. Like I said before, though I don’t read spoilers, I have heard he ends up with her, and if he does, I just don’t think I’ll be able to buy it. That said, at this point as long as he doesn’t end up with Tierra, we’re all good. I may be a Canadian girl, but in this country of mine, we don’t tolerate Tierrarism any more than the next guy and time after time, a drama queen with split personalities had proven to be a weapon of mass destruction for The Bachelor.
Clearly Catherine didn’t get the memo to bring a warm jacket, because as she waits in the frigid cold, unable to open her eyes due to the extreme winds and ice pellets flying at her, she stands there, without even a pair of gloves to keep her warm. I’m all for the surprise element of the show, but seriously, a little warning for these girls please? At least tell them if they need a jacket.
Sean shows up driving a ‘snow bus’ (who knew?) with the most serious set of snow tires I’ve ever seen and I’m baffled when he exits and even he isn’t dressed appropriately. Sure he’s wearing the provided snowsuit but someone get these people some toques stat!
Blah, blah, blah, they do cart wheels and demonstrate their inner child in various ways – a standard Bachelor date go-to and then head on over to – wait for it – a winter hand job blanket, where they pretend to get cozy amidst a raging blizzard to enjoy a thermos full of hot chocolate for five minutes so the camera crew can get the shot, even as it spills over their trembling fingers.
The rest of their date, is pretty damn romantic. The horse drawn carriage ride (again, barely a jacket for her), the amazing ice castle and more. They do seem really into each other, but I’m just not buying it yet. Catherine’s story about the girl and the tree was alarming and would totally freak me out too. Not sure if it would shape my entire identity, but it’s pretty freakin’ nuts.
So group date rolls around and the girls are off for a canoe ride and then the Polar Plunge. Seriously? I’m not sure what was more disturbing – the thought of plunging myself into that glacier-cold water, or Selma’s laugh when she talked about sharks jumping out of the lake and biting Leslie.
Surprise, surprise, the girls’ bikinis just happen to be waiting for them and you can feel the fear and anxiety creeping in on them as they realize there’s no escape (unless you’re Princess Selma). As soon as the EMT starts to explain the possibility of hypothermia, it’s almost as if you can see the light-bulb go on atop Tierra’s head, as she thinks, ‘Hmm…hypothermia. Yeah, I could rock out some of that business.’
Every one gears up and on top of freaking out about how cold they are about to be as they stand around waiting in their bikinis, poor Daniela also has to worry about making sure her hand is on her tummy the whole time in a pathetic attempt to hide her insecurities from the camera. Yeah, I know that move. It’s called ‘two kids.’
The inevitable happens as we move onto the next chapter of the Tierra Chronicles, which at this point is just about as exciting as book three of Fifty Shades of Grey. I am so done with her and so done with the girls being done with her. Leslie is right – she is truly a master manipulator and if that’s the road you want to head down, be my guest, but I am so sick of these stupid, stupid guys not reading the signs. If eight or nine girls are unable to get along with one girl, then newsflash, it’s not the eight or nine girls that are the problem. It’s the other one. If you are looking for a girl to bring home to your mom, whom your sister will love and your buddies will dig, do not hook up with a girl who can’t get along with other girls. This is a simple, but very important rule. We’ve watched it happen with Jake and Vienna and Courtney and Ben and I am not interested in going down this road again with these two.
While I’ll give Tierra props for her dramatic convulsions, runny mascara, and tearful realization that she’s missing time with Sean as she snuggles up to the EMT, I’m sorry, but if you’re eating a sandwich, chances are you don’t really need the oxygen tank. And if you can’t feel your toes, perhaps high boots aren’t the best footwear choice. Even Sean told her point blank as he comforted her yet again that she keeps managing to find ways to get one on one time with him, but the dude still won’t pull the trigger and put the rabid dog down. WTF?
Though we’re usually accustomed to Tierra running the show, I have to say, Leslie totally monopolized Sean’s time on this group date. From canoeing with him, to running into the water with him for the Polar Plunge, to sitting next to him on the couch later that night, I don’t know where her chutzpah is coming from, but unfortunately, I don’t think it’ll get her very far. I’m really hoping Tierra will go next week, but if not, pretty sure Leslie’s number will be up.
And then…Sarah. Oy. My heart just broke for her as soon as Sean referenced sending the girl home who wanted him to meet her family. And while he did the right thing by not forcing her to hang out for another couple days before cutting her loose, it was a bit of salt in the wound to tell her he thought their kiss was a bit of a reach, no? I mean, seriously. Reaching? That’s just not right. Listening to her sorrowful rehashing of what she continues to hear time and time again from every guy she dates just made me feels sick for her. I really do hope she finds the right guy, and I know he’s somewhere out there, just searching for a girl whose voice sounds like a secret missing Kardashian.
I was looking forward to Sean and Dez’s date to see, like Dez, if they still had what we saw back on their first one on one. As Dez packed up her carry-on (the same bag Sarah went home with), I started to wonder how it is possible for these girl to pack up for this show. I had a hard enough time packing for Mexico and that was one climate, for one week. These girls have to bring everything from evening gowns to chunky sweaters, to workout clothes and runners (or tennis shoes for you American folk), all the while ensuring that each outfit seems effortlessly adorable. And don’t even get me started on the accessories and outer wear. Seriously I would love to see a copy of the handbook these chicks receive when they get picked for the show. I think packing for it would be just as stressful as falling in love on TV and having my heart stomped on.
Anyhoo, as soon as the date card was read, I knew they’d be repelling down something, because, just in case you didn’t know, Sean loves the outdoors. They strap on their helmet-cams and head down the mountain, stopping every third step for a make-out session where they finally land at their destination – a dinky picnic in a random field. Then, they step it up a notch for dinner in yet another adorable contrived romantic setting – a teepee, where Dez reveals to us that she’s more comfortable in these surroundings than we ever thought possible. Unlike past contestants on the show, (like, ahem, ahem, Jamie), I found Dez’s homelessness endearing and lovable, and clearly Sean did too – but who doesn’t love a chick who can climb a tree. Kind of a weird fit that Dez isn’t swayed by the finer things in life, yet she’s chosen a career as a wedding gown stylist – which represents perhaps the most extreme, gluttonous piece of attire out there. Even still I really do like her. I feel like at the end of the day, Sean loves the idea of her and her cuteness and all that, but I’m not sure if I really buy it with them either. We’ll see. Since next week’s preview didn’t allude at all to Dez’s ex-boyfriend showing up, I’m thinking she makes it at least another week and perhaps has the run-in with him on hometowns. Regardless, she’s definitely ‘meet the family’ material.
Finally, the end is near (and my bedtime – yay!!!). Either all of their bodies in their cocktail dresses look particularly amazing tonight, or it’s just the ‘all inclusive five’ – Freshman Fifteen’s annoying cousin that I’m packing that’s making me hyper-aware of other womens’ hotness.
Sean is definitely in better spirits than last week and despite some dramatic moments (AshLee’s) and not so dramatic (Selma’s ‘kiss’), the party goes off without a hitch. Though I initially thought AshLee’s whole scarf thing was a bit cheesy, I understood how much it meant to her, so when she relinquished control to him, I felt like it was a turning point. And nobody ever said that Sean wasn’t a gentleman, so when he picked her up so easily for that last stretch, I thought it was a beautiful moment and of course, cried right along with her. On the flip side, couples like Sean and Lindsay are cute, and can’t seem to keep their hands off each other as usual, but it will only last for so long. Inevitably we said goodbye to a tearful Daniela. We all saw it coming – there was pretty much no shot of her staying, yet still, I hope she gets her chance out there. Hidden beneath those horrific roots was what appeared to be a sense of humour and a good heart, so of course, she deserves a good man.
As for Selma, I think we can all agree it worked out for the best, though to be honest, at this point, I’m a bit concerned for her safety. She decides to throw away her family’s honour in order to ‘bring out the big guns’ (well, the other big guns – the ones on her chest have been out since Day One) and it still doesn’t help her case. But really, had she thought this through at all? Even if she made it to hometown dates and by some miracle her parents accepted that she was bringing home a beautiful blonde western-world poster boy, how exactly would you tackle the whole he’s a devout Christian and you’re a traditional Muslim thing long-term? Something tells me it would sort of come up from time to time. Selma, you’re beautiful, and I think you’d be happy with any guy willing to sweep you off your feet. Good luck – we’ll be praying for you.
And speaking of praying, whomever your god is – Jesus, Allah, Hashem…pray for me that tonight, I have the discipline to not attempt to catch up on my other hours of missed TV and fold six loads of laundry. Pray for me, that I have the will to put myself to bed early, cuz I. Am. TIRED.
Oh who am I kidding – maybe just Grey’s Anatomy. And Modern Family. And…
Till next week!