So I think we all settled in last night, hoping, quite frankly for some good old fashioned girl-on-girl violence. Yet once again, we fall for those evil genius Bachelor editors and wait patiently for someone to toss Tierra down the stairs, only to find out that the loser slipped on her own for attention. I mean seriously, what was she aiming for, a DIY abortion?
The episode opened as usual, with Sean getting his morning sweat on. Interesting how many times they shoot him working out, yet we never see so much as a yoga mat in the mansion. I wonder if these girls are working out, or if they’re like I would be, relying on too much sun and not enough fluids by day, coupled with too much alcohol at night to keep them looking their best. Tried and true, Baby. Red to brown is what I’m talkin’ about, Willis.
Once we were done watching Sean’s pecs heave with the aftermath of a good workout, we mosey on over to the mansion, where admittedly, some of the girls looked kinda cute in their sleepy morning haze as they crammed themselves onto the couch to await the first date card (even though others could have done a bit of work at least evening out their skin tone). Seriously, Leslie H basically looked like she had been hit with the plague overnight.
So the first one on one date goes to Lesley M. Despite her manly voice, I don’t mind her and actually, overall, I think there are some solid girls here worthy of Sean’s eternal love and BFFdom. Lesley quickly gets ready for the date casually leaving a suitcase the size of the one I used to store my Barbie clothes in at the door, to create suspense over if she’ll make it through the night. Note to producers: If you want us to believe there’s a chance someone is going home, try putting a bag there that looks like it can hold more than a pair of shoes. These are women. And they each brought a minimum of 15 cocktail dresses and gowns. Not buyin’ it.
Off they go to the Guinness Book of World Records where we learn that Sean’s dad has broken some sort of road trip record, which I’m not even sure is impressive because I think in kilometers. Actually, when it comes to long distance driving, I pretty much don’t think at all. I don’t know what’s happened to me in my old age. I used to be able to drive for hours on end, even doing a drive from Toronto to Montreal in a raging snow storm that ended up taking ten hours (you haven’t roughed it in a Canadian blizzard until you’ve been stranded on a highway, climbed through thigh deep snow on the side of the road and peed, using only a mitten to wipe yourself.) But, that was then, and this is now. In a 24 hour drive to Florida with my two kids last year, I think I drove maybe 45 minutes in total before falling asleep at the wheel, while my poor husband chugged Red Bulls like a man on a mission and got us there in record time. Whatever, I’d like to see him handle snacks and toy duty for that long.
Anyways, back to the Guinness Book of No One Cares. Because really, other than a last-resort PR stunt (this is an informed statement, I’m in PR), what the hell is really the deal with Guinness?
I’ll tell you what the deal is. The deal is that while watching Sean and Lesley try to break the record for longest on-screen kiss, I’m pretty sure that I broke the record for longest amount of time holding vomit in my mouth while simultaneously punching my husband in the nuts to help him cope with the awkwardness.
To an extent, I’m not judging. I too have participated in a kissing contest. Yep, t’was the summer of ’92 at sleepover camp and to close out our ‘Day at the Olympics’ each team put forth a guy and girl to compete. I’m not gonna lie, I lost – it is actually quite hard to kiss for that long when your peers are watching you, but regardless, that was money well spent by mom and dad for sure. Man, did I learn a lot that summer.
But back to Sean and Lesley. Once again, I found myself praying for Arie to appear magically like some Metrosexual man-fairy, skinny jeans and all, to show Sean how it’s done. But instead, we had to watch Sean and Lesley not move for a full three minutes (and sixteen brutal seconds) in what was apparently a kiss. And the worst part of all, were the voiceovers of the two of them describing the chemistry as the kiss was occurring, referencing the deep passion they experienced and the amazing, life-changing kiss that it was. Seriously? Were we watching the same thing? How was that kiss amazing? Sean’s lips literally didn’t move. At all. I watched closely. The only part of that moment that was remotely sexual was when Lesley’s dress started to ride up dangerously high from his wandering hands. Not awkward at all when you’re kissing someone on a podium surrounded by judgmental strangers. The only thing more awkward than watching them kiss was watching the old dude who had a front row seat behind Chris Harrison as he announced the challenge and watching him look quite hungrily at Lesley. I’m pretty sure the random explosion of confetti as soon as they were done was basically a celebration that it was over.
Still, as brutal as that kiss was, I may in fact prefer it to what I am quickly learning is Sean’s signature kissing style – tongue first. It’s pretty much all he’s thinking about as they snuggled later that night on the randomly placed couch, him pretending to be listening to her while waiting for a good opportunity to kiss her. But of course, she gets the rose and heads back to the mansion to bring her empty suitcase upstairs.
So the next day is Group Date day and off to the beach we go for some fun in the sun. Is it just me or does it seem like there are way more girls this time around than previous seasons? In the past I feel like we’re down to eight or so in five minutes but this list of girls is just never-ending!
So Kasie, Robyn, Leslie H, Kristie, Catherine, Taryn, Dez, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniela, Jackie and Tierra suit up for volleyball and competition takes over. I have to say (not that I could do any better), but this display of athleticism was pretty shameful. I don’t even understand how Daniela knows she is bad at volleyball…don’t you have to play to know you are bad? How random is volleyball? The only one who really showed any skills was Dez and maybe Amanda (who I still have a hard time believing is a fit model – so doesn’t seem like her cup of tea even though she claims to know how to win on and off the field). Of course, while at least half the girls look hot, there’s Kasie B, breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for Hottest Mess. Doesn’t she know that the beach is the one place where she can get away with having that hair? Like leave that shit alone and let the breeze do its thing instead of trying to tame the dragon with the same scrunchie you sewed for yourself in Home Economics when you were 11.
The only thing worse than Kasie’s hair was Kristie’s face, complete with filthy sand marks, falling eyelashes and a general meltdown when her team lost. Way to play it cool.
I’m not quite sure why the losing girls weren’t allowed to put their clothes back on and had to get into the van in their bikinis with nothing else – they were probably all covered in welted skin from sticking to the seats on the drive of shame home. Girls heading to the beach for the day don’t bring nothing. Where are their bags full of water, magazines, towels, sunscreen, cover-ups, lip balm, clothes?? Are they being punished? At least Daniela had the good sense to grab her sarong. I’m telling you it’s every man for himself out there.
That night Sean continued to progress with some of the ladies. I enjoyed his one on one time with Lindsay, right up until they started eating each other’s faces. Dez and Sean also snuck in a three minute make-out sesh while the girls watch from the couch like two meters away.
Despite Dez’s confidence about her and Sean’s relationship, she can’t seem to get Amanda’s bad intentions out of her head. Maybe it’s because Amanda said she’ll do ‘whatever it takes’ to get the rose from Sean or maybe it’s because someone, oh, I don’t know, like Kasie B, is planting ideas and attempting to stir the pot in the house?
I think we can all agree that Kasie’s attempt at creating drama was not only the least thought through Bachelor strategy in history, but also an epic fail in every sense of the word. And I think we can all agree that we’ve had enough of Kasie B.
Kasie grabs Sean and brings him down to a patch of grass which is awkward to sit down on when you’re wearing a tube top for a skirt. She reveals that Dez is concerned for Amanda’s reasons for being there and since she is Dez’s frend , the whole situation somehow prevents her from being herself and is clouding the quality of her time with Sean. Huh? You don’t want to be the one to tell him but whoomp, there it is? And you don’t want to start any drama, but whoops – there you go. Even when Sean asks her flat out why she would even get involved she hasn’t even planned an answer for him and he ends up calling her a crazy person. Way to go, Kasie. Maybe you should spend less time altering your miniskirts to the point where your fallopian tubes are exposed and more time being normal (and obviously doing your hair). Sigh. Lesley got the rose, and in my opinion, totally deserved it. Wedding gown fiasco aside, I think she’s cute.
Back at the house, Tierra tries to be funny by announcing a two on one date that instills an instant panic attack in Sarah for some reason. ‘Like, ew, don’t ever read my name off a date card again, Biatch’. AshLee is pleased that she gets the one on one, since it will likely be a romantic date and not an ‘activity’ that heaven forbid, she’d have to participate in. Wow, what a zest for life you have.
So the morning arrives with birds chirping peacefully in the trees and the sun shining beautifully on the mansion, until we hear a huge thump and learn the horrific news that Humpty Dumpty has had a great fall.
Tierra is on the verge of an aneurism but as soon as she finds out she might be airlifted outta the game Survivor style, she’s fresh as a daisy, pops out of her neck-brace and makes a mad dash for the backyard, where she cozies up with Sean. I have to say, AshLee does a pretty good job of not losing it and pretending to feel sorry for Tierra. And truthfully, Tierra’s got some chutzpah cozying up to Sean for that long and infringing on AshLee’s time. But then again, Sean should have gotten up off that bench much sooner. Once he realized Tierra was okay it was a bit rude of him to stay that long, no?
Other than AshLee dressing highly inappropriately for a day of walking at an amusement park, overall, I have to say I cried pretty much through all of their date. Did anyone else think it was a bit anticlimactic though when Brianna and Emily met for the first time after all the hype and were like, ‘oh, hey’?
Between the whole Starlight Foundation thing and AshLee telling Sean the story of her father promising her a birthday party while Sean actually cried, I was pretty much for the garbage at this point. I think I may even have feelings for Sean now too. I’m not sure I buy that Sean’s always had it in his heart to adopt a kid over age three (what are the chances???), but still I was half hoping Brianna was secretly ordained and could have married those two right on the spot. Their whole life together flashed before me, and it just seemed right. It goes without saying that the date was adorable and special and AshLee should definitely be a front runner in my books, even if she does look ten years older than her actual age.
The next night, Sean kicked the night off on an amazingly adorable high note, by surprising Sarah with a visit from her dog, Leo (right after she had a panic attack that he was sending her home). I mean honestly, I hope she got down on her knees right there (clearly manual stimulation is out of the question) and blew him on the spot because how friggin’ cute is that??? I’m sure it was super-confusing for the poor little dog though. Can you imagine? He gets put on a plane, tossed into a limo, is reunited with his mommy for like five minutes and then what? They totally should have filmed his limo ride back to the airport, with him crying about looking for love and wondering when his time will come. Shame. Poor Leo.
Musical chairs doesn’t even begin to describe the stress of watching the girls clamor for one on one time this week. Clearly Tierra was in a huge rush to spend time with Sean since she didn’t have time to compare her completely different eyebrows. And Kasie B must have not had time to change into a dress from her beach date from the other day, since it looked like she took a hacksaw to a scuba suit (not to mention adding a matchy matchy neon scrunchy) and voila! Cocktail attire! For someone whose parents are ultra conservative, could that girl wear less clothing? Clearly he’s not easily swayed by miniskirts, because he ‘respectfully’ saved Kasie the humiliation of yet another roseless Bachelor rejection and send Little Miss Crazytown home to wait for another Bachelor reunion party to stalk. Do I see Bachelor Pad Four in the future?
Despite some not being at their best, the rose ceremony moved forward. Sean took to Selma’s Italian Countryside look and gave her a rose. He ignored Daniela’s roots and gave her one too and even managed to hand them out to girls he still hasn’t spoken to, such as Jackie, Robyn, and Catherine. I don’t read spoilers at all, but I keep hearing rumours that he ends up with Catherine, who, unless he starts speaking to her pretty damn soon, I don’t see how it’s possible.
This time around Taryn – whom I feel is approaching the geriatric stage since she’s actually 30 (that’s like 200 in Bachelor years) and Kristie AKA Batgirl get the boot. At least Kristie has a Harlequin contract to take with her. Pretty good consolation prize, if you ask me.
I’m not really looking forward to next week, as it looks like Sean spends his time giving pity dates to the girls he hasn’t spoken with yet (and also looking at Selma just makes me feel bad about my own looks). I am however looking forward to Tierra’s meltdown – I’m just hoping she has it to Sean and not a producer.
And speaking of next week, I actually have some news. Next week, I’ll be out of commission – heading out on vacation with the fam to a Bachelor free destination and – wait for it – I’ll have TWO Bachelor episodes to catch up on when I get back. So don’t be all hating on me when you don’t see a blog next week and the following week’s is late. I’m just one girl, people! And my flight returns at two in the morning and just because I love you (and I’m a bad mom), I am planning on sending my kids to school in an exhausted haze the next day so I can catch up on the Bachelor.
That said, if any of you want to unleash your inner blogger while I’m gone, feel free to let out your frustrations and comments on my facebook page and we can address them when I’m back. Here you go: