Well, the minute episode two opened with a shot of Sean in the shower…and then working out…and then in the shower…and then sporting a fresh V-neck…I knew we were in for some deep romantic connections. And, I was right. Obviously. When am I not right? Right???
It was nice to settle into the tried and true formula of the show, featuring two one on ones and a group date, not to mention an unfortunate house arrest for a few of the gals. As the ladies gathered in the living room, primary coloured walls closing in on them from every angle (like really, could just one room have four of the same coloured walls???), I found myself wondering if there was an earthquake or something on the horizon? This is LA right? Is the ground uneven or are these immense side flips, weighing down the necks of half the girls in the house a new thing? If this is an up-and-coming trend, resurrected from the past like everything else in fashion, I can just hear my mother now, gleefully patting herself on the back as she subtly tries to move my centre part over just a wee bit more. Shudder.
So Sarah gets the first one-on-one date and showcases her joy by barely turning the corners of her mouth upwards. I want to like her, really I do, and I don’t dislike her. But she just isn’t exactly bursting with personality. Their date starts out in true Bachelor fashion, with a helicopter arriving to pick Sarah up while the girls stand there like morons inhaling dust and dirt from the driveway, fantasizing about ‘eating Sean alive’ (simmer down, Robyn). Sarah is whisked off by Prince Charming and after a quick trip to the emergency eye wash station in the house (now there’s a sponsorship opportunity), the rest of the girls settle in for a day by the pool.
So Sarah and Sean arrive at the top of a friggin’ massive skyscraper, and after he informs her that they are freefalling 300 feet, she responds with a basic ‘okay’. Other than asking the legitimate (and endearing) question ‘what catches us?’, again, she’s just not showing me the money. Am I the only girl who would so not be okay with this? Nothin’ says sexy like a grown woman pissing herself from fear. In fact, despite the supposed energy-charged adrenaline pumping nature of the moment, I just couldn’t stay focused on them. My mind was wandering (do I get more chocolate? Does she pay half price for a mani?) and I was becoming a bit concerned at the quiet start we’re off to. I was all set to applaud Sean for being so great about the whole arm thing, but then he drops to the bottom and starts bragging about how his hands are trembling. Seriously? Okay. I’ll stop.
Of course, despite the sorta-lame jump off a building, as Sarah (wearing a very cute LBD) opened up that night to Sean about her trip to Vegas and not being able to zip line, I teared up a little (mostly out of sadness for her that she’s been met with people telling her what she can and can’t do her whole life when she’s clearly capable of anything) and partially, remembering my own zip-lining experience in Costa Rica on my honeymoon where my husband (who is afraid of heights) and I did a series of 16 in a row. By the second or third we were both nauseous and we spent the remaining runs with our thighs wrapped tightly around the escorts, paralyzed with fear over getting stuck in the middle of the rainforest.
Sean reassures Sarah with his confident ‘a man’s a man’ speech and I’m sorry for all you ladies out there, with your ‘I am woman, hear me roar’ attitudes, and giant bushes staring me in the face in the change room at the gym (for the love of god, face the lockers!), but I am 100% down with being taken care of by my man. So, score one for Sean. It’s no surprise that after hearing that Sarah admitted she was in love with Sean in her post-date interview. After one date. Right. (By the way, for those of you reading who are my close friends and are silently questioning the authenticity of my bush reference given that I rarely see the inside of a gym, I’ll have you know that very recently I actually went to the gym like five whole times. Ok it wasn’t very recently. It was months ago. No matter. That bush was real and it will haunt me forever.)
Group date time! Yee haw! Though Daniella did promise a tornado of negativity in the preview for tonight, this really was more of a train wreck. Of course, Kristy was more excited about scoring a cover contract with Harlequin than getting to pose with Sean (or be with him at all for that matter) and immediately jetted off to practice her smizing. There were literally thirteen girls on the date or something ridiculous like that and unfortunately for lots of it my damn TV was on some sort of pixilation rampage so while I suffered in silence, aging at least ten years, missing most of the good stuff, like Tierra’s calm manipulation of Sean while Robyn shoots her cut-eye, the rest of you were enjoying the show. What did I miss??? Anyone??? And…cue crickets.
What I didn’t miss was Kristy’s awkward happy dance when she won, Tierra’s perma-scowl, Amanda looking a little too comfy as a vampire, Lesley giving Sean a tiny peck on the lips which for some reason caused a minor uproar, and Kate, who I’m starting to think is a self-harmer by way of electrocution – how else do you explain that hair and her general air of sadness? Like seriously, girlfriend – find your centre.
I think my favourite moment (other than the leopard print covered vegan – ironic, don’t ya think? – reassuring our resident God-fearing Christian that she still ‘loves the beef’ was watching Daniela trying to do her interview that night at the cocktail party, but instead giving us a play-by-play of Sean and Lesley’s awkward make-out session in her full view. So far, these kisses are leaving me high and, well, dry. They’re better than Ashley’s kisses, which consisted of her turning to a pillar of stone any time her lips met a man’s, but seriously, where’s Arie when you need him?
Regardless of Sean’s supposed connections with several of the girls, it’s Kasie B’s (she’ll always be Kasie B) southern charm, just fixin’ to get out of The Friend Zone (cue scary music) that finally scored the rose. That and her chutzpah (that’s what we call it in these here parts), that inspired her to make the toast for the evening, rose in hand. Oh no you DI-INT!
As for the other girls, some of them certainly aren’t trying to score any friends. Could Tierra have been more awkward yelling to Daniella across the couch that she better be one of the girls she likes (though HUGE props to Tierra for actually fixing herself a plate of food and – gasp! – eating it! Talk about never-before-seen footage!) And how about the elusive Amanda who’s getting creepier by the minute?
To my delight, that’s right, delight, Desiree scored the second one on one date, with the teaser ‘Love is Priceless.’ When she openly wondered what that could possibly mean, she was met with a firm answer of ‘it’s jewels’, in much the same way that Brenda Walsh announced to Donna Martin that ‘it’s brains’ when they fancied it up at a restaurant in Paris so many years ago. Ah…Bev. Those were the good ol’ days. (Note: If you don’t get this reference, well, I don’t think we should see each other anymore. It’s not me, it’s you.)
Onto Dez’s date. I like the idea that finding a girl with a sense of humour is at the top of Sean’s list – hopefully it’s not a priority for Sean’s future wife. Just sayin’.
After the sort of anticlimactic prank with the sculpture, the two head back to Sean’s house for two large servings of broccoli and surprise, more champagne. I really like Dez. She’s pretty freakin’ adorable and any girl that’s confident enough to straddle a pool ledge in a bikini and not even watch her posture enough to tighten her tummy is good enough for me. It sort of pains me to know that she’s the one with the ex-boyfriend who comes back begging to be reunited with her. Despite this, I’m on team Dez for now for sure. The night closes with both of them feeling like they’re boyfriend and girlfriend, despite their kissing being more like brother and sister. Yawn.
And then – the cocktail party. Only the second one and already things are heading south. Kasie B’s follicular challenges have, well, reared their ugly head (that didn’t take long), Lindsay went from wedding gown to pageant gown, Amanda tries to pull off the dirty hippy look minus the free spirit or general zest for life we often associate with such happy people (is it possible she entered her catatonic state from inhaling too many patchouli oil fumes? I don’t doubt this could happen.) And since we’re on the topic, here’s my first public service announcement of the season: For those of you who still wear patchouli oil out there, hmm, how shall I put this? Please stop. It’s friggin’ disgusting. Walking past you and catching a whiff can only be compared to taking that first sip of milk before you realize it’s gone bad. Just stop. Yeah you. And now, back to our show.
Despite the tension in the room, some interesting conversations seemed to go on, and given how many girls are still left, I was surprised that there wasn’t more one-on-one conversation-stealing time going on. Robyn dropped the race bomb and Sean diffused it like a champ. And despite Lindsay sporting a zebra costume from the Lion King musical, she managed to make a positive impression on Sean too. Good on ya, girlfriend! And Selma, well, she’s just gorgeous (which Sean can now confirm in Arabic).
It was hard to focus on the roses being distributed due to the glare of the purple lattice-print screen, orange flowers and blue damask drapery that were Sean’s unbearable background, but I managed to notice that Sean sent Brooke (who I don’t think has said a single word all season) and single mom Diana home. The night ended with yet another champagne toast, the girls clamoring to ensure their glasses clinked directly with Sean’s and now we have to wait a whole week to watch Tierra throw herself down the stairs and pin it on one of the girls (just a guess, but a good one, no?)
Sean – it’s gonna be time for some tough love soon, so saddle up, partner. We’re here for you, buddy.
Till next week!