I have to admit, it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten those Bachelor butterflies and when I settled in for the premiere of Sean’s season, to be honest I didn’t know what I was more excited about; another whole nine weeks (give or take) of pure, glorious, trash TV or the fact that my husband was sitting next to me folding my childrens’ laundry. Seriously. It’s a toss-up.
But god dammit, I’m all in! In for the spray tans and ugly cries, in for the ‘I’m ready for loves’ and ‘I’m not here to make friends’, in for the myriad of meavage (man cleavage) – exposing V-necks and mascara-stained cheeks. In for it all.
Don’t get me wrong. I still have some doubts about how Sean will handle these ladies and how exciting of a season it’ll be. I mean seriously his Twitter profile actually says “I love the little things in life like good food, road trips, TX country music and great conversation. Most importantly, I love Jesus!” He loves Jesus? Like enough to give the big man a shout-out on Twitter? Not too sure about this. Nothing against Big J and all, but you’d think the target audience for this show is looking for a little more ‘Who’s your daddy?’ and a little less ‘Who’s your Heavenly Father?’ Just sayin’.
Regardless, the dude is easy on the eyes. We’ll always have that. His body, is, well, divine, his smile is pretty damn cute and let’s throw him a bone – I do believe he’s ‘there for the right reasons’. We all watched him get blindsided Survivor style by the critically-acclaimed fame whore Emily Maynard (come on, she played us all), and we felt as bad for him as we felt for any Bachelor sloppy second. I’m sure by the end we’ll be weeping openly as he completes his ‘journey’ to find love. Well, I probably will.
It was nice to come home again. To see the familiar montages of said bachelor deep in thought, leaning against a tree, being a family man, crashing someone’s wedding photos, climbing a random cliff as the gentle breeze forces his shorts to cling desperately to his package…you know – the usual. It’s clear the guy wants a home filled with love and laughter, but looks like he’s plenty full in other areas, no?
The visit from Arie was a nice touch, even if it was just a ratings grab. For a brief moment, Arie was able to extract some semblance of humour from Sean and we all took a moist stroll down memory lane as we remembered Arie’s kissing skills so fondly. Sure, Sean scored some points for chasing Emily down an alley and (non-violently – that would just be awkward) pushing her up against the wall in (I think) Prague, but no one holds a candle to Arie – even if the poor kid probably has Herpes now thanks to Courtney). And while Arie was correct in proclaiming sloppy tongue action as a no-no in the kissing department – let’s just be clear; he was talking about the face.
There truly is nothing like a season of the Bachelor. Sure, when it’s a Bachelorette, you get all the eye candy of the guys and it’s fun to be reminded that men are just as nuts as we are, but seriously, there is nothing like a season of the Bachelor to entertain us week after week, remind us how many crazy bitches there are out there and above all else, how happy I am to be married.
I feel like right out of the gate we need to give some props to the producers for adding a little flavour to the season with – gasp – actual racial and ethnic minorities! Good on them for going for skin tones other than those that can be selected by number on a spray tanning machine (though there were plenty of those as well).
The glimpses we caught of most of the girls profiled at the beginning filled several required roles; the (washed up) model who announces that the other girls will be jealous of her, instead of letting nature take its course (and who by the way, I don’t think is that hot at all). The small town girls oozing Southern charm and Daddy’s little girl-ness. The bubbly brunette who makes out with her dog, the obsessive compulsive who thinks her neuroses are charming.
Right out of the gate, I thought Desiree, the wedding stylist was pretty adorable. And though I did think Tierra was cute in a stab-me-in-the-eye kinda way, in the back of my mind, the reel of promotional clips from the season that I have seen 47 times just keeps reminding me that she’s the villain this time around and not to get too close.
Obviously, I was all in for Diana, because I think single moms are pretty much the most unbelievable people ever and you should always, always root for them. Even if they wear workout tops to cocktail parties.
I’m not sure if I felt bad for Ashley, the 50 Shades addict within the first few minutes or only by the end of the show. Pretty sure it was right out of the gate (and pretty sure I repeatedly wondered throughout her screen time if she had recently suffered a stroke). Seriously – 50 Shades? I read the first two, but by the middle of the third, I was just done. Done reading about the word ‘sex’as a noun, done with him putting Baby in a corner. Done. Spent. Bored. Do your research, girl. He’s religious. Tantalizing him with a bit of S&M while you Jersey Turnpike yourself in a corner may not be the most direct path to his heart. Time to go back to bed and spin the record with your cat.
And then there’s yet another Ashley (in what seemed like a truly endless stream of Ashleys – even for this show) – this time spelled AshLee. I of course welled up with tears hearing about how she went through six foster homes before she became a Pastor’s daughter and finally found her place in the world. And she’s pretty much a woman after my own heart after catching a glimpse of her closet and make-up bin (nothing’s hotter to a man than a neurotic freak, right? No nagging in his future, nosiree…) But when I saw how she immediately cut Tierra (who so far had not shown signs of being an evil bitch) down to size by announcing that though she did get a rose first it wasn’t the first impression rose, I thought, okay. Something’s not adding up. I mean seriously do these girls not realize how absolutely ridiculous they sound even discussing a ‘first impression rose’ in the first place??? Either way, I think she’ll go pretty far. Just wait’ll he hears she’s a Pastor’s daughter. He’ll be asking ‘will you accept this communion wafer’ in no time at all and the rest, as they say, will be history.
The other intros at the limo were mostly the usual…a football toss (for the random display of athleticism), a country music extravaganza (gotta have that first awkward serenade), a lame-ass secret handshake my five year old could have made so much cooler (orchestrated by a girl who looked like she hadn’t showered since last Thursday). An attempt at being a sultry seductress, voice oozing with sex, hair weighing down neck, hips swaying slowly to the point where one wonders if there’s a club foot hiding under that pageant gown circa 1992. The alarming come-back of the word ‘hunk’. Yawn.
And then there was some new material that falls into the ‘I will hate myself when I watch this moment of my life on TV’ category. Like, oh, I don’t know, a BRUTAL slow-motion botchery of a back flip in a freakin’ gold sequin dress or a WEDDING DRESS that no doubt awkwardly took up half the limo on the way over. A wiping of Sean’s face with a cleavage sweat-catching Kleenex and an awkward moment, intended to be just that – an awkward moment. I mean honestly, can’t these girls just be cool and funny and sweet? Is that too much to ask?
And then there are the curve balls. Like Paige, the Bachelor Pad super-fan reject who really, really needs to find a new show to watch. I’m not sure what the deal was with labelling her a Jumbotron Operator when I just read an article about her recently being named the GM of an up-and-coming Minnesota-based App development company. The girl is actually smart even if she’s a man-repeller. Interesting. Other curve balls? Well, there’s Kasie B, the former fourth-placer from Ben’s season whose harsh parents led to her ultimate demise – well, that and her hair. I wonder what her conservative parents have to say about the dress she chose (or more importantly the fact that she hasn’t eaten since Ben gave her the axe.) Cry for help much? In any case, she was a sweetheart and all the expected talk from the other girls about how people don’t really deserve a second chance on this show and it’s not fair that she’s there made me laugh. If not for second chances, where would Brad Womack, Emily Maynard, Jake Pavelka, Ben Flajnik, Jason Mesnick, Jillian Harris and Trista Sutter be?
And finally, there’s the elephant in the room. Sarah from LA who just so happens to have one arm. This could be interesting, logistics wise alone! After all this show is built on a solid foundation of hand job blankets!
Listen. She’s a very pretty girl and seems sweet enough, even though I didn’t particularly find her to be bursting with personality. Part of me was like ‘you go girlfriend with your one-armed bad self!’ and the other part, I’ll admit, was thinking for ‘the love of God, Captain Hook that thing’. It’s hard to tell if Sean was truly that into her during their one on one time, where she pointed out, in case he didn’t notice, that she has one arm. He didn’t take his eyes away from hers once, but was that cuz he’s totally into her, or just trying not to stare at it? All jokes aside, good for her for putting herself out there, despite her physical limitation, much like Katie the yoga instructor, who in my opinion, could have spent a little less time saluting the sun at dawn and a little more time saluting some anti-frizz. Oh well. Namaste.
I don’t think Sean really needed to be there greeting the girls. He literally said the same thing to every single girl – I almost missed Brad Smith from The Bachelor Canada squealing with glee about their dresses at one point. And it’s as if the girls knew he would suck from the get-go, because as the limos pulled up, you could hear the chorus of ‘oh look at the poor thing, bless his heart, shame, oh he’s soooooo cute!’ like he was a puppy in a pet store.
Yes, the whirlwind of intros and one-on-one time pillaging is over and we are left with a whole whack of girls whose names I mostly can’t remember. Sure there are some obvious choices, like Tierra and Dez who clearly made an impression on him, but then there are some other surprises, like the Claire Dunphy-esque Taryn, who didn’t appear to be bursting with confidence as she slobbered all over herself, yet insisted it would be impossible for him not to notice her. And what’s-her-name with the handshake. Let’s just assume it’s Ashley for argument’s sake.
Even though we’re right at the beginning (yay!), I feel like this season has already taught us so many valuable life lessons and rules – especially for girls trying out for reality dating shows – to live by. Such as:
- The phrase hindsight is 20/20 – well, it’s an important one. If there is any doubt in your mind, ANY thought, that doing something like wearing a wedding dress, or singing a song on your first ever experience on TV is not the best idea, listen to your gut and DON’T DO IT. On the fence? How about watching past seasons and seeing how well it’s worked out? Or better yet, read this blog. I’ll shoot you straight.
- In the wise words or Sarah (not me!), it’s easier just to date a girl with two arms. Well, this is true.
- When a guy tells you he has a rape whistle, he’s just not that into you.
- Do not, I repeat, do not, starve yourself all day and then calm your nerves on champagne. Do. Not. You’ll have plenty of time to think about why this isn’t a good idea as you go barrelling down a flight of stairs screaming about how your mom is ready to meet her future son in law. Shame.
- You put all this time into your look – make-up, hair, dress. For the love of god, tuck in those straps, ladies.
- A smiley cry beats an ugly cry. Every time.
Good luck, Sean! You’re gonna need it with this lot and I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Now being the nice Jewish girl that I am, I don’t have too much experience with this – but it seems to work for others. So if you’re in a jam, and not sure what path to choose, let that age old acronym guide you home – WWJD.
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Till next week!