So, here we are.
I can’t believe our first season of Bachelor Canada has come to an end. I gotta say, I think we’ve got it mostly right. Last night’s episode had all of the critical elements needed for a successful finale. Excessive montages of said bachelor deep in thought in various poses including wading in a pool, leaning over a deck, driving on the open road, walking on a beach and sitting on a couch. Fierce winds brought in especially for the final rose ceremony. Abundant displays of pathetic fallacies – a term which I never thought I’d glean so much use out of back in University as an English major, but with its meaning attributed to human emotions or moods being reflected in elements of nature, this phrase was pretty much coined for The Bachelor. Think rain starting to come down as Brad and Whitney cap their final date off with a confusing argument. Think sun shining brightly as Brad wakes up with a new sense of clarity on the final morning. Get it? You’re welcome.
And dare I say, with the outcome of last night’s show, we may have actually successfully achieved the most shocking finale ever in Bachelor History! I don’t even think Chris Harrison could argue this point. If that doesn’t make you want to bust out your finest Maple syrup and do shots in your igloo, what will?
When Brad started out his date with Whitney, other than the little peekaboo of Whitney’s panties (I know, who says ‘panties’?) as she nervously crossed and uncrossed her legs, I wasn’t impressed with her overall final impression. I don’t know if she was expecting things with Brad to get rough or something, but those brass knuckles she called an accessory weren’t exactly the right look to go with her plaid mini.
Shockingly (or not at this point, since I am constantly mystified by the hold she has on him), Brad begins the date by apologizing for asking Whitney to be open about her feelings and forcing her into a position where she felt compelled to derail the last rose ceremony when Kara was sent home. Seriously? You are actually apologizing for trying to understand how a girl feels about you who may become your fiancée in a matter of weeks? The nerve!
The two embark on another athletic activity in the hopes of keeping their relationship based solely on competition and sexual tension and then it’s time to meet the fam for dinner.
I have to admit, I assumed that based on the harsh attitude of Brad’s sister Ashley portrayed in the previews, she would end up being just another single, bitter, jealous sister of the bachelor to go down in history on the show as appearing, well, single, bitter and jealous. Add her to the list of Ben Flajnik’s sister, Ashley Hebert’s and on and on. So I was pleasantly surprised to note that she did in fact have a husband and two adorable faux hawk-sporting boys. I was even happier to find that she was onto Whitney. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
I’m rarely at a loss for words, but honestly, almost every moment of Whitney on camera had me completely dumbfounded. Was this editing, or did the girl literally sit there not speaking when people were asking her direct questions??? Watching Brad try to rescue her from being ‘misunderstood’ by his family was absolutely ludicrous. It was embarrassing. It was amazing. She couldn’t even come up with a reason why she was drawn to Brad, no matter how many ways his family rephrased it or omitted big words to help her out.
And then, when she was called into the kitchen (which could really use a countertop and cabinet upgrade, no?) to help prep the single casserole his mom was serving, even then when she was given a window of opportunity to redeem herself and give the ladies some confidence in her feelings about Brad, she epically failed there too.
It was pretty obvious that unless Bianka accidentally murdered one of Brad’s family members at the dinner table, there’s no possible way her date could go any worse than Whitney’s. Despite the distraction of her camel toe at first, and my awareness the long-term relationship success rate of the show, I quickly felt at ease on their date and began ‘falling for them’.
They inhale Brad’s favourite hot dogs and head over to the family abode where Bianka basically runs circles around Whitney. By the end of the night, she and Ashley are planning their next slumber party and his mother has already crocheted her Christmas stocking for the Smith family mantle.
Still, if there was any doubt about which direction the family was headed in, it’s quickly clarified by the direct orders in the family meeting afterwards, where Brad is told point blank that Bianka (aka the ‘warm breeze’) is the one for him and Hurricane Whitney is not in the running. Usually the family offers some general advice and tells the Bachelor that it’s up to them and they’ll be supported in any way they need, but not so here. Love it.
Now, it’s crunch time and we had back to Barbados where Brad had the poignant realization not long ago that he was a douche bag and would die alone if he didn’t smarten up.
He meets up with Bianka, who’s wearing the most offensive maternity pants I’ve ever seen and the two hop on horses for a quick polo match. Other than looking like they both sharted afterwards as they walked away, the date was pretty much perfect. I was actually quite moved by the emotion they both displayed and the distance they were filmed at as they just enjoyed each other’s’ company, walking along the beach. It really brought their relationship to life and for a brief, fleeting moment, I drank the Kool-Aid and thought to myself – ‘Maybe they’ll make it’. Nicely done.
The next day, Brad meets up with Whitney for probably the weirdest final date of all time. It starts out as expected, on a lovely boat, fittingly called Never Enough (because that’s what it would be like trying to please Whitney for the rest of Brad’s life), enjoying the open sea, reveling in the sun-kissed glory of the island. But quickly, the night turns sour and seemingly out of the blue, Whitney decides she and Brad don’t know how to communicate and she isn’t sure of how he feels. Um…are you serious? At first I was a bit dumbfounded, since he has communicated his feelings more openly to these women all along than probably any bachelor in history (and probably even more than he’s contractually allowed to). Then I’m all, here’s a thought; if it’s still this hard just to date and you’re still not feeling like you understand each other at all, um, maybe, just maybe, you guys should not get married?
At this point, I started to get suspicious. Because really, the stuff Whitney was spewing was just complete BS and I began to wonder if the girl was on something or one of her implants was leaking into her brain.
The next morning totally sealed the deal for me. Brad wakes up a man on a mission and walks through a random field toss Whitney to the curb. She answers the door as if she was expecting him and though she tries to speak first, he put his foot down (hot) and dives right in to how it isn’t working. Instead of having an adult conversation, she hides in a closet where they no doubt keep her straightjacket and only comes out to clarify for him he is not allowed to say hurtful things to her. The word ‘huh’ was invented for moments like this. HUH???
For almost this entire interaction I just sat there totally stunned, fingers poised over keyboard waiting to snap back into reality and for the love of god type something.
And that’s when I saw it. That totally obvious, smirk on her face as she sauntered into the waiting cab without a single piece of luggage, confirmed a moment later in the car as she gave a direct, evil little smile right into the camera. Did you catch it? If you didn’t, you best rewind that shit and look. So there it is. She got what she wanted. She made it to the end. She got the most camera time possible. And now she’s leaving ‘on her terms’ to pursue whatever doors she thinks her time on this show will open. Perhaps a girl-on-girl shoot with Melissa-Marie in the made up Playboy magazine she supposedly models in? Perhaps a promotion from her current career as an Executive Assistant to ‘Office Manager’?
Fast forward to the good stuff – Brad picks a ring for the true love of his life (aka default fiancée) Bianka, becomes besties with Paul Tacori and sheds a few tears to get us all in the mood for some good old fashioned romance.
Don’t get me wrong – by this time, as predicted, I am fully invested and already feeling the tears well up as I eagerly await the final moment. When Bianka stepped into Brad’s view, I’m not sure if he was crying because of how pretty she looked (good thing her hair was back or her lip gloss would have been a bitch in that wind) or if he was crying from the glare of Tyler Harcott’s mustard coloured suit and watching Tyler awkwardly figure out if he should kiss Bianka before he released her. Either way, adorable.
And just like that, we’re done. They exchange loving words, he proposes, she says yes, they perform the final painful act of exchanging that final cheesy rose, they run the scenes of their four whole dates and we all move on with our lives.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I like Bianka and I like Brad. Despite the ‘ridiclousosity’ of this show, I still have hope for them, because that’s what makes me a die-hard fan. So my fingers and toes are crossed for these two, even though we’ll probably hear about their break-up before they even pass go and collect two hundred dollars. How about you?
Don’t miss ‘After the Final Rose’ next week – which really should be called ‘WTF Whitney’. Honestly.