Ah, The Women Tell All…one of the finest displays of fake apologies, insincere compliments and an estrogen-infused studio audience there is.
I for one, eat this stuff up, but with this episode, I was immediately distracted by some glaring absences.
First, where was Bubba? You know, Rebecca, the unfortunate but hilarious hot polka dot mess of a drunk chick that cracked under the pressure of being surrounded by a bunch of skinny bitches on night one)? Apparently, the girl who claimed not to ‘chase cock’, is also not chasing fame, by not exercising her right to the additional two and a half minutes she’d garner on top of the proverbial 15 by showing up for the taping. I could make up some reason why she wasn’t there and throw out a few snide remarks about her, but the truth is, I missed the girl. I was hoping she’d be there to represent, but alas, no dice.
What else did I notice? Well for one thing, I’m proud to say that with the exception of patches of Laura B’s face, all of the girls’ complexions looked positively natural! Normally, the cast members of the US versions are so beyond orange for these reunion shows that it’s as if they wet banana-ed onto the set through a lake full of spray tan. Not so for our hometown girls. Pink is definitely the new orange.
You know what else I’ve decided? I’ve pretty much felt this all along, but as the season draws to a close, I’d like to go on record. I’ve decided I really like Brad. Seriously. He’s a swell chap. And I don’t even think this is the Kool-Aid talking.
First of all, he’s funny – you can tell when he’s interviewed, on the odd occasion on his dates and most definitely in the ‘bloopers’ shown following each episode if you stick around for those that the guy has a great sense of humour and doesn’t take himself too seriously. If his moment ‘cheersing ‘ Bianka and saying ‘aw, cheeseburger,’ then spitting out half his drink doesn’t reveal that side of him to you, well, you’re just not looking hard enough. Yep, humour is pretty much the most important glue in a relationship (in my expert opinion) and Brad has some for sure.
Second of all – the guy’s got some serious integrity. The way he almost bitch-slapped Whitney for her overtaking of the rose ceremony, forcing her apology to Kara last week, or the way he took the time to single out Laura B to give her a much-needed ego boost during The Women Tell All, or his explanation for why he would have released Chantelle out of respect for her principles. He knows what the right thing is and god-dammit, he does it.
Third, looks wise, he grows on you. He may not have seemed superhot in all those multi-hued v-necks seven weeks ago, but his smile is definitely fantastic, his green eyes are gorg and he can totally rock a backwards baseball hat.
I feel like we’ve gotten to know him over this past season much more than we know any of these chicks. So I now propose that we should just cut this season short and round up a whole new group of girls that we could actually see him with. Who’s with me? It’ll be a shame to watch the inevitable destruction of the relationship with whomever he chooses next week, so I think we should just avoid it all together and start fresh.
Back to The Women Tell All and the women in mini-dresses perched just high enough on those stools that you can practically see their uteruses as they cross their legs (like really, Ana? We get it. You have nice legs).
Blissfully, we didn’t have to focus too much on many of them individually so we got right to the major standouts. Melissa-Marie, looking straight from the gym, tried to blame her bad time on the girls whom she expected to support her more in her absence from her daughter. What did you want them to do, ask for some teet to recreate the mother-child bond? When that strategy failed, she went for the old faithful, ‘he wasn’t my type anyways, so I left.’
This strategy of claiming that Brad wasn’t their type seemed to be Tia’s as well (I know – who?) Tia, who apparently let Brad know she wasn’t interested in him in Mexico but ‘respected the process enough’ to stay anyways and receive a rose. I think it’s pretty safe to say Tia’s nose grew a bit on that line – not as big as Laura F’s mind you, but still not exactly truthful. And I think we can all agree that had she actually said that to Brad, there is no way he would have kept her around since he changed the rules of the show every five minutes in order to be truthful to the process. Busted, Biatch.
And speaking of Pinocchio, did anyone else feel like Michelle B was like the Jiminy Cricket of the night, sitting on our shoulders, regaling us all with tales of bullying and staying true to oneself?
First up in the hot-seat, who else but Gabi? To a wild chorus of boos, Gabi stumbles over to Tyler’s awaiting arms and within minutes, she has had to learn the harsh lesson that sometimes, opinions (expressed in that annoying accent of hers) are not facts. Crazy, I know. Though I did despise Gabi on night one, and still don’t really have a taste for her, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for her for her treatment of Whitney. I’m confused as to why these girls claim that she’s the sweetest person you’ll ever meet in the same breath that they’re telling her that she’s a mean girl and a (tiny, pretty) bully.
When faced with the question of who Brad will choose in the end, of course she says Bianka. What else would she say – Whitney? Then she’d be proving her statement that ‘skanks finish last’ all wrong and as we all know, if nothing else, Gabi ‘speaks the truth’.
And then there’s Chantelle, the audience favourite (and apparently the cast members’ favourite too, given that she apparently has changed all their lives. I mean, fine, she’s cute and everything, but she ain’t no Teresa Caputo. Now that woman – life change-a.
So we learn that it wasn’t fate that brought Chantelle to Brad, but rather a church-wide road trip that took a turn at Unexpected Avenue.
But just as the angel is getting comfy in the hot-seat, it becomes time to turn it over to the devil as Whitney takes the stage, dressed symbolically in black. To refresh our memories, we’re given a lovely montage of Whitney’s finest moments, including admitting that she’s a bitch, threatening punches at camera guys, shoving her way into Brad’s hotel room, and promising to outwit and outsmart the other girls. Um, does someone want to tell her that she’s on the wrong reality show? Where’s Jeff Probst when you need him?
It’s nice to see that she splurged and got her mustache done for the occasion. She looks the most well-groomed that she has since the show started and – dare I say – pretty. But still, there’s nothing pretty about insincere apologies for offending the entire show’s population, and I think both Gabi and Ana make good points – Gabi congratulating her on succeeding in her goal of getting all of the attention all season and Ana’s observation that she won’t open up because she doesn’t have actual feelings for Brad to open up about and it’s really just about ‘winning’. When Gabi calls Whitney arrogant, it was a little bit of ‘Hi, Pot? It’s Kettle. You’re Black.’, but nevertheless, some strong arguments were made.
And then there’s Kara – who I’m still not over, yet apparently I’m the only one. Even she pulled the whole ‘I’m just not that into you’ line about Brad. Huh?
When Brad joins the group, despite the fact that he’s crying within minutes, he takes a pretty strong stance, addressing the women he chooses to personally and defending any actions he likes – even admitting to stacking a challenge team so he could have some time with poor house-arrested Nicole. The only thing that’s pretty indefensible, really, is his taste in women, but nobody’s perfect, right?
So next week, the girls go on their final dates and meet the families. I think it’s pretty safe to say that Brad’s sister (gee, I wonder if she’s single), is one angry scene-stealer. It’ll be interesting to watch her and Whitney go head to head.
In the meantime, if you could ask Brad, Bianka or Whitney a question, what would it be? Huffington Post, which I’m covering The Bachelor Canada for, has ten minutes with Brad all lined up for next week and we want to be your voice. Whether you’re a die-hard fan or a guy forced to watch with your girlfriend, what burning questions (inappropriate and otherwise) do you have for the trio in these last few moments?
For this week, that’s about it. Will Gabi be proven wrong and the skank will finish first? Either way, if it doesn’t work out, I’m pretty sure there’s a horse from the out-takes, waiting for Brad to (literally and otherwise), give it some sugar.
Till next week!
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