If ridiculousosity is not a word, well, then, consider it one now.
Really, Brad? You’re on episode four and already scheduling hometown dates for next week when many of the girls have spent less time with you than it takes to grow back the hair they lost during last week’s epic shaving party? Really?
I’m seriously trying to figure out the rationale. At the time of filming, there were obviously no ratings, so it couldn’t possibly be that the show is tanking and they need to speed it up. So what is it then? Is he really that ‘serious’ about spending ‘quality time’ only with the girls he’s truly interested in (that’s gotta hurt for those that didn’t make the cut, no?) And if he was that serious, wouldn’t he want to lengthen the process so that, oh, I don’t know, he doesn’t make any rash decisions and follow in the same doomed direction of almost every past couple from this franchise???
Putting my rant aside (and feel free, by the way, to shed any sort of light on the issues above, if you so desire), we’re now left with eight girls. Since it’s only episode four, I feel like I really don’t have much more to say about them other than my initial thoughts on night one, but apparently that doesn’t matter.
Kara is still my top pick, though she does wear a bit too much lipstick, Gabrielle has still not spent any actual time with Brad, though she insists that he’s a perfect guy for her and is otherwise completely preoccupied with beating Whitney. Britney and Laura B are still horribly insecure, Whitney still makes me nauseous (and I believe I caught the beginnings of a mustache this week), Ana is still hot, Chantelle is still sugar and spice and everything nice and Bianka is still a bit of a mystery.
Nevertheless, we have three dates to get through this week; a four-on-one, a one-on-one and the dreaded two-on-one – where inevitably, there’s only one rose, so one stays and one goes. As Tyler delivers the news, there is an audible moan from the ladies and the only one who doesn’t seem to be perturbed is Whitney, who‘s in some sort of meditative trance.
So Ana, Kara, Britney and Gabrielle head out for the four-on-one to attend their very own fashion shoot for Lou Lou Magazine – jealous much? While the rest of the gang seems to be excited about the opportunity to model for the day, for some reason it triggers a mini-meltdown in small-town Britney who is all of a sudden the most insecure, camera-shy girl ever (um , you know you’re on a TV show, right?) To be honest, I don’t know what Britney is really that insecure about (I’m assuming she didn’t overhear Gabi’s classless ‘makeup can make anyone look good’ comment.) She’s actually a really pretty girl, who doesn’t need fourteen pounds of faux lashes and double-sided tape to keep her implants in check like Gabi. So what if she’s not perfect and she sort of looks like Hilary Swank’s less angry sister. Look at Brad, girlfriend! He rocks his man boobs week after week, so go on with your bad self!
I think the cutest parts of the date were the moments watching Brad flirt as the girls got their hair did. The casual leaning on their make-up chairs, that crinkly-eyed smile, the backwards baseball hat…there’s no denying he turns up the cute meter every now and then. This episode further revealed his soft side for sure and if I liked men with vaginas, I might even be into him. Of all the photo shoots, his moment with Kara definitely seemed the most real and warm. That and of course the handful of Ana’s ass he insisted on cupping through his shoot with her.
So after an exhausting day of feigning sexual tension in the hopes of getting a good shot, it’s (where else?) back to Brad’s hotel room to sit around and drink while staring at a rose on a platter.
This episode’s confession is brought to us by Britney who reveals her father’s alcoholism and depression to Brad as an explanation of why she is guarded and lacks confidence. I think it would be really interesting to do a study on the ratio between girls with, and girls without daddy issues on this show overall –historically, the show seems to draw them in and I bet the numbers would be astounding.
Anyhoodles, Brad, being the politician’s son that he is, says the perfect thing to reassure Britney that she’s just fine the way she is and heads back to the party to pussy out on giving out the rose for the evening.
In the meantime, back at the house, Chantelle frolics into the kitchen, date card in hand as the other girls grimace from having to endure her voice without having had their morning coffee yet. ‘Let’s take a walk in the city of love,” she proclaims and if you watch the outtakes following the show, you’ll see just how long it took the girls to figure out that it was duh – Paris!
Since Whitney knows she won’t be seeing Brad for a few more days, she decides she needs to mark her territory just in case he’s getting feelings for any of the other girls in her absence. She reveals that she ‘thinks’ she has a pretty good idea of where he ’might’ be staying and then proceeds to follow her Spidey senses and sprint directly to his hotel room without passing go or collecting two hundred dollars. That didn’t seem planned. Not at all.
Though the start to her visit was pretty comical – with her bursting into his suite and literally pushing past him into the room, while he once again, flashes his labia and freaks out at the idea of them getting in trouble for her secret visit, it quickly took an emotional turn as he embraced the opportunity to tell her the story of his two best friends’ passing . I of course, was bawling right along with him as he unsuccessfully fought back the tears flowing from his piercing green eyes and the moment reaffirmed for me that when all is said and done, regardless of what sort of a mess this season might be, he is basically a good guy. I’m not quite sure what Whitney did to deserve hearing about this tragic part of Brad’s life before anyone else other than wear 16 tank tops at a time. Maybe it was her comforting parting statement – “I better get that one on one date” – that made him feel at ease.
Cut to Bianka and Laura B, the chosen ones for the two-one-one and in that editing that I’m starting to realize is signature Bachelor Canada, within milliseconds we’re at the Eiffel Tower and left wondering if we blinked and missed an entire scene.
Laura B – in a sea of beige-on-beige, which quickly turns to beige-on-filth in the pouring rain starts us off. They wander around and make their way back to his hotel room where they snuggle up in robes, exude a few minutes of cuteness and before you know it, Bianka is sneaking up behind Brad (and fully scaring him) on their date (which appears to be the latter half of the day since Brad’s wearing the same outfit). It’s pretty much the same, with a coffee stop along the way and the chance to hear Brad bust out the Francais. Then, like rapid-fire, night arrives and they get all dolled up, Laura in a dress most certainly inspired by Mindy’s latest kill and Brad in his homage to Miami Vice. He quickly throws Laura to the curb (Bianka doesn’t even say goodbye to Laura and I thought they were friends!) and the happy couple trots away together, her nostrils flaring, into the sunset. Yup. That fast.
It’s no surprise that Whitney gets the one on one date, and as she sat there the next morning, smugly eyeing Chantelle for a reaction, her ridiculous Donna Martin Graduates boobs casting weird shadows on themselves in the kitchen, I was like, ”do I really have to watch this?”
But alas, I do. I’m not quite sure why there was a need for a whole role-playing scenario to be mapped out for us where Whitney would descend and then Brad could rescue her and they could plummet to land with the theme song of Chariots of Fire playing in the background. Couldn’t they just repel? And honestly, wouldn’t it have just been better (or at least better TV) to leave her there??? Surprise, surprise, they ‘accomplish their goal’ of rescuing each other, and despite her horrific patchwork bustier on their evening date, she snags yet another rose to decorate her web.
As we’re getting the bad news that Whitney gets to stay, Chantelle is getting the news that her grandpa passed away (rather matter-of-factly from her dad, no?) It’s probably better this way, that she’s leaving her pride and virginity intact but no doubt she has left an indelible mark on the house and when she said goodbye to the girls and Brad, it was a sad moment for everyone. And…scene.
Cocktail party time! Brad swoops in, grabs his girlie drink waiting at the door and gets ready to give two more girls the boot. He and Gabi settle in looking like they’re literally trapped in a raging fire and no sooner has Gabi gotten comfy under the hand job blanket, then Whitney swoops in to interrupt them. Again. Even Brad was like ‘Oh no you DI-IN’T!!!
Tyler assembles the girls, makes some remark about loss and reminds us how ridiculous it is that Brad will be meeting the families of girls he barely knows for the first time and potentially asking for their father’s blessings – good luck with Gabi’s daddy, buddy!
With Bianka and Whitney safe for the night, he hands out a rose to Kara and then has his signature rose ceremony breakdown before making a (clearly irrational) decision to keep Gabi. Seriously?
And there you have it. I honestly can’t believe that we’re four episodes in and almost finished the season, but apparently we are. Thoughts on next week? There’s nothing like meeting the fam to kick things up a notch on this show, so I for one am looking forward to it.
Till next week!