You would think that by now I have learned my lesson. That by now I would understand that editing is a wondrous thing and can make you believe that the most simple of episodes, the most benign occurrences, will be fraught with excitement, tension and emotional turmoil.
These are the hopes I had settling into last night’s episode, but alas, apart from a newfound respect for professional musicians and a serious distaste for turquoise spandex, I sadly am left with not much. To say I am underwhelmed by the couples on last night’s episode would be an understatement, but then again, I was underwhelmed by them all from the beginning.
It was obvious by the previews of the episode that Rachel was the winner of any of the major competitions, given that every moment captured her in emotional turmoil at the thought of making any decision without Michael Stagliano. Wah Wah Wah. Get over it.
After the sweet departure of Kalon and Lindzi last week, I was not so interested in watching this group of eight toast themselves, much less have to hear Chris delivering the inspiring remarks and from the moment this episode began, I felt like I was watching The Curious Case of Blakely Button. Could this girl age any faster? I don’t get it…is it the stress? The sun? Having to hang out with Tony?
I was pretty excited to see the gang enter the backyard and take in the scenery of their first challenge. Why the girls (except for Blakely who chose the elastic waist version of the short short – much more comfortable at her age) had to don the uniform of jean cut-offs and a bikini top to prep for the challenge, I don’t get. Wouldn’t you be worried about a boob hanging out of the bottom of your string bikini once you’re hanging from mid-air? Don’t these people think of these things???
Rachel, who clearly is devoting most of her time to thinking about Michael, and let’s be honest, the rest of the time hitting the donuts pretty hard, clearly doesn’t give the strategy for this human version of Cut The Rope too much thought when she decides that Nick, the one with the most upper body strength in the house, is going to sit and polish his toenails and reminisce about previous seasons while she holds on for dear life as if the prize for winning this competition is a lifetime supply of McDonald’s happy meals.
So what a surprise, Sarah knows everything there is to know about the Bachelor…I mean we already know she’s a big fan, considering she came out from her season in the 1700’s to score a spot on this season of Bachelor Pad. So she pulls out the win, avoids a beating from Chris (nice to see the bruises on her legs clearing up slightly), and off they go to straddle each other and congratulate themselves on being The Little Power Couple That Could.
It was no surprise to me that Blakely and Tony were the couple to be cut. I mean I do totally feel bad for Tony – the guy has a kid after all and he is super-nice, but a) there is no way Chris would allow Blakely to be anywhere close to him in the finals – even I can concede that revenge is sweet even if it’s Chris that gets to experience it and b) despite my own personal distaste for Blakely, between her sob story about Hooters University and not having cable, and his status as a single dad, they would be given the cash by the other cast-mates for sure. I’m not sure why Ed, sporting his short shorts, and Jaclyn chose not to address Chris and Sarah in front of the group like the others but either way, based on Blakely’s ugly cry as Chris and Sarah took their spots, it was pretty clear that Blakely knew she wasn’t going to make it. Of course, before they dropped the bomb Chris had to make yet another speech basically tooting his own horn and saying how they got where they are because of them and them only. And of course, he had to throw in some accusations about other cast-mates not listening to him and following his every whim. Imagine the gall of supporting your partner and not the whiny, abusive alcoholic in the top bunk next to you. Honestly – some people!
Alas, Blakely is gone and sadly, we’ll no longer hear the pitter patter of her hooves trotting around the Pad. Of course, Tony joins Blakely in her limo – I don’t think his leash would have extended far enough to his own – and we have to endure him telling her how amazing she is and how he wants to take it to the next level with her. All I can think about as I listen to the poor guy pour his heart out while Blakely half-listens and makes some comment that doesn’t even make sense about the surprise of their new love, is Tony’s poor son. I mean think about it. The guy leaves with a promise of bringing Emily home and comes back with Blakely??? And no money??? That’s a pretty shitty looking end of a stick if you ask me.
Though I’m not sure about Tony, I can’t imagine Blakely at least not getting cable out of this. I mean at the bare minimum Hooters should throw the girl some endorsement, no? Or at least some free chicken wings? And if that doesn‘t work out, I’m sure there’s an In N Out Burger application with her name on it somewhere. Might as well branch out.
The next morning (or later that afternoon, or whenever it was) the gang awaits their next challenge and I must say, despite his weird sex noises, Ed certainly can rock a plaid shirt. That is some tasty business. Rachel is still in mourning over the loss of Michael, but Nick seems to be in fine form, eager to get this party started. Too bad between his sunburn and his chapped lips, he looks like he just survived a plane crash in the desert.
When the gang enters the concert hall and we see the band performing (what’s their name again? Blade Runner? Running Journey?), I am completely confused. How did this happen? Seriously how did it come to be that this band got the opportunity to be on this show? Is one of the producers’ grandfather’s a huge fan? This makes less sense than the casting of the role of ‘the sister’ in Magic Mike, quite possibly one of the worse played roles in a feature film of all time – I mean seriously how many people did that sourpuss have to blow to get that role? In any case, the lead singer is either completely ecstatic to be there or has had so much Botox that he can’t possibly make any other facial expression. I think the only one more excited than him is Ed, who has this song on his running mix?
Anyways, I get it, the song is a ‘power ballad’, one of those songs we all love but know none of the words to. Clearly none of these cast-mates took the time to understand what the song was about as they were learning to butcher it because as Nick said, in possibly the funniest line of the night which really isn’t saying much, the song is about a brother giving advice to his sister and the performances consisted of various stages of humpery all over the stage.
To be honest, as rehearsals took place, I really barely made any notes as I was simply dumbfounded by the singing. Really Sarah? That is actually your singing voice? Is it because of the stroke? You sound like an old British lady having an orgasm. I don’t know why their vocal coaches were wasting time with mouth stretching exercises…these girls didn’t make it onto this show by keeping their mouths shut, that’s for sure. Ed’s vocal stylings were akin to a white man rapping while trying to take a dump and Rachel’s manly voice didn’t exactly scream sing your heart out to me.
Mercifully the rehearsals ended and it’s go time. The limo pulls up and the eight people that could be scrounged up off the street take their positions squealing and cheering for likely, people that they don’t know because really how recognizable are Nick and Sarah? Hair and makeup eagerly await and instantly Jaclyn is transformed into a school girl gone very wrong, and Sarah pours herself into pants that could only ever be compared to Olivia Newton John’s in Grease. Ouch. I don’t know how Chris got away with basically wearing a regular t shirt and jeans while Nick looks like a grown man dressed as a chicken and Ed looks like, well, who cares, Ed can pull off any look.
Clearly the contestants are super-nervous. I think Jaclyn describes it best when she mimics her own heartbeat…at its healthy, regular speed…right…
Overall, I think it’s safe to say I’d rather be listening to the comforting whirr of white noise while getting an MRI, than ever have to endure that kind of singing again. Despite Nick’s air guitar, which clearly demonstrates the fact that he has never picked up a guitar in his life, Rachel and Nick set the bar high…by not being beyond horrific like the others and the fact is that Rachel is beautiful and looked super hot up there. Jaclyn and Ed – a completely different story. Her boobs arrived on stage a full nine minutes before she did and I don’t know what was worse, totally missing her cue, having her drop the F bomb before the first verse was even done, listening to them actually stop in the middle and ask to start again (what do you think this is, American Idol?) or watching Ed almost go down on her in front of the children in the audience as we confirm that the song is about the relationship between a brother and a sister. And speaking of the audience, do these people not have a sense of humor? They looked positively angry and disgusted the whole time – what were they expecting when they were paid to be part of the audience?
And then there is Sarah. Dear, sweet, mentally disturbed Sarah. I mean, I get it. You knew your singing voice wasn’t exactly up to par so you needed to create a diversion. And I totally get that some of the most loved performers don’t actually have great singing voices, but their stage presence commands the adoration of their audience. But honestly, the smell of burnt toast was all over that stage and the only group you were relating to out there was a group of orangutans as danger approaches. Were you trying to sing out of your vagina??? At one point, I thought she would high kick herself back to the galaxy she came from.
Rachel and Nick, for the first time, actually deserve to win something and the judges don’t disappoint. Jaclyn doesn’t even wait to get off stage before bawling from the loss and of course, Chris has a hissy fit and throws his shoes off in an amazing display of sportsmanship that I’m sure his mother is proud of.
As the episode winds down and Nick and Rachel are tasked with the difficult decision of who to compete with in the final episode, it’s like history repeating itself. Why do people constantly forget as they embark on these reality show competitions that at the end of the day, it’s all about who you can beat to win the money? Despite Nick’s confidence in a guaranteed win against Chris and Sarah, I have a feeling there may be some surprise votes in their favor next week and I think it would behoove Rachel to apologize to Jaclyn on the finale and maybe even offer to share some of the winnings with her if given the opportunity to take the prize home. I’m a little peeved at Rachel for not keeping Ed and Jaclyn just for the sole public service of us not having to watch Jaclyn do her finest ugly cry when she gets the boot. I mean honestly, there may be children watching. Either way, it looks like Rachel may end up as the biggest loser next week if mine eyes don’t deceiveth me. Could it be that Michael Stag has been seeking love and romance elsewhere? How could you not be excited when Chris Harrison adapts his finale catch phrase to be ‘the most shocking and disturbing finale ever’…yippee!!! Bring. It. On.