So last night’s episode wasn’t as exciting and riveting as last week’s but it certainly had its moments, no? I was expecting some light to be shed on certain issues that surfaced, such as Kalon being in love for real for the first time, or delving into the situation between Jaclyn and Ed, but more than anything, it’s pretty clear that light was mostly shed upon the skin of these poor people. Those sunburns are ridiculous! I could practically see their skin tightening in pain from the comfort of my couch. I have learned the hard way many times, just how bad a sunburn can be and in fact still have a burn mark from San Sebastian, Spain from my jaunt through Europe twelve (twelve???) years ago. The simple fact is, you tan better when you are wearing sunscreen people! So if that isn’t a reason to wear sunscreen, what is? Oh yeah. Cancer.
Anyhoodles…now that I’ve started your morning off on a cheery note, let’s get to the task at hand. Seeing Rachel drowning in a sea of her own boogers flashed me back to her season with Ben, where I for some reason remember her crying…and crying…and crying… I can’t imagine why…I mean after all it was Ben’s season, but still, it’s vaguely familiar. I don’t blame the poor girl. Losing your Bachelor Pad boyfriend mid-season is like accidentally dropping your bronzer and watching it crumble into a thousand powdery pieces on your bathroom floor when you don’t have a backup! Completely traumatizing. Poor Rachel has been a stage 5 Clinger to Michael all season long, so I can only imagine how alone she must feel. I know I’m certainly feeling the loss.
Post rose ceremony, the mood was somber, to put it lightly. Most of the cast looked like they had just come from a late-night funeral so when Chris Harrison came in and pulled the trigger regarding competing as couples, it’s no surprise that he was met with, well, silence.
Rachel and Nick reluctantly pair up together for lack of a better option and they all move onto partying the stress of the evening’s events away.
As the morning sun shone over the mansion the next day, it became painfully obvious just how old and decrepit the house actually looks from the outside. It reminds me of…well…Blakely. I mean, I get the rustic chic look. Who doesn’t love distressed wood against a backdrop of crisp white? But there are huge gaps of stucco missing from the exterior, and the ‘English Garden’ thing they’re going for? It’s pretty much weeds. This show is just crying out for a new location. Maybe that could be a reality show in itself. A bunch of gorgeous homes try out to be the next set of a reality dating show. The winner gets to be the home of the new Bachelor madness and wins a complete set of liquid-proof mattress covers. Gotta love design porn.
Once the spelling bee is announced, I am positively giddy. Surprise, surprise, I was a friggin’ amazing speller!!! Yup, spelling, reading, writing, public speaking, that shit’s my jam, yo! Math on the other hand? Let’s just say the most studying I did for math classes involved studying how to configure myself in the room so there was a Chinese kid I could cheat off of during tests at every angle. And look at me now, living the dream, blogging for free at the crack of dawn – whoopee!!!
I really don’t get how people are so averse to spelling – to me it just makes sense. Yet I must admit, I wasn’t shocked when Blakely announced she wasn’t good in school (really???), nor was I surprised by the anxiety caused by the impending competition for most of the cast. I was however, surprised with Tony’s claim that spelling was ‘the one thing he wasn’t good at.’ Really? You’re good at everything else?
It would certainly have helped if Chris Harrison himself could pronounce the words he was asking them to spell. ‘Soiree’ is pronounced ‘Swa-Ray’, for the love of god – not ‘swoh-ree’. That’s just as bad as someone calling a ‘BAY-GLLL’ a ‘BAH-GLL’ or even worse, hearing Americans say ‘Foy-YRRR’ instead of Fo-YAY’ to describe an entryway. That shit makes my skin crawl.
Right off the bat, we knew the scene was going to be bad. First we’ve got Kalon, who might as well, flush what I can only presume is an Ivy League education straight down the toilet after he shoots his mouth off about school being in session and him and Lindzi going home with the prize. Then we’ve got Jaclyn, who despite her very well accessorized outfit still seems to have suffered a more severe beating with the ugly stick than usual thanks to her rockin’ sunburn and unflattering impressions of the Hogwarts judges. Then of course, there’s the elephant in the room of Chris and Sarah actually excelling (if you can call it that) in this competition. Dammit! When she was trying to spell entrepreneur she looked kinda scary – like literally half dead scary – and when she screwed it up, am I the only one who expected Chris to have a tantrum on stage and then literally beat the shit out of her? In true drama-heavy form, Blakely starts bawling her eyes out when Chris and Sarah win. Am I the only one who winced with the awkwardness of Ed and Jaclyn winning an overnight date after the way he embarrassed her the other night?
So Chris and Sarah head off on their romantic one-on-one date and I hope you’ll excuse me if my flag is only at half mast for ‘National Chris and Sarah Day.’ Sarah isn’t exactly appropriately dressed – or so it seems – to be hiking through a meadow in black stilettos, but surprisingly, when it’s time to jump in the lake, her pencil dress converts into a beach blanket with one simple snap, like some white trash ten-in-one dress from the Home Shopping Network. Didn’t see that one coming.
I think it’s safe to say I had my first official ‘guffaw’ when I heard Sarah remark that Chris is ‘fresh off a breakup’ with Emily and she’s wondering if he’s over her yet. I thought I must have been hearing things until Chris reaffirmed this notion at dinner when Sarah called him out for not having a girlfriend since high school (shocker!) and he corrected her by saying, ‘well I did date Emily for a while’. Excuse me, did I hear you right? Dated her for a while? That’s a bit of a stretch, no? You had one date with her at the beginning of the show, then a series of delusional group dates in which she for some reason found you to be good looking and you for some reason felt you had a deeper connection than someone who, oh I don’t know, isn’t a loser? Just because a girl eats your Kielbasa doesn’t mean she’s your girlfriend, Sweetheart. I have a friend like this, who lives in a delusional world where she claims that guys she hooked up with one or twice in high school were actually her boyfriends and when it comes up in conversation, I just close my eyes and send her telepathic messages; ‘stop talking, stop talking, stop talking, you’re embarrassing yourself, you’re crazy, never happened, I was there, etc., etc.’ It’s really not a good look.
Anyways, enough of Sarah and Chris and how lucky they feel to have found each other and begin the healing process in their barn of love. Let’s visit the other extreme, Rachel, who is clearly losing her mind and channeling every ounce of emotion she has into pounding her face with makeup and overdone hairstyles. Rachel applying blush with such fury reminds me of serial killer Melissa stirring the yogurt with fury over Blake last season – God, those were good times. Never fear, because the girls all snuggle up under a hand job duvet outside to console Rachel and talk about all the amazing things they could do with the money if they stick it out, like taking a romantic vaca with their boyfriends…or getting cable??? Seriously Blakely? Waxing chodas and the pension you probably earned from your lifelong career at Hooters doesn’t pay the bills enough for you to even be able to watch the shows you are actually on??? This is truly a sad state of affairs. At least we know they won’t vote each other out. Pinky swears are legally binding, right? Yes. Yes they are.
So Ed and Jaclyn’s date arrives and I’m kind of nervous for Jaclyn, who despite her obvious flaws, I actually like. She’s a good, loyal friend, a funny chick and definitely the most chilled out girl in the bunch except for maybe Lindzi who probably has bedsores at this point from literally being horizontal every minute other than challenges on this show.
When Ed and Jaclyn settled in on their picnic blanket for ‘the talk’, the whole thing is just confusing. I may have just been too distracted by Jaclyn’s whiskers sparkling in the sunlight to actually hear what they were saying, but there definitely seemed to be some difficult communication issues going on. Ed’s attempt at rectifying the situation was basically an epic fail. Instead of apologizing and clarifying his need for keeping it casual to focus on the game, he had to throw in the fact that he has a pseudo girlfriend back home and that he most definitely is using Jaclyn as a warm body/security blanket. He even goes so far as to pin Jaclyn’s lack of knowledge about ‘the other woman’ on Sarah, who he assumed would have told Jaclyn about her since she knew all along. Don’t blame Sarah for this! When would she have possibly been able to tell Jaclyn? Her mouth has been a little bit occupied by the swordfight going on between Chris and Ed all season. Cut the girl some slack!
Anyways, at the end of the day, Jaclyn makes it clear that her primary objective is to not look like a whore and then proceeds to hang onto the shred of a compliment Ed pity-threw at her at dinner in order to justify them taking full advantage of their overnight accommodations. What a step forward for women everywhere, Jaclyn. Thanks for that. And while we’re thanking you, thanks for never wearing that lace skirt you sported the next day again.
Speaking of whores, back at the house, Tony has set up a mini date for Blakely and Blakely is reciprocating by pulling out all her signature moves (AKA baby voice). I find it a little concerning that within two weeks of partnering up, Blakely is officially the first thing Tony thinks about when he wakes up and the last thing he thinks about when he goes to bed. Um, remember your son? That little guy you abandoned to do back-to-back reality shows? Riiiiiight. As if hearing her lie to us about how Tony could basically be the one, which I can only assume is based on the mere fact that he’s the only non-asshole she has come across in her lifetime, we then have to watch a vile close-up of them kissing. The only thing grosser than watching their tongues dart in and out of each other’s mouths was watching Blakely’s Adam’s Apple crashing in the wind.
Finally, it’s down to the nitty gritty and some tough decisions need to be made. Clearly people like Nick are not thinking things through, most likely due to severe sunstroke and dehydration. In order to kick his human factor up a notch, Kalon reaches deep within and adds the word y’all to his vocabulary for the night. Rachel has clearly gone off the deep end with her braids and ringlets and Lindzi is…well…just sitting there. Is she practicing to be Kalon’s trophy wife?
Let’s just call a spade a spade and give the adorable award for the night to Kalon. Despite his ego and misinterpretation of him ‘master-minding’ the idea to kick out Nick and Rachel, the guy is clearly in love. Calling Lindzi the ‘priority of his life’ and pulling an Ames and running to her limo? That’s the stuff dreams are made of right there. It’s no surprise to me that Rachel was safe last night – I mean come on, we all saw the pinky swear.
Next week, looks like no activities with pinkies – stinky or otherwise – are going to protect these so-called friends from the greed that will take over the house as they get closer to the win. I think at this point, my vote goes with Ed and Jaclyn. Clearly I’d rather die than see Chris take the win. Though I’m sure Tony could use the money for his son, I can’t possibly support the idea of Blakely winning. Rachel and Nick – meh. That leaves Jaclyn and Ed and since they’re both funny, they’ve got my vote every time. It looks like some pretty dramatic stuff goes down next week, but we all know how cruel and misleading editing can be, so let’s not get too excited. In the meantime, if you’re looking for something to do on, oh, I don’t know, facebook…you could like me, like me, like me!!! https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/pages/Babefromtheburbs/196649130382234
Till next week!