Bachelor Pad Three – Episode Five

Hello dear friends, how I’ve missed you so! 

I managed to survive my week away and I have to admit, coming home and watching last week’s PVR’d episode yesterday as a mere fan, without my laptop burning a hole into my uterus, was kinda nice.  Sure, I managed to fold seven loads of laundry while doing it, but life just isn’t perfect. 

I think it’s probably better that it worked out this way because I don’t think my poor little heart could have taken the stress of having to capture Jamie digging herself into that hole last week using the power of the simple written word.  Between Chris’s monstrous ego, Jamie’s complete and utter naiveté and that blessed questionnaire, I truly thought it couldn’t get better than last week’s episode.

But then I saw last night’s.  Now this is the stuff dreams are made of.  By far the best episode of the season.  Honestly, I barely took notes because finally, at long last, this franchise has produced a riveting episode.  Other than Jaclyn’s shiny face and Erica’s heaving bosom morphing into additional boobs right in front of our eyes, and well, pretty much everything Blakely wears, I don’t even have any outfits to make fun of!  I was just too damn into it.  If there were nip slips, I missed ‘em.  Camel Toes?  Didn’t see ‘em.  It’s probably better that I didn’t take too many notes, because seriously, I have about 2000 emails to go through now (ah the joys of returning to work after a vacation) and the anxiety associated with this fact is sort of keeping me off my A game.  I promise next week, I’ll be back in full force.  No excuses.

Obviously the minute the episode began we were once again transported to a land where the whole world revolves around Chris.  It’s okay for him to lie, cheat and steal, but the minute something doesn’t go his way we have to watch him sulk and whine with his nasal voice all over the friggin’ house. I mean, I knew he was a huge loser from watching Emily’s season, but at this point he’s just like one big loser onion, every week revealing a new layer with a funky smell that sorta makes you want to cry.  He attacks Ed for essentially not doing his every bidding, throws a tantrum at Kalon, and then snuggles up with his last remaining supporter Sarah, who has to be the world’s biggest idiot for alienating herself from the whole house by attaching herself to him.  Way to think things through.

At some point, as the sun shines down the next day and people have had time to clear their heads, some new information surfaces.  For example – did anyone else know Tony was supposedly part of the Michael Stagliano alliance?  Did I miss something here?  Last I heard, Tony and Nick were doing body shots of egg whites off each other and then all of a sudden, he’s got Blakeley’s tentacles wrapped around him and he’s devastated by the tarnished relationships he thought he could depend on?  Who is this guy?

So the Great Fall of China rolls around and Blakely officially completes the stereotype we’ve all been conjuring up in our minds since she rolled into town on Ben’s season.  The girl worked at Hooters for thirteen years???  Are you serious?  I mean I get the whole after school job thing.  You do what you gotta do.  I sold kids shoes all through high school, but you know what?  That knowledge is still with me today.  There ain’t a salesperson in the burbs that can pull a fast one over on this babe, no sirree.  And twenty years lat—I mean, and several years later, I still know that my child’s winter boots should be at least one full size to a size and a half bigger than their shoes.  That job is like the gift that keeps on giving!  But thirteen years at Hooters?   In the amount of time it takes for a Jewish boy to become a man, Blakely is honing her ability to serve dipping bowls of wing sauce between her tits and accomplish a good pour?  What I would not give to have a copy of that girl’s resume.  I would put it up in my daughter’s room and pretty much write ‘become anyone but her’ on it.

So shock of all shocks, Blakely uses her ‘competitive advantage’ (dear lord), pulls out the win and proceeds to hump Tony’s leg, while Erica is busy hiding extra cups in her cleavage for a tea party later on with her other personalities.

Still high from her win, Blakely coaches Tony all the way through the guy’s round and I swear, if I were one of the other girls on the sidelines, I would have to, to quote Blakely herself, ‘donkey punch her in the throat.’  Listening to her tell him ‘you’re almost there, you’re almost there, keep going, keep going, keep going’ was about as comforting as accidentally hearing your parents having sex in the next bedroom – just one of those things you never, ever want to hear and will forever want to erase from your mind.   Why didn’t somebody make her stop???

Later, when it’s time to announce the date, we learn that Jaclyn has left not one but two indelible marks on Bachelor Pad.  First, obviously, the never-ending collection of backless or cutout mini dresses and second the ol’ ‘I’m taking someone who already has a rose on a date’.  I was really hoping they would pick Kalon and Lindzi for the second date because frankly, I love her and she’s had like four minutes of airtime this season so far.  And her hair always looks amazing.  Just sayin’.

Of course, Neil Lane found a way to weasel his way into this show too with the gorgeous diamond earrings for Lindzi’s date with Kalon and they definitely were not the only things that sparkled that night.  Maybe it’s too much country air the past week, but I am starting to think Kalon is somewhat sincere.  I mean don’t get me wrong – he’s still a total douchebag prick with a waxy face and a chin like a Disney character, but in terms of his feelings for Lindzi, he’s probably never been with a girl even remotely as down to earth and genuine as she is and I do believe he’s falling in love with her.  Cute much?

The best part of their date for me was that there were actually throw pillows provided for the hood of the car.  I mean seriously, that just makes a hand job blanket seem so old school, no?  Amazing.

Back at the house, Tony and Blakely are speculating as to what their overnight date could possibly be, despite the fact that no one in the house gives a shit.  A hot night in Vegas?  A day on a yacht?  A trip to the moon?  As soon as they started going on and on about the glamorous possibilities, I had a feeling their date would involve the wilderness – I mean we already knew it involved a cougar, but I was thinking coyotes and raccoons for sure and was not disappointed. 

I am still totally confused at this point as to how Tony and Blakely even talked at all in the house prior to this episode and even more confused as to how Tony could possibly hope for a romantic connection and believe that Blakely is the hottest one in the house?  Seriously?  Maybe if the house were actually a barn…

So they pull up next to the amazingly retro trailer and it’s as if Blakely clicked her heels together and recited ‘there’s no place like home.’

Their date consists of awkward moments (though kudos to them for actually eating their meal) and Blakely waiting for Tony, her dream ‘domesticated man’ who looks young enough to be her son, to kiss her.   Finally he works up the balls to romance it up a little.  Warning:  Extreme Sarcasm Ahead.  Beware of Falling Expectations.

‘I know’, he says to himself, completely unprompted by the producers sitting five feet away.  ‘Why don’t I turn the ol’ radio dial until I can hear some music clearly?  Hey now, here’s a good country song.  Hmm…catchy tune…now wait a second…this sounds a bit familiar…could it be?  Why yes!  I think it is!  It’s good ol’ manwhore Wes’s one and only song about love (and success, apparently) not coming easily!  What are the chances of me just happening to turn on the radio in the middle of nowhere and the song playing is none other than a Bachelor Alumni’s desperate attempt at a country music hit?  What a ‘coincidence!’ And the cherry on top?  It just so happens that I have the studio cut in my back pocket – why don’t we just blend in a clearer version over the car radio version so we can all hear this swell new song clearly?   

At this point, I’m not going to lie.  I became insulted.  I was going to give Tony some props for being resourceful and as cheesy as he is and as appalling as his taste in women is, who doesn’t love dancing under the stars (or with them if you’re Jake Pavelka)?  But do you think your audience members are idiots?  Does it have to be that contrived?  On a scale of one to annoying, that was really annoying.

In the meantime, back in the adorable world of Michael and Rachel who sadly were about to embark on their own final fantasy date, cuteness resumes.  As thoughtful as it was for Michael to prepare the balcony for them I have to wonder, why is no one using that secret fantasy room that there’s been on past seasons?  We know it’s there.  I think we can all recall Elizabeth dragging Jesse up there and raping him, no?  Why have none of the couples been hooking that shit up?

Sigh.  As the dates come to an end and the day of the cocktail party is upon us, the strategizing begins.  Of course, Chris thinks he’s at the wheel and all other housemates will follow his lead.  Perhaps instead of spending so much time talking people’s ears off about what’s owed to him, like he did with Tony when Tony mentioned he’s developing feelings for Blakely (nausea?  indigestion?), Chris could possibly spend a little more time washing his feet, no?  Just a thought.

Less annoying Chris pops his head into the party and throws the big twist out there, sending everyone into a strategizing tailspin.  But of course, before he can do that, he has to crush Jaclyn’s hopes and dreams one by one, in front of everyone in the house.  Nice one, dude.  The evening is a whirlwind of the usual lies, desperation and backpedalling.  I really thought Michael had his plan all locked up but then Chris unleashed the move of pulling Erica into the voting room and the rest is honestly a blur. 

I don’t know who is more heartbroken about the departure of Michael Stagliano – me or Rachel.  His departure, his repetition of ‘this is not going well’ featuring his signature brand of humor meets pathetic were like daggers into my heart as Erica pulled out her usual brand of charm when she doesn’t get her way.  She attempts to sound smart by waving her crystal gavel around and unleashing a flurry of accusations, but the depths of her intelligence are quickly revealed when she throws in a few gems, such as using the word alliance as a verb.  Oh Erica.  Why couldn’t you just do us a solid and rid the world of the plague that is Chris, once and for all?  I’m sure your dad could have amused himself by giving him a little rhinoplasty, or perhaps a lobotomy, while waiting for the show to wrap, like he does for all the other contestants, no?

Goodbye Erica.  For the love of god, your time here is done.  Do not return to any form of this show ever again, but just know that if you were to go on Big Brother, I would root for you.  Can you imagine???  Amazing.

And, that’s all for now.  As mentioned, I’m sure I missed some good stuff, but sometimes, it’s good to be just a fan.  Thanks for sticking around and a special shout-out to the whopping two people who commented last week despite the gaping hole in this blog.  I’ll try not to leave you ever again…unless my husband wants to whisk me away to some gorgeous island…then you can all pretty much suck it.

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5 thoughts on “Bachelor Pad Three – Episode Five

  1. Thank goodness you are back. I have always appreciated your humour however since I didn’t have your blog to read last week I was forced to start reading 50 Shades of The-Worst-Writing-I-Have-Ever-Read and can tell you that I have recognized a HUGE appreciation of your writing as well! I hope you are secretly writing a book and will one day surprise us all with the release of your debut novel – an hilarious tale of a wife and mom of young kids….. Blah blah, you know…. Anyway, Chris is a loser indeed, Erica is nuts but I will miss her ridiculousness, and I love Michael – sad to see him go, *tear*. Oh, the one thing I picked up on though which I thought was weird was how Kalon encouraged Chris to take Erica into the room with him knowing all too well that Chris would vote for Lindzi if Erica was there……hmmmm……

  2. Chris’s is still a douch but his comment “why the long face Blakely” was pure gold. Not sure he was purposly using a double meaning, but either way great!

  3. I totally did not realize that was Wes’ song playing in the background! so funny! i remember when i watched that part, i was wondering whether tony actually decided to turn on the “radio” himself or if it was decided for him…but then you pointed out that he turned it on to Wes’ lovely country tune! i was laughing out loud 🙂
    I missed your blog last week! great to have you back.

  4. I wanted awful Chris to stay simply because I loathe Blakely so much I want her never to get what she wants. Also I wonder every time I have to look at Jaklyn’s hideous face how she ever made the cut as a contestant on The Bachelor? Who is responsible for this abomination?

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