Okay clearly somebody upstairs does not want me to watch Bachelor Pad. For the third week in a row, I experienced technical difficulties – this time a faulty PVR recording – which left me missing twenty full minutes of the beginning of the show. Thankfully, my very own Super-Fans saved the day giving me the deets of what I had missed, Kalon’s comment re: Erica eating her way through a hot sludge fun day Pac-Man style included (damn me for missing that comment!!!) It was definitely touch and go for a while, but together we weathered the storm.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t get to start the show right along with you and witness the waste of screen-time with Sarah crying about voting out her booty call and the humour of Erica and Kalon, Houston’s finest, partnering up, but this week’s episode left me feeling like I needed more. I jumped in during the heat of the competition as Michael Stagliano is officially fearful that David will be the competition’s big winner and Ed’s liver gives out forcing him to crash to the bottom of Pudding Mountain and come in dead last. Again. Despite the time it took to get myself all caught up and assess the situation, it didn’t take long for me to remember how much I loathe Chris and how much I did not want him to win.
If for no other reason than to piss Chris off further, I was happy to see David win the rose and even happier to cut to a commercial immediately of the upcoming Bachelor Canada. Unfortunately, real life Ken Dolls aren’t really my type, so after about ten seconds of watching our upcoming hopeful-for-love Bachelor, AKA the unemployed CFL player twirl wine glasses in his hands wearing 14 shirts, I was ready to go back to the task at hand.
Of course the minute the competition ends, Blakeley, who looks like someone took a dump on her face (something I’m sure she would do, for the right price) goes searching for young David with her claws out to lure him into taking her on the date, despite the fact that everyone else seems to have cleaned up after the challenge.
Since looking at Blakely directly was making me nauseous – well, more nauseous than usual – I had to focus my attention on David…and there it was. It was unavoidable. I had nowhere else to look and there was nothing else I could do to remove from my brain the fact that David also owns the hideous tank top that Ryan sported recently on Emily’s season of The Bachelorette and that had even spread through Big Brother this season like a bad case of Crabs. Really, David? For some reason, I thought you were better than this. I trusted you, man. And you let me down.
David makes his stellar date picks, which I can only hope were based on strategy and off we go to the most awkward four person prom ever. Not that the dresses they got to put on were cute in any way, but I must admit I was happy to see Erica change out of that high-waisted number she was sporting before that left her sloppy boobs hanging precariously over her super-tight belt. Hearing Jamie reminisce about her own prom debacle, which she unfortunately missed due to a weekend bender her crack-whore mom decided to pull made me feel terrible. I mean the poor girl is sweet and nice enough after all. So what if she’s a little bit stupid and has the worst taste ever in guys? The poor thing was stuck in a trailer her whole life raising her siblings while her mom sniffed glue or something like that, so all things considered, she came out okay. Which is more than I can say for Blakely, who no doubt came from a mobile dwelling place too, except in her case, it was more likely a horse and buggy.
So no shocker, Blakely chooses the most juvenile dress of the three to match her juvenile behavior. After she attempts to make put Erica and Jamie in their places (who really weren’t acting immaturely if you ask me) by telling them she’s ‘not in high school anymore’, she proceeds to act fourteen by refusing to call a truce with Jamie, who (also in my opinion), doesn’t owe her anything.
In the meantime, David is practicing his dance moves, Carlton Banks style while waiting for his three dates and before we know it the four of them are hitting the dance floor to shake things up. I officially cannot ever go on any of these shows, people. How can you go dance with three other people, including jersey turn-piking yourself in a mini dress and not feel absolutely ridiculous???
Mercifully, the dancing ends, but then we’re forced to listen to Blakely bully and threaten her way into David’s heart. Good on him for choosing Jamie for the rose – I mean it’s the least you can do for someone who actually considers this her real prom. Mind you, I am still trying to remove from my brain, the comment Blakely made declaring David to be on her diarrhea list once the deed was done. Just Ew.
Meanwhile, back at the house, there seems to be a large orgy going on, on a giant outdoor mattress, as Kalon and Lindzi snuggle up close, Nick and Tony are doing body shots off each other, Rachel looks adoringly at Michael as he plays guitar for the gang and – what’s that? Over the other way? Oh, that’s Ed trying unsuccessfully to hoist Jaclyn over his back without throwing it out. Gotta say, if I were Jaclyn at that moment, I wouldn’t be feeling too good about how long it took him to get her up and over, if you know what I’m saying. Then again, I’d rather watch him struggle to successfully complete a piggyback than struggle to complete whatever else was going on under those covers with Jaclyn. The noises the other night with Sarah were funny the one time, but again? Is this actually how Ed gets it on with a woman? I guess we know he didn’t do too much sneaking into girls rooms when he was younger.
It’s no surprise that Rachel took Michael on her date, but I have to say, I’m a bit surprised that Nick and Tony got chosen as well. Maybe because Rachel knew the only guy she had any interest in was Michael so might as well throw these guys a bone and let them leave the house at least once this season?
The wax museum was pretty funny and I have to say, nothing like a man who’s confident enough to admit he peed in his jeans – god bless you Michael Stagliano. Rachel did the worst job ever of being a mannequin and I can’t believe the fans didn’t notice her incessant blinking. Maybe they were too busy talking about how pathetic Tony is while he was forced to stand there letting the rage build up inside of him. Shame. Guess the cat’s out of the bag on that one, Tony.
Obviously Rachel chooses Michael to continue on with a private date but tries to soften the blow for the other two as best she can by telling Tony he is such a great guy and telling Nick that …he probably would have been the best at standing still? Uh…thanks? Rachel and Michael settle onto an awkward looking chaise under a hand job tablecloth, with Michael’s head literally resting on a cement wall and they proceed to basically spend the rest of the night admitting that they like each other more than a friend. I don’t know what kind of a number Rachel’s ex did on her in her past relationship to make her so freaking insecure, but on behalf of girls everywhere, since we’ve all been screwed over by assholes in the past, up yours, Dude. Look at her now, snuggling up with the Stagmeister.
Back at the house, yet another night of debauchery is in full effect that leaves me feeling completely confused. For some reason Jamie is still intent on hooking up with Chris and at this point, she’s just looking plain delusional. What part of him is attractive? The part that looks like a washed up alcoholic? Or the part of him that has Blakeley’s herpes all over him from the other night, when he proceeded to make out with Blakely while you cried directly above him??? Watching Jamie give one last attempt to throw herself at Chris while he fake-slept and gave her the brush-off was completely pathetic. For the love of God, go hook up with Reid or something. Maybe that’ll at least get him to stop running his mouth off for a minute!
And then there’s Sarah, not the sharpest tool in the shed, but then what can you expect from a stroke victim? Aligning with one group and then immediately going to tell the other side of your plan, ‘just to be nice’? Probably not the smartest move. Then again, how dumb is Reid to trust that Sarah wouldn’t go running off to tell Ed that plan when she was clearly feeling visibly guilty about voting him off last week? I have to say, Reid had a lot more going for him on Jillian’s season and I’m not just saying that because he swims around in a floaty. He is clearly not the best liar – in the hot tub he couldn’t make a minute of eye contact with Ed and later at the cocktail party, he basically tried to tell Ed that it’s a game and some people wanted you out so I decided not to help you but don’t worry – we’re still friends.
It’s no surprise that as the cocktail party approaches, the underdogs have banded together to try to vote out the power couples and that the whole scene has been spearheaded by Erica, who now not only sleeps with the help, but has nicknames for them too. And if outfits could be underdogs, I’d day we’d have to count Blakely’s, who once again brings matchy matchy to new heights (that I’d like to hurl myself from) and Michael’s patchwork windbreaker and tie ensemble.
Donna spends the next few minutes lamenting about possibly being sent home tonight – not upset because she may miss out on the money, but because she may be the only loser who goes home without hooking up with anyone on Bachelor Pad. With about five minutes left in the episode, Nick awkwardly tries to change that status by planting one on her, but unfortunately, too little, too late.
The rest of the drama that evening unfolds around Reid, Ed and Jaclyn. I’m not sure what Reid was thinking telling Jaclyn that Ed is guaranteed to go home and she should start thinking about other partners – I mean seriously Reid, it is not in any of our best interests to see Jaclyn cry. At least she has the most giant glass of wine ever to help numb her pain from any number of things – Ed leaving, her dress cutting into her abdomen like a knife of the BIGGEST BRUISE I’ve ever seen on her outer thigh. That thing was practically an accessory!
Unfortunately, Reid shouldn’t have been as confident as he appeared because he got the old blindside. He should have just stopped talking as soon as he realized it but had to mumble a few random things to himself as Jaclyn made the speech about them all being honest with each other going forward. Um, yeah that’s gonna happen. Goodbye Reid, we’ll miss you, but there’s only so much I can do over here from the comfort of my couch to help you.
So next week, I’m hoping we can pick up the pace a bit. First and foremost, I’d like Lindzi and Kalon to surface from the pullout couch long enough for us to actually figure out what’s going on with them. Secondly, I’d REALLY like to see the beginning of Chris’ demise because I officially cannot handle the thought of him as half of a power couple. It’s making me feel sick and I fear it’s it going to get worse since next week Sarah gets in on the action.
My PVR better not pull any shit next week while I’m away, because I’ll have back to back episodes to catch up to when I return. But it’s good to know that I can count on y’all in my time of need.
So remember the master plan next week, people. Me: Vacation with no access to the Pad. You: Bloggers with full access to my comments section. Make it work, people and don’t forget about me!!!