Bachelor Pad Three – Episode Two

Okay, I’m just gonna say it.  I’m about as into the Olympics as I’m into the royal family.  If you remember my rants about Kate Middleton’s horrific wardrobe (come on, you know it’s gotten worse) and my total fascination with, well, the fascination people have with the royal family you’ll know that when I say I’m into the Olympics about as much as I’m into the royal family, well, that’s not saying much.

Don’t get me wrong.  I totally get the whole fighting for your country, training your whole life for this one shining moment, proud to be part of something bigger than yourself scenario.  And don’t even get me started on the P&G Olympic commercial about moms.  I have literally watched it a thousand times and bawl hysterically every damn time (if you haven’t watched it yet, Youtube that shit right now…well, finish reading this and then Youtube it.  Seriously.  You’ll thank me).

But honestly.  Do you actually expect me to give up Bachelor Pad to watch a hairy Albanian woman compete in weight lifting?  Are half of these sports even sports outside of the Olympics?  You wanna talk going the distance?  The Bachelorette, into Bachelor Pad into Bachelor Canada.  That’s my triathlon, Baby. 

‘How shallow can one girl be?’, you may ask yourself while reading this (or maybe you’re secretly like me and other than gymnastics and the occasional synchronized diving, you’re also giving the Olympics the ol’ ‘I’m just not that into you’ vibe).  Maybe I am…but not as shallow as Miss Erica Rose (nice segue, no?)

Erica, who started off the evening, by like, totally thanking everyone for like, seriously, keeping their words like totally thanks guys.  She certainly has gotten a lot of camera time so far, but it’s just not as fun as it used to be.  And every time she’s on camera, her gavel necklace just looks like a tiny little cock and balls and I honestly find it very distracting.

Despite her rich girl’s drawl, surprisingly, Erica wasn’t the most annoying one last night – and even Blakely and Jamie paled in comparison to the twins.  Were they even speaking English at certain points?  These are the ‘Super Fans’?  How does this happen?  Having these twins on is totally jeopardizing the integrity of the show, dammit and I for one am appalled.  Besides the fact that at certain points only dogs could hear them and at others they were like poster children for night time cold medication, they are not even hot!  I don’t think they would have gotten much further with their winning personalities even if they were hot, but it certainly would have helped the situation a little bit, no?  All I can say is I’m glad they got back on the short bus and went back to their home planet.

When I saw the oompa loompas doing their rhythmic gymnastics performance outside, I knew we were in for a treat.  I still fondly remember the guys totally killing the synchro swim challenge in Bachelor Pad 2 and the girls sucking so I had no doubt the case would be the same here too.

As Donna adjusted her camel toe and Sarah (who sounds like she’s been smoking about two packs a day for 40 years) watched in awe as the gymnasts performed tricks that apparently one should know how to do in the bedroom, the anticipation built. 

You could tell from the rehearsals that the guys were going to win – though Reid and Ed (who by the way was wearing a T-shirt that said Land Sharks – see I told you they exist) needed to work on their  frolicking skills, David and Michael were all like, ‘I got this.’ 

In the meantime, over in Girltown, Erica Rose’s labia have practically become Brittany and Erica’s long lost triplet, judging from the amount of time they got on camera and Rachel’s twirling of the ribbon reminds me of a grade eight hand job – lightning speed and awkward.  I find it funny that Erica admits to not being able to follow choreography, since I’m pretty sure at some point in the past couple of years, she actually launched a series of workout videos, which I think centered around her in a bikini (I kid you not).

Of course, Ashley and JP have to be tossed into the mix as judges, because anytime there’s a challenge requiring judges, the producers throw a bone out to past contestants and they come out of the woodwork, sniffing for their next 15 minutes of fame.  I wonder what the actual qualified judge was thinking…’I’d rather be in London’ comes to mind.

Between the spandex nightmare, David’s neck extensions, Michael’s general adorableosity (screw you, spell-check) and Kalon’s whole ‘shopping and gymnastics – what the F else do women have to do in their lives’ comment, the guys certainly brought home the gold this time around and I think Chris Harrison, not Gross Chris said it best when he rated their performance ‘stunningly good’.  Even Ed, with his too cool for school ‘least best’ award played his part.

Once Michael (yay!) and Blakely win the competition, everyone’s all, who’s gonna get the dates???  Erica of course goes straight for Michael with the whole, ‘I don’t want to be annoying, and ask you to save me…but I am’ thing while the camera zooms in on Donna eating a banana (that’s subtle) and pouring her heart out to Jamie about her supercrush on Michael.  Despite me not being into this whole lame-ass Super Fans situation, I was actually pretty happy for Donna, or should I say Donna’s boobs, for being chosen to go on the date, because I totally get what it’s like to have a crush on Michael Stagliano. 

Michael proves he has mostly good taste in girls by picking Lindzi, Rachel and Donna and off they go to a Bachelor specialty – the awkward concert.  I have no idea what band that was but the lead singer looked like he was way too much pain to be enjoying the performance, and the fact that it was a large room, with like 18 random people in it was just weird.  Who were these people?  Are they Bachelor Pad crew members?  How do you decide who gets to go?  Are they radio contest winners?  Maybe it would have had a cooler vibe if, oh, I don’ know, there were drinks involved or the lights were dimmed?  When have you ever been to a concert and it’s that bright in the room?  Dark room = automatically cooler.  Help us help you.

My favourite part of the date was when Donna basically starts motor-boating herself over to Michael and out comes Rachel from nowhere, sideswiping Donna and totally stealing Michael away, not only to dance with him but apparently to suck his face while everyone else watches!  It was kind of weird how Rachel just started making out with him presumably out of nowhere, but who knows, it could be the beginning of something special.  When Michael took a break from kissing Rachel to have some alone time with Donna and Donna got to show him the picture she drew (which was pretty good, other than the chin) it made me wonder – what do you do with a picture like that?  Hang it in your room?  Become fearful that you’ve got a stalker on your hands?  Put it in your Hope Chest?  Regardless, Michael chose to thank Donna by inserting his tongue in Donna’s mouth for a few minutes, before continuing on with the date. 

This whole Blakely/Jamie/Chris thing is honestly killing me.  First of all, as if I didn’t already have a thousand reasons to dislike Chris on Emily’s season for being a whiny unattractive argumentative brat, I now have about a million more reasons to despise him this season for being the power-hungry asshole who gets the most airtime.  Booooooo!  I am shuddering at the thought here, people, but all signs are pointing to us having another Kasey on our hands, and God help us if Blakely becomes another Vienna.  Other than Kasey last year, I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such a loser so drunk with power.  It’s honestly as if he thinks he’s God and I’m sick of him patting himself on his now-diseased package for being a master manipulator. 

I don’t know why Jamie hasn’t taken matters into her own Madonna circa 1980’s lace-adorned hands.  Though I can’t condone her taste in men, she hasn’t done much to help herself – she could be sabotaging Blakely’s relationship with Chris!  Is she too nice?  Too stupid?  I don’t get it.  I mean clearly she’s got strong feelings for Chris – she brushed her teeth, guys!!!  Now if that doesn’t say love, what does? Maybe Jamie should just stick with her partner and go back to the land of rainbows and licorice and abstinence.  Sounds like a good time.

Watching Chris go back and forth between the two girls is like playing a game of Would You Rather – either way, the options are cringe-worthy.  I think the icing on the top bunk was definitely watching Chris take one for the team (Team Chris) and ‘solidify the alliance’ with Blakely while Jamie literally hoists herself up above them.  Could anything be more awkward?  Chris has no right to be that much of an asshole!  He’s not hot or funny enough!  Why isn’t anyone doing anything to stop his grossness and why didn’t Jamie go sleep on the couch or go sleep with one of the other girls or something???  Or even take Chris’s bed?  Clearly it was free!  I can’t imagine that Jamie’s sobs as Blakely and Chris reached their climax didn’t interfere with their make-out session at all…these bitches need to Take Back The Night, West Beverly High style.  That’s alls I’m sayin’

Having to watch Blakely and Chris the next morning, congratulating each other on a job well done as Blakely revealed her forearm covered in tattoos (presumably a reminder of all of her favorite VIP clients) was really too much for me.  Get. Off. My. Screen.  ENOUGH.

I’m glad Blakely picked David for the date, despite the future wife beater’s orders, if for no other reason than to piss off Chris, and because poor David really is a nice guy. 

So glad she also picked Ed, who is good looking and funny enough to pull the move Chris did last night.  Ed’s soapbox had by far the best style of all the others – I just hope his actual pickle doesn’t have warts on it like his soapbox did.

I wonder if it was awkward for Ed to go back to the house where his former fiancée lived during her season…or just awkward to be around Chris, Dave and Blakely.  I gotta hand it to Dave – he fought hard for the rose and he had a compelling argument.  His strategy of reminding Blakely of what a social outcast she is certainly gave her something to think about, and judging by her speech to him, I really thought she bit.  But somehow, Chris’s earlier argument about how committed he is to her, despite him laughing through his whole speech ended up being more compelling to Blakely.  Once again, she uses her strong intuition and goes with her gut – no reason not to follow it, right?  It seems to have led her down the right path in life so far…you know…career choice…her wardrobe…her sexual reassignment surgery… She gives the rose to Chris and Ed gives the rest of us a nice view of his sack, thanks to his short shorts.  Shame.  Back to the pad we go.

The night seems to be getting a bit crazy and it takes Ed all of one minute to get back into the party scene.  I know Ed claims to be here for the money but honestly, I think we all know he’s here for the free booze.  Erica Rose proves that it is actually okay to sleep with ‘the help’ as I think it was her that was making out with Donna by the pool.  Jaclyn provides some much-needed comic relief with her description of Ed – he has personality for Days, yo! And Sarah realizes she is utterly alone in the no doubt semen-infested hot tub.  Never fear, Sarah!  When in doubt, take off your top!  What a role model you are!  That’ll get you some attention!  I’m not quite sure how she could honestly compare herself to Ed with a straight face – well – half a straight face – by telling us ‘he reminds me of me…so confident, good looking…’ are you for real, girl?

Her topless shenanigans seem to work, because before Jaclyn can wipe the ugly-cry look off her face, Ed and Sarah are under the covers inside the house as he screams Pauly D-isms at the top of his lungs, much to the confusion of his fellow housemates.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that Sarah’s ultimate vote for Ed didn’t come from him being a threat in the house.  Most likely Ed left Sarah hanging that night.  I can’t even imagine that he would have been able to man up (literally) for Sarah to get any sort of job done under those covers, but there is pretty much no way he reciprocated in his drunken state. 

The rest of the night is a blur of hookups (and so it begins with Kalon and Lindzi) and tears (just the way I like it) and another day begins.  For his first big moment on camera, Nick attempts to give the twins one last bit of help because he realizes he and Tony either need to gay it up and be partners or he needs to get some ammo, STAT.  But, he shares his predicament with the most annoying twins ever by explaining ‘it’s hard to help you when the vote is unanimous’, which just sends them into yet another emotional tailspin.   This pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the time the twins are in the house.  I don’t really understand why one of them just keeps screaming ‘you never stand up for me!’  Did I miss something here?  Is she being bullied off camera?   From where I’m standing, it doesn’t look like anyone is ever even talking to the twins, so how can they be so upset by what’s going on in the house?  Either way, I think the impact they’ve had on the house is captured best by David, the only one to actually make out with one of them, yet who doesn’t even have the decency to fully wake up to say goodbye when they leave.  Oh well.  Latah bitches!  I don’t blame Kalon for having a martini at what appears to be about 7 AM after the twins leave.  I would need one too.

So the cocktail party arrives and once again there’s a plethora of horrific outfits to make fun of.  Jamie is sporting her lace gloves…again…Donna is wearing what I think is the shirt version of the dress she wore on the first night, Jaclyn is wearing the shortest dress ever (which really brings out her scathing sunburn), David is wearing a short sleeve silk button down tucked in and Blakeley…sigh.  I don’t know what she was thinking when she put on that pink gown (if you can call it that).  On a normal day, Blakely looks like a washed up cougar in children’s clothing but this outfit?  Was she going for the demure look?  Or has she actually come to the point where she is now wearing a bed sheet so she’s ready for sex at a moment’s notice and doesn’t have to waste time finding a room with whichever guy scrapes her off the floor for the night.   

The whole Reid/Ed scenario makes me a bit nervous.  I really like both of them but it looks like next week they are the final two guys standing, so I’m thinking Reid is going to be sent home.  Given that Sarah did hook up with Ed the night before elimination, and that he’s hilarious, I was equally shocked that she would eliminate him – seriously Sarah, you probably still have his taste in your mouth!  I think she’s definitely dug herself a hole with that move, and probably ruined any future interest Ed may have had with her hole.

At the rose ceremony, David dodges a bullet and what a surprise, the possibly gay, 32 year old virgin/minority gets sent packing.  Never saw that one coming! 

I feel like I missed a lot of stuff last night, so feel free to point out any shortcomings this week may have had.  Actually it’ll be good practice for you because unfortunately, I’ll be out of town the week of the August 13th episode and – wait for it – will not have access to a TV to watch the show!  I know, I know, there there, now…you’ll have to be strong.  So here’s the deal for that week:  You guys get to be my guest bloggers!  Hooray for you!  I’ll start you off, and then you guys can use my comments board to set your inner blogger free.  Sound like a plan?  Well, too bad, because that’s the plan. 

You’ve still got me next week, so let’s enjoy this time together while we can.  And…SCENE.

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7 thoughts on “Bachelor Pad Three – Episode Two

  1. Gotta say, I want to see more of Lindzi and Kalon. Liking the Michael and Rachel combo. Ed is amazing too watch, but my heart is still with Reid. Reid needs to start f’ing someone stat though to keep in the game. I don’t understand how the girls are not all over him. I thought this episode was a bit lame, Chris promised us the craziest Bachelor Pad EVER and I haven’t seen that yet……

  2. Hilarious. Laughed so much at this recap. You are spot on. Those twins were beyond painful to watch/hear. Chris is nasty. And Ed is super hot, but is the most immature 32 year old on the planet. Gillian is probably watching and thinking… How the hell did I pick this dude. He’s nowhere near ready for marriage!

  3. I agree that Reid better hook up with someone soon. He would be my first pick. I do not like Kalon and Lindsi together at all. I am starting to like the fan Donna but not sure if its because she is an under dog. And where did the notebook come from last night. Did she bring it with her on the group date? It just appeared. I think Jaime is hopeless and I have trouble understanding the Chris attraction. That was too funny her climbing up on the top bunk over Blakely and Chris. Yes, I believe she could have found somewhere else to sleep. Glad the twins are gone they were getting too creepy. Too young to be on that show with the older alumni. Looking forward to your next Blog. Too funny!!

  4. Words cannot express my feelings about those twins. Erica is almost as annoying this season as they are…okay…no one is nearly as bad as those twins…but still…she’s not doin’ it for me this time. I love Ed & Reid…each for different reasons. I want to barf on Chris’ face… use Jamie’s gloves to wipe the barf off and tell Blakely to suck on them! Michael is the CUTEST! Donna motivates me to stop eating chocolate almonds! Sup with Lindzi & Kalon hooking up??? Interesting. Not sure how I feel about that just yet! Why was the 32 year old “virgin/minority” (LOL) even on this show?! G’bye! So far….the season sucks balls…but still oddly entertaining. So glad that you & I aren’t the only ones who believe in sharks outside of the ocean! 😉 LOVE YOUR BLOG as always!

  5. Thank you for expressing how much I am also disgusted with Chris. bleccch! This show is one hot mess and at times I look around to see if anyone sees me watching it. I’m really giving this the college try here, but having two whiny, spastic (but of course wonderful) kids of my own, it’s like watching them fighting to the power of nausea. oy.

  6. I fully expected you to take a swipe at Jamie’s comment of how, “if Chris is looking for someone to take home to his family, have a stable relationship and have kids with then I’m his girl..” remark all while wearing her Madonna lace gloves! Where has this new found confidence come from? She went from being the bachelors most awkward kisser to perhaps taking ‘sluttin it up 101’ in the off season? Hmmmm, perhaps.

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