Before it’s too late, I’d like to take this opportunity to solemnly acknowledge a group of you, dear readers and viewers. I think you know who you are. You like beer yet you are in touch with your feminine sides. You claim not to watch this show, yet we can see those little eyes peeking out from behind that Duane Allman biography you claim to be so engrossed in. When we are hungry, you bring us chocolate. And when we are not hungry, you still bring us chocolate. You love your wives and girlfriends (and maybe even moms and mistresses) enough to keep them company during the sacred time of Monday between 8-10…or 9-11…or 9:30 – 11 (WTF). You have penises (though it’s possible they are shrinking with every episode you endure). And beyond the watching – you read my blog. I know you do, because some of you have been brave enough to tell me that you dig what I gots to say. And if you haven’t, your wives have gleefully whispered to me that you are my secret fans and thanked me for keeping them interested. As happy as this makes me, I feel it’s my duty at this time, as the third episode unfolds with a playground swing being the only thing ridden, to set you free. You have tried your best to stomach this show. It’s okay, girls. We’ll get by on our own. We’ll make them come back for Bachelor Pad where the tits flow like wine. Godspeed, my warriors. Back to the land of NBA playoffs and ipads you go.
It’s only fair, right? Do we want Emily to ruin the chances of our men joining us on the couch for future seasons? No, we do not. So let’s just get this done and move on. At this point, I’m actually getting excited for the Canadian edition.
Has anyone else noticed how dramatic the opening title looks – with Emily holding Ricki like a refugee about to sneak onto a ship? I am totally in support of Emily making her choices with Ricki in mind the whole way through and it’s very clear she is taking this very seriously, but I sorta need her to park it for a while. Is that mean?
It’s no surprise that Emily picked Chris, since she basically told him he made her moist last week. I am still utterly confused by her obsession with his looks to the point where I am wondering if she has Turrets and is incapable of stopping herself from complimenting him. Not only is he somewhat of a less good-looking Gerard Butler, but I’m pretty sure I saw some little man boobies pointing through that t-shirt. Just sayin’. So. Not . Hot.
The exciting date begins with talk about the weather through the streets of ‘downtown’ Charlotte, where there is literally not another person on the street. All I could think about as Emily fearfully climbed to the top was that the noises she was making were vaguely reminiscent of labour contractions. The only difference being that usually when the baby pops out afterwards, you hear more than a lame-ass ‘Yay’, which is (not surprisingly) what we got when her and Chris dramatically reached the top. I’m not quite sure what gave Emily the confidence that Chris is the only person she’d feel comfortable doing this with – she’s only known him for a few days! I continue to be shocked by the ages of these guys. 25? I thought he was at least 33! Must be something in the water over there…Chris tries to impress Emily with his maturity by telling us that he left home at 17…to go away to school…wow, that’s right up there with Doug and his sister being parentless after their mom abandoned them and their dad sacrificed his life for grocery money.
After their boring dinner, they saunter over to yet another concert where we can watch them awkwardly slow dance to the music of the same band as her date last week??? What is this, the Peach Pit After Dark? Date night ends with – what else – a lame ass kiss. And…Scene.
Okey dokes. Group date time – I so wish Kalen had been chosen for this date just so we could have awkwardly watched him interact with children. Emily looked adorable as usual (I pretty much love everything she wears – evening attire excluded). After the obligatory few minutes of tossing a football around, Emily disappears (a normal thing to do on a date) and before we know it, the guys have literally entered a warzone – grenades everywhere!!! There’s silver-earrings-gold-necklace-Ashley, über-horny-housewife Wendy (god bless her soul though for having a sense of humour), Stepford-wife-whose mouth-only-moves-on-one-side-other-one (can’t remember her name) and The Other One – can’t remember her name, so let’s just call her Mama Grenade.
So they put the guys through the wringer, all the while acting out their pool boy fantasies by making them strip down to as little as possible that’s still appropriate in a child-infested park. They call Travis out for bringing his egg, who is apparently named Shelley??? They make Sean who announces he ‘doesn’t normally assert himself with women’ strip down, they discover Alessandro is an adulterer and they giggle. Oh do they giggle.
Then as a cavalry of other people’s children is unleashed upon them, the men channel their inner child and frolick off to the playground. I’m sorry does anyone else think this is weird? Whose children are these? Is this a neighboring school trip? Were permission forms signed for this? How weird is it that a guy you don’t know says ‘C’mon Sweetheart’ and whisks your child off to a curly slide? Not only is it weird, but when Ryan tries to approach Emily’s group to actually chat with her on the date, you can see the ladies are a bit pissed that he’s interrupting girl time. So what if he basically admits that he’ll have to get his rocks off elsewhere if she gains weight. At least he’s trying to interact with her which is more than I can say for Jef who is crashing down the slide head first.
Finally, the park is done, Wendy goes home to dust off Vibronica and dream of Sean and another life and the boys get spiffed up in fresh v-neck t-shirts for the überfun evening of sitting in a semicircle. It’s a bit early in the season for a guy to be doing an ugly cry but there goes Tony, completely heartbroken and missing his son. Way too much of the date was taken up by Tony – I think even his son was like “K Dad, gotta cruise – talk to you later” and I think it was a real relief to all of us when she sent him packing under the guise of wanting to do the right thing for him. Nice move.
Doug and Sean are definitely the standouts of this date, Sean because his forehead was literally glowing and Doug because let’s face it. He’s cute. He’s got a tragic story that can sort of even up with Emily’s. He’s got the kid. Wrap a bow on him and you’re good to go.
Onto the next one-on-one. At the house, Arie and Blaine (yes I’m calling Kalen Blaine) and a couple of other guys I don’t know at all are resting comfortably on hideous floral pillows. I think we all collectively breathed a sigh of relief that Blaine didn’t get the one on one, though I wouldn’t mind if he got one just so I can be entertained.
Arie definitely scored points with the ladies last night judging by the action on my BBM with every friend I have giving him their blessing. Emily takes Arie to Dollywood – yet another abandoned southern gem. I’m sorry but if Emily were really scared of roller coasters, then why did she take him on a roller coaster??? I get this fear. I for one am also terrified of them and actually so is my husband. In fact, a current discussion in our household is how is our four and a half year old son going to get to experience these rides when both his parents would rather die than go on them? The Ghoster Coaster alone – which is basically the ‘my first roller coaster’ for kids nearby was enough to put both of us over the edge. I’m sorry but I’m just more of a ‘let me hold your funnel cake’ kinda girl when it comes to amusement parks. Can’t promise it’ll be there when you get back, mind you, but I’ll hold it.
After the roller coaster, Arie and Emily go to the theatre where they are forced to write a love song. Before they can reach into the depths of their playlist and plagiarize Bob Marley lyrics like Courtney did for her fake wedding vows to Ben, a powder pink camel toe and bedazzled guitar save the day. In walks the one and only Dolly Parton and Emily is floored – or, at least I think she’s floored because she still lacks a normal amount of emotion. It’s hard to tell. Dolly tells Emily that she’s got a good feeling about the two of them and she’s got a really good eye for love and all I’m thinking is ‘why, did you just get your eyes done?’ They wrap their date with another dancing scene and dinner where at first I thought the awkwardness during the part with the rose was just poor editing and then slowly realized ‘ Oh!…she’s trying to make a joke…I get it! Shame. The best parts of the night were that hot kiss on the trolley ride and Emily’s shoes, though I was sufficiently nauseated when the close-up of the two of them kissing just…wouldn’t…stop…As much as I dig Arie, I was glad for the date to be over. Yep, he’s got something. Don’t think she saw that one coming.
Finally, we’re nearing the end. Emily applies 14 sprays of perfume which apparently smells like Mindy’s house (?) and off we go in a gold dress and…combat boots?
It’s a good thing Blaine applied a fresh coat of lip gloss for the party because he managed to score the first one on one time with Emily. It took a while to get started because he seemed to be having trouble getting comfy in his seat – or was he just trying to show us his bare feet and boating shoes yet again? I just hope he brought some odor eaters with him because his feet have been trapped in those shoes since night one. Either way, the one on one time went downhill quick as he icily silenced Emily for not hanging on every word of his. And even though she informed us she isn’t a fan of tall, skinny and condescending, she still managed to give him a rose. I think it was the glasses.
Sean’s one on one time was dramatically different in a good way. When Sean got ready to ‘tell Emily something he hasn’t told her before’, I was like oh great. Here’s the part where you tell us your heart belongs to Jesus and this is where you lose me. Looks like he’s saving that gem for another night cuz instead he just wanted to tell her ‘oh by the way, I’ll be the best husband and dad ever.’
Other highlights of the night – Alessandro getting the boot, not because of his orange and pink flesh finally being too much of a distraction to ignore further, but because Emily couldn’t understand what he was trying to get at. I think what he was trying to say is that he would make some compromises if he were to take on the new lifestyle with Emily, such as travelling less for work because he would have responsibilities to his family, not that he viewed being a dad as giving up his life and compromising himself. Oh well. No real love lost there – it was only a matter of time before he went back to the equator where he belongs.
Not quite sure how Travis made the cut. Despite the fact that he was smart enough to lay “Shelley” to rest (all over the front steps), I still think one day he will look back on this show and say to himself ‘ I carried an ostrich egg?’ Sound familiar? I carried a watermelon? We all know how that story ended though…a lot better than Travis’s will for sure.
If I didn’t love Arie already from their date, I gotta say I’m loving him now. He completely mastered the ‘I’m cool and confident and secure in what we have so you get yourself out there and work your bad self’ to Emily. I mean what guy encourages the girl he is dating to go out there and flirt her ass off? Sealing it with (a few too many) kisses definitely worked in his favor and you could tell Emily just didn’t want to leave him. Arie – you’ve made us proud. Mazel Tov.
Finally the rose ceremony starts and I’m beginning to think she should be handing out blotting papers instead of roses. Can someone turn up the AC in this place, please??? I was a little nervous that Michael wouldn’t get a rose, because I’d like to see what he’s all about and I was happy to see Stevie sashay his way out of the mansion like we knew he could.
Looks like next week’s going to bring some surprises. I didn’t think Ryan was going to be the possessive, asshole this season but he seems to be heading in that direction. Goody Goody Gum Drops! Drama is on the way (please)!!!
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