Oh Dear. Toto, I don’t think we’re in Fantasy Land anymore.
So here’s the thing. I totally get Emily’s strategy here. She’s trying to scare off some of the thrill-seekers and TV star wannabes with a cough syrupy dose of reality disguised as domestic bliss. The cookies. The soccer practice. The pre-date meet-ups with her mommy group…I have to say, it’s quite smart and does reveal her desire to take this whole ‘Find My Prince Charming’ thing seriously. But you know what? This is prime time TV. If I were interested in shlepping groceries and meeting up with friends at the park, well, I’d turn off the TV and live my actual life.
And for the record, for those who weren’t sure, I’d like to clarify the term ‘mom clothes’, since it seems to keep making its way into every conversation like yachting attire to Kalen’s wardrobe. To me, an adorable sweater like Emily’s, that isn’t too tight that the whole thing rides up when you’re carrying your toddler or that you’d feel over dressed for the grocery store and is just loose enough to hide the muffin top without leaving people wondering ‘when you’re due’ as they somehow ignore the infant you are pushing around in a stroller, along with skinny jeans and ballet flats are called clothes NOT mom clothes. Any clothes that someone would call ‘mom clothes’ may include (but are not limited to): Crocs with socks; high-waisted jeans (but not the good kind) in a lighter than sky wash that taper in juuuuust a bit too short, a University sweatshirt to a school you never went to or a sports-related sweatshirt that is too big and for a team you can’t recall the sport for and further don’t care. Those are mom clothes. Please don’t offend me any further by implying that I or any of my MILFy friends walk around looking like that because we’re moms and please oh please don’t make me listen to Emily talking about her mom clothes any more.
As predicted, last night’s episode was about as exciting as the weird news report/tourism plug for Charlotte. Is this going to be a love story with Sonoma all over again?
While the cockfest crammed onto the couches back at the house waits with baited breath for who will get the coveted first date card, Emily is off gallivanting at the park with her gal pals, including one that is clearly so nervous being on the show that she has an ‘I farted and don’t know who to blame it on’ face the whole time the others are talking while her eyes dart back and forth trying not to look at the camera. Shame.
Unfortunately, DJ Stevie has already been given more camera time than many of the guys even in this early stage in the game and I have come to the realization quite quickly that he’s going to be one of those guys that stick around for a while, while she picks off actual good looking would-be suitors one by one before him.
I had a feeling Ryan would get one of, if not the first one-on-one date so I wasn’t surprised to hear his name called. I was surprised however to see that a baby bird had made a home on the top of his head. Last week I thought his hair was cute, but I’m sort of thinking it’s a bit weird now. Maybe because the rest of his features are somewhat tiny?
There really isn’t much to say about their date, sadly, other than I’m not sure it was the best use of judgment to take a complete stranger to your house on the first date. I think the only time Ryan’s eyes lit up was when their baking frenzy was done and she said she had to ‘get out of her mom clothes.’ There it is again.
I’m not sure how I feel about part B of their date either, where he got to play the creepy guy in the car stalking the little girls’ soccer game, sucking on a juice box straw (which is clearly the only thing getting sucked this season).
Part C of their date – the dinner/concert – well actually concert, because obviously they did not even look at the food on their plates – was too much awkwardness for me to bear. I can’t think of anything worse than being on a first date with a guy and having not only my entire neighborhood circling us snapping pictures with their iphones but having to stand on a pedestal and slow dance in front of a band performing just for us. I almost died. All I could think was ‘please don’t kiss, please don’t kiss’, and somehow, by the grace of God, they didn’t. Of course, he did get the rose and she of course expressed her excitement with – wait for it – ‘Awesome!’
The next day, group date #1 is upon us and I, for one, am nervous. The commercial leading up to it revealed that there would be performances involved and I have a huge issue with forcing people that are not funny to do stand-up comedy. I still have horrible memories of previous seasons (not to mention fond ones, when William made Ashley cry by joking that he was hoping for Emily as the Bachelorette of his season). These people just bomb on stage and it’s just plain mean. Especially when Emily is clearly not a funny chick and I can’t really see humour being at the top of her must have list. I don’t know what was worse – the guys assigned to stand-up or the guys who had to sing ‘Rainbow Connection’. I can just picture the rehearsal. ‘Okay boys, there’s a basket by the door. Kindly leave your balls in it and feel free to pick them up after the show – okay now, places everyone!!!’
Either way, Tony (whose face sort of reminds me of Brittney from the Chipettes for some reason) had to start us off with a Kermit impression – there’s always gotta be one of them. And while we’re talking about suffering through something: Poor Charlie. I felt sick for him as he had a panic attack about the comedy and good on him for standing up for himself and sneaking into her dressing room (discovering her in a random hoodie). I think he totally deserved the rose on that date, but maybe next time. Either way, when he was being interviewed by Miss Piggy, with that sweet little smile, well, let’s just say it’s official. He’s adorable. Like strand me on an island and chop me some wood with those big strong arms adorable.
As usual, the performances in every category were poor to mediocre at best.
The dance number consisted of Emily standing there doing the ‘I have to pee’ dance while the guys tried desperately to look coordinated without looking gay (except for Stevie whose beret made his head look like a penis and was all over it – pretty sure by the end of Stevie’s time here, there’s a chance he’ll be trying to make a rainbow connection of his own with at least one of the other dudes).
The comedy was absolutely unbearable – actually the only funny part of the night at all was a line by Michael when he was just hanging out with Kermit and quietly asked him about if he orders bacon for breakfast. I knew I liked something about that guy (and bacon). It didn’t help that it was a family event so the guys couldn’t even rely on filthy humor for some cheap laughs.
Then the singing – even Ricki bombed that and I don’t know how some of the guys needed cheat sheets – how do you not know that song???
As we fondly bid farewell to the Muppets (which I have to admit was a very entertaining portion of the episode but somewhat weird as well), and head over to the evening portion and Emily’s fourteenth wardrobe change, I have high hopes for the remainder of the night. Of course it doesn’t take long for Kalen (who looks like Guy Smiley and whose name really should be Blaine, let’s face it) to piss the other guys off. Kalen reminds us as soon as possible that back home in Moneyland, he has no trouble getting the ladies. It’s pretty clear he also has no trouble wearing ladies sweaters too. And just in case we were undecided about whether he is in fact a total douche-bag, he seals the deal for us, with his ‘I’d hate me if I were you too. But fortunately, I’m me.’ to Stevie. Nice.
I’m not sure if I missed the memo or something, but since when is Chris good looking? I beg to differ. Emily actually singled him out to tell him how good looking he is to the point where it makes her nervous? Really? There are other way cuter guys at the house so I’m really not sure how this happened. And why would she admire Chris for not making an effort to show the other guys that he’s good looking? Is he supposed to be trying to turn on other straight dudes? Then again, she is also really nervous with Jef and though part of me thinks he is intriguing, the other part of me thinks he is potentially Chaz Bono’s long lost eight year old twin. Maybe one of Emily’s implants is leaking or something and it’s starting to affect her brain. Seriously does anyone else notice that the size and shape of her boobs keeps changing as dramatically as a rose ceremony?
Finally, there’s Joe’s date. I’m sure you were as shocked as I was to see Joe getting a one-on-one and I think she really instilled confidence in us when she said ‘there’s a pretty good chance we’ll have fun today.’ Sweet. Love the fact that the private plane and red carpet were there to make us think they were going somewhere crazy and then they end up at en empty hotel in West Virginia with the ugliest wallpaper I’ve ever seen (though Emily was wearing the cutest bikini ever – which balanced out her horrific peach ballgown nicely). I didn’t expect her to send someone home so early on and she’s gonna need to sack up a little cuz there’s a lot more heart-breaking to do on the way. The poor guy took it like a champ and thanked her for the opportunity (what is this, an audition for Dragon’s Den?).
In the meantime, back at the house, our only saving grace for drama, Kalen, is as usual stepping in some doodoo with pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth. In all fairness to him, you can just see that the guys want to hate him and will pretty much use anything he says to turn it into an argument, but at the same time, how can you not hate him, with his boating shoes, annoyingly calm demeanor and general assholeosity. I think there’s a good chance there may be some fists flying this season!
Finally, the cocktail party. Emily and her teen mom pick out the worst pageant dress of all time which (yay!) gives her a teeny tiny unflattering pooch (a girl can dream, right?) and we settle in for our surprise dramatic reading of every feeling Ryan has ever had. Seriously – seven pages??? Do you have a uterus? Girls write seven page letters. Not boys. It’s just not natural. And having to read it out loud? I mean obviously this is in their contracts, the same way cell phones on reality shows always have to be on speaker – you know, to shred any semblance of privacy. But when she took it out and felt the sheer weight of it, perhaps she could have put off reading it for a few minutes while the entire cocktail party had to wait. Poor Tony.
The rose ceremony is upon us quickly and I’m shocked by some of her picks. Kalen leaves his bench swing, with nary a hand job blanket to keep him warm long enough to be picked first. Stevie shockingly makes the cut and I’m sorry but I can’t believe both Allesandro and Allejandro made it. Seriously how is a 23 year old mushroom farmer going to be the perfect dad for Ricki (and what kinda mushrooms are we talking about here?) And Alessandro? The mute Lego Mini Figure wielding a can of spray tan as his weapon? Seriously that guy must be stopped.
While I am hopeful that we will see no more cookies and hear no more discussions of mom clothes, I’m starting to get worried. Will there be enough for me to make fun of? Enough drama to entice us to keep watching? Will I be able to carry this season through? You know the drill – only time will tell!