The Bachelorette – Emily: Episode One

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you’re not shocked by the fact that I’ve all but fallen off the planet since that fateful day when Ben got down on one knee and proposed to the cover model of Whores Illustrated.  Despite my gleeful (albeit pathetic) attempts to stay connected through Facebook by spouting out random Bachelor-related updates, I’ve all but disappeared.

‘This time will be different,’ I said to myself, as I wiped the vomit from the corners of my mouth after watching Courtney attempt to cry her way into our hearts on ‘After the Final rose’.   ‘There’s such a huge gap between seasons – surely I’ll have time to write five or six little blog posts at least’, I lamented as Ben tried to convince us that they were still madly in love despite the fact that he looked like he recently drowned in a bottle of gin.  ‘Be the babe from the burbs you were destined to be!’   I quietly encouraged as many a night passed without me making the time.  ‘Perhaps an easy weeknight meal for the moms out there?  How hard can it be to write about that?  I am a mom after all and I do fancy me an easy weeknight meal quite often.  How about using the blog as a form of self reflection and introspection, cathartically releasing struggles I encounter every day – like knowing that it’s a fashion faux pas to wear hair elastics as bracelets, but being powerless to stop myself.  God dammit, it’s just so convenient!

So eff that.  Until I am rich and void of an obligation to ‘the man’ that requires me to sit at a desk during daylight hours feeling the skin on my legs dry up under my desk from my loyal space heater going back and forth…back and forth… until then…I will do my best.  And right now, my best is The Bachelorette.  So all you mommy bloggers out there that have three kids and full times jobs and still manage to put up a pretty little post every day when I can barely find time to learn how to tag things, well, you are my heroes.  But you know what?  Suck it.

Oh Emily.  Our dear, sweet, Single Mom Barbie.  How mixed my emotions are for thee.  On the one hand, I can still feel the tears well up every time I think of you telling the story of the dearly departed Ricki, the plane crash, your pregnant self alone without the love of your life and I want to put you in my pocket and protect the two of you and have a playdate for my kids with Ricki.  And now, a young woman who still finds time to decorate her daughter’s bedroom with 47 layers of Laura Ashley overkill and make herself into the most perfect petite blonde ever.  Even your nail beds are adorable.  I hate you slightly. 

As with the beginning of every season, I have mixed emotions.  Do I want Emily to find love and happiness?  Of course I do!  Probably more than anyone on the show ever!  But here’s the thing.  I want to be entertained.  I want to laugh.  I want to judge people.  And frankly, I’m just a bit concerned that this season may just be a little too PG for me.  I think the first proof of that was listening to Emily pepper every sentence with the word ‘Awesome!’, or when she was totally at a loss, the big ol’ ‘Golly!’ 

So the first thing I noticed right out of the gate, was did mama get herself a new pair of boobs???  I mean I remember her body being the very definition of petite perfection, but I don’t remember the tatas exploding out of a thick wool sweater on episodes past?  Anyone?

The second thing I was shocked about – she’s only 26???  Did everyone else catch that and am I the last to know?  I don’t know if it’s just TV or American girls, but generally speaking reality show contestants tend to look way older than their age.  But seriously?  She’s already been through all of this and she’s eight years younger than me??? (By the way I had the double check that by counting on my fingers.  Never was good at math, nosiree).

Third.  I think I’ve found her flaw.  Despite the squeaky clean teeth, Barbie has a secret.  She doesn’t change her clothes.  The entire opening sequence with her and Ricki showed her putting Ricki to bed wearing the pink tie-dieish top, waking up in the morning wearing the same shirt, going about her day (same top) and putting herself to bed later that night (in – you guessed it – the very same top).

There wasn’t much more to Emily’s montage other than her getting clarity via horseback (what is it about horses and this show?), looking unnaturally skinny in a billowing plaid button down, and a series of scenes shot from afar to capture Emily deep in thought, wishing upon a star that she’ll find love this time around.  You can tell how awkward she felt – at one point she’s just standing looking out onto water and you can practically see her straining her neck wondering if they’ve got the shot and she’s allowed to move.

Ok let’s get down to business – there’s a whole season ahead of us for me to go off on ridiculous tangents.  Let’s meet the boys, shall we? 

I must say I was wondering beforehand if the show would be shot on location in Charlotte to avoid uprooting Ricki from her life or forcing Emily to be apart from her and I was pleasantly surprised when Chris stood on the steps of an unfamiliar mansion waiting for Emily to arrive straight from the figure skating competition. ‘Yay!!!’  I thought.  No more baroque drapes and faux flowers clawing at the walls.  No more Sante Fe overload in one room and Terra Cotta nightmare in the other.  But alas, looks like they hired the same location scout for this season too and they managed to find pretty much an exact replica of the LA house.  Purple stained glass windows?  Check.   Pillar candles situated on random, well…pillars throughout the house?  Sigh…check.

Sean – first one out of the gate tonight.  You seem nice and sweet and not much else.  But I think Emily will dig that.  And you’re kinda cute.

Kalen.  Mr. reformed womanizer with the geek chic glasses.  We all know how I feel about expensive sportscars (I’m talking about the really expensive ones here by the way) and I’ve shared this with you before.  To me, a guy driving a Ferrari or anything of the sort (especially one revving the engine around my suburban neighborhood as nannies walking their kids home from school grab the kids from the curb for fear of getting smashed by one) is an automatic admission of a small dick.  I’m sorry it just is and you know it.  And that’s just black or silver.  Get it in red or yellow, you’re probably looking at a small dick, one ball combo.  Throw in a helicopter and I’m thinking there’s a teeny tiny pajina hiding somewhere in those $800 pants, Kalen – just sayin’.  NOT impressed.

Not only has this guy completely contradicted his introductory speech about how he used to be a womanizer then had a moment of clarity where he realized he needed to be more grounded by literally arriving from the air, but he just automatically put a target on his back to be hated in the house by all the other guys.  I am sorry but a good first impression that does not make.  Judging from the crickets in the room every time Kalen entered, it’s going to take a long time for him to dig himself out of this hole using only a silver spoon.  The weird thing is Kalen is not even the only rich dude there.  For some reason half the guys seems to be fourteen year old self-made billionaires.  Um, did we miss a memo over here in Canada?  Can someone tell me how my man can get some of that brown sugar?

Ryan the sports trainer.  I like this guy.  He kicked off what seemed to be an endless montage of guys working out in various forms – seriously was there one guy that they didn’t show working out in the intro?  Ryan seemed very soft spoken, is one of the prettier boys, and he BY FAR gets my vote for the most adorable intro to Emily of the night.  His note proclaiming her beauty and his nervousness totally had me at hello and was actually the first gimmicky first impression that I didn’t want to beat myself over.  Yup.  I like him. 

Tony the single dad.  You’re sort of cute and of course, I became emotional as I saw you interacting with your son.  You know that whole ‘what has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily’ bit?  Well, you can kindly take those two thumbs and shove them up your ass, but I still do like you.  Just don’t do that again. Ever. 

David the singer/songwriter.  Gee, I wonder if you have an agenda and are here for the right reasons.  Are you going to play a song at some point in the show that you wrote ‘just for Emily’?  And while you’re spewing phrases out of your mouth like ‘disparate facets converging’ to describe the fate and energy that has drawn you to Emily like Jake Pavelka to reality TV opportunities, why don’t you give our ol’ buddy Wes a call from Jillian’s season and Bachelor Pad and see how the Bachelor franchise really jump-started his singing career.  Oh wait.  It didn’t.  I’m sure you’ll last long. 

Charlie.  Now here’s the kind of guy I picture Emily with.  A rugged athlete with a teddy bear soul.  So what if he might be a bit dim from the brain injury?  Emily talks kinda slow anyways and not much of what she says is that interesting.  I think this might be a good match.  Wonder how long it took him to come up with the line about there not being anything wrong with his heart. 

Jef with one F.  Really?  The skateboard move was sort of cute, and when Emily said ‘I was gonna ride that later!’ so many thoughts went racing through my mind.  I’m telling you though, it’s going to be challenging to make sexual jokes about this girl.  I mean, that one was there for the taking and it just didn’t seem right.  When he sauntered up the steps and said ‘good thing I didn’t crash, huh?’ I did a double take.  Um, are you making some sort of sick joke about Emily’s dead fiancée???  Inappropriate much???  I, like Emily, think Jef is sort of cool and cute in a weird way and during the times Emily was talking to him, I felt a bit more of a human, less roboty sort of vibe coming off of her, which was a nice change.  He does look 14 and the whole one F thing is throwing me off, but he seems like a good guy.  Let’s see where this goes. 

Arie the race car driver – does your muthah know you’re here?  I can just hear her now sitting around the Mahjong table with her girlfriends – “Can you believe it?  First the whole race car business and now shlepping off to Charlotte for a shiksah!  Oy, where did I go wrong?  Nevah mind, pass me the almonds, will ya Honey?”

Onto Doug who played the kid card every chance he could, including the second he met Emily.  Know when to hold em, Dude!   He asked her about Ricki so many times, I honestly thought he was going to call the babysitter and check on her himself.  Even still, I did cry when she read the letter from his son and he is a cutie so good on him for getting the first impression rose.

Jackson, the minute you launched into your soliloquy, you might as well have turned around and walked right back to the limo.

Joe, did you not get the memo?  Emily doesn’t need that much personality.  She doesn’t know how to handle that kind of energy.  Now why don’t you go get yourself a wee bit of Ritalin and chill the hell out.  It’s gonna be a long season…though not for you probably. 

Aaron, I think you should stick to science.  Clearly English is not your best subject cuz that biology chemistry line was just plain brutal. 

Alessandro – How is it that you left Brazil only four years ago and you’ve already lost your accent?  Something fishy there.  You know what isn’t fishy?  Deciding if your tan is fake or real.  That’s pretty clear.  And while we’re on the subject, what are the chances of having an Alessandro and an Alejandro???

Stevie the MC.  Somehow, despite that fact that you are wearing a shirt the colour of a leprechaun and running-manned your way into the show with a baby ghettoblaster circa 1992 and are already clearly the one on the show who is going to get caught up in your distaste (jealousy) for other contestants and let it ruin your chances with Emily, somehow, through all of that, you managed to get a rose.  Who am I to judge?  Maybe you’ve got some sort of secret, perhaps from the end of the rainbow? 

Costume dude.  The whole granny thing…um…I think the five o’clock shadow sorta gave you away.  Shocker that you didn’t get a rose.

Music Mike.  I didn’t think he was cute when he first met Emily and though I’m not the biggest fan of his hair I would like to know what conditioner he uses – man that shit was silky!  Either way, I do dig his vibe and seeing him standing next to Emily as she once again said ‘awesome! when she handed him a rose made me realize how tall he is.  He is a tiny bit hot.  Let’s see what happens.

The rest of the intros to me are just a blur of poor analogies and gimmicky failures and as with every premiere, we were left with a fine coat of bile in our mouths.  From the bobble heads, to the Ostrich egg (still don’t get it), to the literal glass slipper, to Jean Paul’s admission of six kids over and over again (at any moment I thought he was going to pull out a pic of the six kids and they would be dogs or something like that and we could all laugh and move on with our lives, but no, the guy actually has six kids), it was all a bit much, no?

Finally, the roses are given, the rejected depart and Emily makes her first speech of the season, telling the guys this really can work (Really?  Can it?  Have you not followed the relationships of previous contestants?  I think we’re like 1 for 12 right now or something like that). 

I think my favourite part of the night had to be the upcoming scenes for the season.  Looks like we may get to see 50 Shades of Emily after all, with all the drama lurking in the coming episodes.  Woohoo!  Don’t get me wrong.  I do love her in all her squeaky clean, boring glory (again, who doesn’t) and I of course wish her the best and sincerely hope this is the true fairy tale romance she’s looking for, but I am crossing my fingers that Bentley may make a surprise appearance Chantal style and bring us all back to the deep, dark, manipulative place we love to be where this show is concerned.

I truly have missed you and it’s good to be back, peeps.  Is there a chance this season will be my favourite?  Only time will tell!


7 thoughts on “The Bachelorette – Emily: Episode One

  1. Best line of the blog by far – “Get it in red or yellow, you’re probably looking at a small dick, one ball combo.” I love you. Great blog post and I was really thinking you would have a hard time with this one since there wasn’t so much material to work with yet, way to pull through.

  2. Yay you’re back!!!!! Totally agree with everything you said, can’t even single anything out because it’s all spot on. Ryan had me at hello too! I think if I was in Emily’s shoes I may have just given him the final rose then and there and sent the rest packing. Fingers crossed for a good season!

  3. Welcome back–keeping my fingers crossed for a great season. Future episodes look great–who knew she would get bleeped! I didn’t think she could bring herself to swear!

  4. Single Mom Barbie – I don’t know if you will ever see that one on the shelves. Great blog Sheri, I look forward to reading them every week!!

  5. I hear you about Ryan. Yummmm! I have to say, there is something about Jef! But why did he have to drop one of the Fs! Yikes!

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