Let’s be honest here, people. There isn’t that much to say about The Women Tell All. Yes, there were moments when I had the pause the TV every three seconds to make sure I captured every last detail of this madness, but there were other times, where my fingers cramped from hovering over my keyboard desperate for inspiration, and alas, it never came.
The Women Tell All, much like After The Final Rose, are clearly designed to prolong the duration of each season and increase any profits that could potentially be incurred from advertisers. That’s pretty obvious. They certainly don’t provide the ‘closure’ we all strive for, let alone the actual girls who are on the show. But yet, where would we be without these extra episodes? Without the chance to see everyone with their fresh spray tans and brand new boobies, or count the row upon row of cellulite dimples as the girls cease to remember the important detail that if someone diagonally in front of you is being interviewed, your thighs are guaranteed to be taking up what’s left of the screen. If nothing else, these episodes pay homage to the most wonderful thing to happen to women since jeggings – that’s right. I’m talking about the nude pump.
The show starts off with a bang as Chris Harrison wastes no time dropping the C Word and reveals that Courtney is in da house. Immediately, every woman (and the two men) in the audience puts on her ‘oh no you di-INT ‘ face’ and it’s game time. The fact that they would treat us to this splendid surprise almost makes up for the fact that Bentley and his giant vagina were a no show on After The final Rose on Ashley’s season. Almost.
So Chris leads into the Bachelor Pad Three casting party by telling us that hundreds of men and women have come onto the bachelorette. What I wouldn’t give to get my hands on those cue cards he’s reading off of and see which way they’ve spelled ‘come’… I’d put some money on there being a ‘u’ in there somewhere.
From the moment the footage aired, I was completely overwhelmed. I tried as hard as I could to capture it all but it simply wasn’t possible. Thank God for Princess Erica, looking rather demure in her all black dress and heaving bosom, for taking the time to offer her colour commentary. She could be my sidekick. From Kasey and Lisa P literally eating each other’s faces, to the news that Ali was probably going to give her third or fourth chance at love to the bachelor franchise (I’ve lost count), to Ed being referred to as a bad ass (um…isn’t he an IT consultant?), to Michelle Money telling us that yes, she’s willing to go on Bachelor Pad again (why don’t you just give your daughter up for adoption, you slut), to Ryan attempting to be a nonchalant ‘cool dude’ (note to Ryan: Saying someone’s shoes ‘rock’ does make you cooler than say, someone who might call the shoes ‘neat’. However, clearly enunciating the ‘ing’ on the word ‘rocking’ immediately cancels out any said cool factor from your attempt at nonchalant cool dudeiosity). Sigh.
I think Michael Stagliano was really onto something when he suggested putting Jenna (who appears to have found some comfort in 3 AM visits to the fridge) on Bachelor Pad. Can you just imagine her strategizing? Who in their right mind would pair up with her???
By the end of the segment my head was practically spinning. I couldn’t type anymore and all of a sudden we were transferred to the set of Dirty Dancing and half the people at the reunion party became Baby and Johnny the night they performed at the resort where they caught the Shumackers stealing all the wallets.
Okay, onto the women. This is the part where there were big…long…gaps…for me (fine by me, more time to become acquainted with my vino).
We start out by reliving some of the more horrifying moments of the season as Chris Harrison refreshes our memory, such as looking directly at Jaclyn in general and Jamie’s attempt at seduction which unfortunately is forever etched in my mind. Blakely set the tone right away announcing that she didn’t come here to make friends which seems to be all Samantha needs to go absolutely postal for the first half of the show on Brittney, Blakely and anyone else that dares cross her path.
I think Brittney said it best when she revealed that her first and foremost reason for leaving the show was because she had no attraction to Ben. For some reason this lights a fire under Samantha’s ass that can only be tamed when she stops to bite her lower lip in disgust.
I can only assume that Jenna came to the studio with a doctor’s note asking that she not be spoken directly to throughout the duration of the episode for the sake of her mental stability. That’s the only possible reason I can think of why Chris Harrison didn’t get into it with her about her brief but memorable stint on the show.
Shawntel also makes her brief appearance to sit face to face with the girls that cut up every single part of her body, which really, just gave me time to further examine the imperfect features of said girls. I’m not quite sure how Erica, with her eyes clearly not positioned right next to each other, but terribly askew, announcing to the world that she herself doesn’t have small thighs is supposed to be an olive branch for Shawntel to cling to or how Ilyse, with her neck thirteen shades lighter than her face expects us to believe that she’s rooting for Shawntel. The whole scenario was confusing, especially the part where Emily throw her hands up in the air – almost letting a boob escape from her miniscule dress – to tell Shawntel that she’s gorgeous and she can get any guy she wants. Um, really???
It doesn’t take long for the conversation to turn to Courtney and for us to enjoy her most memorable moments on the show. From the scene where she’s lying on a table, her black pantyhose glowing in the moonlight, to asking Kasie how it tasted coming out of her mouth announcing Courtney getting the one on one and finally the whole scenario with Emily, from refusing to accept her apology, to where Emily gets the boot standing right next to her and Courtney chooses that moment to sniff her rose and give Emily a little smile. What a knife-twisting biatch. You know that was done for show, because really, roses don’t even smell good. You know it’s your natural reaction to smell flowers and let out some sort of audible appreciation for them but next time you do that, really, actually smell them. Unless you’re talking lavender, or lilac, most flowers smell kinda gross. I’m not saying I don’t love them and treat myself regularly to them, but not for the smell. Just sayin’
Onto the truly heartbroken. Nicki takes the hot seat, wearing a dress I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before on, oh I don’t now, every episode. She says what we’d expect her to say. We’re proud of her for getting through it with class and dignity and feel assured that there is a perfect guy out there for her. Next? Kasie.
Nice to see that Kasie has taken the time not only to have a blowdry for tonight’s event, but also to carefully style her sideburns. Hot. She takes a break from holding Nicki’s hand to relive her meltdown in the car after getting kicked off and acknowledge what we all knew – the moment he met her bible-thumping Daddy, it was all over.
Emily seems to be the only voice of reason that’s actually able to articulate her thoughts, and even when she isn’t, that’s okay, because apparently Monica is the Arsenio Hall of this panel of fine women, just woop- wooping it from the back row, taking breaks only to express her ongoing lust for Blakely.
The prelude to Courtney begins, and Casey S does her best to defend Courtney to the group of angry women. She’s about as convincing as she was to Chris when she first told him she was over her ex-boyfriend. If nothing else the interview with Casey S gives us all a chance to reunite us with Jaclyn and her orange chamois – I mean dress. The producers did a good job of sparing us her face and keeping the camera focused on her spray-tanned, thighs in conjunction with her plummeting neckline and escape boobs.
Finally Courtney comes out, with pretty horrific posture and walking for a ‘model’ and I really don’t have to say much other than I CALL BULLSHIT. I do not believe one word that comes out of this girl’s mouth. Just because you snort some onions before coming on stage and allow yourself to shed one perfect tear, doesn’t mean you’re sorry. Hard to find lines from a Sex & The City episode or a Bob Marley song to get ya outta this one, ain’t it sister? I do feel bad for her family and ‘friends’ (aka ex boyfriends she still sleeps with from time to time) because they are fairly innocent in the situation and let’s face it, her mom is a bit ‘fragile’, but really Courtney, as Emily says, you make your bed, you lie in it.
Finally, Jenna speaks but I can’t remember what she even said because I was so distracted by her one unpolished nail.
The icing on the cake came at the end, with Ben coming out for a four second interview and tries his best to say the right thing to the panel of worked up women. “Welcome to my nightmare!”, he says. Really, dude. You have no idea.
Poor Jamie gives a last ditch attempt to offer herself to Ben. If he’s smart, he’ll hold onto her number because it’s only a matter of time before he finds himself single again. Maybe next time she’ll bring actual blueprints for their first kiss.
Even the bloopers reel was completely unentertaining (though utterly horrifying as we caught a glimpse of Ben’s pasty white skin and rolls pour themself into a saggy loincloth and run through a cornfield – WAY too much naked for me), so I think I’ll end it here. The big shocker will likely be that he chooses Courtney but doesn’t offer her a ring – which is pretty much what everyone on this show should actually do if they want any chance of success. It’s pretty obvious who we’re all rooting for next week – even Nicki and Kasie B – the most heartbroken girls in the bunch couldn’t help smiling as they relived Lindzi and Ben’s ‘journey’ together. But we all know, to pull a Courtney and steal lines from a song and claim them as my own personal thoughts – you can’t always get what you want.
Till next week!
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