Usually I have the night to sleep on the episode…to absorb it in all its glory and let my analysis fester inside me until it explodes at an ungodly hour the next morning at work before anyone trickles in.
But, a commitment downtown early tomorrow is forcing me to dive right in now when I should be curling up in bed. Oh well, another glass of wine it is.
It’s week six. Frosh Week is over and the Freshman 15 have arrived…Ben included.
For a change, tonight’s opening montage consisted of Ben kissing every girl intermingled with Casey S’s performance that at times resembled a beached whale and others, totally ultrasonic.
At first I thought the best part of the episode would surely be the scenery. After last week’s torturous episode I had really, REALLY low expectations, but I gotta say I was almost pleasantly surprised (and totally horrified) by some of the material I’ve been given to work with.
Of course, Courtney took centre stage for most of the episode and is about eleven steps away from a full on skinny-dipping addiction. Too bad she can’t shed her soul as easily as she can shed her clothes. Then maybe we’d like her just a little bit.
As the girls got cozy in their funky suite, one thing sadly stood out for me. Kasey B’s hair. I know I talk about it every week, but I just don’t get it. It’s like she’s a two year old whose mother just gave up after fighting to try to get a ponytail in. It’s a hot, humid, frizzy mess of a hot mess.
I was surprised that she got the one-on-one. Am I the only one who feels like she’s been on at least nine? The helicopter (yawn) came to pick them up so Ben could kidnap her and take her to a deserted island (where she would hopefully be taken hostage and forced to chemically straighten her hair). Clearly her bag of goodies was her designated ‘if I were trapped on a deserted island, what would I bring’ stash and I have to say I’m highly disappointed with her choices.
First things first: Hey all you ladies out there – no, I’m not asking you to wave your hands around like you just don’t care, I have something more important to say. Guess what? It’s not cute if you’re in your twenties or thirties and you still have an intimate relationship with a stuffed animal. If you’re on a TV show looking for a husband, it’s time to cut the cord. I’m not heartless. I had a cabbage patch kid (Aristotle Eustace). I had a Wrinkles doll (Andy). I had a Popple. I had it all. But I am not about to go carting them around on a dating show. That’s valuable real estate in my suitcase. That’s another pair of shoes for the love of god. So Kasey, tell yourself, and while you’re at it, tell your friend Snooki – who managed to take the largest stuffed animal ever on a flight to Italy – to get over it and unless they can vibrate, leave the toys at home.
Anyways. Kasey’s unimpressive survival gear was only overshadowed by Ben, who felt the need to channel his inner Muppet as he announced each of the sensible items with him.
Kasey gets turned on watching Ben crack his (coco)nuts and the two of them grow closer than ever eating unseasoned fish. Apparently that’s enough of a meal for Kasey (but good on her for eating at all now that we know her dirty little secret!), because once again the food on the evening portion of their date goes to complete waste.
To be honest, I found it hard to focus on Kasey, in the shortest mini-dress ever, pouring her heart out at dinner because Ben’s ginormous watch was taking up half the screen. Seriously, how does he lift his arm every five seconds to push his bangs out of the way with the sheer weight of the thing? He must have one normal arm and one ripped arm (like my arm that I carry my daughter with – yeah, I call it my hot arm. So what? Don’t judge me). I swear you can tell time from Space with that thing. In the end, surprise surprise, his future wife got the rose.
Back at the house, Blakely is being a little rude and a lot psycho when she gets the two on one card, basically throwing her confidence in Rachel’s face as if to say ‘I got this’. Am I the only one who was thinking, you so don’t ‘got this’, Sugar Cube, but it’ll be fun to watch. Don’t get me wrong. I get Blakeley’s excitement. I too would be excited if I had to fight off fewer girls for the last carrot at the trough. But really, Blakely, show some class. Sorry, I meant try to show some class.
Group date day arrives and I’m starting to wonder if we’ve somehow switched the channel to Survivor. We get it, Ben. You like the outdoors. But there is no way all of those girls with their pasted smiles on their faces enjoy hanging out in a filthy boat on a muddy, danger-infested river, in the rain, watching kids in loincloths jumping off cliffs while barely escaping spinal injuries. The only person who seemed to really like the whole boat thing was Jamie, because it’s probably nicer than the home she grew up in.
What’s that you say? Who’s Jamie? Oh right. She’s the mute who hasn’t spoken since her opening montage on the season premiere that chose tonight to explode into a severe case of verbal diarrhea coupled with the most embarrassing attempt at overt human sexuality that I have ever witnessed in my life.
The girls enter the village, are told to strip down by strangers and don’t seem to have any problem with it, especially Courtney (shocker). Funny how not even blurring her boobs out did the job. They had to go for the full black bar. I do agree with Courtney that the other girls really don’t take the initiative that they should and sometimes I feel like they’re more interested in the sleepover camp vibe of the show than the reason they’re all supposedly there. Honestly, though, if Courtney is still interested in Ben after watching his sack dangling in the wind while they danced protected by only a thin strip of fabric, then just let her have him.
Usually it’s the girls sucking in their tummies when hanging out in bikinis, but I was amused to see Ben sucking in his gut this time around – and rightly so. Is wine waistline the new beer belly? Apparently. For a group that doesn’t ever eat on camera, they all certainly are finding the time to pack it on. Like I said, Frosh Week is over and we’re just left with the Freshman 15 and an irritable loincloth. Even the village chief is starting to look better than Ben.
Onto the evening, where Courtney is her vile, fake self (“my baby voice is being stolen, take me away!”), and Casey S dons a pretty ridiculous looking pair of thigh high boots (or were those stockings – I have no idea. ) Jamie once again, piles on the glitter shadow as much as she possibly can and makes up for her silent season by seizing the opportunity to make a big move. Of course, it’s quickly destroyed by Courtney’s seductive poolside distraction about a meter away (awkward much?). My head was already reeling trying to digest the fact that Jamie actually knows how to communicate verbally. Watching Courtney diddling herself in the corner was just too much.
Emily, manages to find some time to show her funny side (atta girl!) and ‘scores’ a kiss with Ben (can someone get him some chapstick please???). I can’t handle the lip-licking any more. Courtney is obviously pissed that despite all her tricks, including her topless day with the village people, Lindzi (my fave) still gets the rose so she chooses to take her anger out on Emily, who despite being the bigger person who has apologized for doing what any self-respecting bachelorette would do, is still on her hit list. We close the evening with Courtney drowning her sorrows in full makeup, a cup of tea and a hideous sweater, waiting for Ben and his manly muffin top to charge through the door so she can ‘take it in the tailpipe.’
The next morning, Blakely is doing some sort of chair-humping, land-surfing dance to convey her excitement at the two on one – which she is of course not nervous about since she’s used to two on ones. Practically Sunday morning church for her. Interesting that to hang out at the house, Kasey B’s hair seems washed and styled but for Ben – F’n disaster.
The ladies get ready for their date with Ben and arm in arm…in arm…they walk along the cobblestone in some seriously high heels for a daytime date. Just sayin’.
Not quite sure how Ben thinks choosing dancing lessons where one person is forced to sit out and watch at all times isn’t an awkward choice for this type of date but nevertheless, the girls are forced to proceed with it, in the most hideous 80’s bat mitzvah dresses I’ve ever seen. I swear I was waiting for someone to call Blakely up to light candle number nine at any given moment.
The only thing more embarrassing that Blakely’s dress was watching Rachel attempt to cut in and bomb horribly. Rachel slinks back to her pillar to watch in horror as Blakely (surprise surprise) does all but fellate Ben between the 1,2, 3 and 5,6,7.
I’m a little confused about the evening one-on-one time where Blakely presents her scrapbook to Ben. Um, where did she get access to a printer? And more importantly, where did she learn to turn on a computer? I mean the girl used different fonts and everything! That shit took time! Did she bring a full blown arts and crafts station with her? I mean I know she wouldn’t leave home without her be-dazzler, but still…
Shockingly, she doesn’t get the rose and Rachel is rewarded for making the next cut with a vile kiss.
The next morning, the girls are chilling (this time Kasey B is rocking a side bouffant/braid combo), when we get the unexpected visit from Chris.
Somehow in a five minute span, Casey denies having a boyfriend or being in love with someone and then admits, ‘actually yeah, I forgot that I decided last night that I am in love with someone’. As she departs with a cry only dogs can hear, I’m thinking, anyone else confused? Uh…bye? Oh well, nothing leaning over a balcony solemnly before a commercial break won’t cure, right Benny Boy?
Onto the cocktail party, where I became officially embarrassed to be a woman, thanks to Jamie and ashamed to be a woman cuz of Courtney and her evil ways.
I honestly don’t even know where to begin. It started out awkwardly with the whole dress that ripped while Jamie was straddling him. Then somehow went to humiliating. Then I had to go vomit because the camera was practically inside their mouths at one point, and then after Ben laughed directly into her (closed and then open to really give’er) mouth, it was done. Thank god. I don’t even know what to say and clearly neither did Ben because it took him all of four seconds to walk her out. He probably had to go take a rape shower before rejoining the festivities.
So despite Emily’s horrific dress, she has re-established her connection with Ben and scored the final rose. Who would have thought that I’d be back into the show again, and it’s all thanks to Jamie. Hopefully next week’s teaser of a Courtney intervention will actually take place, because I think it’s something we’d all like to witness in this lifetime – ya know, like peace in the Middle East.
Nighty night, bitches.