Bachelor Ben – Episode Three

Wow.  Was anyone else completely spent last night? I mean seriously, there were moments where I just sat there transfixed, fingers hanging precariously above my keyboard, wanting to type but powerless to move as I sat mesmerized by the sheer ugliness of some of last night’s behaviour (and Jaclyn obviously).

Between the collective assault of ‘Oh no you DI-IN’t’ hurled at Shawntel to Ben’s tongue slithering in and out of these girls’ mouths at a rapid pace, I was truly disgusted, at times ashamed, but most of all, entertained – yippee!!!  God Dammit, I love this show.

San Francisco…Sonoma’s eclectic, hotter big sister.  We open with Ben, the geographical manwhore that he is, talking about how excited he is to take these girls around San Fran, the city where he’s likely to spend the rest of his life (cue Sonoma, curled up in a corner, a half-drunk bottle of bourbon in its tightly clenched fist,  crying “Why, Ben, Why????  You used me you dirty bastard, you USED me!!!…”)

Ben’s sister, looking a lot better thanks to some extensions and less bitter than we last saw her on her high horse (surprise surprise, she has a boyfriend!) and him exchange a quick chat before he reveals which base he’s gotten to with half the girls… interesting to see how Ben has challenged the normal sequence this show traditionally has where hometowns and family come closer to the end.  What a rebel!

Meanwhile, once the girls stop squealing about their amazing view Chris Harrison enters with the unexpected news that there will be dates this week!  It’s pretty obvious that Chris has gotten himself a new stylist this season.  He’s reduced his ensembles to three layers – I’ve seen him do five in weather that calls for a bikini (though almost everything on this show calls for a bikini), and though it’s only episode three, dare I say, he’s removed the colour salmon from his wardrobe entirely?

So Emily, a less butch, slightly prettier Kendra Wilkinson snags the first date and of course, Courtney has something to say about it. ‘I always say book smart can be a little boring’.  Yeah, I’d say that too…if I were an IDIOT.  I think Courtney has truly perfected the body language for the phrase ‘just sayin’.  Chew on your bottom lip and get a bit of your cheek in there too.  Look slightly to the side and shrug repeatedly.  Go ahead.  Try it.  It works, no?  Yeah, I know you’re doing it.  I feel so powerful moowaaahahahaha (that’s my evil laugh, just in case you weren’t sure)

Kinda weird that Emily does her interview stressing about what she should wear on the date in the outfit she wears on the date (stellar editing, guys!) and gotta say, not so excited with her choice.  I mean I’m glad she didn’t go to the extremes that some of the other girls go to, but really?  A grey crew neck sweater with a ribbed green tank underneath?  You’re not going grocery shopping, here.  At least accessorize!  She did go well with Ben’s lululemon long sleeve shirt though (pretty much the only time Canadians are not portrayed poorly on reality TV)

Though I did love Ben’s ‘talk to me, Goose’ Top Gun throwback as him and Emily climbed the bridge, I was truly, honestly nauseous watching them do it.  I have to ask myself what I would do in these situations.  How far out of my comfort zone I would go for love?

We all have fears.  Mine is sharks.  Completely irrational, but debilitating nonetheless.  Like to the point where I am not comfortable swimming in the lake at the cottage for fear of lake sharks (it’s possible!!!!!!, I don’t care what you say)  and turned a romantic snorkel in Mexico with my then-boyfriend (now husband) into a minor panic attack.  Stemming from a weekend getaway with my family when I was seven and met a totally cool nine year old girl who insisted we watch Jaws in her room in between rehearsals of the dance we choreographed to Whitney Houston’s ‘I wanna dance with somebody.’  To this day, I am petrified.  Thanks, Lisa!  If I were on the Bachelor and the guy told me we were going cage diving, I’d pretty much pull a Brittney and tell him not to let the cage door hit him on the way out.  Would.  Rather. Die.

But anyways.  Somehow Ben’s peck on the cheek renews Emily’s faith in all of mankind and pushes her to frolick up the bridge to the top like it’s no big deal.  Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Jennifer is just casually taking in the scenery (stalking) and – what?  On the bridge?  Could that be?  No!  Wait!  It is!  It’s Ben and Emily!  Should I invade their privacy?  Why yes!  Yes I should!  And should I tell all the girls about it so they can wrestle over the telescope like a bunch of girls at a cock buffet in a porno?  But of course!  Let’s start with Nicki (whose lesion on her neck doesn’t require a telescope to see).

Back on the date, with once again, a plateful of gourmet food just sitting there congealing, Emily (who is apparently funny but of course, we never get to see that part) tells her online dating stories and is the first of many last night to hear from Ben that he likes where this is going.  The date finishes off with typical TV fireworks, which I truly believe are never as good in real life – seriously have you ever seen fireworks that good?  It’s an illusion.  How awkward would the fireworks have been if she didn’t get a rose?  Think about it.

Okay, so the next morning, it’s group date time, which means pick out your most ridiculous outfit and let’s hit the road!   I don’t know what it is about Blakeley’s fetish for children’s clothing, but that hairband she was wearing looks like it was stolen right off a poor little girl about to receive communion.  Mommy the mean lady took my hairband!  And I don’t know about you, but in my opinion, butt-skimming shorts, four inch platforms and pigtails do not a classy outfit make.

Has anyone else heard of a leap list before?  I have to say this is the first I’ve heard of it.  First item on my leap list?  Find out who the hell this girl Casey S is.  The girl is basically a seat-filler who got lost on her way to the Golden Globes.

Not really sure what that whole photos on the dashboard app was that Ben was so excited to show off in the car.  Either way, very curious what sort of lovers spat must have occurred between Monica and her scissor sister Blakely to make Monica turn on her so much.  And who wouldn’t rather have Rachel?

I have to say, I LOVED the whole skiing thing.  Would love to do that.  Would I love to do it in soccer socks and a bikini?  Not so much.  Would I like to pummel down the hill, with potential labias escaping at any given moment when wiping out in front of a captive audience?  No thank you.  Don’t the producers know who is watching this show?  It’s girls!  Do we really want to see this?  Chances are, whatever your body looks like, you’re not going to feel better about yourself after.

That evening, Ben finally gets some time with Rachel who I am liking more and more.  It’s SO awkward to watch the other girls watching Ben kiss…the only one who doesn’t seem bothered by it is Monica who is lying down on the chaise with her legs in the air just taking it all in, or Blakely, who is too busy remembering that she forgot to put on a top for the date.  Whoops.

Suddenly (cue foreboding music), Brittney shows up trailing one of her suitcases behind her.  She explains to Ben that she needs to go home to raise funds to finish the dye job on her eyebrows as she ran out of money doing her hair and Ben is pretty understanding.  I have to say, I do admire Brittney for being honest with herself and not going further…but it sounds like she still was interested in him and she got the coveted one-on-one, so wouldn’t you just stay for the date at least (what if it was a shopping spree for the love of god!!!) and then decide?  To each his own, I guess.  Oh well, at least this opens up a spot for Grandma to make her move with Ben.

I do get pretty pissed off when people leave reality shows in the middle.  I mean, thousands of people audition for these things, they DREAM of going on these shows.  For someone to get that chance and then give it up is just a slap in the face to all those other people who lost out.  That’s my public service announcement for the day.  If you can’t handle rain, bugs and sleeping in dirt, don’t friggin’ try out for Survivor.  If you know you refuse to cut your hair short or pose naked, don’t try out for America’s Next Top Model.  If you don’t know how to drive stick, either LEARN TO BEFORE or don’t try out for The Amazing Race.  And for the love of god, if you can’t handle getting your body picked apart by ruthless bitches (watching and alongside you), are allergic to roses or not okay with having your romantic moments captured on national television, then the Bachelor is CLEARLY not for you.

Now where were we?  Ah yes.  The group date.  Brittney leaves and the evening continues on.  Blakely wasn’t as dominant as last week, though she did manage to squeeze in some one on one time with Ben – long enough to tell him that all the girls hate her and are jealous of her.  I wasn’t really paying that much attention as I was completely distracted by her earrings.  I mean, sweetie, I know feathers are in right now, but did you have to slaughter a raven on your way to the bar?

Kasey B manages to squeeze in some alone time with Ben – I do think he really likes her (at least enough to risk getting arrested for drinking in public – unless you’re allowed to do that in San Fran?).  I think she could go pretty far in this show…they seem to have a very natural rapport.  Boring, but natural.

Very happy with Ben’s pick to give Rachel the rose on the group date (and very amused to see Monica openly sobbing when she doesn’t get it – way to play hard to get!)

The silver lining in Brittney ‘leaving forever’ (dramatic much?)  is that Lindzi, whom I really like despite her caked-on makeup that is clearly hiding a face that might just need a bit of TLC from Proactive Solutions, got the one-on-one date (another chance to piss off Courtney – yay!)

What a surprise, Ben is excited to give Lindzi ‘a huge taste of San Francisco’.  Most guys would be excited to give their date a huge taste of something else, but not Ben.  He probably jerked off on a Perly’s map right before picking her up.

Their date was pretty cute in a basic sorta way.  I too, would likely go for the superhot heels for my date, but I would at least sneak a pair of flip flops into my purse.  I can only imagine how much Epsom salts these girls go through after walking cobblestone streets uphill for hours at a time.  Welcome to Bunionville, Babe.  Population:  You.

The fact that they got the same flavour of ice cream is a lost opportunity in my books, but I’m obsessed with food, so I tend to fixate on these things.

I can’t think of anything more awkward than a private concert to be honest…though in theory it seems romantic, I honestly would not know what to do with myself.  Do I stand and clap awkwardly to the beat?  Do I dance, knowing that people watching are likely critiquing my dance moves?  Do I pretend they’re not there and get lost in the romance, though I’m not really a PDA person?  Do I sit down and enjoy the music with some wine?  Is that rude to the band?  Too many variables.  It would stress me out.  I once sat in a private box at a concert and felt like such a tool because it’s kind of removed from the crowd.  Really, I’m a grass seats kinda girl.

By the time Ben and Lindzi were at the speak easy and he had let his tongue linger in midair before plunging it into her mouth, my husband, right on schedule had punched himself in the nuts.  Ben’s kissing is getting worse.  I’m not sure if he’s gaining confidence and trying to be a bit sexier, but I really CANNOT handle how he is kissing anymore – especially with Jennifer the ‘best kisser in the house’.  I actually felt sick and had to punch myself in the nuts.  Ouch.

Of course, no date is complete without Ben playing piano which is about as exciting as Casey S’s personality (Who?  I know.)

Okay, now we’re getting to the good stuff.  I knew when I heard the mystery girl on the phone that her voice sounded familiar but I couldn’t quite place it.  And I couldn’t really understand why she and Chris seemed to be besties on the phone if they didn’t know each other, but when the camera revealed Shawntel, I have to say I was excited!  Not quite sure how this would work out since Ben won’t move out of his beloved San Fran/Sonoma and Shawntel already told Brad she won’t move either because of her job, but we’ll see.

I liked the girl.  I felt truly bad for her that no one can seem to get past her profession to the point where I hoped she would be an upcoming bachelorette.  She’s a cool chick, a nice, real girl and she deserves to be with a good guy, no?  And it takes some pretty big balls to do this – not to approach Ben asking him for a chance – that’s the easy part.  I mean walking into the lion’s den with all these bitches.

Despite how distracted I am by some of the hideous attire the girls chose for the evening (like that royal blue hideousness Kasey B is wearing, or the turquoise gladiator ensemble with matchy matchy earrings Erika chose for her final dress of the season).

We toast to San Francisco (what else would we toast to?) and proceed with the evening.  I think it’s pretty safe to say that Jennifer’s big secret of the fact that she kissed Ben is pretty much out.  There were about 12 girls WATCHING you about a meter away, Honey.

I think one of the funnier parts of the cocktail party was trying to watch Courtney convince Elise that Emily is talking about her right in front of her.  It’s like she wants friends and the only way to get them is by turning girls against each other but she can’t even get that right.  The good news is, that she gets frustrated and storms off, revealing her chunky legs and less than perfect rear view – yay!  Not as good as toe thumbs (really, what is?), but we’ll take it!

Even when Courtney later gets her five minutes of one on one time with Ben (which apparently is considered a date if you’re Elise), she makes sure to look at the camera while she throws a few kisses his way.  Don’t worry Court, I’m sure you’ll get a few modeling contracts out of this show.  I can just see you now on the cover of Psychology Today.

It was pretty hilarious that Shawntel walked right past the gang and went looking for Ben.  I feel like she didn’t really fully get to explain herself to him – kinda hard when the other girls were practically on her lap listening.  But it was clear that Ben was considering it.  Ben’s hoping the women would be gracious and welcoming?  Ha!

Here’s where all the girls start to lose it as Shawntel comes in on her high hearse.  I knew they’d be pretty bitchy to her, but honestly, this is the fatal flaw we women have.  The inability to see situations clearly when we’re emotionally invested in them.  What makes Shawntel any different than any of you?  She wanted to meet Ben because of his performance on Ashley’s season.  She actually might even know him better than some of you because she hung out with him at what I can only presume were Bachelor reunion parties.  She is not Brad’s trashy leftovers.  You have no more right to him than she does.  And in many cases, she trumps you, any day.  Now I understand why Elise is a trainer.  Clearly she has some aggression that only belongs in a gym.  And Courtney – as if you’ll leave if he gives her a rose.  And really?  What’s-her-butt?  REALLY?

Ben made the right move getting right to the rose ceremony.  I really thought he would give Shawntel the rose.  I mean, really what’s the harm?  She came all this way, you clearly have no interest in Jaclyn,  who on a scale of one to ten, thinks she’s going to throw up (trust me, honey, the feeling’s mutual), or Erika.

Amidst all the emotion and drama, Erika, who seems to actually smile the whole way through, decides to pass out.  Um, here’s a thought.  Maybe if you didn’t empty the contents of Mr. T’s jewelry box and sew them to your dress for the occasion, you could actually uphold the weight of your clothing?  Of course, everyone freaks out, including other seat-fillers like Jamie “I thought she was gonna die!” in her red mullet dress (which still managed to get her a rose!)

Once the dust settles and Erika gets out of the birthing position, Ben continues with his ridiculous picks.  Monica?  Blakely?  Jamie?  Seriously?  Then again, it’s pretty slim pickins’.  There’s only so long you can look at Jaclyn – and crying in front of Ben is only making it an easier decision.  Their wedding video would be like a horror movie!

I totally think Ben should have given the rose to Shawntel and to be honest, I think he wanted to, but was just afraid of the wrath of the rest of the girls if he did.  Who knows, maybe he missed out on ‘the one’ with Shawntel, but he certainly scored points with the rest of those psychos for letting her go.  I don’t think she could have survived in the house anyways.  Shawntel, here’s hoping we round up some obsessed-with-death hotties for you on a future season of The Bachelorette – I’m here for you!

Next week, looking forward to Courtney’s unraveling…it’s only a matter of time before the girls decide to take matters into their own hands and hopefully Ben overheard her cackling and yelling Sayonara to Shawntel as she left the house with her tail between her legs.

Pretty soon, she’ll be gone and we’ll fondly remember the model named what’s-her-butt that iced her way into our hearts.

Till next week!

p.s. my blog can also be found on insidepulse.com and soon to be found on pinkandbluebaby.com!  yay!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Bachelor Ben – Episode Three

  1. I knew Emily looked familiar, totally Kendra Wilkinson look a like. Great call.

    Best line in the blog “He probably jerked off on a Perly’s map right before picking her up.” – and then used a hand job blanket to clean it up!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s