Bachelor Ben – Episode Two

So my first thought last night was that wow, we’re steppin it up a bit here peeps.  Going on a little vaca right off the bat instead of holding the girls hostage in Liberace’s playground for a few weeks before jetting off to some exotic locale.

And Sonoma, no less.  Ben’s stomping ground.  Isn’t that sweet?  The rolling hills, the sprawling green, the charm that oozes forth from the cobblestone streets.  The grapes, sparkling with morning dew, clinging hopefully to their vines, waiting, just waiting to fulfill their true destiny of becoming a great Pinot or Chardonnay.  Sigh…Sonoma.

And that’s where my feelings about Sonoma should end.

But unfortunately, Mayor Flajnik wouldn’t let it go at just that.  The guy is infatuated.  Like totally hearts Sonoma.  Like wants to know if Sonoma is DTF.  Like wants to give the final rose of the evening to Sonoma.  Like wants to hump Sonoma’s leg or tap Sonoma’s ass.  Like wants to get a fantasy suite card and forgo their individual rooms with Sonoma.

If I were playing a drinking game and had to take a shot last night every time Ben said Sonoma, instead of blogging right now, I would be in bed nursing a hangover the size of, well, Ben’s hard on for Sonoma.

But enough about Sonoma (yeah right).  Let’s move on.

So digging Ben’s vibe on the episode…it’s pretty clear he’s in his element.  The little pop of colour of his blue shoes as he walks down what I can only assume is called Main Street.  The awesome red Bronco he cruised around town with (though it’s for sure not his and was given to him for the show – not as cool).  Yep, he totally looks the part, but it’s becoming painfully clear that any semblance of true personality that he exhibits with these ladies is unfortunately not making it beyond the cutting room floor and what we are left with is a lot of very forward kisses that seem to come from nowhere and speaking remarks to the group of ladies that are akin to closing remarks at an accounting convention, not to mention the weak back pat he does every time he hugs any of the girls.  Not exactly inspiring, definitely not funny and absolutely unromantic.  BO-RING.

So Kasey ‘scores’ the first date, which Ben titillates her with by saying…”uh, so I got a cool date planned…um, be back to get you in a bit.”  Exciting.

What Ben has planned is, surprise, surprise, a tour of Sonoma.  The most personality we seem him exhibit the whole episode is when he giggles with glee at the historical significance of the church they walk past, right before he whisks Kasey into a music store suggesting they try out some duets.    For the love of god, don’t sing, is all I’m thinking.  Don’t make us live through another Kiss From a Rose moment like Ashley and Brad had way back when (New York Ashley, not Ashley Ashley – remember?).  But thank God, it’s just a chance for Ben to impress us with…pressing random keys of a piano without actually creating any music.

Off to a candy shop where Kasey tries to make some sort of a funny joke about how many licks it takes to finish a giant lollipop and Ben knocks it out of the park with the quick-witted response ‘three’.  Hilarious.

The rest of their date is about as exciting as Kasey.  They wrap up their dinner (why does every meal consumed on this show have to take place in some version or another of The Colonnade Room from Y&R?), twirl a baton (DAMN, that bitch can twirl, yo!) and head to the ol’ theatre.  When they walked in I was like, seriously?  Other bachelors get helicopters and go on shopping sprees and you go to dinner and a movie?   If you want to get into Sonoma’s pants by the end of this episode you’re gonna have to step it up, buddy.

But a few minutes later I was eating my words and (shocker!) sobbing uncontrollably as the home video footage ran.  Kasey played the role of concerned and moved date to the tee, asking questions such as ‘When was the last time you heard your father’s voice?’  Um, when he died?  Jeez.

Back at the house, Jaclyn (I’m sorry was anyone else actually a bit alarmed by her face?) reads the date cards for the group date which gives us a chance to have another look at the ladies and realize, yup, Monica is still gross and is apparently one of those annoying girls who laughs at everything (I had a colleague like that once and I was in a constant state of thinking ‘I’m sorry, did I say something funny?)’ and yep, the girls are in the correct stage of sunburn before their pasty white skin adapts to their new locale.

Group date.  Let’s get this party started.  I’m not sure what was worse.  Forcing these girls to put on a play for kids or forcing past Bachelorettes to do stand up comedy.  I think the comedy is worse, but the ‘auditions’ last night were certainly priceless.

I don’t know why reality TV shows make it look so easy for girls to look adorable in boots and cut-offs.  Maybe it’s because I’m Canadian, but I just don’t think I could pull that off – and I don’t think Uggs have quite the same sex appeal as cowboy or riding boots.  Maybe one of my new year’s resolutions this year should be to try out that look.  Sounds pretty deep, right?

I do like Jennifer, the red head (let’s see how her hair colour looks by the end of this season), but her shirt reminded me of the movie Up and I was sorta nervous she would just float away in the middle of her performance.  But she did have a great attitude through the rigorous auditions, which is more than I can say for some of the other girls.  Really,Brittny?  You can’t do ‘hippy’?   You’re wearing a flowing maxi dress…which trend did you think you were buying into when purchasing that one?  And furthermore, in that dress, looking hippy is clearly not a problem.   Sorry you couldn’t hand pick what you were asked to act out and choose, say, a jug of concealer about two shades too pasty for your skin.

Blakely…I honestly think she stole her ‘jumper’ (really what else can you call that outfit and where does a grown woman find this ensemble anyways?) from one of the little girls running the auditions (a few little Miss Bossy’s in the group, no?).  Even though she got to play the role of Ginger Whore, it’s pretty clear that she reigns supreme as the Cougar Queen.

Jaclyn…the poor girl just went from bad to worse the whole day, with that blonde wig slowly teetering on the edge of insanity.

Samantha?  Cute as a pink bunny or whatever she was.  Camel toe flapping in the wind?  Not so cute.  Better be careful, Samantha.  Keep your head in the game, girl.  Remember what happened to Ali when she became obsessed with Vienna?  Actually, neither do I.

Moving onto the latter portion of the group date.  What a surprise, it involves bikinis!  Of course, I am more preoccupied with the cheese plate than the rose right next to it.  Has anyone ever noticed that there is always food but no one ever eats?  It’s weird, because usually as the season progresses you can actually see the weight gain.  If I were on these shows, by the end of the season (yes I would obviously make it to the end), there would be a montage of me eating on a group date, me eating in a helicopter, me eating on a horse, me snacking during a rose ceremony, me chewing through a sunset…

As the night progressed and the claws started to come out, I felt right at home.  At least two girls horribly upset and hiding somewhere in the building?  Check.  Girls riding each others’ shoulders in pool pretending this is what we do together to have fun?  Check.  Mascara streaks from the hot tub and the booze just so?  Check.  Right on schedule.

I was happily enjoying watching Jennifer have one of the most boring conversations ever with Ben before having a full make out sesh out of the middle of nowhere, when the evening took a horrible turn of events.  It started innocently enough.  Jaclyn and someone else (can’t remember) ask “Where’s Samantha.”  What ensues will forever be etched in my brain as they search hi and low only to find Samantha hiding out ON A PUBLIC TOILET????  Are you kidding me?  I’m sorry but the only exercise my thighs ever get is when I have to pee somewhere public because I’m obviously squatting and certainly am not letting any part of my body touch a toilet seat.  And here’s Samantha just sittin’ on the seat, in her clothes like she’s waiting for her scones to arrive to her table to be enjoyed with a selection of fine teas.  Are you kidding me?  And what are you going to do with those clothes that you’re wearing right now?  I think we both know you have no intention of putting them in the laundry.  I think we both know that you’ll be hanging them right back up, or even worse, putting them right into your suitcase, for another day.  Shame, on you Samantha!  And shame on the other girls for not immediately grabbing her up as if she were about to be swallowed by a shark and slapping some sense into her.  EW.

It’s no surprise that Blakely got the rose, since she hijacked most of the night with Ben.  Of course, she had to go and use the oldest trick in the book – the baby voice – to lure Ben into her web.  Why is a sexually charged woman and a baby voice such a powerful combination?  There was no mistaking Blakely for a baby in her post-kiss interview though.  I thought she was gonna spread ‘em and start spinning the record right then and there.

Ok yada, yada, yada, group date over.

Onto Courtney…cold-blooded, malicious Courtney.  There have been lots of types of villains on these shows.  Trust me.  I’ve analyzed.  But Courtney is different.  Most of the time, the most hated girls are this way because of their actions, like for example, they’re dirty whores, or they act completely differently to the bachelor then they do to the girls, or they’re just so damn beautiful that the other girls in the house have no choice but to hate them because what else are they going to do?  Befriend them and be the grenade for life?

But Courtney…is actually, verbally, in your face, malicious.  I’m not sure if she lives in a fantasy world where she and Ben have this apparent undeniable connection that no one else could possibly have (and shouldn’t ‘beat a dead horse trying to find – nice one).   That girl’s got some balls.  The ‘how’d that taste coming out of your mouth’ comment?   Balls.  The blatant stare-downs on the couch with the other girls who were clearly in shock from her bitchiness?  Balls.

Anyways, whatever Courtney seems to be doing is obviously working.  She gets the one on one date and, quelle surprise, Ben wants to take her around Sonoma!  Didn’t see that one coming.  They drive out to a lovely forest and Ben picks a spot right next to a garbage can to display his dog’s uncanny howling ability.  Finally, we get to see Ben showing some personality!  The dog is cute, it seems, like, as Ben says, just a Saturday in Sonoma with his girlfriend, the howling is a fun party trick and then all of a sudden, Ben puts Scotch down, cops a squat on top of him, holds him by the hips and starts rocking back and forth.  Um…did I miss something here?  Courtney just went from cute and casual girlfriend to the fifth wheel.  Kinda makes you wonder if Scotch’s howling is a cry for help.  Does anyone out there speak dog?

They go closer to the shore and lucky Scotch, gets his own hand job blanket (alarm bells much???).  Ben and Courtney have a few cute, authentic moments right before he gives her the rose and sends her back to her lair.  It’s a good thing she told us she’s happy in her post-date interview as she hums into the camera and sniffs the rose, since she actually seems unable to move most of her face.  Really?  Botox?  At 28?

Finally, the episode (and this blog) are coming to an end.  I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to see these girls against a neutral backdrop instead of the horrific décor they’re usually surrounded by back in LA.  It really gives you a chance to focus on the girls and notice a few things and of course, offer some friendly advice.

For example, Kasey.  Just a tip.  Usually you can start letting yourself go after you’ve been the guy’s girlfriend for a few months, not after one date.  What the hell happened to your hair?  I’m sure if your flat iron broke, one of the other girls would have lent you theirs.  Next time, just ask.  Oh and also don’t ever wear that floral mini-dress again.  EVER.

Jaclyn…sigh…forget it…somehow you managed to get a rose so you must be doing something right, but to be honest, looking at you is sort of like looking directly at the sun.

Blakely.  Next time you decide to throw yourself in a corner pretending to cry as an effort to extract sympathy and get some more attention from Ben, smudge your makeup a bit.  The sniffling noises don’t work on their own.  You have to have tears.  Remember the three S’s of reality TV crying.  Sniffle.  Smudge.  Snot.  There there, now.

Jenna.  You’re supposed to use the hand job blanket to either a) keep warm or b) conduct a secret hand job.  You’re not supposed to use it to put the building up in flames, much like your chance to get through another episode on this show.  Before you go, perhaps you should stop by the luggage room and give Blakely some pointers on how to cry.  Oh and also you might want to polish your other nine nails white.  Not really sure what the significance is of doing just the one nail.  As Jeff Probst says, ‘it’s time for you to go.’

Brittny, usually when people are in hot locations, they switch over to bronzer, if it’s not already a staple in their daily make-up regime.  You are bordering on Albino at this point.  I’m not sure if it’s to cover the acne on your chin or because you think it looks good, but either way, switch it up.

I was pretty surprised by some of Ben’s picks at the rose ceremony?  Monica?  Really?  Jaclyn?  Though I do like you for your Wedding Crashers references (call me, Vince!), I fear your days are numbered.

I’m hoping next week it gets a bit crazier…I thought we would have at least a few more episodes of Jenna to entertain us (though it was honestly getting a bit too sad to even make fun of).

Looks like they’re bringing in the big gun – Ben’s ex – sooner rather than later in an effort to step it up.  What can you expect when the highlight of the cocktail party was “Cheers to the skinny tie!”

See ya next week!

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Bachelor Ben – Episode Two

  1. LOL! Sheri, Scotch’s blanket reference? Hilarious!

    Totally agree on the one white nail that Jenna had – that, and her crazy, pathetic tears, were driving me nuts!

    Another job well done!

    p.s. I hope I’m not the colleague you refer to above!

  2. I absolutely LOVE your blog…about as much as Ben loves Sonoma! I only stumbled across it last week whilst googling for goss relating to this season and in that week, I have stalked my way through all of your entries on previous seasons! It was a lovely trip down Bachelor/ette/Pad memory lane.

    I’m so glad you mentioned Scotch’s hand job blanket!! I have to admit though, I was waiting for you to mention Jaclyn’s comment to the other girls about Blakely: “I don’t want her horse face in my face.” Umm…Pot. Kettle. Black??

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