Oh hey there. Remember me? The girl who promised that despite Bachelor Pad ending, I would still find the time, the discipline and the commitment from deep within to continue writing in between seasons? To enter into unchartered non-reality-TV-based content focused on (gasp!) actual reality? Well, guess what? Here’s some reality for you. I’m busy. I have a full time job. I have two kids. I cook at least four nights a week. I sort, wash and fold a thousand loads of laundry. I hang out with my girlfriends. I sneak in trips to Homesense. I have no nanny. I’m a cool wife. I make excuses. Sometimes, I even exercise (okay, barely). So let’s just pretend I decided to write more often as a new year’s resolution for 2012 and forget the last few months, shall we? It’s really more of a resolutiony type of thing anyways…
Okey dokles. It’s gooooooood to be back! Even if the bachelor is Ben.
Let me be clear – I have nothing against Ben. I liked the guy when it was Ashley’s season. He was nice, sweet, a family man, had basic good looks, had a distinctly dry sense of humour that emerged on occasion, made wine, for the love of God. I watched in painful horror and cringed myself inside out when he proposed to Ashley. I respected him for his angry, curt responses to her as she tried to console him by calling him ‘interesting’. I cried large, sloppy tears for him on ‘After the Final Rose’ as they aired footage of how excited he was right before he proposed to her and how his dad would have been proud. In fact, one of his only true flaws was the fact that he was interested in Ashley in the first place! And, I think he wore short bathing suits. Or was that Constantine? Other than that, he’s fine.
But that’s just it. Fine does not, for example, say ‘bend me over and do me dry’ like I would for Ryan Reynolds. Fine does not provide me with hours of internal debate to the tune of ‘If I were single, he would soooo love me!’ or deep detailed discussions with my girlfriends about how we just want him to be happy. I was hoping for either Option A) a clean slate. Someone who had never before appeared on any reality TV show that I had no preconceived notions about or Option B) someone who I felt really needed a boost…like adorable (albeit pathetic) Michael Stagliano who had to hear about his exes engagement on live TV in the finale of Bachelor Pad.
But, after last night’s opener, looks like Ben is merely a secondary cast member in this (literal) pony show. These girls are here to play dirty and I LOVE IT.
Dimples (cheeks, chins and in some cases, thighs)? Check. Good ratio of implants to real boobs? Check. Complete lack of any ethnic diversity whatsoever? Check. Twenty year old girls that look 35? 30 year old girls that look 45? Check check.
Let’s just skip right to the good stuff, especially because these first few episodes where I don’t really know everyone can be a bit messy and confusing for all of us viewers. We already know how horribly Ben was humiliated when he proposed to Ashley only to be sent home on a rickety row boat. We know he’s ready for love and to open his heart, is excited about his journey, adventure, experience, yada yada yada…
Thanks to his opening montage, we also know that he is capable of walking up a hill, playing piano, walking down a hill, wearing a black t shirt, carrying a large piece of lumber for no apparent reason, raising a sail, rocking a coral tank top, suffering third degree sun burns, leaning over a railing, moving a barrel of wine and enjoying a bonfire with his friends.
Since I’m not in the comfort of my home with a PVR to pause as I collect my thoughts (pour more wine) but rather in a one bedroom apartment in Florida with my man and two kids who by some Christmas miracle were actually in bed prior to being greeted by Chris Harrison (the kids, not the husband), you can imagine how stressful it was to try to capture all I could about these ladies as we raced through the opening scenes. Not to mention, the AC is blowing so loud and strong, it’s only drowned out by the refrigerator which chose today of all days to start angrily whirring and buzzing intermittently. I am going back and forth between being absolutely frozen to the bone to sorely wishing I had squeezed in a shower before putting my kids to bed in the room with the shower in it.
I think Lindzi was the first of the ladies to get screen time. Not sure yet if she’s pretty but I do think she’s sweet and down to earth and all that and other than her horse fetish, right off the bat she seems like a front runner. Yup, I like her. Even before he gave her the first impression rose, I had a good feeling. I’m just smart like that.
Cut to Amber, decked out in camo, salivating over a heaping plate of cow balls. Interesting. I can just picture her borrowing a dress from her long lost bestie Vienna and dabbing herself with some fresh fox urine behind the ears and on the wrists before she exited the limo. Despite her animated pre-interview, by the time she got out of the limo and pulled her pathetic love at first sight move, she seemed to have lost her joie de vivre. Is it just me or did she actually seem to be on full blown heroin for most of the cocktail party? The most I saw her move was at the end as she exited and tried to stop herself from crying by doing the reverse bicycle with her hands as fast as she could. And speaking of Ambers and hot messes, were there actually two Ambers? Was the Canadian ‘Baconator’ Amber the same Amber as plate-o-balls Amber or were there two? And if there are two, what are the chances??? Note to self: Do not name potential third child Amber. Note to husband reading this: Stop freaking out. I know you’re done. Right there with ya. Too…tired…for…more…kids…
Jamie, the labor and delivery nurse. Do you think the streaks of her horrible spray tan are a metaphor for the streaks of pain on her heart? I don’t even remember if she got a rose. I just remember thinking that her skin tone looked like an orange and red finger painting done by my four year old (excuse me, four and a half year old – sorry, Buddy!) and then feeling bad once I learned she had that whole ‘raised my siblings in a trailer story’. Whoops.
Courtney. Fine, you’re pretty in a GAP ad sorta way. But don’t go crowning yourself America’s Next Top Model yet, sweetie – you’re no Michelle Money. Courtney’s slow saunter out of the limo was really annoying. Pretty obvious, this girl isn’t here for love. She’s here for about two carats. I wonder if drama follows her wherever she goes. And I double wonder if she’ll make friends in the house. Girls are usually so welcoming to other pretty girls, right?
Nicki the hygienist. You’re very pretty. I wanna like you. So please don’t be as annoying as I think you might be. Tone it down just a notch or two. And let’s call a spade a spade, please. Ben is cute at best. He is not drop dead gorgeous. Simmer.
Jennifer the accountant. I’m no numbers expert. Trust me. I got a pity pass in grade ten general math because my teacher realized I was just un-helpable and felt truly bad for me. But I’m pretty sure that zero is the amount of roses that you’ll be getting from Ben and that you should not have stopped at 54 dresses when settling on tonight’s choice. Perhaps a #55 was in order…even a 56, just to be safe. That blue sparkly number did you no favors.
Lindsay – the diplomat’s daughter (sounds like a crime novel, no?) What’s to say? You seem like fun…if I were on Ecstacy. Maybe you’re someone I would be happy to meet backpacking across Europe knowing that I would never have to see you again after two days. I’m pretty sure that you fit a stint in Thailand in during your years abroad and that you’re about three quarters of the way through your gender reassignment surgery. Better luck next time – Adios Gov’na!
Rachel…for someone who’s supposed to be a stylist, I swear I saw some black pantyhose creeping out from under that red dress. Just sayin’. Also what’s with your teeth? Is this girl pretty? I really can’t tell. But, I do like her. And she did put forth a strong effort to calm Jenna. No easy feat.
Shawn…did Brittny’s grandmother switch bras with you right before you got out of the limo? Cuz the girls were looking a bit low. And while we’re on the subject of the grandmother, why were the girls acting so surprised? I mean was Granny not sitting there in the limo riding in with them? Did they not notice her???
Jayme (aka Manly Cyrus) and Erika…I am lumping you two together because combined, your two dresses have enough fabric to make maybe one dress for a normal person. Where did you purchase these frocks? Are they from an exclusive J Woww collection or something? (Dear J Woww, please don’t hunt me down and punch me for writing this. Thanks. Love, babefromtheburbs). And by the way Erika: Your line about Ben being guilty of being sexy? Shame on you. Not as bad as walking straight past Ben to appear mysterious a la Anna or ‘I know everything about wine! Ask me anything! I lied I know nothing about wine’ (WTF Shira???), but slightly worse than Pamela’s ‘I miss my dog’ (that’s memorable) and Emily sanitizing Ben before she kisses him. With each exit from a limo these chicks just got worse and worse. On a side note, one day, I would love to see that door open and the camera pan up on big fat cankles and possibly some leg hair. Just sayin’.
Sigh…and then there’s Jenna. Wow. I truly don’t know if I should feel bad for her or just tear her a new one. At first, in the beginning montage, I thought, ok here’s a pretty writer hoping to turn this stint into a circulation boost for her blog. You go, Carrie Bradshaw. But then, as even her pre-show interview started to unravel, proving to be too much for her, a dark cloud descended on my admiration of her. Could we be so lucky that we actually have a prettier version of Melissa on our hands??? Bring on the yogurt!!! Clearly blogging is a good career choice for this fragile little thing since verbal communication with actual human beings does not seem to be her forte. Though I think Pamela is a bit gross, I have to say I was pretty much in her court…since Jenna completely invented some sort of scandal which she then refused to acknowledge to Pamela’s face when Pamela tried to ‘resolve the issue’. You could practically see steam coming out of Jenna’s ears right before she awkwardly extended an olive branch and offered to share a tampon??? This is probably one of those defining moments Jenna will replay over and over again (if they allow TV in the asylum). And I’d like to think that Ben gave Jenna a rose because he really wants to get to know her and that somehow he must have had some meaningful conversations with her before she ran to the washroom to puke, but I’m afraid it just isn’t possible. There simply wasn’t time. Clearly this just means that the producers do have more of a say in who gets roses than we’d like to believe as also evidenced by the sheer genius of the editing fake-out where for a moment we actually thought Jenna was going to get the first impression rose. Brill-Li-Yant-Tay.
So far this season we’ve had a few firsts. I gotta say, the girl on girl action could only bode well for us viewers. If you still have one of those husbands/boyfriends/etc. who insists he ‘won’t watch this crap’, or even worse, the guy that sits on the couch on the ipad claiming not to watch but for some reason seems to be right on top of the plot details, getting him to cross over to the dark side and become an active participant in all things Bachelor should be a cinch now. It’s pretty obvious that Pamela (what is she, seven feet tall? Eight with that day camp ponytail?) is a full on lezbo…and a visually impaired one at that. Blakely is the most real one in here? Um, have you seen her boobs? Her lips? Her Adam’s Apple?
On the topic of firsts, we’ve had all kinds of musical performances sneaking their way into first cocktail parties on various seasons from men and women (that I wish I could forget). From guitar, to opera from an actual balcony, we’ve seen it all. But never, has an epidemiologist busted into the whitest rap ever. I’m not gonna lie, I was borderline impressed with her actual rhyming ability and even Ben seemed to be too, as he gave her a hearty Paula Abdul clap completely devoid of any finger involvement, but still, when will these people learn??? Even good rhyming still equals bad decision. Along with the push-ups, the soccer, the hat, the blindfolded candy feeding…sigh…can’t these girls just talk to the poor guy???
Okay. So roses have been given out. There’s no turning back. As usual, I question most of the decisions made and more specifically, the qualifications of many of the plastic surgeons whose handiwork is showcased amongst Ben’s picks. Even still it wouldn’t hurt to offer a referral to some of the ‘au natural’ picks for some rhinoplasty…I mean at least go for a consultation. You don’t have to commit.
Once again, it’s obvious that it really doesn’t matter how lame the bachelor or bachelorette is (remember Brad?) It’s really all about the wonderful, juicy drama created by these hand-picked psychos. Ben is just a vessel for them to pour their crazy into. The upcoming scenes from the season were absolutely delicious. The uncomfortably close-up shots of girls crying at awkward angles (What is this, the Blair Witch Project?). The inevitable revelation to Ben that the hot model isn’t who she seems to be (what??? I never saw that coming!) The potential return of an ex-girlfriend? (oooh…me likey!) And of course, the dangling promise that maybe, just maybe, after all his soul-searching, Ben might just get stood up at the end…by a giant black peacock?
Ben, good luck, Buddy. We’ll be with you every step of the way, raising our glass of whatever our preferred varietal on a hot day is…make us proud…or don’t…who really cares, we’ll be with you to the end regardless.