Wow. Was anyone else completely spent after last night’s finale? And not because of the un-ending length of the back-to-back episodes, but because of the content! I felt like I needed therapy between Ella’s realization that her home will always have wheels, coupled with the most awkward reality TV moment ever in history – Michael’s discovery of Blake and Holly’s engagement – plus Kasey’s nervous breakdown, Jewish Jackie’s painful heartbreak and of course the passing of Michelle’s father. This was a friggin’ emotional roller coaster! If I wasn’t already drinking, I have to say I’d be driven to. I don’t even know if I can make this funny! No pressure, right???
I started out with mixed emotions. Excitement, giddiness, anticipation of a fun-filled dramatic prime-time event. But alas, I also had some sadness. It’s been a great run folks. We’ve had our ups (at Melissa’s expense), our downs (watching Vienna and Kasey survive week after week), but at the end of the day, I think it’s safe to say we’re all better people for having watched this season. Agreed?
So. Anyways. I’ve got my snack. I’ve got my wine. I’ve got my laptop and I’m ready for: Bachelor Pad – The Final Challenge (really? Dramatic much?)
Just watching the montage at the beginning of the evening to come was almost enough for me. Could it be that we’d be fortunate enough to witness Vienna’s second breakup on TV? On top of getting to see her brand new nose and Farrah Fawcett extensions up close?
And speaking of a new nose, since when did the contestants do a quick stint on Extreme Makeover before coming to the finale? Melissa got a terrible nose job that looks like it’s actually become part of her lips – borderline harelip – Ella must have dropped twenty pounds, or diverted the weight straight to her boobs, which managed to perfectly book-end Kasey’s face the entire episode, rated R looks like he got electrocuted on the way to his Jersey Shore audition, and between the 16 people up there, there were about 40 pounds of spray tans settling like LA fog over the group.
But wait! I’m getting ahead of myself, no? Don’t worry this won’t take long.
The evening really kicked off back at the mansion, where once again the group is spent after saying goodbye to Blake and Ericka. But never fear, Chris walks in, yells Vegas Baby! and all is right with the world again. As they gang entered the Cirque theatre, I’m just thinking to myself, please, please, please let this be better than Ashley’s Jabbawockies performance last season. I have to admit I too was impressed by the set of the show, and probably would have been somewhere in Graham camp ‘literally pissing down my leg’ too. HOT.
As Michelle begins to narrate the situation, it becomes crystal clear once again, how much the producers mess with the viewers through editing. Clearly that scene with Michelle’s unforgettable braid and weird lighting is the footage from last week when she was telling us how to play the Newlywed game. Out from the smoke emerges Chris Harrison with the instructions for the challenge. Here we go.
Of course, Vienna and Kasey don’t waste a minute telling us how they’ve got this in the bag, they have the best chemistry ever, etc. Really Kasey? The best chemistry? Not so much what it looked like during last week’s lover’s quarrel. The only action your bedroom has seen all season is a floor riddled with soiled tube socks.
And of course, a minute after they’re through telling us how easy this win will be, they’re fighting in the rehearsal room, Vienna is being her usual verbally abusive self and Kasey is desperately trying to incorporate a heart wherever he possibly can. What else do you expect from a dreamer, a believer, a survivor, a kill me now…
At this point, my money was on Michelle. She usually fares well during these challenges that require a certain amount of grace and she has the added dexterity of her majestic toe thumbs to help her grip the harness.
The ‘routines’ were, in a word, brutal. Can they even be called routines? I’m not going to sit up on my pedestal and say that I could have done any better, but those ten seconds of ‘free-style’? That’s what will get someone the win? Clearly Michelle is at a huge advantage doing a thumb war with Graham as her thumbs can easily extend long distances, but overall, the entire situation was a hot mess. Despite the tribe of Bedouins camped out in Ella’s bright yellow spandex camel toe and the eery shadow of Michael’s package on his bedazzled unitard, sad to say the best thing about the challenge was still definitely the outfits.
And of course, the judges are none other than previous Bachelors and Bachelorettes. I almost puked when Roberto carried in Ali. Ever heard of crutches? A walking cane? Or, while we’re on the subject, shampoo?
It’s no surprise that Kirk and Ella were given the boot and even less of a surprise that Kirk didn’t even get a departing interview – really, what would he have said? Still, I totally bawled when Ella left. Poor thing, probably took her last ever limo ride.
Back at the house, Michael and Holly have a tough decision to make as the most dysfunctional power couple ever. At this point, I’m just PRAYING they have the balls to rid the world of the plague that is Kasey and Vienna. When Vienna and Kasey told Michael and Holly that they’re playing for second, I was just thinking dear god please don’t believe them.
It was clear that Kasey’s ego was bruised following their chat with Michael and Holly so he picked up his scorn uterus and trudged down to the one outdoor space of the house that wasn’t completely destroyed by repulsive landscaping. And of course, within minutes good old Vienna was there waiting to reaffirm that he is, in fact, a failure in every way.
Graham in the meantime, is ranting about his weird sense of guy code. How can you possibly be mad at someone for potentially playing for money on this show? And really? Do we believe that Michelle is going to use all of this money for cancer research? I mean don’t get me wrong, somehow Michelle has become one of the most beloved contestants this season, but still, I believe that about as much as I believe that Kasey really has a speech impediment.
Anyways, yada yada yada, Holly adjusts the scrap of fabric she’s calling a dress during the rose ceremony and we realize that Graham’s outburst was all for naught because him and Michelle are in the final four (and more importantly, Vienna and Kasey AREN’T!)
I was completely and utterly confused by V and K’s departure. They frolic to the car as Kasey carries her in a grand display of chivalry. We hear Vienna cooing to Kasey ‘come here, Lover’ as she literally hurls herself into the waiting limo and the second the door is closed she is sobbing and telling Kasey ‘I’m upset because you’re the reason we’re here!’ It was hilarious to hear how they were ‘stabbed in the back’ by Michael ‘the first chance they got’ Seriously? First chance? You guys have had more lives than any cat I’ve ever seen!
And just like that, it’s over and we’re in live studio audience mode.
Chris wasted no time getting down to the nitty gritty.
Jewish Jackie. Oy Gevalt. There are no words. The awkwardness of yours and Ames’ interaction was only trumped by Michael’s discovery of Holly’s engagement, and even then, I think it might have been less painful to watch. Who am I kidding? Nothing was more painful than that.
I had no idea that Jackie and Ames’s relationship had gone so sour and was in such a painful place. Did they really have to sit next to each other??? He couldn’t even look at her! He actually wasn’t smiling! And watching Jackie as she observed the love in Blake’s eyes when he spoke of Holly? You could tell she was just completely broken. Shame. Not even a nice bowl of Matzah Ball soup is going to take this pain away.
And then there’s Vienna with her brand new nose, courtesy of Ericka’s daddy. Somebody get this girl a bicycle, she’s got some serious backpedalling to do. Listening to her try to convince everyone that she and Jake pretty much had closure right from the get -go and that they lived in the house together amicably, was beyond ridiculous. I mean, we all know the cameras never reveal the full story and there are always two sides, but seriously? We played charades and he fell off a chair? That’s what you’ve got? Was he acting out the movie ‘Psycho’???
The look Vienna gave to Kasey as he apologized to Jake was priceless. I’m sure he had to guard and protect his sack as she gave him a good beating for it after the show, but I really enjoyed it at the time. And it just got sadder and sadder as Kasey made his way to the hot seat. What was more pathetic? Watching Vienna and Kasey’s manic montage or watching Kasey little shoulders hunching lower and lower in shame. Poor little guy has no one to guard and protect his heart.
As Kasey was clearly having a breakdown realizing he is in the worst relationship of all time, I expected Melissa to jump out and scream take me! Take me! And speaking of Melissa…not sure if it was her recent plastic surgery or the knowledge that the camera was on her pretty much at all times once Blake took the spotlight. It was definitely fun reliving all of the psychotic sequences with her in them, though I did once again feel some pain for the yogurt. Watching her watch Blake’s clearly-sponsored Neil Lane proposal with that tight little smile on her face was amusing. Regardless, thank goodness for small miracles. The show showed a teeny tiny ounce of class by NOT running through a montage of Michael and Holly’s or Blake and Holly’s relationship in front of Michael.
OH. EM. EFFEN GEE. There are no words to describe the painful awkwardness of Michael’s discovery of the engagement. There is no way in hell that Chris Harrison did not know about it and honestly that was too much. When Michael and Holly came out and Holly told us that no, Michael didn’t know I literally almost threw up. In fact, I actually had to pause my TV when Michael was saying ‘do I know what news? That she’s moving?’ I couldn’t bear it and was afraid to un-pause. You could tell that the entire audience, including all the contestants were universally cringing and pretty disgusted by the situation. I get ratings, but this was just cruel. Forcing him to react in front of millions of people? Asking him to explain those feelings? Gross. And Blake just sat there enjoying the moment with an evil smile on his face. I didn’t really dislike Blake throughout the season, but last night, not so much a fan.
I was surprised by how much of a majority vote Michael and Holly got over Michelle and the Nutty Professor formerly known as Graham. Too bad Michelle didn’t win, maybe she could have used her winnings to buy some Chapstick and stop doing that awkward sticking her tongue out and licking her lips thing. Is it because she’s afraid her fake teeth are going to fall out?
And I’m sorry I know there are some Michael haters out there who think he’s pathetic and he should just get over it, but I am not one of them. He’s totally adorable and most importantly, he’s got his sense of humour. Loving his “I love you, Blake!” when Blake threw a vote their way. His only flaw is that he is just too sweet. I was pretty much chanting ‘Keep! Keep! Keep!’ as he was escorted off the stage by a secret service agent while he deliberated sharing his winnings as I crunched on my carrot sticks (fine chicken wings). Was it really necessary for them to be arm in arm???
Unfortunately, Michael pussied out and basically paid for Blake and Holly’s wedding. The two did their awkward happy dance and then in a flash, they’re dead to us and we’re ready to move onto Ben the Bachelor. I have given up on the producers ever seeking out an entirely new candidate for the Bachelor or Bachelorette but at this point I’m really hoping Michael gets a turn. Either way, I’m not going to lie. Of course, I am excited for another amazing season. Ben has to be the most normal guy ever to be on this show, so it’ll be interesting to see how quickly he gravitates towards the gold-digging psycho sluts that will no doubt be dug up for him.
I will do my best to keep coming up with material between now and then. Maybe I’ll actually write about something non-reality TV-related. Can you imagine? The possibilities are endless! Will I exercise an ounce of self-discipline and continue to write regularly? Only time will tell…until then, pop by every now and then, maybe I’ll provide something grossly inappropriate yet mildly entertaining.