The Bachelor Pad (Season Two), Episode 5

First order of business today is to come clean and acknowledge that I did spend my sixth wedding anniversary watching Bachelor Pad.  My husband did watch it with me, so it sort of counts as quality time and watching this train wreck, just reaffirms to me how lucky I am to be out of the dating game, so that’s sort of sweet right?  Fine, I know that’s a bit of a stretch but I gotta justify it somehow.  And we’re going out this weekend – I swear!  Happy Anniversary to the love of my life – I would write something about always accepting your final rose, but then I’d have to beat the shit out of myself and this thing would never get written. 

Last night’s episode got off to a rather somber start.  After the demise of Melissa, I thought a collective sigh would be heard from the remaining house members, but instead, watching them re-enter the house was like watching a funeral procession.  What gives?

So the contestants get back inside, flop on the couch from their harrowing, emotionally draining experience and in walks Chris with some exciting news.    The duo twist is back…oh wait, that’s Big Brother. 

When he announced that everyone had to find a partner, he might as well have just said, Blake and Ericka, you guys are now partners.    The suspenseful music was completely unnecessary.  It was funny to watch the women avoid all eye contact with Blake as he scoured the room for anyone but Ericka to hook up with.  Payback’s a bitch isn’t it Blake?  I seem to recall you being right in the middle of the self-esteem crushing mean-spree the house was in on when they decided to whip a million paintball shots at Ericka, each with a painfully mean comment said right before they tossed the paint.  I believe it was Blake that said she was a bit too thick for his taste.  Not as thick as his ego, apparently.  

Now, I may live a bit of a sheltered life here in the burbs, but last time I checked if you wanted to seal a deal on something, or confirm a partnership, the appropriate gesture is a handshake, not cuppage.    Apparently Ericka, in that hideous yellow Grandmother of the bride in Boca Raton dress didn’t get that memo.  That girl means business and she ain’t waiting around for no blanket on a bench I’ll tell you that much. 

Very interesting to see all the couples settle in for a night of studying.  It seems every time the camera is on Michelle and Graham they are together so I find it kinda funny that Michelle claims they haven’t had time to do a lot of talking…really?  What have you been doing Miss Seventh Date?  I’m sure Graham knows some parts of you very intimately.

And of course cocky Vienna and Kasey don’t hesitate to tell us that they’ve got this in the bag, despite their embarrassing synchro swim and baseball failures that were also ‘a sure thing’.  I think a collective ‘Oh No He Di-Int’ could be heard around the world when Kasey told us that victory was so close he could smell it and then he SNIFFED HIS FINGERS.  Are you kidding me????  EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW.  All this time, I’ve thought that the only sure thing about Vienna and Kasey is…well…Vienna.  But clearly I was wrong.  Kasey’s finger sniffing is apparently wishful thinking as it looks like he hasn’t been playing Stinky Pinkie with his girlfriend in the house AT ALL.  Maybe she doesn’t want him to find out she has a giant horse-cock to go with her horse teeth.  Just sayin.  Ironic that Kasey’s muffled voice sounds like he has a mouth full of poon at all times, yet apparently he’s not getting any.

So the competition begins.  I don’t know much about filming so was it me or did Michelle look completely different as she carefully narrated the complex rules of the Newlywed Game(which, oh I don’t know, everyone who has owned a TV in the past 50 years is completely aware of already?)

Gotta say, good on Michelle and Graham for coming up with that brilliant strategy.  I knew something was up when they said Michael was the worst dresser…I mean he may not change his clothes very often when he’s depressed but he’s got adorable style most of the time.  How he ended up being chosen to be the proverbial letter C, I’ll never know.  They could have had a lot more fun getting a reaction out of someone like Vienna as the answer to go to when in doubt. 

Kasey and Vienna were hilarious.  Of course, they know nothing about each other and even things they should know (even I would say her boobs!) were answered painfully wrong.   Her teeth?  Really?

And once again, totally digging Ericka for her honesty.  Let’s face it, she might look dumb and talk so slowly, I actually see grey hairs sprouting from my head by the time she finishes an upspeak-laden sentence, but the girls sort of knows what she’s talking about,  is totally funny and all the world loves a slut.  Isn’t that how the saying goes?  No?  Hmm…a stage???

Holly – 32 dates till you have sex?  Vienna – 22?  Two words.   My ass.

Obviously the most painfully awkward moment was waiting for Holly to admit in front of her ex-fiancée that she wants to sleep with Blake.  You really can’t get classier TV than this, can you?  Poor Michael – I think that is what I’ll call him for now – is just sitting there twiddling his thumbs, pretending this isn’t happening and then of course she says ‘Blake’ and we immediately cut to old footage of Michael’s interview the night he waited up for Holly and Blake to come home from their date (you can tell once again, by his outfit).  “I don’t like Blake,” he tells the camera.  Really?  Riveting.

When Ericka was asked who her secret crush is in the house, she either looked like she was taking a dump or the thought of it was just too painful to bear.  Ella?  Really?  Do I see a remake of the Beverley Hillbillies in the future?

After the contest, Ericka attempted to set the record straight with Michael, and I have to say I totally agree with her.  It is so much easier to blame a third party than to own up to feelings and acknowledge that someone you love is hurting you directly.  In this case she is totally right.  Blake hasn’t done anything to Michael.  They weren’t friends, so I don’t think he’s broken any man code.  Then again, I’m not a man, so maybe you guys have a different opinion?  Michael should be directing his frustrations at Holly.  Still, if I were Michael of course I would want the guy who is taking my girlfriend’s attention out of the house, so in the end I get it.  

Even though Ericka made many valid points, who are we kidding?  How can you possibly concentrate on what anyone is saying when she is sitting there with lipstick smeared over half her face (I guess that’s a troublesome catch to not being able to feel your lips) who is practically lying upside down on a couch with her gnarly toes right in his peripheral vision.  Distracting much?  Nice of Erica to flip back to a proper sitting position on the couch a few minutes later as Ella sat next to her. Did anyone else notice Ericka silently running her fingers through Ella’s hair while her yellow dress rode right up to her cervix?  She honestly did it so gently, I don’t think Ella even noticed.  Either way, after learning about Ericka’s trailer trash crush during the newlywed game, friggin amazing.

So the sound of a helicopter fills the air and of course, everyone totally freaks out.  Michelle and Graham jet off on their date leaving their newly-blinded friends waving in the distance.  And as the helicopter noise fades in the distance, a new, equally annoying noise begins to fill the house.  Kasey and Vienna’s lovers quarrel.

You would think at first that maybe they’re fighting about why Vienna would choose such a hideous shirt to wear.  That black t-shirt with the rips centered right around her belly button left me wondering if she had wrestled one of her pet alligators from back home before taking it with her on the show.  But no, this fight was about something far juicier.  Turns out Vienna isn’t putting out!  At least that’s what I think the fight was about based on Kasey’s mumblings.  I mean really Kasey, if you are not getting any, then what in the world is the appeal of Vienna?  Please, tell us.  The public has a right to know!  We know it isn’t her good looks or her winning personality, so I just assumed it was because she’s a slut.  Shame on you, Kasey.  Those standards are low even for you.

It is honestly very hard to blog about something when you don’t understand a word of what is being said.  Most of the time Kasey is on camera, I am squinting as if sharpening my gaze will somehow make the audio clearer.  Listening to them debate the definition of an ultimatum was like watching Dumb & Dumber 9.  And Kasey certainly wasn’t making a strong case for his masculinity when he pulled the ‘All I’m asking is for you to come snuggle me’ followed by a ‘well if you’re going to behave like that then I don’t want you to.’   What are you a five year old having a nightmare?  A frazzled housewife sick of her husband not emptying the dishwasher?  GROW.  A.  PAIR.  Must feel good to have your girlfriend say ‘let’s just get this over with’ as she pulls the covers over her head to let you hump her leg.

Over in romance-land Michelle and Graham are once again, not doing much talking.  No need for everyone at the house to wonder if Michelle is opening Graham up.  I’d say it’s pretty much a sure thing that Michelle is opening up even if Graham isn’t.  If I were Graham I wouldn’t be spending two hours in a hot tub – isn’t eight minutes or so supposed to be the max?  The best part of their date, was watching the bits of the movie, since I’m obviously a sucker for a rom-com (though kinda alarming the amount of work Anna Ferris has had done, gotta say).  Ah, Hollywood.

Finally let’s move onto Blake and Ericka’s date.  At this point, you gotta feel bad for Blake who really can’t catch a break between Melissa and Ericka. She is clearly dead set on some nonverbal stimulation tonight and as Blake said, I think she is pretty used to getting what she wants.  Just in case Ericka didn’t provide enough cleavage in her dress for Blake, it’s a good thing she brought some sleevage too.  I cringed over Blake’s discomfort as he was cornered by Erica in every square inch of that gorgeous hotel.  He probably still has nail marks in his poor thighs as she tried to cast her spell over him.  When they sat down to dinner and cold plates of food and we saw the roses I honestly thought that card was going to say that they have to have sex in order to get the roses.  I’m sure what’s what Ericka was hoping for.  Ericka winked so much throughout that dinner, by the end, I wasn’t sure if she had a lazy eye.

Ericka summoned every argument trick she learned in law school to convince Blake to sleep with her, even demanding that he should support her ‘as her partner’ yet he still resisted, actually pulling his glass back when she tried to seal the deal with a toast and using intelligent arguments like ‘I don’t want to be the floppingest, most wafflingest person here’.  Huh?  I gotta admire her though.  She knows what she wants.  She’s not afraid to voice her carnal needs and she’s determined to get the job done.  Unfortunately, she might need some battery-powered assistance from her (no doubt bedazzled) bestie Vibronica this time around.

Back at the house, Holly is enduring what I can only describe as hell, while her housemates make Blake and his evil powers the only subject at dinner.  Um, guys…she’s sitting right there???  A little class please?  Oh, sorry forgot what we’re dealing with.  I mean, I get that every week we need a new person to hate on so it’s an easy vote off, but WHEN IS IT KASEY AND VIENNA’S TURN???  What is wrong with these people???

I totally wanted Ella and Kirk to get the roses.  They are frankly the nicest people in the house and honestly they do deserve the money.   I’m not sure that I buy that this show is Ella’s last chance to raise her nine year old right.  Some single moms pick up a second job.  Find other ways to make or save some money.  Not quite sure how being a contestant on Bachelor Pad became you only option.  And you only have one kid!  Imagine those single moms with two, three, or more to raise. 

Still, hearing Vienna go on  camera in an unnaturally soft voice trying to convince us that ‘we all have a story’ and that her eleven year old sister and her mom not being able to pay a visa bill in full every month is as rough of a life as Ella’s, was a bit much.  The one good thing about having Kasey get more of the camera time than Vienna does is that you don’t actually get to hear sentences come out of his mouth, so you can hate him but not to the point where your blood boils.  With Vienna, I can actually understand her and consequently, I become further aware of how much I positively loathe her every minute that she’s on camera.  And let’s be honest Vienna, somewhere in all those stories you’ve sold to tabloids, or payment you get for going on reality TV shows, or posing in Playboy or general prostitution and god knows what else, surely you can cover your mom’s four months of rent.  How much can lot 62 in a Florida Bayou trailer park really cost???  Did hers come with the extra nice view of stray dogs and broken folding chairs or something? 

The only thing that distracted me for a moment from the tense scrambling when voting time came, was when people (see how distracted?  I don’t even remember who) were standing in the kitchen discussing the vote and I caught a glimpse of the kitchen cabinets.  How did I not notice these before?  I mean I get the rustic chic look.  Really I do.  Love a good butcher’s block counter top.  But these cabinets looked like slabs of moldy wood someone had rescued from a sunken ship and then had a blind man nail together.  It was borderline Medieval.  Seriously.  This house is WHACK.

Of course though, once again, hell freezes over and Kasey and Vienna escape eviction.  I can’t believe his insincere ‘you give me the rose and you have my word I’ve got Graham and Michelle’ worked.  I honestly thought Ericka was smarter than that.  I actually gasped when they were called safe and I have all but completely given up on these people.  And then to pour salt in our wounds, they put Vienna on camera doing her little song/interpretive dance with the rose…um…I’m sorry Vienna is this your attempt at humour?  God you suck.  Seriously what WAS that?  It was really one of those ‘punch me in the nuts’ moments.

Anyways, somehow next week is the finale.  I don’t know how this happened so quickly.  I feel a small part of me dying inside and I don’t know what I’m going to do with the extra time.  As long as Kasey and Vienna don’t win, I suppose I will be satisfied with the ending, but how long are we going to have to wait until Bachelor Ben takes centre stage?

That’s right.  In case you live under a rock, the next Bachelor is none other than Ashley’s second place pick, Ben the winemaker.  Wicked.  I was hoping for some eye candy or a fresh face untainted by this reality show already.  But clearly the producers have become too lazy to broaden their search.  If you’re going to use someone from the past, give us some controversy at least!  Throw Bentley in there for the love of god.  Or even Michael and get him over Holly once and for all.  Or better yet, as I’ve said make it a Bachelorette and make her Gia or even, Melissa.  A MAY ZING.

Until next week folks – we’ll get through this together.



8 thoughts on “The Bachelor Pad (Season Two), Episode 5

  1. “Kasey’s finger sniffing is apparently wishful thinking as it looks like he hasn’t been playing Stinky Pinkie with his girlfriend in the house AT ALL. Maybe she doesn’t want him to find out she has a giant horse-cock to go with her horse teeth. Just sayin. Ironic that Kasey’s muffled voice sounds like he has a mouth full of poon at all times, yet apparently he’s not getting any.” – This whole paragraph is extremely offensive and AMAZING, so classy, I LOVE it!

  2. you are the best reviewer EVER. thank you so much for all of the funny funny brilliant observations which are all totally true and well said. you rock. this show is the worst train wreck they have ever created–i cannot believe i watch it. just reading your review makes it all ok. love your stuff!!

  3. i know your job is to observe and report on the events of the show. I need to hear your thoughts on the rumored engagement. Bring back the Stan Hiltz Band. Im getting ready for a Horrah.


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