So, just as I guessed last week (not that it takes a genius, mind you), the über-climactic end to last week’s episode revealed a not-so-climactic beginning to last night’s fun. Gnomeo, by the skin of his halitosis-laden teeth managed to squeak by another rose ceremony unscathed and Jake left with his version of a dramatic exit which consisted of him basically telling Kasey he was a better man since having met him, apologizing to Vienna and telling everyone that gee willikers, it sure has been fun here with all you great folks. Huh?
So on behalf of (North) Americans, I’d like to thank Kasey for ridding the world of the virus that was Jake. We know you did it for America and for your girlfriend (not necessarily in that order), because the producers replayed you saying that line almost as much as you actually used the phrase ‘kick rocks’ during Jake’s departure. Only thing is, I was starting to like the virus. I wanted the virus to stay and rid the world of the evil power couples one wide-mouthed smile at a time. Too bad we didn’t get to see you punch Jake in the mouth because you seemed to want to do that with so much passion.
Within the first few minutes, I thought, please God, don’t let this episode be all about Kasey and Vienna. Pretty, please. I can’t take much more. It was not looking good. Between Vienna’s palms-pressed bow to the group in thanks for voting out Jake for her and Kasey revealing once again, his skills as a master of language by informing us that he was running the show and a master stra-TEE-gist, I had pretty much accepted that we were in for the long haul.
But then I saw an angel. She had golden, over-processed hair, skin untouched by the impurity of foundation to create an even complexion, a nose so runny you could slip n’ slide all the way down it to the crazytown of her mouth, ever-so-fragile limbs that subtly proved skinny doesn’t = hot, a heart filled with yearning, a brain filled with psychoses, a bloodstream filled with prescription meds. Yes, I saw an angel and her name was Melissa. She would rule this episode and steal the spotlight from evil Gnomeo and his bug-eyed freak of a girlfriend trapped in a soccer-mom’s bob. Thank god.
Once Vienna had finished her Oscar-worthy speech thanking the house for booting Jake, Chris Harrison comes in to announce everyone’s favourite challenge – the kissing contest!!!
Now let the record show, that this kissing contest is likely not a favourite amongst viewers. It’s bad enough hearing and seeing awkward kisses on dates with these shows. Hearing the make-out noises of every single contestant with every single contestant is pretty much up there with water torture or hearing the same song play over and over again, while imprisoned in solitary confinement.
Apparently, it’s not a favourite among contestants either. Huh?
First of all, last time I checked Jiminy Cricket was not a resident in the Bachelor Pad. But there he was, just sitting like Mr. Bluebird on everyone’s scaly, sunburned shoulder just waiting to ruin the fun. I’m not exactly clear on Michelle’s rationale for not participating. Let me just work through this. You have a six year old daughter and you want to set a good example for her by not participating in the kissing contest. Ok fair enough. But just to clarify, kissing is not okay, but hanging completely upside down (well, except for The Girls) straddled to a guy in mid-air in a string bikini, or throwing paint at the person who you find least attractive, thus lowering their self-esteem to that of a gnat are perfectly acceptable. Not to mention the obvious: you let your daughter watch the show??? Michelle, if you didn’t want to kiss these guys because they’re not up to your standards, fine. But don’t play the kid card. This is not the place.
The fact that Michelle even thought of not participating raises a fundamental issue which I have been struggling with so far this season and this seems like the right time to bring it all up. Where is all the action??? Where are all the random hook-ups? People sneaking into the fantasy suite? Stealing each other’s boyfriends? Cheating on back-home relationships? Last season, people like Natalie rode almost every ride in the house and Elizabeth’s cup of crazy runneth over all over the hizzouse. This season, it’s all about partners and playing with them no matter what and sticking to the rules and ‘yes mein Führer’ to Kasey and Vienna. I really do think it has a lot to do with the casting. People like William were just a waste of a spot. And Ella? You’re sweet and all, but you look like you’re pushing 50. How about someone good looking that can actually manipulate women? Too many exes and pre-existing couples in the kitchen is what I have to say. Next season, bring on the singles and do this show proud.
The only ones who seemed pretty gung-ho about the kissing contest were Dr. Tonsillectomy and Princess Plastic. Just a tip. If you kiss like you are giving a tonsillectomy, you may want to rethink your skills. Though I did shield my eyes (and ears) for most of this contest, I did manage to catch a few precious moments.
I know Vienna would like to think that no one wanted to kiss her out of respect for her relationship with Gnomeo, but really let’s be honest. No one wants to kiss Vienna because she’s absolutely vile, and that braid doesn’t exactly help her case.
I didn’t think that Ella was that great of a kisser, as she looked like a squirrel storing food in her cheeks as she kissed all the guys, not to mention the tight grip she had on most of their bottom lips as she sucked it dry – you could actually see veins in some of their necks popping as they tried to escape. But, apparently I’m wrong because she was voted best kisser by the boys. And does anyone else think it’s weird that when Ella won the title she proclaimed that her son would be proud? Um? That you’re a cougar slut? Now that’s a story for Circle Time. I thought Holly might win the title as her and Blake basically kissed till sunset right after her adorable kiss with Michael. What was better, watching Michael’s face when Blake kissed Holly or watching Melissa’s face when Holly kissed Blake? Hmm…
Does anyone else think it’s hilarious that Kasey had bad breath and that all the girls were making squeamish faces after kissing him right in front of Vienna? She must have felt like quite the lucky lady.
As Ella asked Kirk on the date, I had two thoughts; one, how do I tuck his tag back into his shirt from my couch and two, wow, what a surprise. The girl chose her partner. Exciting.
So the Ferrari shows up. Now, let me be clear. As I said before in a write-up of a previous season (can’t remember which because there is always a date involving a Ferrari), I’m not a fan. When I see a Ferrari or a Lamborghini on the road, my first thought is always ‘small dick’. Have it in red or yellow and you upgrade to ‘small dick, one ball.’ Not impressed. I just don’t get it. I’d rather have, oh, I don’t know, a couple thousand extra square feet on my house, than a cheesy, pointy looking vehicle I can rev from swimming lessons, to the mall and the occasional dinner out. BUT. Nevertheless. You don’t call a Ferrari a sportscar. You show it some respect and call it by its name. Even if you don’t get it. Just as I would expect someone who watches, oh I don’t know, the news, to properly refer to Bachelor Pad by its name and not ‘that crap you watch’, there’s a right way and a wrong way to refer to something. I get that Ella, or rather, Ella’s nipple, is excited to be driving in a car that doesn’t have living quarters, but really. Shame on her.
If I were a good person, I would want Ella and Kirk to win this show. As they sat there enjoying their ‘romantic’ (pizza?) dinner, I realized that they are both good, salt-o-the-earth type people and they’ve both been through a lot, though I think witnessing murder still trumps near-death mold poisoning and I think they could really use the money more so than most of the other contestants, though apparently Kasey’s grandmother needs this money to live. The hot air balloon ride was kind of silly. First of all, they never actually took off. They stayed anchored to the ground the whole time and second of all, how romantic can it be when you have a cameraman and a balloon operator in there with you? Not exactly a large space.
As the Melissa-driven portion of the show finally kicked into high gear, I really settled in for some pure entertainment. I don’t know what was funnier/more cringe-worthy. Continuing to listen to her telling us that she’s been with Blake since day one when we all know that’s not true, or listening to her plan it all out with him on the bench, and thank him for picking her – ‘It’ll be so great, we’re both safe, we’ll both get a rose, we won’t fight, I won’t get jealous,’ yadda yadda yadda…’ and then hearing Blake stop her in her tracks with ‘ok but I haven’t decided yet.’ A May Zing. In my heart, I was saying for the love of God sweetheart, just stop talking! But my mind was saying, more! More! Either way, as we realized that Blake truly wasn’t going to pick her, we knew it was definitely going to be the most exciting rose ceremony/murder yet.
Erica is slowly heaving herself into my heart and I’m sure many of yours, with her half-assed (yet full frontal) attempts at strategy. You can see that Blake really doesn’t know what to do with her but he’s enjoying the ‘perks’ while he can. I have to admire her. For someone who has probably never done a day of work in her life, she seems to be working quite hard to find her place in the house. From an oily massage, to her literally telling him she will do whatever he wants on the date if he picks her, she really did give it her best shot. But clearly it wasn’t enough.
As Blake finally got to make his choice you could feel the tension in the room. Melissa sat in Michelle’s lap, with Michelle ready at a moment’s notice to wrap her limbs around Melissa, should a straightjacket be necessary. And just like Melissa blurted out the confession of ‘I had four pieces of pizza!’ on whatever season she was previously on, she let her mouth get the best of her as she blurted out “We could be going shlm….”as Blake read the date card and then stopped herself mid-sentence as she remembered he wasn’t going to pick her. Brutal.
He totally should have picked Erica. Would have been the right move. Melissa would still have been pissed but it wouldn’t have caused any upset to the ‘power couples’ and he’d have a new ally for when Melissa gets sent to the funny farm.
Of course, he lets his dick do the talking and picks Holly and Hurricane Melissa offers a resounding ‘That’s Effed Up’ immediately. She may have called Holly a slutty ass bitch and Blake a sociopath, but I think we can all agree that no one got hit harder with Melissa’s wrath than that poor yogurt. Um, honey? I think it’s mixed. Pretty much no chance there’s any fruit at the bottom there. You can stop stirring. Little strawberry flavour never saw it coming. Shame.
Her psychotic rant continued with her begging the house to have an intervention on him for being an asshole and asking the producers to disqualify him for douchebaggery, but surprise, surprise, no one is on board. Even Michelle, Melissa’s BFF in the house (whose new teeth are really starting to bug me by the way) isn’t willing to get her toe thumbs dirty calling out Blake. When Melissa finally settles down and goes to have a conversation with Blake, it’s impressive to note that nothing stands in the way of his dental hygiene. I’m sure the vibrating sound of the toothbrush is all too familiar to Melissa, but still, it’s gotta hurt when a guy would rather spend time preventing gum recession than talking to you.
So with teeth freshly brushed, Blake and Holly are ready for the date. I think I’m still about as confused by Holly as she is with herself. But nevertheless, they hit the slopes hard. It would have been a lot funnier if Blake had whipped a giant Dumb and Dumber snowball at Holly rather than the cliché of just chasing her around the snow, but I’ll admit the date was cute, and they had good times.
Back at their overnight cabin, things just got better and by better, I mean more ridiculous. When asked about her relationship with Michael, she confesses, ‘Michael tells me he misses me a lot, but I don’t know what that means.’ Um…? He loves you? He wants you back? He’s sitting at the house right now on his third day in the same outfit crying and waiting to see you walk in the door? The clincher was Blake’s line, which you could tell he had been trying to come up with all day, about wanting the re-examine the evidence of her being deprived of the best kisser prize earlier on. That’s right up there with the lines he used on Melissa on their boat date (and look where that got him).
After searching the house from top to bottom for Holly upon her return, Michael finally finds her and whisks her away for some alone time. Not quite sure how they left the house with nothing but managed to come back in different outfits, including multi-layered pearls and freshly applied fake lashes. Michael is completely devastated when she admits Blake kissed her. I wonder how much more devastated he would be if he knew Blake actually kissed her where she pees.
Finally, we are coming close to the end. Holly and Michael boycott the drama and head straight for the hand job blanket on the cement driveway. Melissa, who has decided to stop wearing makeup in protest of her treatment by Blake, chases everyone around the house in a desperate attempt to save herself between moments of hyperventilation. I’m not asking for a smoky eye sister, but for the love of God, cover up the red? Fill the crease? Something??? Even Kasey almost physically pushes her away when he can’t take her anymore. And that’s saying something. Not sure what exactly, but something.
Finally, the votes have been cast and everyone lines up. Ella (in her eighth grade grad dress) and Holly are sitting pretty while the others wait for their fate. It’s no surprise when Melissa’s name isn’t called and we thankfully have another week with Erica and her 2 inch thick eyeliner.
I’m not sure when Michelle developed such a tight bond with William but it was pretty random to see her that upset over his departure, no?
Sweet Melissa. Poor Melissa. What’s to say? You have a long, single road ahead of you, girl. Ya might want to consider a chill pill or two, or perhaps a lobotomy. Either way, you need serious help, and while you may have three pity roses from your friends to keep you company for now, we all know flowers die. Shame. You’ll be a hard loss to move on from.
Oh wait. I’m over it.