Let me tell you – I have never felt such a lack of confidence as I do right now reporting on Bachelor Pad. After last night’s debacle with Chris Harrison cutting out early just as he said Kasey’s name, I am pretty sure that Jake was sent home, but gotta say, I could be wrong! Even the spoiler websites weren’t clear – and I never visit spoiler sites, I much prefer the surprise. But I was desperate! Don’t judge me.
Either way, I will never forget the collective ‘nnnoooooo!’ heard throughout my neighborhood and beyond as women the world over frantically tried to check their PVRs, flip to another channel and scream at their husbands to do something, while we were left hanging without knowing if Jake did indeed get to leave without making the grand exit he desired.
My blackberry felt like a beat up whore after being assaulted on BBM by everyone who knows me looking for answers. “Why???” they asked me, “Why???” And the truth is, I just don’t know. This world is a messed up place.
Overall, I sorta thought that last night’s episode lacked the excitement and delicious über-entertaining drama I’ve grown accustomed to. These so-called ‘power couples’ are all getting too serious for me. There’s a little bit too much soul-searching on this show for my taste. I didn’t come here to get in touch with my feelings. Basically, it seems like everyone is being referred to as a power couple now…when did Michelle and Graham become one? And Michael and Holly? They can’t even figure out if they want to be in the same room as each other.
I feel like we’re entering the twilight zone a bit. Blake has suddenly become a voice of reason with his numerous super-flattering analogies for Melissa, from a loose cannon, to a live wire waiting to be dropped into a puddle or whatever it was, to a massive hurricane wreaking devastation on all in its path…and Michelle is not only the resident psychologist, but also everyone’s best friend…really? Melissa is a very close friend of yours? Only on Bachelor Pad would these two co-exist.
So the episode opens right where we left off, with Melissa storming through the house like a bat outta hell while Blake and everyone else watches her self destruct. She barely lets Blake get a word in but has no trouble telling anyone who will listen about how they ‘hooked up all night’ and ‘had the most amazing romantic night together’. Really? What’s more romantic? Bottom bunk or top? And all night? My ass. I mean don’t get me wrong, she did look like she had aged about twenty years since the end of last week’s episode, so maybe he did show her a really good time, but honestly, I doubt it. I’m not sure if Blake was doing the right thing by just letting her freak out or if he was literally too stunned by her behavior to even contemplate getting in her way as she flung insults at him, accused him of playing her like a fool, all the while ferociously drinking water and chomping on that gum like a horse on a sugar cube.
The best part of the whole Melissa scene at the beginning was when she confronted Holly about the flirting and Holly’s only defense was to basically reassure Melissa that she’s not flirting with Blake, she’s just pretty much a whore and will flirt with everyone. Nice save.
The evening progressed into the next day with some incoherent mumbling from Kasey – something about Jake having alligator blood (???) and then finally the challenge. At this point, I think we are all rooting for Jake to win the rose. I would like nothing more than to see Gnomeo ‘kick rocks’ and hightail it out of the Pad leaving Vienna to fend for herself, so it’s a good thing that Jake (according to him) is “blessed with a couple of things; mental durability, physical strength, and problem solving.” Um, how about the ability to count? Because last time I checked a couple referred to two things and you just mentioned three. But anyways…
So we’re greeted by a group of pleasantly plump synchronized swimmers in horrifically unflattering bathing suits. Now, I don’t mean to toot my own horn or anything but I do have a couple of synchro badges under my belt. That’s right. I can clearly remember taking synchronized swimming lessons on Wednesday nights at my local community centre when I was about 13, which just so happened to be the same night as the free skating that all the cool kids went to every week. So while I was rockin’ my nose clip and learning how to perfect a ‘ballet leg’, I was often visited via the observation window by the kids I really wanted to be hanging out with. They weren’t pointing at me and laughing, were they??? They were just commenting on my skill, right??? Thanks, Mom and Dad. Another fond memory from the awkward years. Oh well, at least I got my Pansy badge. No joke. Pansy.
Nice of Natalie and Dave, last year’s winners, to pop by. You would think that with the 250K that they split, Natalie would have been able to afford dying her whole head and not just half of it, but you never know how crazy people get when they win lots of money, right?
Anyways. As we watch the ladies suffer through their routine like lazy, broken marionettes, I’m thinking I bet all their parents are pissed about spending money on years of dance classes. Even though Michelle seems to “not know how to control her own body”, she has pretty much mastered the frozen synchronized swimmer’s smile – and how she can still look gorgeous in that hideous bathing cap, I will never know. Either way, you know you’re in trouble when you get points for jazz hands.
As the men rip off their pants to reveal their Speedos, I’m thinking somewhere in the US, Weatherman is sitting on his couch (alone) thanking god he didn’t try out for Season 2. The first thing I noticed with the men’s routine was how brutally sunburned all of them were as they stood there, toes pointed, waiting to take their first dive. What is it with men and being too cool for sunscreen???
Despite shielding my eyes from catching a glimpse of anyone’s package, Erica gleefully pointed out Jake’s contribution to his Speedo. And thanks to the underwater sac-cam, we were all fortunate enough not to miss a single angle of anything these guys had to offer (or lack there-of). Of course the water is cold, sweetie. We know. You don’t have to explain.
This is the kind of thing that Ames would have truly excelled at. He pretty much has the smile of a synchronized swimmer 24/7 – he probably could have taken this challenge hands down.
Of course, once the winners are announced, Vienna is quick to point out that she worked the hardest and was so much better than the other girls. Of course, Vienna. She’s just so great to have around, now, isn’t she?
So after the synchro challenge and seeing Jake in the Speedo, Princess Erica’s interest is officially piqued. She goes into what seems like the one private bedroom in the house, where Jake always seems to be and makes it pretty clear she wants a piece. I honestly don’t know what was worse. Watching her wrap her gnarled, half-painted toes around Jake’s leg like he was one move away from a sleeper hold or having the vaj-cam do a full on close up of her bathing suit camel toe. It was like a bad car accident that I couldn’t look away from. I’m still traumatized.
Back in the kitchen Vienna (still in her bathing cap for some reason, which is doing her no favours, but come to think of it may still be more flattering than her haircut) is being called out as a fame-whore for telling Jake he did a good job at the challenge. As Kasey finally grows a pair and tells her what an ungrateful bitch she is while she once again, bawls her eyes out without shedding a single actual tear, I’m starting to feel a glimmer of hope. Is the power couple about to self-destruct? Pretty please!
Michelle makes her date choices, as usual, with a strategic agenda and tells Blake that he better do what he’s gotta do to keep Melissa happy and, well, less psycho. The water bill at the Bachelor Pad house is about to sky-rocket with all the rape showers Blake is going to have to take. I can just picture him on the floor of the shower, curled up and weeping.
The best part of Michelle’s date was perfectly timed. Just as I bit into yet another piece of my son’s leftover birthday cake (the past few days have been me versus cake and the cake is winning), and experienced a deep self-loathing with every delicious lick of icing off that fork, Michelle and Graham are having their moment of romance after she neatly arranges the hand job blanket on their bench. As Michelle cups Graham’s face in her hands and leans in for a smooch with the calming sound of a bullfrog orgy in the background, I am reminded – hooray! She has toe-thumbs! I totally forgot about this wonderful fact! It’s so nice when a perfectly hot woman has a dirty little secret like toe-thumbs. Just makes you want to celebrate. Another piece of cake, perhaps? Oh I shouldn’t…
Back at the house, Michael makes his date picks. Vienna doesn’t even crack a smile and actually looks pissed when he picks her, Ella once again, looks like she just took nine morning after pills and split personality Holly doesn’t’ exactly look thrilled either. Good picks.
If watching Vienna on that date doesn’t inspire people to work to get her off the show, I don’t know what will. She whined more on that horse than my kids as I drag them through Homesense in search of the perfect throw pillow. And I’m sorry, but watching her trot rapidly on that ride, gave me such a disturbing visual of her and Kasey going at it, I think that I’m scarred for life.
Finally we get rid of Vienna and Ella, and Michael continues to beat the dead horse that is his and Holly’s relationship. I really don’t get Holly. At the beginning of the date she tells us she’s emotionally drained and doesn’t even want to go there with Michael, yet the minute she has time to talk to him, it’s ‘do you miss me?’ Of course, I cried (large tears in fact) as he told her how beautiful she was and I just wanted to rock him like a baby to take his heartache away. Is that weird? A little?
Then Brett Michaels shows up and we are catapulted back in time to high school. Hearing ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ reminds me of my absolutely phenomenal ‘Heavy Metal Slow Mix’ tape I painstakingly made with my sister back in the day (which I now know, being married to a metal fan, was not heavy metal at all, but in actual fact an insult to heavy metal fans by being called a heavy metal slow mix). Um, hello? November Rain? More than Words? I Remember You? A.MA.ZING.
I really seem to be Little Miss Tangent today, now don’t I?
Almost done. The rest of the episode shows us the slow crumble of Vienna and Kasey’s relationship (enough with the Jenius t-shirt already – do some laundry), intermingled with the resourceful and sneaky Erica who does the combat walk all over the house. Nice that she finally got to use her well-maintained lips on Jake as he clearly debated internally whether or not to suck it up and kiss her judging by the awkward long moment while she waited, Botox-infused lips ready, for him to make the move.
Erica continues to try to spread some drama about Melissa in the kitchen where Ella seems to be preparing a dinner party for the Three Bears with a disgusting looking pot of porridge and Vienna stabs some unfortunate food on the cutting board while picturing Jake’s face. Interesting how Vienna can calmly criticize Melissa’s emotional state as she beats the crap out of a cutting board while crying fake tears.
I can’t possibly imagine why Kasey feels insecure about his relationship with Vienna. First she practically pukes at the notion of an engagement ring as he fumbles through his speech, then she reassures him with the words ‘I know you love me” when he finally gets the ring box open and finally, like me, she spits her wine out in surprise as Kasey burst into a random love song which seems to be void of all melody. Totally forgot about this hidden talent of Gnomeo’s. The only good thing about Kasey’s song is that you can actually make out the words he’s saying, which are totally brutal, mind you, like a person with a deep accent who sings in perfect English (never understood that).
Finally, cocktail party time. Jake attempts a man-to-man goodbye speech to Kasey which basically consisted of him not finishing a bunch of random sentences and culminating with once again, Kasey’s desire to see Jake ‘kick rocks’ (for the love of god, someone tell me what that means!!!)
As roses were handed out, the suspense built. Who will stay and who will go? Michelle hands out the roses dutifully, giving William an awkward ‘psycho-pat’ as he probably jizzes all over himself from being touched by her. From what I did see, Chris called Kasey’s name last, sending Jake home. Unfortunately, Princess Botox will never get to bang her crystal gavel of justice and we have to endure yet another week of Kasey (I would rather see Ashley at this point!).
If the producers, or the network, or whoever is responsible for this whole commercial break interruption bullshit do this one more time, there is going to be blood on their hands. Trying to appease us by showing the Mask from last season in the pool during the closing credits just didn’t cut it last night and as God as my witness I will find Jake’s last few precious moments online and watch them.
Goodbye, Jake. Though you are still kinda gross and creepy, you did the best you could with the cards you were dealt and you even managed to score a little plastic poon on the side. Good on ya!
I’m sure in no time at all you’ll be showing up on Celebrity Rehab or The Little Hoarders or The Albino Chocolatiers or some other jewel of a reality show. Until then, go find Solar Stud and be the man-couple you were born to be!